Baby Mine

The Saga of the Play Kitchen

2010-12-27T08:39:00.000-08:00

One thing I've learned this holiday season is to not procrastinate on assembling Christmas presents. Oh Jennifer, you may say, that is a parent's right of passage. What parent hasn't stayed up until 2 am on Christmas Eve putting together a toy for their beloved child? I know my mom did it when she made me a handmade cloth baby doll long ago.

Oh no, my friends, this wasn't time honored procrastination. This was pure stupidity and certifiable insanity.

It all started when I saw this blog entry showing a handmade play kitchen made out of an old entertainment center. We knew we wanted to give Sebastian a play kitchen but the idea of a handmade one was really appealing and special. No one would have a kitchen like him and it would be special because we ~~made~~ slaved over it. Ideas flowing, I then saw this blog and this blog, all re purposed entertainment centers. With these in mind we set out to find an old entertainment center on Craigslist. We succeeded and brought one home for $20.00.

In July.

Fast forward to December 18th. Not one thing was done to the entertainment center/kitchen. It sat in the garage covered with crap. Naturally I was freaked so I made my husband drag it to an easily accessible area in the garage and I took off all of the hardware and doors, and got to sanding. That must have spurned my husband on because he finally got off his butt and got to work with me on it. The next 6 days were play kitchen hell.

Alex attached the back and I filled all the holes with wood putty.

Kitchen is sanded and primered. Alex cut the hole for the sink and put in a board to separate the under sink cabinet from the oven. I spray painted the oven black, totally hotboxing myself in the process. I also spray painted the stove top and side of the fridge silver to resemble stainless appliances. I so don't recommend that, as silver spray paint is the devil and shows every imperfection and fingerprint. At this point I had lost about a quarter of my brain cells.

Under sink cabinet and wall color added. Cabinet dark brown color painted. Inside of fridge painted.

"Granite" counter top in place and "back splash" affixed.

As we were nearing the finish line we realized we were screwed, literally, when it came to the oven door. The hinges we had wouldn't work properly and the oven handle screws were too short. At that point I was too exhausted to care.

Then came time to move the behemoth into the living room. Going through the inside garage door wasn't an option and paint was scraped off in the process. So it had to go out the garage door, into the snowy, icy night, and back through the front door. Did I mention I was too tired to care? That was a good thing because those nicks would have made normal, rested me cry. We got it set up, I retouched the nicks, and was finally off to bed.

The semi finished product, set up for Christmas morning.

Detail of the sink, stove top, and back splash.

Inside of the fridge.

We still need to hang the oven door after getting the correct hinges and longer screws for the handle. We also need to print out the "view" for the larger window ( I had a small one, it looked stupid) and hang the rail we bought for a pot rack.

That may be done by next Christmas.

Though it almost killed us to get it (mostly) done by Christmas morning (I was up until 3 am completing finishing final touches and set up) and took much blood, sweat, tears andswearing,we did it and we were reminded why we even did it in the first place as Sebastian saw his kitchen for the first time. He ran to it, immediately checking out the cabinets and accessories and has been playing with it over and over, ever since.

Supply List

Those other blogs have lists of supplies they used on their play kitchens with prices. I did that on some things but honestly, I can't remember how much everything cost and my sheet where I itemized some items got tossed with the used wrapping paper so I'll try to do my best remembering below. We initially thought this project would be cheaper than a store bought kitchen but it turned out with the cost of paint and wood, it really wasn't. This isn't to say it couldn't but we tend to go big.

Craigslist
Entertainment Center- $20

Canadian Tire
Paint
Spray paint
Brushes (foam brushes are my new husband)
"Granite" Contact Paper

Home Depot
Primer
Wood

IKEA
LAGAN faucet- $22.99
TEKLA tea towel- $.49
SAXNÄS frame- $5.99
KOSING handle- $1.99
KOSING knobs- $.99

Dollar Store
Mixing bowl for sink - $2
Back splash tiles (floor tiling)- 3/$1
Stove top(selfstick blackboard paper)- $1
Fridge door baskets(plastic baskets)- 3/$1

Habitat for Humanity Re-store
Oven/Stove knobs- $1

Forging Ahead

2010-09-29T07:05:00.000-07:00

We moved on to the next step and completed three more days of night weaning/sleep training. So far I'm hopeful.

The Second Three Nights

Again, the nursing to sleep stops at 11 p.m. When he wakes up, hug him and cuddle him for a few minutes, but do not feed him, put him down awake. Putting him down awake is a crucial part of this whole endeavor because it really does teach him to fall asleep with a little less contact and then a little less. Not feeding is the big change during these three nights. One-year-old babies can easily go for those seven hours (or more) with no calories. They like to get fed a little through the night, but physiologically and nutritionally, this is not a long time to go without food...

...During these second three nights, some babies will cry and protest for ten minutes at a time and some will go for an hour or more. Your toddler is aware that you are right beside him, offering comfort and soothing. It just isn’t the mode of comfort he wants at the moment. It is hard to listen to him fuss, but it will work. I believe that a well-loved baby, after a year or more in the family bed, will be the ultimate beneficiary of his parents getting more sleep. Not coincidentally, the parents benefit “big time,” too.

Night Seven

Sebastian was down by 11pm and slept through until 5 am! Because it was so close to our chosen time I let him nurse and we slept for another couple hours or so.

Night Eight

He was tired tonight and was falling asleep in his high chair of all places. Of course as soon as I carried him up to bed he became a wild thing and was wanting to play *sigh*. He was asleep earlier than usual, however, and was asleep by 10:30 pm. He woke up around 4:45 am. At that point, since he went to sleep earlier, I nursed his as if it was after 6. Are we caving? Maybe but since he has a big chunk of sleep I feel ok "caving".

Night Nine

With visions of Britney Spears on Glee dancing in his head (he was mesmerized by that episode- LOL)Sebastian was down quickly with hardly any nursing and asleep by 11pm. Alex has a man cold so he chose to stay up for a while so not to disturb us. He came back to bed around 1:30 am and woke us up. I was not happy and neither was Sebastian who cried and immediately wanted to nurse back to sleep.

According to Dr. Jay's method I couldn't nurse him so I rubbed his back (which he didn't like since he kept shoving my hand away), Alex sang to him (which he also didn't like), but miracle of miracles, he stoped fussing and put himself back to sleep within ten minutes, possibly five.

Next thing I knew it was 7:50. Hallelujah!

A Training We Will Go

2010-09-26T18:14:00.000-07:00

Thursday afternoon Alex and I discussed Sebastian's "training" (ugh, I hate calling it that), and we decided to go three more days with the first step. We really didn't want to push it.

Night Four

He was asleep my 11pm. I was not. I couldn't sleep due to the stupid ass University students who live in our complex and those that feel the need to cut through our complex while going to theirs. Seriously, drunk girls screaming their heads off at 2 am. Dudes, "whooooo"ing until all hours. I hate them. HATE. I went to bed around 1am and I think I woke Sebastian up because he started whimpering and I needed to nurse him. Course it could have also been Alex getting up to use the bathroom, or a combo of both. After that he slept until 5am without waking up again.

Night Five

He was asleep by 11pm, but up two times in the night. He also woke up mega early at 6am. I don't know what that was all about. His daddy and I were certainly not happy about it.

Night Six

He was asleep by 11pm but woke up a few times. When he ate, he really ate. I'm thinking he didn't eat much during the day, solids wise, and so was making up for it at night. He again woke up early, this time 7 am. I am hoping this early waking thing ends because I am waking up more exhausted than before.

Tonight we are going ahead and starting the second step. I'm a bit worried but we'll see how it goes. I plan on giving him a bedtime snack to see if that helps curb any night nursing.

Sleep, Perchance to Dream - Following Dr. Jay Gordon

2010-09-23T08:03:00.000-07:00

Sebastian is 14.5 months and I have realized that I have been sleep deprived for way too long. I do really like our family bed and I still enjoy nursing him but I am at the point where I need a break at night. This led us to the decision of sleep "training". We are not a CIO family at all, so following Ferber and Weissbluth were not an option for us. I used Elizabeth Pantley's "Pantley Pull Off" from her book No Cry Sleep Solution when Sebastian was younger but now was the time to pull out the bigger guns.

I was having a hard time even deciding what to do because most sleep training seems require the child sleeping in a crip or in another room. We do neither so it was important to find a method that allowed for bedsharing. Then I found Dr. Jay Gordon's nightweaning method of sleep training. Dr. Jay not only allowed for bedsharing, he preferred it, so we dove off the deep end and are giving it a go.

I wanted to record our efforts in case others were interested in trying this method out.

The First Three Nights

At any time before 11 p.m. (including 10:58) nurse to sleep, cuddle and nurse when he wakes up and nurse him back to sleep, but stop offering nursing to sleep as the solution to waking after 11 p.m.. Instead…..

When your baby awakens at midnight or any other time after 11 p.m., hug him, nurse him for a short time but make sure he does not fall asleep on the breast and put him down awake. Rub and pat and cuddle a little until he falls asleep but don’t put him back on the breast (or give him a bottle if that’s what you’ve been doing). He must fall asleep with your comfort beside him, but not having to nurse to feel comforted enough to drift off.

Night One

Yay!

I decided our 7 hours were to be 11-6, giving me 7 hours of sleep (hopefully). This first night, Sebastian did great. He went to sleep at the breast at exactly 11 pm. He slept until 2 am or so. I briefly nursed him and pulled him off before he was asleep, and then he slept through the rest of the night.

Night Two

Pure hell!

Sebastian was out by 11pm and was asleep for four hours. I'm thinking, awesome, this is going to work. I nurse him briefly again but he gets pissed when I pull off. He had full out tantrums with crying and kicking for two hours off and on. Alex and I rocked him, sang to him, held him...he refused all of it, hitting us and flailing around. I kept telling him "Baby night night, mama night night, dada night night, na nas night night" (Na na is what he seems to say for nursing) and he would flip out at the "na nas night night" part. So he understood what was going on but didn't like it. Finally he passed out at 5:30 am. Surprisingly enough, he woke up happy and smiley. I made a big deal about how na nas were now awake and he could eat as much as he wanted. That made him smile.

Night Three

Success!

I was so afraid we'd have a repeat of night two. Luckily, we did not. He was down by our cut off of 11pm. Before he was asleep I told him that na nas would be going to sleep as well and he didn't react. He slept until 5 am! At that time I nursed him for a minute and pulled off. He protested for a second, then rolled over and went to sleep.

Tonight it gets tougher with me not offering to nurse at any waking before 6am. I'm sort of scared.

Home from the Hospital

2010-09-22T08:15:00.000-07:00

First off, wow have I neglected you, blog. I had so much to write about but no time and no internet connection. Maybe I'll catch up someday, maybe.

Tomorrow it'll be a week since Sebastian's Orchipexy. That is the medical term for surgery on an undescended testicle. His left was still up in his groin and needed to be pulled down. The whole situation freaked me out since my ex-husband had a testicle removed and was diagnosed with testicle cancer shortly after we started dating. Having to go through numerous surgeries and cancer treatments with someone like that can certainly add to your fears, especially when you remember a specialist at Stanford say an undescended testicle was a cancer culprit. Needless to say I wanted that sucker taken care of pronto.

Luckily, Dr. Morris, Sebastian's urologist agreed to operate on Sebastian at 14 months rather then wait until 18 months like he usually does. So we were scheduled for surgery a couple weeks after returning from California.

We had to wait forever to go into the OR but luckily they had a waiting room for children with tons of toys. Sebastian loved that. He kept playing with the play kitchen and BBQ as well as scooting the trucks around. I think all those toys took his mind off of food and nursing.

He went in around 45 minutes after his scheduled time which sucked considering he hadn't eaten since 3 am and here it was after 10.

I asked to go in when they put him under and they allowed me to, although it was pretty traumatic to watch. I told Alex later (as horrible as this sounds) that it was like putting an animal to sleep. Poor baby was fighting the gas mask and crying his eyes out. Terrible to see but I just knew I wanted to be there for him while they did it. The anesthesiologist was so sweet though, gently stroking his forehead and talking to him as she was holding the mask on. I really appreciated that. I made sure I didn't cry until I left the OR.

They gave Sebastian a caudal block for pain as well as freezing his incision sites. The surgery lasted an hour and went really well. The surgeon said the hernia was small and that his undescended testicle went into its place easily.

When they allowed me to see him in recovery he was crying hysterically. Poor baby. I'm sure he felt like crap and had no idea what was going on. As soon as I held him he passed out snoring. He only slept about an hour and then was up and raring to go. I was told by the anesthesiologist that he might not be able to stand/walk for the rest of the day due to his caudal block, but he was up and walking within an hour and a half, and was busy playing with toys in the hospital crib. That was his first time in a crib so I think he was a little confused about it.

Once we got home we napped and he was completely back to normal. We tried to give him his pain meds but he wanted nothing to do with them and didn't seem to even need them. The next morning he was practically running around (he's learning to run) and super happy. His steri strip and stitches should dissolve in a few days and we go back to the urologist in 5 weeks.

An added plus, this surgery only cost us $5.74, the price of his prescription pain meds. Thank you socialized medicine.

As Long As I'm Living, My Baby You'll Be

2010-07-03T15:30:00.000-07:00

To my beautiful boy on your first birthday,

I cannot believe it was only a year ago that I first laid eyes on you, my beautiful, crying bundle of perfect baby boy. Only a year ago in which you entered our lives to change them forever and make me the happiest mother that lived. If only I knew what was in store for me as I first held you and kissed you. People told me that the first year would fly by at lightning speed and they were right. In a flash you went from a small (you were never tiny) helpless baby to one of the funniest, and most clever soon to be toddler around. In the blink of an eye, you became you.

What an amazing year it has been! Boy, have you grown and learned so much. As a small baby you amazed people with your size. They never could believe you were as young as you were because you were so big and tall. You took after your daddy. You were also so strong holding your head up and loved to try and stand as we held you. I loved to watch you jump in your jumper because you had such a fun time bouncing up and down. Once you started crawling there was no stopping you, you started crawling, standing, and cruising all in one week.

Soon we knew you’d want to walk. One night, about a week before your birthday, your daddy and I were discussing you walking. We were wondering if you were going to walk before your first birthday because you had been trying to take a step alone here and there. As your daddy and I were disagreeing on what “by his first birthday” meant, you showed us up and walked across the living room! That was just the beginning and now you walk a little bit more every day. Soon you’ll be running away wanting us to catch you.

You are such an explorer. Sometimes new things were scary, such as grass, but within a couple times of sitting on or near it, you figured it wasn’t something to be scared about but something to crawl on. Kitties were perfect to try to pet and catch and one of the things that would always, always make you smile. You loved to try to figure how to work things like opening drawers and cabinets or flushing the toilet. You knew from a very young age when we hid something you weren’t supposed to have, like my cement Cheshire Cat, behind something else. You were very clever and would go back to it again and again and uncover it. There was no fooling you.

You are such a funny little person. You make me laugh every single day. Sometimes, even when you are being very spirited and pitching a fit, I have to laugh. You are very dramatic and sometimes I wonder if I have a little actor on my hands. Most nights you get very silly and go crazy standing up in bed and falling backwards over and over again. You love that and laugh and laugh. Your laughter is one of the best sounds in the world.

You are a loving person. You like to give me big slobbery kisses and sometimes are still enough to give me hugs. You like to hug your animals and take care of your baby, which is so sweet to see. You are also very outgoing. You always like for people to pay attention to you and you make friends with everyone. You especially like to smile at pretty girls. Unlike lots of babies your age, you like strangers and greet them with a smile or some loud babble.

You have a smile that lights up a room and lights up my heart. You are my heart, my gorgeous, wonderful boy whom I love so, so much. May this next year be a year of continued discovery, and exciting adventure. May you laugh more than you cry. And may you continue to touch the hearts of those around you. You are an amazing little person and it will be a joy to see how you grow and change.

I love you more than you could ever know.

Love, Mama

Attack of the Carboholic

2010-06-28T11:50:00.000-07:00

It has happened. My once good, well rounded eater has been replaced by the carbmonster. Where he used to love his veggies and meat, he now will toss them aside for the cats or the floor to eat. Some nights it seems like he has eaten nothing. Hand him a Ritz, a piece of bread, or his new fave, a Vegetable Thin and he'll inhale that thing quicker than I can pick a cast aside piece of strawberry off the floor.

All is not lost though because he still has a love affair with all things briney. Pickles, awesome! Olives, heaven! Seriously, what kid passes up a nice juicy strawberry to nom on a Kalamata olive? Oh yeah, my kid.

The carb addiction must be a toddler thing because I see posts about other babies his age doing the same thing. When I start to worry about his nutrition, I just comfort myself my being glad we are still nursing. At least he's eating something other than Nabisco/Christie products. Maybe they'd like a spokesbaby.

One of the Worst Books Ever

2010-06-26T11:13:00.000-07:00

Well, certainly one of the worst to read a week away from your baby's first birthday.

I happened across this book while at a local Christian bookstore, getting a baptism present for one of our favorite little dudes. Oh. my. god, I had to shut it quick before I started crying big ugly tears right there in the store.

I mean this one ranks up there with Robert Munsch's Love You Forever. You remember that one where the grown man rocks his elderly mother on his lap as she had done for so many years. KILLS ME.

You can see a few pages here but get out the tissue.

"Long ago you came to me,

a miracle of firsts;

First smiles and teeth and baby steps,

a sunbeam on the burst.

But one day you will move away

and leave me to your past.

And I will be left thinking of

of a lifetime of your lasts..."

*SOB*

"The last time when you ran to me,

still small enough to hold.

The last time when you said you'd marry

me when you got old.

Precious, simple moments and

bright flashes from your past-

Would I have held on longer if

I'd have known they were your last?"

Seriously, bad idea.

I am so not ready for his birthday to come. Please sweet boy, please stop, for just a little while. I'm not ready to let go.

New Meanings, New Beginnings

2010-06-17T13:06:00.000-07:00

This Sunday is Father's Day which historically is a day in which I'd rather gargle turpentine than celebrate. I believe I started calling it Non-existent Father's Day in my teens and oft wished they had Hallmark cards celebrating it or cards you could give to moms for being both mom and dad. Who knows, they probably have them now.

See, my dad was an abusive asshole, probably still is considering that he's still alive as far as I know. That day was never a time to celebrate and its arrival would always make me cry many daddy-less tears, second only to watching the father and daughter dance at a wedding (I have to leave the room for those).

However, now I can put that behind me. I can start anew with the afore dreaded Father's Day. Father's Day has new meaning for me this year.

I only have to look at my husband playing with Sebastian or hear him tell him he loves him to have that sadness wiped away. I can celebrate what my son has and what he and my husband have given me rather than what I don't have and for that I am so grateful.

I may get irritated at my husband sometimes and wish he helped me more, I may get pissed off at the whole me/him/step-daughter triangle, but he is first and foremost a great dad and boy does he love his kids.

Thank you Alex for what you have given me and for how much you love our baby. I love you and Happy Father's Day!

Mark One Off

2010-04-20T14:25:00.000-07:00

In March I blogged about my "Baby Bucket List", the list of things I would like to do with Sebastian some day. A couple weekends ago I got to cross one of those things off the list when we went to the Toronto Zoo with my mom, since she was visiting.

My husband clearly forgot that to hang with me and do any sort of sightseeing, you have to leave early. For some reason he thought leaving the house around 11am would give us plenty of time at the zoo. Major parent fail.

Anyway, we got to the zoo in time for lunch which we brought because we are broke and just can't do the $4.95 for a Beaver Tail thing right now. Even though it was a sunny (albeit a bit chilly) day the kid's zoo section was closed. That was so not cool. We really were looking forward to letting Sebastian touch the animals in that section. So we figured he'd probably enjoy it more when he was older anyway and set off to the Australasia Pavilion. Whoa stinky! Sebastian enjoyed looking at the birds and loved the Wallabies.

We also posed with a willing Komodo Dragon.

"Come here Mr. Komodo Dragon, I will gouge out your eyes for you".

Then we mosied on over through Eurasia which was quite desolate and fairly boring aside of the sleeping Snow Leopards. As you can see Sebastian wasn't so impressed with that section either and took a much needed nap.

Then we finally got to the Tundra Trek section which was the section of the zoo all of us adults were looking forward to. I mean hello, Polar Bears! Sebastian woke up but didn't seem all too thrilled with lazy bears waaaaay over there. The Arctic Wolves were a bit more interesting. At this point Sebastian was hungry so I sat myself down in some tepee they had set up there and nursed him cross-legged on the ground. I kind of felt tribal and all mama power right then. My mom wanted to take a pic of us but Alex said not to. Frankly I would have liked one of that moment. We just sat in there and nursed as people came in and out of the tepee. Who knows if they knew what was going on. Later he decided he wasn't done and I successfully nursed him upright in the Ergo. Awesomeness.

As we were heading into the Africa section we realized we only had an hour before the zoo closed. Such a parent fail right there. Why we started with one of the largest, most boring sections I'll never know. We were going to miss out on all the lions and elephants and gorillas and such. There was no way we'd get through those in an hour, nor did I want to rush through them. So we decided to visit the giraffe house, because they were right next to us, and call it a day.

Sebastian was highly amused by the giraffes. Here were three giant, real life Sophies to gawk at. I hadn't ever been so close to one before and was amazed at their size. What gorgeous animals!

My mom had to visit the gift shop before leaving, of course, and luckily I dissuaded her from buying Sebastian every stuffed animal there was. I mean, he already has a stuffed giraffe, does he really need another?

And just because, I have to share something I saw in the gift shop that made me want to pull my hair out.

As always, virtual cupcakes for the reader who can guess why.

So despite it being short, we had a good day. We'll go back to the zoo when Sebastian is older so he can get more out of it and enjoy the sections we missed. Maybe we'll go next summer when more sections are open.

BLW Update 3/22 - 4/7

2010-04-08T06:36:00.000-07:00

This is another small update of new food items. At the end of the month I'll be updating the large list to show all of the foods Sebastian has eaten over our 3 1/2 months of BLW.

Homemade mac and cheese ♥
Cheeseburger
Grapes ♥
Strawberry ♥
Dill pickle ♥
French toast
Cauliflower (both raw and cooked)
Pork loin
Cherry jello ♥
Baked zitti ♥
Tuna salad
Zucchini
Refried black beans
Cheese Enchilada

He loved the strawberry but it made Sebastian, his highchair, and the floor look like a murder scene. I then got paranoid about allergies, which I normally don't, and panicked about letting him try strawberries before age one. So while he was fine and had no reaction to the berry I may wait a month or so before giving him another one.

Easter evening we had some cherry Jello as a dessert. I used a bowl that my Grammy gave me. It was hers for years and I had always liked it as a child because it was so pretty. I had my first Jello out of that bowl and my grandmother would always tell the funny story about my first reaction to it. So, I was looking forward to the day I could make Jello (yes, lame I know) for my own child. Alex was not thrilled with the idea because of all the sugar and junk in there but in the end he realized one bite was not going to kill Sebastian.

What is this silly stuff?

You expect me to eat this?

I love Jello!

This week we went out to dinner at Swiss Chalet. Since it was an impromptu dinner I didn't have a sippy cup with me so they gave us a covered glass with a straw. I wasn't convinced he would get anything out of it but, to my surprise, my 9 month old baby used that straw like a pro. We tried it again yesterday at East Side Mario's even though I came armed with a sippy and he did just as well.

I've been really happy to get feedback (both here and on the message boards) from many of you who read my BLW blog posts and thrilled for those of you who have found success with BLW either by starting on your own or by being encouraged or influenced by our experiences. My husband keeps telling me to start a specific BLW blog but I don't know if that would be overkill. Anyone have thoughts on that?

My Son, MacGyver

2010-03-30T10:10:00.000-07:00

I fear we are in for it now. Sebastian is turning into MacGyver.

I submit as evidence:

A) Two nights ago we followed him into the bathroom as he was crawling in there. He went right up to the toilet, pulled up and tried to flush the toilet.

B) That same evening I was making the fold out bed in anticipation of my mother's arrival today. Sebastian was in the room with me "helping", i.e. yanking on the sheets. One of the cats jumped on the bed. He freaking loves that cat so he tried to climb onto the bed to reach her. The bed was too high so he, I kid you not, crawled to a garbage bag of diapers I had sitting there to take out of the room with me and drug it to the bed. He then climbed on top of the bag to try to climb up on the bed. It was still too high so he gave up.

C) Last night we were battling with him to get him to sleep. He kept trying to crawl head first off of the bed. I decided to take another bedsharing family's advice and show him how to crawl off the bed back end first. Obviously we would prefer him to stay on the bed but by teaching him how to get down safely we figure it would stop some banged heads and bruises. I showed him a few times and he was having none of it. He crawled across the room, pulled up at the door, and reached towards the doorknob to get out.

Yep, we are in trouble. Next thing we know he'll be rigging a way to get out of the house with tinfoil and chewing gum.

BLW Update 3/8 - 3/21

2010-03-21T08:51:00.001-07:00

We are starting to get into combinations of solids now rather than only individual ingredients such eggplant and pear and a piece of meat. The past two weeks Sebastian has enjoyed quite a few new recipes and seemed to like most all of them.

Again, hearts indicate favorites.

Greek salad
Tunafish casserole ♥
Croissant
Ratatouille ♥
Corned beef and cabbage with potatoes ♥
Sesame seed bagel
Celery ♥
Egg salad sandwich
Veggie lasagna ♥

Yeah, Greek salad was not a hit. The lettuce was too hard for him to manage and it kept getting stuck to the roof of his mouth.

Sebastian much preferred his green bean. We steam a couple for 20 seconds in the microwave and he loves them.

Eating corned beef and cabbage on St. Patrick's Day

I've noticed that he is very aware of what he is eating in comparison to what we are eating and will get upset if what he is eating is different from what we are eating. For example, if we have grilled cheese and soup, he can have the grilled cheese but not the soup. I'll make him a vegetable in place of the soup but he doesn't like that it's different.

My Mother, My Hero

2010-03-17T06:23:00.000-07:00

We've already established I am turning into my mother, yet sometimes things remind me that I will never be half the woman she is in certain respects.

I was truly lucky to have a mother who stayed at home with me until I was eight years old and a welcome divorce necessitated she return to work. She was a wonder mom, the type who kept a spotless house, had a home cooked dinner on the table every night, and fresh cookies in the cookie jar each week. She also was my room mom every year.

Now that I'm a stay at home mom myself I have to ask myself, do I strive to be that wonder mom? Could I even do it? I don't think I can and here's why.

I am not anyone's damn maid.

(Well, anyone other than myself and my infant son's)

Perhaps I'm just bitter. Let me clarify and say that I am thrilled I can stay home with my son. Not being able to legally work worked out for me in that aspect. I am very grateful I can watch him grow and learn every day, and spend so much time with him. Those are moments I could never give up. However, I don't understand why SAHM = maid to all.

I get it, I get that many folks think if you are a SAHM, your job is the home and you should take care of it but that means that your job is raising the kids AND taking care of the whole house. Ideally I can see that happening when Sebastian is a bit older but now, *phhhhtt*, forget it.

It's hard because sometimes Alex comes home and makes comments about food on the highchair or crumbs on the counter (not always mine)and it makes me feel like crap. I know he sometimes wonders what I do all day. I certainly don't sit on my butt and eat bon bons. Now that Sebastian is crazy mobile I literally chase him and play bodyguard ALL DAY. I can't leave him alone for a second because he'll pull up somewhere he shouldn't, be pulling books off of the shelf (having a great time while doing it), or falling over and hitting his head because he'll try to stand on his own.

He's also very clingy at the moment so most of the time I have to be right next to him or holding him. Forget peeing in peace. If I want to get anything done while he's awake I have to wear him in my Ergo.

By reading the Bump message boards you'd think my kid is an alien because unlike the two - three naps most babies his age are taking, I am lucky if Sebastian takes one, ONE! So during that one nap I have to pack all of my cleaning for the day in and try to find a few minutes for myself (like I'm doing now by writing on my blog) lest I go crazy. Plus now that it's nicer out I try to get Sebastian and I out of the house for walks or to go to the park or library a couple times a week because we both can get stir crazy stuck inside the house.

This doesn't leave much time to clean up after everyone, because that's what I am doing. Since I've started staying at home it seems I have become everyone's maid. We don't have a dishwasher so I do all dishes. I'm the only one who cleans the bathroom, the kitchen, the dinning room, the living room, or Sebastian's room. I'm the only one who vacuums, sweeps, or mops. I'm the only one who puts Sebastian's toys away, does his laundry, or organizes his room. If I didn't wash and change our sheets we'd be sleeping on the same sheets for months. It's very frustrating when there are two other adults in the house that don't help.

Now I am grateful that Alex does much of the cooking because if he didn't love it so much or do it as much, Sebastian would be living in that Ergo.

I guess my point it, how did my mom do it? How did my wonder mother not go bat shit crazy? How come women of old could do so much more than I can? Did thy hold secret resentments or did they just put up and shut up because it was "women's work" they were expected to do and love it?

We could discuss this further but Sebastian just woke up after a 30 min nap and I need to finish washing dishes, finish cleaning the bathroom, fold and put away laundry, clean the living room, get the corned beef and cabbage ready to go in the oven, prep the house for my stepdaughter's guest,.....

A New Type of Birth Control?

2010-03-11T20:50:00.000-08:00

I was reading a blog recently that centered around what pregnant women won't tell you, or what you don't know before becoming pregnant. It was pretty funny and truthful. I mean, I sure as hell had no idea about hamburger crotch or pooping on the table (I didn't do that for the record, I even asked). One would think that some of that stuff be good enough as birth control for the 16 and Pregnant set. I don't know about that. I propose we kick it up a notch and share the things you never knew about post partum, a dual layer birth control as it were.

1. Pregnancy Brain Gets Much, Much Worse

First of all I'd like to say that I planned on writing this blog post for about four months but I kept forgetting. Mommy Brain is no joke. I thought pregnancy brain was bad but it was nothing compared to the constant fog my brain resides in. Ask me what I did yesterday and you are likely to be greeted with a blank stare. I'm sure if I could actually remember anything I could tell you a funny anecdote. I could ask Alex to share one but he probably wouldn't be able to either. Mommy Brain is catching, you see.

2.Pooping Becomes a Religious Experience

And we aren't talking a good experience, we are talking about the "grip the sides of the toilet and hope for God to strike you dead" kind of religious experience. People always talk about the pooping on the table thing like it's some horrific thing and I say, forget that; the first one, two, three (even four) bowel movements are what is horrific. I swear I needed an epidural to push a teeny tiny crap past my stitches and no amount of Colace could help me.

3. Bald is the New Black

Around three months post-partum I noticed my drains starting to clog up regularly. I would wake up with my pillow, myself, and my child covered in hair. I'd have to clean out my brush weekly. Even though all signs were pointing to a hair exodus, I was in denial. It wasn't until I really examined my hairline in the mirror and saw that on either side of my temples it looked like I was actually and truly snatched bald headed. My once beautiful pregnancy hair was gone leaving me with a head reminiscent of a chemo patient. It is finally growing back in but now my head is covered with inch long wispy baby hairs. This whole hair situation makes a weave seem like not such a bad idea.

4. Are You There God? It's Me, Jennifer.

I've always been a small boobed girl. I was made fun of in junior high for being barely an A cup. It sucked. I longed for big boobs and if I could have added boobs to a Christmas or birthday list, I would have. Luckily, I grew into a small B in adulthood but I still longed for full, luscious Victoria Secret boobs. Imagine my extreme pleasure when I went to purchase a new bra during pregnancy and I had to buy a C cup. They just kept getting bigger and better. It was like winning the boob lottery. I mean seriously look at how fantastic they are in this pic!

That's all boob, no padded bra of old and taken a day short of Sebastian's one monthday. (Of course one could write another post on why I thought that would be a good outfit to wear to my son's baptism but whatevs. Thankfully I had him blocking my boobs the entire Mass)

Anyway, I could just cry looking at those fabulous things now because they are no longer. I'm still wearing my C cup bras but take the bra off and I have full on floppy National Geographic boobs. What happened?! I mean I had heard your boobs could shrink again but what the hell is this floppy boob thing? My boobs may have been small but dammit they were perky. I want those boobs back. I swear, God, I'll never be jealous of big ol' boobs again if these saggy things go away and my small perky ones return.

5. Sexy Time is no Longer Sexy

Why? It still freaking hurts. Yep 8.5 months later and I can probably count the times we've had sex on two hands, heck one and a half hands. Tears and breastfeeding do a number on the old sex drive and vagina. It's as if I had a permanent layer of sandpaper inserted after I pushed Sebastian out. Maybe that's what my midwife was doing so long down there. It doesn't help that we bedshare with a baby who is a poor sleeper. Just getting adult alone time is an act of congress. At least it is slowly getting better, but man, that was not expected.

So there you go, my five top "Things You Never Were Told About Post Pregnancy". If the prospect of pancake boobs, a dry vagina, bald patches, painful poops, and what was the other thing again? wasn't birth control for a teen (or anyone really) I don't know what else is.

We All Turn Into Our Mothers in the End

2010-03-09T07:13:00.000-08:00

We always hear as little girls that you turn into your mother. You think as a teen that it will never happen to you but then one day, perhaps in your 30's or even earlier, you realize that yes, you have turned into your mother.

The transformation first happened with my voice. Sometimes I say things in a tone or manner that sound just like my mom. The horror! Even Alex would notice it. Then it spread to word usage. I catch myself using words my mom use and some of them are super annoying. It happens mostly when I'm talking to Sebastian. Ummm "stinky poo"? I hated that stupid phrase as a kid so why the hell am I using it with my son?

Voice and words aside the worst possible thing about turning into my mother happened and I just about wanted to die.

It happened one evening as I was picking up Sebastian's toys in the living room. I bent over in front of Alex and he says, "Your butt is starting to look like your mom's".

Instant. tears.

You see, my mom has always been a stick, like seriously 110 lbs and 5'8. While that seems like an awesome thing to some, it isn't. She has NO ASS, none. It's really tragic and even she doesn't like it much.

The sad thing is...he's right. Pre-pregnancy one of the things I really liked about my body was my bigger butt and now it's disappearing. I don't get it. How can having a baby make your nice butt go away? And it has, I checked in the mirror. My once firm butt has sagged.

So yes ladies, not only is loss of butt something they don't warn you about post pregnancy, it can be yet another example of how we all turn into our mothers in "the end".

BLW Update 3/1-3/7

2010-03-08T06:02:00.000-08:00

More new foods were tried this week. Again, favorites are marked with a heart.

Salsa chicken with black beans
Corn
Spanish rice
Summer sausage ♥
Chicken balls with sweet and sour sauce ♥
Egg roll (veggie)♥
Fried won ton
Beef and peppers with garlic black bean sauce ♥
Chicken fettuccine alfredo with sun dried tomato sauce♥
Yogurt with granola
Wheat english muffins

Sebastian really liked the chinese food, even though we didn't so much since it was a new place for us. He also loved the fettuccine alfredo and cried when his tray was empty. I can't say he ate it all since a lot ends up in his bib pocket. I'm glad he is enjoying so many different flavours. Again Alex and I agree that BLW was one of the best parenting choices we have made. Sebastian still tries everything placed in front of him and he hasn't gagged in weeks.

The only new food he hasn't liked much was the homemade spanish rice. We are thinking it was too spicy. Alex said next time he makes it he'll cut down on the spices.

Baby Bucket List and Living Life

2010-03-01T08:14:00.000-08:00

Recently I've been thinking about how I spend my time. It started with Alex and I having an argument over how much I'm online. Instead of getting defensive over it (I've been working really hard on the not getting defensive thing)I realized that he was totally right. I have my comp on all day so when Sebastian is nursing, napping, or playing on his own I can pop on and check my boards. The problem is, I think I'm too emotionally tethered to them and to Facebook and I need to cut way back. I need to focus on my family and my son. So now I turn off my computer in the evenings and am working on cutting back usage during the day.

With the computer turned off I've started to think about what I could, or should, be doing instead, yes, even what I want to be doing. Those thoughts led to what I would like to do with Sebastian, or for Sebastian. Of course I could come up with a ginormous list if I wrote down everything I'd ever like to do so I've decided to stay within 5 years. The following is our baby bucket list, things I'd like to do in Sebastian's first five years. Some things may be a bit of a stretch due to finances but I'm going to include them anyway. Some things we've already done so I'll mark them off.

1. Take S to Hawaii
2. Take S to Disneyland (Planning on it for his 5th birthday)
3. Build a snowman
4. ~~Cut down our own tree at the Christmas tree farm~~
5. Go sledding
6. ~~Have S meet his Great Grammy~~ One of my biggest IF fears was not having a child before she passed. I am so blessed that he was able to spend time with her.
7. Take S to the SF MOMA
8. Play with homemade playdough
9. Bake cookies
10. Buy S his first LEGO set
11. Have family pictures taken
12. Ride a kiddie roller coaster
13. ~~Take S to the Monterey Bay Aquarium~~
14. Play in the Pacific Ocean
15. Ride on a cable car
16. ~~Baptize S~~
17. Go to the fair
18. ~~Go to the Toronto Zoo and see the polar bears~~
19. ~~Go to the library every week~~
20. ~~Go swimming~~
21. Ride a train
22. Carve a jack-o-lantern
23. Go trick or treating
24. See the Nutcracker
25. See a children's play
26. Dye Easter eggs
27. Start Sebastian's birthday art book (Drawings every year on his birthday)
28. Play in fall leaves
29. Buy S a play kitchen
30. Build a fort
31. Go rollerskating
32. Go ice skating
33. Hunt Easter eggs
34. Get pet rats
35. Read a-loud Alice in Wonderland
36. Go camping
37. Teach S to tap dance
38. Sail on a boat
39. Go whale watching
40. Eat Monterey Fisherman's Wharf caramel corn
41. Ride bikes
42. Bounce in a bounce house
43. Play hide and seek
44. Fly a kite
45. Have a picnic on the beach
46. ~~Go to the pumpkin patch~~
47. Visit an apple farm and pick apples
48. Raise money for UNICEF
49. Make valentines
50. Raise butterflies
51. Paint pottery
52. Play at Dennis the Menace Park
53. Feed the ducks at the park
54. Ride a carousel
55. Create a yearly book authored by S
56. Start family game night
57. Get a smile from his big sister
58. Plant a vegetable garden
59. Go geocaching when S can really participate
60. Build a sandcastle

I'll be adding to this list as things come to me.

BLW New Food List 2/20-2/28

2010-03-01T06:36:00.000-08:00

Time to update our BLW food list as we've introduced a handful of new foods. Again, I've marked favorites with a heart.

Homemade Mac and Cheese ♥
Spinach
Mango ♥
Sloppy Joe w/out bread
Chicken stir fry with rice ♥
Pineapple
Toast with Apple butter
California rolls
Kappa Maki

For Purple Mountains Majesty

2010-02-23T12:02:00.000-08:00

I've almost been in Canada for six months. It'll be six months on the 15th of March and the time has flown by. I've had some thoughts about it that have really been brought to the forefront by the Olympics of all things.

Many of my Canadian friends ask if I'm torn between who I'm rooting for, or joke that I better be rooting for Canada. Initially I thought that I wasn't rooting for anyone and today I realized (or realised for my Canadian readers)that no, I can't deny it, I'm rooting for Team USA. Despite being a resident (though not permanent resident yet) of Canada I am rooting for who I am and I don't think I'll ever change.

This morning Alex, Sebastian, and I were watching the ice dancing that he had PVR'd for me. As the Canadians were presented with their gold medals and "Oh Canada" played I had a twinge of sadness, sadness that I would be raising Sebastian away from my home, his first home, out of the United States. He would never be saying the Pledge of Allegiance each morning at school or singing the Star Spangled Banner. I wanted to cry and then felt really stupid.

Because, if he wasn't being raised in Canada he would be raised in the States and wouldn't his Dad feel the same way? Probably not (Alex roots for Holland in the Olympics) but I still feel like maybe I'm being a little unfair.

Unfair and homesick. There are things I like about living here and then there are many things I love and miss about living in the States. However, this is our choice and someday this will be my new home where America the Beautiful lives on in my heart and through my son as I teach him that he is lucky boy who can wave two flags.

What a Difference a Year Makes

2010-02-20T10:37:00.000-08:00

In August I wrote a blog post about my friend Tim and how my friend Catherine found him after we had been searching for years. The story still amazes me as does Tim and all that he has accomplished over the past year since he was helped off the street.

I'm happy to report that he is working, has his own place, and is 11 months sober. Things can be tough for him emotionally now and again but that can be expected. Other exciting Tim news settles around a new documentary about Pimp this Bum and Tim's journey. I only hope I can see it in my area. If not, I've heard it might be available to watch online.

Go Tim!

The New Foods Keep Coming

2010-02-19T07:26:00.000-08:00

Since Sunday we've tried a few new meal items for Sebastian so I thought I'd update them here rather than add them to my previous blog post.

This week he's tried:

tunafish sandwich ♥
taco
kiwi
spaghetti ♥

Baby Led Weaning Update

2010-02-14T07:02:00.000-08:00

I've been meaning to make a post about our progress with Baby Led Weaning and now have a chance to sit down and do so. Naps are so few and far between these days.

Baby Led Weaning, or BLW, is poorly named because when people hear you are following it they assume you are weaning your child from breastfeeding which isn't BLW at all. Sometimes you'll hear it being referred to as Baby Led Solids which I feel is a much better term. Instead of spoon feeding your child purees you are giving your child table foods and allowing them to eat along with you. Studies have shown that this affords children the opportunity to explore different tastes and textures of foods. BLW children are said to be less picky with their foods. This makes sense to me because often pablum and purees seem tasteless or a far cry from their fresh counterparts.

With BLW you offer your child foods and allow them to choose what they want to eat. You do not feed them, but allow them the power to feed themselves. For example, instead of feeding Sebastian yogurt from a spoon, I load the spoon and either set it down or hold it out for him to grab. He puts the spoon in his own mouth.

In the beginning you don't expect babies to eat much of what is placed in front of them (Most of their nutrition up to a year comes from breastmilk or formula anyway). They usually just explore it. Sebastian doesn't play with his food much, nor does he drop much on the floor if he's in the mood to get down to business. He does taste everything and mash it into his mouth. He will take bites of things and roll it around in his mouth and suck on it. Sometimes I'll find a piece a few hours later that he's stored like a chipmunk.

So while he isn't swallowing much I do find evidence of it in his diapers more and more each week. I think that will just come with time. He has mastered use of his sippy cup, however, and loves totting it around to get sips of water now and again. He tips his head back and everything. Of course he also tries to drink out of any cup or bottle we are drinking out of which makes morning coffee consumption a bit difficult.

As for the foods he's tried, I'm very impressed with his list and impressed by what he seems to like and will "eat". He'll try anything you place in front of him and there are only a few thinks he's ever made a face at (but then will try it again anyway). The following is our list of foods, his very favorites have a heart next to them. Most veggies we steam though some we roast, like the squash. Most fruit will be given to him with the skin and rind on so he can get a better grip of it.

Vegetables:

Green beans ♥
Carrots
Broccoli ♥
Sweet potato (has to be mashed and he's not into that texture)
Lettuce
Cucumber ♥
Asparagus
Green Pepper
Red Pepper
Acorn squash
Eggplant ♥

Fruit:

Avocado
Apple
Peach ♥
Nectarine
Cantaloupe ♥
Asian pear
Bartlett pear
Banana
Honeydew melon
Tomato

Grains:

Wheat bread
Rolls
Whole wheat pasta
Crackers
Flat bread
Mum mums
Cinnamon raisin bagel

Meats:

Ham ♥
Roast turkey
Roast beef
Ground beef
Breaded fish
Chicken (roast and pan cooked)
Pork roast
Hot dog (small piece due to all the crap in them)

Dairy:

Cheese
Yogurt (various flavours)

Various:
Pizza (homemade including crust)
Grilled cheese ♥
Pancake
Meat pasta sauce
Cheesy potatoes

The few foods he didn't seem to like after a few tries were avocado, sweet potato, and banana. I suspect it's because of the texture. We'll keep trying those out periodically to see if he changes his mind.

Here he was double spooning. He does pretty well with holding the spoon correctly but sometimes will ignore the handle to feel the fun stuff on the spoon. After this he offered his spoon of yogurt to the cat.

This was his first try of broccoli. He got the hang of it right away and will eat both ends. It's a good food to start with because they have good handles that allow babies to get a good grip.

Mmm banana, or not. I give it to Sebastian cut in half with a fourth of the peel peeled away so he has a peel covered handle. Banana on its own was too hard to handle. As you can see by his face he wasn't liking it. This was around the fourth time we tried it. By the way, banana stains. It leaves weird black flecks on clothes. Who knew?

Another broccoli shot. He does love his broccoli. He can always have mine.

This is what gagging looks like. At first it's scary and luckily for us it doesn't happen often, however, once you settle down and realize it's the child's way of preventing choking, it's pretty cool to watch. You can see the bit of broccoli he has on his tongue. It was too big and he slowly moved it forward until he could spit it out.

"Millions of peaches...", yeah Sebastian would be happy. He loves fresh peaches.

We are still thrilled with our choice to BLW and can see that it works for us and for Sebastian. Alex says that he only wishes he knew about it when his older kids were little because he loves it so much.

For those that are interested in learning more, check out the following websites:

Gill Rapley's Original Paper on BLW (Dutch site with lots of info)
babyledweaning.com with forum

I Can See Clearly Now, the Rain is (almost) Gone

2010-02-10T08:58:00.000-08:00

I have been a bad blogger. By stopping my weekly updates I've allowed myself to slack off even more. Not that I'm slacking in everything. I just find that having an active and clingy 7 month old doesn't allow me much time to concentrate on any writing. I'm lucky if I can even pee without a child in my arms.

The past month and a half has been full of ups and downs. Our biggest high was Alex finally finding a job. Unfortunately we experienced our lowest low at the same time and are slowly digging ourselves out. I hadn't really discussed that with many people out of shame but I figured I might as well let it out.

We are so thankful for the generosity of our family and friends over the holidays. I cried hard when I received a package from my snarky girls on the Bump. Those gift cards were a Godsend and fed us for a couple weeks and allowed us to have a Christmas tree for Sebastian's first Christmas. I don't think I could ever express how grateful I am for their friendship and how grateful we were or those gifts.

We still had to budget like crazy and cut our grocery bills down to around $50 a week. It was hard and I'd sometimes cry in the car because we couldn't get the fresh foods I wanted to get for Sebastian. Luckily, I still breastfeed and most of his nutrition comes from that.

However, cards run out and we had already borrowed too much from family so we had to turn to community assistance. I never thought we'd have to resort to the food bank but now I realize that most anyone could be put in the position of needing to use it. Alex went each time and the stories he brought back were so sad and mirrored our own, families with small babies, families that looked like it was their first time, mother's crying because of the humiliation. I'm glad I didn't go (we would have had to wait outside with Sebastian)because I would have been a mess as well.

So now we wait for Alex's paychecks to kick in. Our phones were turned off, as was our tv, but we still have internet (for the moment) and a roof over our heads. My mom left me money so I could get Sebastian's pictures taken and has sent him clothes since he's growing so fast.

So what have we learned from this ordeal:

-We are stronger than we think.
-It's ok to get help sometimes.
-You can survive on $50 a week or less on groceries. You don't need to spend $200.
-Going through food bank boxes can be like Christmas.
-You don't need presents to have a good Christmas. Christmas is spending time with family.
-Meal plan from the fliers up.
-Be grateful every day for what you have.
-Give back.

Once we are back on our feet we plan on giving back to the food bank. We want to donate as well as volunteer. You never know who will need your help.

Baby Led Weaning

2009-12-27T16:23:00.000-08:00

After researching Baby Led Weaning and talking about when and how to start solids, Alex and I decided that BLW was the way to go. We were committed to exclusively breastfeed until 6 months and ended up starting BLW a week and a couple days shy of Sebastian's six monthday. It was hard to wait since he was showing all of the "signs" of readiness for a month. I could barely eat anything or drink a bottle of water without him trying to grab it.

So we were pretty excited to start though, to be honest, it also made me a bit sad because it's just another thing along with his three teeth that are proof he's growing up and moving closer to a year. Plus, until now he has depended solely on me (and yes, I know he still does)for his food. Me = emotional mama.

Anyway, we started him on Christmas night. It seemed fitting considering it was a holiday and my mom was here to celebrate with us. It was also a prelude to our big family Boxing Day meal. We decided to offer him green beans, carrots, ham, a bit of cheesy potatoes, and a roll. He also had a new sippy cup with some water.

Here is our photographic evidence...

My big boy in his high chair, clearly excited to be joining the family for dinner.

"You mean this is all for me!?"

He went for the ham first.

He loved his roll the most.

"Forget these cheesy potatoes, I want my ham."

Trying out his sippy cup.

The whole thing was very positive and Sebastian was happy the whole time. He didn't gag at all. He preferred the ham and roll over everything else, though I don't know if he ingested any of either of them. He must have eaten some green beans because I found the evidence of a bite in his diaper today.

The following two days, were also good with Sebastian trying new foods such as avocado (meh), chicken (yum!), asparagus (thumbs up), cucumber (gimmie more), and lettuce (not a fan).

I'm so proud of him. Thumbs up for BLW.

She Gave Me a Gift

2009-12-10T16:13:00.000-08:00

Something happened today that helped my heart just a little bit.

My grandmother was from Michigan. She grew up the youngest in a large family on a farm. She moved to California with my Grandfather after the war and although she loved California, she missed certain things about Michigan and the sight of snow and cardinals were a couple of them.

When I moved here she always asked me if I saw any cardinals because she loved them so, and even though they are apparently common around here, I never did. My mom said she would also ask her if I had any reported sightings.

This afternoon I took Sebastian out into the snow for the first time. I figured it would be a fitting goodbye, being out in the snow. We made a snow angel for her and then came inside.

I looked out into our backyard and asked her to watch over us and about 30 seconds later two cardinals, a male and female, flew into our yard and onto a tree outside the window. I can't help but think it was my Grammy and Pompy, together again after all these years, showing me they we indeed watching over us.

I'll Love You Forever

2009-12-10T14:51:00.000-08:00

This morning one of my biggest supporters and undoubtedly one of the most special people in my life passed away. It was a day I was dreading and a day I didn't expect, not yet anyway.

My Grammy, Evadene Brooks, died this morning after a fit of characteristic stubbornness. She had collapsed this morning and refused to go to the hospital. She died shortly thereafter. She would have wanted it that way as she always hated being in the hospital ("their food is terrible!"). When my mom called to tell me it was if a little piece of me died.

My grandma, "Grammy" named by my older cousin, was quite the matriarch, a matriarch of a family of all women. She was always so very loving towards me but also a bit of a battle-ax when it came to others. If she she didn't like something, you'd hear about it.

A majority of my childhood was spent either at her house or with my grandparents over to ours. Dinners were always a special time except for the odd meal here or there where I or my cousins would pull the ol' food in the napkin trick. She never caught on or at least never acted like she did. We spent countless hours taking walks and going to the beach to have picnics. We played in her backyard climbing trees and I loved dancing for her. When I started teaching Sunday School and working at her church nursery we would spend every Sunday together. That's a lot of dedication to cart a sleepy teenager to church every Sunday. My mom and I even lived with her for 6 months while she recovered from knee replacement surgery. Three generations of women in one house was like a battle royal. My poor mom. It was us against her for sure.

As I got older my grandmother continued to be one of my biggest supporters and I always knew I had her unfaltering love. Life has a way of keeping you busy and even though we lived 15 min from each other, I didn't get to see her as often as I would have liked. That killed me because she noticable loved us coming over. I regret we didn't put things aside and go see her more often.

Her health had been bad for quite a few years and we always thought she may not make it too much longer. Part of me knew she wanted to stick around to see me have a child. It had been a long wait. I wear an Uncommon Thread bracelet which was given to me by a friend during my infertility struggles and she was the only person to ask me what the bracelet meant. She knew we were struggling and was beyond thrilled when told her I was pregnant. Now that I think about it, it was about a year ago.

She loved Sebastian. We would go over and visit her and she would hold him for a little while until she felt she was too shakey to continue.

Saying goodbye to her for the last time, before we moved, was terrible. She kept hugging me and telling Sebastian and me that she loved us. She also gave me a Loonie that she had saved in her desk for years (why, I don't know)and gave it to me for good luck.

The last time we saw her would have been three months tomorrow. For three months she was so far away and now I'll never get to see her on this earth again. I just have to have faith that we will be together again. All of us, my beloved Grammy and my beloved Pompy.

I love you Grammy. I am glad you are no longer hurting. I hope you are enjoying a new life with Pompy and having the best food ever. You will be so very missed for the rest of my days.

Time to Lock Up the Electronics and Other Silly Sebastian Happenings

2009-12-01T06:05:00.000-08:00

My kid is going to be one of those kids who takes apart Mommy and Daddy's DVD player and cell phones. I can see it already.

We are considering getting him a dummy remote because he love, love, loves our TV remote. He'll just stare at it and lean out of our arms to try and get it. I don't know how I feel about that.

He seems sort of bored with his toys in general, like he needs more stimulation though I don't know what that could be at 5 months (on Thursday). He can't sit up on his own yet so it's not like he can play with some sorts of toys yet.

Not that kids need tons of fancy toys anyway, right? Sunday, we had Alex's mom over for dinner and afterwards Alex, his mom, and I played Rummy Cube. Sebastian switched off from being on my lap to his dad's. At one point I was drinking out of my water bottle and he tried so hard to rip it out of my hands. Once I finished with it I let him have the bottle and he played with it for a good 45 minutes. He'd chew on it, stick the opening in his mouth like he was going to try drinking out of it, and ripping the label off. He actually got the whole label off!

Another occurrence that makes me fear for our gadgets besides how manipulative (in the motor skills way) he is, is how smart he seems to be.

He already knows how to remove my nursing pads and will do so sometimes when he wants to nurse. Last night as Alex and I sat on the couch watching House, Sebastian started trying to undo my nursing tank. He sat there staring intensely at it, making his old man working/thinking sounds of "Ehhhhhhhhhhhh". After he couldn't get the right one undone he started in on the left one. Poor little guy, he just doesn't have the fine motor skills.... yet. Heh. We just about died.

Oh and we have two teeth!

Mr. Personality

2009-11-01T07:47:00.000-08:00

My son's emerging personality is a kick. Alex and I just crack up on a daily basis over things he does or faces he makes. He really is just such a funny, little boy.

Take the other night, Alex picked a stuffed ghost out of Sebastian's toy basket for Sebastian to play with. This is a plush ghost I was given years back. Starbucks sold it and it has the funniest google eyes that make me laugh every time I see it.

Apparently Sebastian agreed. The following is photo documentation of Sebastian meeting Boo the blue ghost.

This last one kills me. The look in his eyes, oh my Lord. I love his "spider eyes".

I just love this kid!

Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand, Six Hundred Minutes

2009-10-21T06:24:00.000-07:00

"Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Six Hundred Minutes
Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand Moments So Dear
Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Six Hundred Minutes
How Do You Measure - Measure A Year?"

A year ago today I received this gift and it has changed my life.

I love you more than anything, Sebastian Sylvanus and I am so happy and honored to be your mommy!

Sebastian at 11 Weeks and Moving Day

2009-09-18T19:57:00.000-07:00

Our last few days on the Monterey Peninsula were so very busy with all of our last minute errands and trying to fit in visits with special people. Being busy was good for me because it gave me less time to think about what was happening. Luckily new adventures also helped curb the sadness and anxiety.

One of those special people was Auntie Megan. We decided to take the babies (inside and out)to some of our favorite places to eat together. I wanted to have a last meal, as it were, at The Brit and some "Sex in a Dish" at The Crown. It was kind of weird hanging out at a pub midday Saturday. We were the only chicks in the place other than the waitress (Betty). Needless to say I didn't nurse in public on this occasion.

Sebastian had a good time staring at everything, most especially Megan's food. He would just stare and drool.

We got to visit with Betty, my favorite waitress ever and say goodbye.

After lunch at The Brit we went to The Crown for dessert and had to introduce Sebastian to the Xlerator. He was not impressed but we had to take a pic for old time's sake.

The next day my mom, Sebastian, and I braved the crowds at the Monterey Bay Aquarium to go to Otter Days. It was going to be Sebastian's first visit to the Aquarium. We didn't stay long because, really, how interested and entertained can a 2 month old be by tanks of fish? He liked the Outer Bay exhibits the best and actually watched the fish and jelly fish for a bit. He got to see the Aquarium's newest Great White Shark (number 7). I was amused by how many people thought the Galapagos sharks were the Great White and would say so to all around them. Never mind that they look totally different from each other.

Sebastian admiring the fish

Monterey Bay Aquarium's Great White

After a while we knew we had hit our limit. There were way too many people around. We stopped into the gift stores to find something for Sebastian to commemorate his visit. He got an otter book, a sea otter plushie, and a shark plushie. I was wavering on which shark to get and was holding this one near him. He reached out and grabbed it so we figured he chose it for himself. His daddy wasn't thrilled with yet another stuffed animal when I told him. Later Sebastian was holding the shark in his stroller and it looked like he was kissing it. In reality I think he was tasting it.

Afterwards Sebastian and I took my mom out for her first Grandparent's day lunch. Her card made her cry.

Eventually moving day arrived. My cousin Kristin came to the airport to say goodbye and as support for my mom afterwards. I had Sebastian dressed in a onesie one of my students made for him. It was a Gerber so although it was the right size month wise, it didn't fit. So he wore it as a tee shirt.

Boarding came all too soon and I was rushed ahead in the security line making our goodbyes quick. It might have been for the best because I was already crying enough. A nice TSA woman gave me a kleenex and another, a guy, helped me through security with all of my crap.

Dealing with my shoes, jacket, moby wrap, diaper bag, car seat, stroller, laptop and bag, not to mention my 2 month old son could have been a nightmare but it went pretty easy. Everybody was so nice and helpful at Air Canada, especially when they realized I was alone.

I was worried that Sebastian would freak out and cry during the flight. Obviously the other passengers were as well. The looks of fear as we walked down the plane aisle were hilarious. It was as if there were at least three dozen brains thinking, "Please don't sit next to me, please don't sit next to me. Oh thank God they passed me."

We got an aisle seat which we requested. They left the seat in the center empty (thank goodness because I ended up needing that space for breastfeeding)and there was a quiet businessman sitting in the window seat. The dude who was sitting across the aisle from me was noticeably bummed that he was going to be sitting across from a baby. "I always sit next to the youngest person on the plane, no fail." I must brag that this was the same guy who loudly declared, "He was the best baby EVAR!" at the end of the flight. That's right, Sebastian made it through the whole flight with nary a peep. Everyone around us was so impressed. I was just grateful.

All in all the flight section of our trip was great. I have nothing but good things to say about Air Canada. The counter folks and flight attendants were so very helpful.

Then we got to customs...yeah different story. On the plane we had to fill out a declaration form. I filled it out as someone who lived in Canada with my Canadian address. This obviously was confusing and not satisfactory to the customs agent who gave me the third degree while staring me and my passport down. He freaked my shite out and grilled me for about 10 minutes. Finally he said I could go through the gates.

And then I was stopped by two other agents/guards/whatever blocking my way. Original agent must have clued them in somehow and I was told I had to go to the immigration office.

Oh My God!

I could have dropped dead of a heart attack right then. I just wheeled Sebastian, in the stroller, down the hall to the office saying, "Mommy screwed up". I totally thought I was going to get deported. Luckily the next agent was super nice. He understood what was going on, approved my paperwork saying I could bring Sebastian in the country, and stamped a visa in my passport. He said he wouldn't stamp the little boy's because he was Canadian. He wished me good luck with my permanent residence paperwork and sent us on our way. One difficulty down, one to go.

Take it from me Toronto aiport sucks beans. I had never seen an airport that did not allow outside people into the baggage area. What the hell? Here I am, all alone with a baby, immigrating with three gigantor suitcases, two carry ons, a stroller, and a car seat. Uhhhh yeah. So I quickly got one of those roller carts (thanking myself for saving some Canadian currancy from our last visit) and after putting Sebastian into the Moby, loaded all of it onto the cart like a giant tower worthy of the Duggars. That Moby saved my life, for serious. I wouldn't have been able to make it without it. Off we went through the sliding doors to see Alex waiting for us and waiting for us to start our new life.

Oh Canada!

Sebastian at Ten Weeks

2009-09-11T23:19:00.000-07:00

Another busy week at Gramma's full of activities and goodbyes.

On Labor Day we were extremely lucky to have lunch with Mel, who came up from LA to visit her mom. Sebastian took to her which I expected him to do. Seeing Mel with him was awesome and I was amazed at what a natural she was with him.

Oh yeah, I got a haircut

We had a great lunch at Tillie's for old times sake. I shall miss the Jive Turkey for no matter how he tries, Alex can't get it just right when he makes them at home.

Sebastian had a female admirer at Tillie's in young miss Alexi who was sitting a table away. At three she kept commenting how he couldn't talk yet, but he could wear her dress if he wanted. Uh oh, chicks are already wanting to take off their dresses for him. LOL To be fair it was a very cute dress.

Wednesday my mom took us to lunch at Nepenthe in Big Sur. It was another one of my last things I needed to do before I left. I love their Ambrosia burgers so much so we went to get one. It was basically another photo op with Sebastian and luckily it was a beautiful day. Sad to think that we won't see this view for a year. I think it I took it all for granted for way too long.

*Warning poop mentioned*This week was the week of the blowout. When a baby goes a whole day without pooping you know there is going to be hell to pay somewhere down the road, and oh yes, did we get it, all up the back and out the legs. Then he decided to pee on my mom before pooping yet again, sans diaper. After I ran around and got all the supplies and new clothes together he decided to pee again, but only hit himself. You just had to laugh at the whole thing. Sebastian laughed, himself. I almost took a picture for posterity and to show Alex but refrained. Man, it was bad. And wouldn't you know, a few hours later in McDonald's it happened again. This time he got himself and me with the blowout. Luckily I caught it before standing up at the register.

Sebastian also has had blowouts of the milk variety a few times causing him to be bathed a lot. He didn't seem to mind that so much.

On Friday, Sebastian and I celebrated an early grandparent's day, taking my mom and grandma to lunch at my grandmother's favorite Mexican restaurant. It's so hard for my Grammy to get around now and I am glad she let us take her out. Sebastian and Grammy happened to match so I got some shots of them and a couple of me and Sebastian. He was all about the duckies that day.

We were about to leave when my mom realized her car wouldn't start. A call was made to AAA and we waited. Have I ever mentioned that Sebastian doesn't wait very well in the car? He hates his car seat anyway and a stopped car with the car seat is a deadly combo. Of course I was sitting nursing when the tow truck rolls up. Long story short, the car had to be towed and my mom and I need to walk ourselves back to her place (same town)with the baby in the stroller. Out of the car comes all of the baby stuff and I notice that, once again, we have a blow out.

Thankfully, we are just outside my grandmother's residence so I trudge upstairs to her room to change the messy little boy, passing through a room of elderly folks celebrating September birthdays. I felt like a heel rushing through as I heard countless squeals of, "Oooh a baaaby!" but I had a diaper disaster to avert. My grandmother explained to me that babies were the best thing for these folks to see. I continued to feel like a heel as I rushed back through the room to meet my mom outside. I did stop a second to make Sebastian wave to the sweet old ladies who again squealed in his presence. Honestly, it made me sad.

Eventually we got home to my mom's, all in one piece and poop free.

More random Sebastian cuteness of the week.

Sebastian at Two Months

2009-09-03T11:36:00.000-07:00

My sweet boy is two months already. I can't believe it. It's also hard to believe that our time here in my hometown is almost over and that Alex hasn't seen us for almost two weeks. It seems like Sebastian will be a whole new person by the time his daddy gets to see him again.

This past week has been busy, busy, busy.

Friday we went geocaching. We had all good intentions to try to get at least four caches found but with the heat wave that was hitting the Peninsula hard we only found two. I've realized that geocaching with an infant is hard. You can't get down and scrounge around well with a baby in a Moby. Even though my mom found the first one, she was a good Gramma and let Sebastian pick the swag "he" wanted out of the cache. I picked a cool pathtag that was a rainbow "found it" smilie for his baby book.

Sunday we got to hang with Auntie Megan and her growing inside baby. I just get giddy thinking about her pregnancy and can't wait for the wee (or maybe not so wee) baby to make his or her arrival. I just wish I could be here. Sebastian and I are going to be heartbroken having to leave Auntie. Luckily we get to see her again before we leave.

On Monday we went to the first day of school at JSS. I had told the kids I would so we hauled ourselves to school by 7:45. Sadly, I didn't get to see too many kids because we were surrounded by parents. I was happy to see them as well but it would have been nice to show Sebastian off to more of my former students.

I had a sort of sad realization as we were watching assembly. That it would be the first and last time Sebastian was there for the Pledge of Allegiance. In a couple weeks he'd be saluting (if Canadians do such a thing) a different flag. Now I'm not the most patriotic person anymore, thank you George Bush for squelching that, but it was a sad thought. I said it out-loud to one of the moms I'm friends with and I think I almost made her cry.

Afterwards we drove to Gilroy to hit the outlets. Carter's seemed to be the only store that had stuff I really liked so I stocked up on some things. I've bought so many new clothes for Sebastian this week I had to buy him his own suitcase. How lame considering I had a small one, in Canada.

Tuesday we had Sebastian's first play date with baby Kai and Sierra at my Bradley teacher, Sara's house. She and her husband are some other new folks in our lives we will be sad to leave behind. They are a military family, however and may be moving to DC so there is a chance we'd see them again.

Kai is 6 months old so he, of course, is scootching around and being very active. Sebastian was a typical 2 months lump on a log. We had a nice mommy lunch and then took the three kids on a walk in an area that I had never been to, in my whole 37 years living here. It was kind of sad really that it took me that long to check out that rec trail.

Sebastian and Mama along the rec trail

There isn't a big diffrence in height between the boys but a big difference in head size.

Sebastian and Sara

Check it, this is how you touch your toes

Wednesday we took Sebastian to get his two month portraits at JCPenney's. he was much more alert and happy than last time which was good. Our photographer even remarked as such. She was very good with him. Hopefully we'll find another good studio photographer in Ontario. Luckily we caught some smiles for some good pictures. Oh and mall = more clothes for Sebastian.

He cracked himself up

Thursday was Sebastian's actual "monthday" and we spent that running errands including his two month pediatrician visit with shots :( I was really looking forward to the measuring part of the appointment, not so much the vaccinations.

See, Mama is not happy

Sebastian was not happy being naked and waiting for the doctor. He made up for it by peeing all over the floor.

His two month stats are as follows:

Height: 24.5 inches, 95th percentile.

Weight: 15 lbs 2 oz, >95th percentile

Head circumference: 39.5 cm, 50th percentile

For vaccinations he had a Polio shot, a Hib shot, and a Rotavirus oral dose which he promptly spit out.

We also continued dealing with the old apartment this week. Who knew you could generate so much crap in 7 years? It has been awful trying to get painting and cleaning done with a little boy who would rather be with his mama 24/7. I'm not thrilled that Alex left me with so much garbage to deal with but I keep reminding myself that I'm sure what he is dealing with on the other end isn't fun either.

Sebastian at Eight Weeks

2009-08-27T15:50:00.000-07:00

You may have noticed we missed a week, Sebastian at seven weeks, and to be honest there wasn't anything to write about. We packed and when we were done with that packing, we packed some more. Sadly the packing extended into Sebastian's next week which I'm sure wasn't fun for him and certainly wasn't for us. In fact I'm fairly certain it was hellish all around. My mom helped us yet again but it still was very difficult for me to get anything done.

I wore my Moby every now and again when Sebastian would freak out and refuse to sleep. This night he would go to sleep only to wake up as soon as we put him down. We both are as frazzled as we look in this pic.

He has taken to facing outward in the Moby. I know he is a bit young for it but has great head control to do so (ok, obviously not while sleeping) we face him outward every now and again. He loves being able to see everything.

Eventually moving day (Monday) came and we pulled an all-nighter getting everything in the truck. I purged a lot of stuff because it just wouldn't fit and much of it I didn't need anyway. How did I accumulate so much crap?

The apartment was so cold and empty and the only stick of furniture available to sit on was an old chair we were going to be dumping. My mom ended up having to sit with Sebastian in this lone chair while he slept.

And then, at 6 am, it was time to say goodbye to Alex and head off to my mom's house. This was sad all around. I hate having to be separated from him and hate that Sebastian has to be too. Sebastian gave his daddy tons of smiles as he put us in the car which made us all cry.

It's been tough going at Gramma's but getting easier. Sebastian has had some moments where he cries and cries, so much so he stops breathing. One day, as I was trying to repaint the apartment, he wouldn't even let my mom hold him. He would freak out if I wasn't holding him. I think he thought I was going to disappear like daddy. I understand his sadness. He's away from the only home he knows and away from all of his stuff and his daddy. We have a couple more weeks so hopefully things will get better.

Other Sebastian cuteness

Oooh let's wag our fingers at all the no no's in this picture. Baby sleeping in an adult bed, check. With blankets and pillows, check. On his tummy, check. Super happy, comfy, napping baby, double check.

Happiness is discovering you and your baby have matching socks.

I love you too, Sebastian!

Moving is no fun.

What is Lost, is Now Found

2009-08-19T07:07:00.000-07:00

Sometimes life has a way of pulling people apart and throwing them under the bus and sometimes it can bring people together in the craziest of ways.

There have been a couple people in my life who have been repeatedly lost and found. Both of them very special to me and life impacting. The loss of both of them caused me many hours of repeated Googling and yes, even some tears as I failed to find them.

One of those people, my high school best friend, I reconnected with again through Facebook the holy grail of connectedness. She actually found me as I guess we had both been looking for each other.

The second of these people was found two nights ago, something I never thought would happen. My dear friend Catherine called me from Boise to tell me that she had found our friend Tim. Tim had been lost years ago and she and I had been Googling him ever since, every few months to see if we could find him.

Tim was one of those people who seemed imposing at first. Intense and lanky and standing at 6'5, he might kind of freak people out if they didn't know him. If you had the honor of getting to know him you quickly found out what an awesome guy he was. He would do anything for his friends and was there for me at times when no one else would.

I lost Tim the first time to meth. A few of my friends, theatre and otherwise, started using recreationally and some of them disappeared into the fog of it, one even died because of it and other addictions. Tim was one of those people who dissappeared. It didn't help that all of us in our group were going our separate (though not permanent) ways.

My ex-husband and I ran into Tim one night at a club. I hadn't seen Tim for quite some time at this point. He was on the edge of despair that night. He had been sober but was about to start using again. Since we were involved in the rave scene at that time we invited him to go to a party with us the next weekend and he said yes. At the time he said the "scene" changed his life and maybe it did in a way. It brought him back into my life for sure.

Later, his life was to change again when his mom died. She had emphyzema and died in his care. That really threw him and he sold the house, took out all of his money (helping lots of people on the way because that's how he is)and hit the road. I figure he was wanting to find himself.

He would send me letters and call every now and again, telling me where he was and what adventure he was having. The letters started worrying me though as it became apparent he was running out of money and finding himself in less than ideal situations. Eventually, the calls and letters stopped. Last I knew Tim was in New Orleans around Katrina. I had received a letter and a pretty necklace about a year before or so and then he was gone. After Katrina I searched and searched for him hoping he was on some survivors list or any kind of list at all.

So Cath calls me and tells me that she had Googled Tim and that she found this website PimpThisBum.com and that our friend Tim is the subject of it. She also said he was all over the news. After our conversation I look and see that she is correct. Tim is all over the AP, CNN even, and yes, the subject of a website called Pimp this Bum.

Can Web site offer homeless man hope?
By MONICA RHOR, Associated Press Writer

Saturday, March 7, 2009

(03-07) 16:49 PST HOUSTON (AP) --

Until a few weeks ago, Tim Edwards was just another one of the men begging for change at a busy Houston underpass, ignored by most drivers who sped on past without a glance.

Now, thanks to an Internet marketing campaign and unlikely allies, Edwards has become the human face of homelessness to thousands of online viewers drawn to his Web site by its deliberately controversial name — Pimp This Bum.

During regular Webcasts, dozens of visitors to www.pimpthisbum.com/ ask questions about Edwards' life and his slow fall from office manager with a home, a car, and a future to an outcast short of hope and with little prospect of help.

The Web site also is a venue where visitors can donate money, services and goods to help Edwards yank himself out of homelessness.

Some homeless advocates say it makes Edwards a victim of exploitation, but the organizers say that edgy tone is what makes the project succeed.

"We wanted to insult people's sensitivities so that they would go to the site and see Tim, and people seem to have fallen in love with him. He's funny and doesn't blame the world for his situation," said Kevin Dolan, 55, a marketing specialist from the Houston suburb of Katy who started the Web site with his 24-year-old son, Sean.

If the site had been called "Help the Homeless," many Web surfers might just have clicked on past, says Sean.

The Dolans had initially set out to test an advertising campaign and generate publicity for their new Internet marketing business. They planned to promote a mom-and-pop business, until Sean suggested using the Web site to do some good.

Now visitors to the Web site are getting to know Edwards beyond the stereotype of an anonymous group labeled "The Homeless."

"I'm the world's first online bum," jokes Edwards, a lanky, bearded 37-year-old who talks about life on the streets with a mix of dark humor and unvarnished honesty. "The whole idea of this project is to get people off the street. I'm the pioneer, but I've got friends behind me. If I don't get this right, it ain't gonna work for them."

The Web site features videos of Edwards and a photograph showing him with a hand-drawn, cardboard sign.

There's a "Donate" button where viewers can charge donations to their credit card. And some people have dropped by Edwards' regular panhandling spot to drop off food and fast-food gift cards — or just to shout hello.

This coming week, Edwards is scheduled to enter an alcohol detox program at the Seattle-based Sunray Treatment and Recovery, which is providing the $13,800, 35-day program free of charge. There are plans to air Webcasts as Edwards goes through the program.

Some homeless advocates say the Web site does little to address the underlying issues of homelessness. Even the name makes Anthony Love bristle.

"He is a person. His name is Tim. And to pimp anyone is not something I would endorse," said Love, president of the Coalition for the Homeless of Houston/Harris County.

The Web site also stirred up an Internet debate over the merits of the Dolans' approach. One blogger named KatDish commented: "Your impassioned pleas for helping Tim get off the street don't hold much weight when you ask him to hold up a sign that says "Pimp this Bum" and let people know he needs a Sharpie and a cheeseburger."

But Edwards says he roared with laughter when Sean Dolan nervously approached him with the idea of the Web site and the proposed name. It was a night in early February when he and several other homeless men were gathered beneath an underpass, "getting drunk like we always do."

At first, he wasn't sure if the Dolans were a threat or just do-gooders bringing food. Now he considers them an answer to a prayer.

"I asked God to make it rain and here come these guys. And I thought this is just crazy enough to work," he said.

Edwards had been mired in homelessness since Aug. 19, 2004 (he remembers the exact date), unable to shake severe alcoholism.

He has become skilled in the art of survival on the street: Keep to your own territory. Beg enough for the bare necessities — food, cigarettes, drink — then get off the corner. Learn who to trust and who to stay away from.

He has seen close friends die from years of addiction, from infections and from simple, intractable hopelessness. And he had come to the edge many times himself, once yearning to lay down and die.

Edwards says he has tried programs aimed at getting the homeless off the streets, but none have worked for him.

"Those programs work for some people, but for some, they don't. We're not 'The Homeless.' Not some monolithic group of people," said Edwards, as he nursed a cigarette and a beer swathed in a brown paper bag. "But this has brought me and my friends a lot of hope. I can't express in words how much hope it's brought us."

Edwards, who says his descent into homelessness began when he "turned his back on God" after the deaths of his mother and grandmother, says he is finally ready to begin detox and find the road back to normalcy. Not just for himself, but for others living on the street.

On Monday, in preparation for his trip to Seattle and his entry into rehab at Sunray, Edwards plans to shave his beard and trim his hair — a symbolic nod to the start of a new life.

It will be broadcast live on the Web site.

and

PimpThisBum.com employs irony on homeless man's behalf

By Tracy Sabo
CNN Senior Producer

HOUSTON, Texas (CNN) -- When Sean Dolan saw signs being carried by homeless people, he saw an opportunity.

Timothy Edwards was homeless for years in Houston, Texas, until he started carrying "Pimp This Bum" signs.

1 of 2 He and his father wanted to drive people to a Web site, so they created PimpThisBum.com as a marketing tool and gave a homeless man a sign with the Web site's address to hold while panhandling in Houston.

Their idea worked.

Visitors seeing the sign flocked to the site and in less than two months Dolan received $50,000 in donations and pledges through the site for the man, including a five-week alcohol treatment program donated by Sunray Treatment and Recovery based near Seattle, Washington. Watch how 'Pimp this bum' saved man »

"We knew that the same campaign with a sincere appeal and a Web site like helpthehomeless.com would be ignored," he said. "We knew that if we insulted people's sensitivity or appealed to their humor on a subject as sensitive as this we would get their attention."

Kevin Dolan, with more than two decades of marketing and sales experience and his son, Sean, a Web-savvy college student with a small video camera and a passion for volunteer work, got the site off the ground with the help of Timothy Dale Edwards. He has been homeless and living under a busy Houston overpass for more than four years.

The Dolans' offer to Timothy Edwards would be a hard one for any homeless person to refuse: $100 cash per day guaranteed, perhaps even more if the campaign was successful. All Edwards had to do was carry a homemade sign advertising "www.PimpThisBum.com" while he panhandled each day.

For Edwards and his friends it was effortless -- they already carried signs reading, "Homeless, Please help" or "Hungry, Need a days work." Watch Edwards describe "I went through detox" »

And the Dolans promised monetary donations that came into the Web site would go straight to Edwards.
Those who visit can help Edwards directly by donating specific items to him: a cup of coffee, a ham sandwich, a razor, a newspaper subscription or even laser hair removal, karate lessons or a college education.

Edwards welcomes the task and insists he is not being exploited. For him, the donations are a welcome change in his life.

For years drugs and alcohol were his coping mechanisms, he says. He was told his father left the family when he was only 2 years old, and he says he's always felt no one ever cared about him.

But all that changed with the Dolans' offer.

"This is just crazy enough to work," Edwards said. "I'm drinking myself to death under a bridge. I'm watching my friends die left and right, so what have I got to lose?"

Edwards said he has spent years learning whom to trust and how to survive on the street. He's learned where it's safe to sleep and how to panhandle when intersections "are hittin'." Edwards sometimes rides the city bus just to stay warm and gathers a group of homeless friends together to rent a motel room just to be able to take a shower. He says homeless life is "boring, and ... mentally unstimulating," and he looks for ways to keep his brain "active."

"I try to read the paper. One lady came by and asked me if we needed something, so I said, 'Well, do you have a puzzle book?' Because we do crossword puzzles and Sudoku." Edwards said.

Looking back on how he got to this point is difficult.

"It's a pretty drawn-out story. I'd have to say it's probably mostly my fault. ... I made a lot of poor choices," Edwards said, his voice trailing. "I was filthy. I just didn't feel human anymore."

With this new project, Edwards' said, his life has new meaning. The name of the Web site means little to him.

The Dolans have received national attention for their first collaboration, but they also know the site's name is controversial. Edwards said he "cracked up" when Sean Dolan proposed the name for the Web site.

Not everyone thinks it's funny. Homeless advocates and other critics argue the Dolans' project serves little more purpose than exploitation.

Advocate Michael Faenva, who runs a shelter in Dallas, said, "In the end, this isn't a good strategy to address the problem of homelessness. ... It's not a strategy that's likely to bring help to very many."

Life has changed for Edwards since he began holding that sign.

His first step was to shave his beard, mustache and head. The act "was a symbolic act of change, and embracing the change and moving on to a new stage in my life," Edwards said.

His last drink was on March 10, before flying to Seattle accompanied by Sean Dolan to begin the comprehensive alcohol treatment program. He has completed the one-week "detox" program, and is now participating in five additional weeks of individual and group therapy classes.

"To everybody that thinks I am being exploited, I ask you to think again," Edwards said.

Sean Dolan is adamant: "Tim is now a friend." He describes the relationship as "one of the most meaningful friendships I've ever had."

Asked what does he say to the critics? "I tell them to donate ... and get on the Web ... just watch the outflow of support for Tim."

Edwards spends his rehab "free time" each night participating in the Web site's chat room, which is full of supportive messages like, "We love u Tim!," "Hang in there," and "Stay strong, people really do care."

Edwards has started a live nightly Webcast where he answers questions and thanks viewers for their interest and support.

"Rehab is a wonderful thing when you want it," Edwards told CNN during a Webcast. But it's also a lot of work. "The hard part is the mental and psychological stuff, rediscovering myself, so to speak, getting in touch with my heart and my head, and trying to figure out how to deal with life."

Edwards also is getting a crash course on the Internet and hopes it will help him in applying for jobs.

Edwards' newfound Internet outlet also gave him another surprise twist. One of the site's viewers happened to be a family member Edwards never knew. After being put in touch through the Web site's creators, Edwards learned that his father had not left the family as he thought, but instead had been searching for him for almost 35 years.

Edwards said he is learning more about that side of the family, and family members near Kansas City, Missouri, have become involved in looking for new opportunities and living assistance for him when he leaves Seattle.

Kevin Dolan said the project has not only opened new doors for Edwards but also for others like him. The Dolans recently started financial paperwork to create a nonprofit organization, and they hope to duplicate the "PimpThisBum.com" model in other cities. Two future "participants" have already been identified in Houston; one of them is a good friend of Edwards' named John.

On March 28, Edwards will spend his 38th birthday in rehab. He calls the Dolans' project "a blessing." He hopes to complete his treatment successfully, secure a job and find a home.

"I'm tired of laying down," he said. "I'm tired of giving up. ... This life is worth fighting for."

Needless to say, I was shocked. I hadn't searched for Tim since the beginning of the year (something about being immersed in pregnancy) and there he was, unearthed.

Seeing pictures and video of your friend like that is heartbreaking. Cath said she could barely watch it, it was so upsetting. For her it was even difficult to see the Tim we knew under all the grime and hair until you heard his voice, but for me I knew it was him right away. She was right about his voice though. Who he is shone through the rough exterior even in this most terrible of situations.

Tim is now 5 months sober, something I'm so very proud of and today marks his anniversary of homelessness. How he got there in the first place I'm not quite sure and I haven't asked yet. Somehow his wanderlust and adventure turned a wrong corner into despair and addiction. But, hopefully, he will continue to do well. I hope this anniversary isn't one to remind him of what was but help show him how far he has come. Cath and I will be celebrating with him virtually through his webcast tonight and hopefully supporting him as he had supported us in the past.

I love you Tim and I am so proud of you and all you have accomplished. You, my friend, are one of those people who are gold to those who love you.

Sebastian at Six Weeks and the Day We Went to Pixar

2009-08-14T18:05:00.000-07:00

First things first, moving is so not cool with an infant, especially one that needs to be held all time. My mom has been a doll coming over to help but I have to stop and breastfeed Sebastian every hour and a half or so it's difficult. They've been able to spend some good time together though and for that I'm grateful.

They went for a walk using the Moby.

They read stories.

They shared lots of smiles. Sebastian seems to think Gramma is the silliest and smiles for her the most.

My mom is going to have an emotional breakdown when we leave for sure.

Unfortunately, packing is going uber slow and I'm freaked out that I only have 9 days to finish. I have so much crap, I don't know how it'll get done, nor do I know how it'll all fit in the U-haul.

Also, in other moving news, Alex is doing well on the job front. He has three interviews and four separate companies are highly interested in him and loved his resume. We also have a townhouse rental unless we find something we like better. Contracts will remain unsigned until Alex gets there.

The best part of our week happened on Tuesday when our family went to Pixar Studios. It all happened because we are huge ass nerds who loved Wall-E so much we got I heart Wall-E vanity plates.

Some dude followed Alex home one afternoon because he saw these plates. Turns out he works for Pixar and wanted to ask if he could take a picture of said plates and send it to his boss. His boss turned out to be Andrew Stanton who directed Wall-E, Finding Nemo, and A Bugs Life. He also wrote most of Pixar's films. Stanton went nuts for the license plate and, long story short, we were invited to Pixar.

The entry gates

Luxo, Jr. and the ball at the front of the main building. These are huge.

Now, I didn't take many pictures, sadly. Most areas I was not allowed to and the rest of the time I was breastfeeding Sebastian. Oh yes, even in Pixar.

For more pics than mine and of places I mention in this post check out:

Rotten Tomatoes Tours Pixar

Anyway we check in and are able to first tour the main lobby which is like an atrium. It's huge and light and airy. It was built by Steve Jobs who apparently was anal enough to have one brick wall demolished two times before it was good enough. He also had each bolt hand riveted rather than machine riveted. That's pretty nifty.

They have a cafe, a cereal bar where everything is free, a shop, and a mail room. There were various Pixar figures, lifesize and larger, around the lobby. Some employees were getting around on skateboards and these crazy mini skateboard things that were only big enough for one foot each and each with only two wheels.

We weren't able to go into the theater or screening rooms because all were occupied. As we were standing there the director of Toy Story 3 came out of one with all of his animators. That was pretty cool.

Like I said, much of the areas were closed off to us, like the head honcho's offices. We were told they used to use these garden sheds (like they sell at Orchard Supply)to store supplies but now they use them as office cubicles. At the link I posted you can see a picture of one of them.

Next we saw where some of the sound was recorded, though most is done at Lucas's Skywalker Ranch. On the wall were the signatures of people who had recorded there. Often employees get picked to be voice extras which is pretty neat. My favorite was the huge scrawl of the little boy who voiced Nemo.

Then we were able to go upstairs and check out the gallery. They always have concept art up for the current film which was UP. I felt bad saying I hadn't seen it yet but, shoot, I was busy having a baby. The concept art was crazy amazing. There were models and sculptures, and plenty of paintings and sketches. I loved the concept drawings of the scouts badges. Who wouldn't want to earn a badge for "sushi eating" and "money grubbing"? Hidden in different places were stickers of the badges that child visitors could find. They must have done the same for Ratatouille because sketches of rats were here and there in random places.

After seeing the gym, the pool, and the beach volleyball court, we headed down another hall to the "Renderfarm". This huge room was filled to the brim with lit up computer banks. I thought Alex was going to pee himself. Right at the front of the room was an original Pixar computer. Turns out they had to buy that one back on Ebay for a hell of a lot more than it was in the first place. Funny.

Throughout the building and in the offices we saw, there were tons of funny signs, jokes (a foot coming out from under one of the Renderfarm racks for example), and toys and more toys. I could not believe how many trinkets and toys there were. Some people even had couches and chandeliers in their offices. It really made for a fun and creative atmosphere.

Before we left we were given a bag of swag that Andrew Stanton left for us (He was filming in Utah). Kick ass. He gave us some Wall-E toys, notebooks, jackets, an art book printed especially for Academy members that was to persuade them to vote for Wall-E in the Academy Awards, and The Art of Wall-E book that he autographed.

Notice what he drew in Wall-E's hands

It was a pretty awesome day. I was glad Sebastian got to be a part of it even if he never will remember it. We have his Pixar visitor name tag to put into his baby book along with this picture he and I took next to Sully, who was very soft and furry.

In other Sebastian news, he's been smiling a lot more and each smile melts our hearts, making us gush and goo. We also have an approximate weight for him. I say approximate because since his next pedi appointment isn't until September 3, I had to try to get a weight at my 6 week postpartum appointment. I had them take my weight first (8lbs to go) and then take it again with me holding him. He weighs approximately 13 pounds! This figures seeing how he has grown out of his infant cloth diapers and out of his size one overnight disposables. He is fully in 0-3 clothes and who knows if some of those will last much longer.

Another highlight of our week was a fabulous Greek dinner with great friends. It was a goodbye of sorts, certainly the last time we'll be together until next August when Alicia and Ken get married. That thought made me cry. Sebastian was unhappy too bu mainly because he had been in the car most of the day driving back and forth to Santa Cruz for my appointment, driving back and forth from San Jose to go wedding dress shopping with Alicia before she heads back to Kiev, and then to the restaurant. He was a little trooper though.

Additional Sebastian cuteness of the week.

Couch nap with mama

Big smiles

Hanging out with Eve at David's Bridal right before he had a colossal blow out on Eve and the David's Bridal couch

Sebastian at Five Weeks

2009-08-07T20:13:00.001-07:00

Where has this week gone? To be honest when I think back on what we've done I can't think of much.

Saturday was our usual shopping day.

Sunday was the baptism.

Monday we had his one month pictures taken.

Tuesday ?

Wednesday we went up to the Santa Cruz courthouse to get Sebastian's birth certificate from the county recorder. We were taking a chance on that since they wouldn't tell me if it was ready over the phone. Luckily it was there just not scanned. After I mentioned that we were in a time crunch due to moving they scanned it and made our copies. That was super nice of them.

Thursday ?

Friday, today, we took care of getting Sebastian's passport. Getting passport pics of an infant sucks! Thankfully the photographer chick was patient. She did visibly wilt when I asked for baby passport pics though, poor thing. It was also awkward filling out the paperwork. Hair...uhhh I think it's mostly blondish. Eyes...well they are grey at the moment. Anyway, that is done and now we wait. When he and I move is really dependant on the passport's arrival.

So that leaves us with two major bits of paperwork down (birth certificate and passport) and one to go (Canadian Born Abroad certificate). The later cannot be applied for until we get his passport so we may have to wait until we get to Canada.

My permanent residence card paperwork will also have to wait especially since it'll cost over a grand to get. So much paperwork! Ahhhhh!

One thing that has been cracking me up lately is Sebastian's love affair with my boobs. Now, obviously all breastfed babies love their mom's boobs but mine literally seem like his best friends. He'll pop off and rub his face all over them with this funny smile on his face. Then he'll use my boob as a pillow, sticking the nipple in his eye and happily drift off to sleep. I'm sorry it's not something I can show you. Alex and I just watch him and laugh.

He also likes to kick, specifically with his right foot. I've come to realize that this is what he would do when he was an inside baby. Every night I would get pummeled as his foot scraped along the inside of my ute, so hard I'd feel bruised. Well he does the same thing now as an outside baby. If it's 10-12pm he's fussy and kicking.

Silly little boy.

Baptism and Reaching a Month Old

2009-08-03T20:15:00.000-07:00

Sunday was Sebastian's baptism day. Sadly the night before was a terrible one. He was up until 2am crying. We tried everything and I ended up swaddling him to get him to calm down. Actually, following The Happiest Baby on the Block's 5 S's worked. Needless to say we were sleepy on Sunday.

The baptism went great and was very special. Sebastian pretty much slept through the whole thing though he did nurse once during the service. He didn't even seem to mind the water being poured on his head. A little girl also being baptised screamed through the whole thing. Her parents looked mortified.

My fantastic, picture crazy cousin Kristin took pictures for us and was quite the paparazzi.

Nursing power! Proof I will feed my son anywhere

Me with my mom (Sebastian's Godmother)and Deacon Nick who performed the baptism.

Afterward we had cake and coffee at my grandmother's home. It was a nice time to spend with family.

My cousin Kristin's kids, Hunter and Taylor with Sebastian

My small family minus one cousin and her two kids

Partying is hard work

It was a great day and I was excited to bring my son into the Church. I am really grateful that Alex okayed it even though he is a stalwart atheist. He knew how important it was to me and was supportive of it from afar. My mom was also thrilled to pieces to be godmother and I couldn't have picked a better one. We were the lone Catholics in my family and sometimes it was hard being the only ones. My mom was the biggest supporter of my faith journey and I'm happy she can do that for my son.

Today was Sebastian's first month birthday and I wanted to commemorate it with pics. I've decided to get pics taken each month and will have month one and two taken at JCPenneys. There are no JCP in Canada so I'll have to find a different photo studio once we are there.

The pictures turned out pretty good for studio portraits. Our photographer has been working at that JCP for 25 years so she obviously has some skill. They do go crazy on the up sell but I'm not into all the fancy stuff so I got out of there spending less than $100. Poor Sebastian, he had a hard time though. He woke up early and was hungry which equals cranky. With those shoots you have only ten minutes so I couldn't stop to feed him. We made it through though.

Sebastian at Four Weeks

2009-07-31T17:33:00.000-07:00

Another week has passed. Oh how the time has flown.

We had a social week. My wonderful friend Alicia is in town for a few weeks. She has been teaching in Kiev, oh so far away. The last time I saw her was last Christmas. That trip I was pregnant. This trip Sebastian is an outside baby and she is engaged. We spent a couple days shopping and hanging out. Wednesday we went up to San Jose to David's Bridal so Alicia could try on dresses. Poor Sebastian started to cry in the car and it was so heartbreaking because we were on Highway 17 where you cannot pull over. I had to try and soothe him with a pacifier (no go) rather than a boob. Oh man those baby tears streaming down made me so sad.

He did great in David's and hung out in the Moby most of the time. Alicia's consultant even took a picture of him with my camera because she thought he was so cute. He was sleeping as usual.

On another note, Alicia tried on a fantastic dress. Hopefully she decides to get it because she looked absolutely gorgeous. I'd post a pic but you never know who might be reading this ;)

This week has also been a bit frustrating for all of us. Poor little guy is going through a growth spurt and has been pretty fussy. Yesterday, Sebastian was on the boob all day and crying like crazy if he wasn't. He'd root around so I'd feed him. He'd pull off and nap for five minutes and then scream because he was hungry and it would start all over again. My poor boobs could hardly take it. Growth spurt = unhappy boobs.

Alex and I tried all sorts of things, shower, gripe water, bouncing, rocking... Finally to give my boobs a break we tried Sebastian's first bottle of expressed milk. At first he didn't take it but later, when Alex tried again, he did.

I sat like an ass crying. I want him to be able to take bottles from Alex, plus it would help me when he wants to nurse 24/7, however, I didn't expect to feel so sad about it. There he was, sucking away making his sweet little cooing sounds he makes when he breastfeeds and it killed me.

Alex was crying because I was. We were a mess.

Tonight, when we were changing Sebastian after a vomitapalooza, I put one of his Lamaze rattles on his arm for the first time. Oh my goodness he loved it. He just stared and stared at it and then started shaking his arm a bit.

He also showed love to his ducky this week which we captured in some super cute pics.

Nom, Nom, Nom

We have a busy weekend coming up with grocery day on Saturday and Sebastian's baptism on Sunday. I hope his growth spurt calms and he is a calm boy for church.

Here is some other random Sebastian cuteness.

After a shower with Daddy

Fluffy butt cuteness

Snuggling with Momma

Sebastian at Three Weeks

2009-07-24T17:46:00.000-07:00

Oh my goodness, my sweetheart is three weeks old today. Time is flying by and I don't like it.

This week was a week of changes for Sebastian. It was as if he woke up out of his newborn fog and has been much more active and awake.

Playing with daddy

This would also include more crankiness as well. I think the poor little guy just has gas issues. In fact he has graced us with poop, pee, and vomit showers. Ahhh parenthood. Luckily, he loves taking showers with daddy which is where he ends up after the bad episodes. A clean baby is a snuggy baby. He continues being my snuggle bug which I adore.

At the beginning of the week my mom came over and we walked about a mile. Sebastian came along in the Moby and we stopped at a park along the way. We even spent a few minutes on the swings. Sebastian didn't seem to be too excited and slept the whole time.

He looks so small in this picture but in reality he is not. We measured him last night and he was 23 inches! Two inches up from birth. Who knows how much he weighs but he is growing out of some of his clothes including his cloth prefolds. Yikes!

He is amazing with holding his head up. We had his first tummy time (bad mommy not taking any pics) and he kept working his neck. Of course he's been great with that since birth.

We also had a nice visit from my great friend Jennifer and her daughter Scarlett. They brought Sebastian a duck lovey and he took it out to visit Grandma today. It made a good pillow.

Sebastian at Two Weeks

2009-07-17T21:40:00.000-07:00

Little boy is already two weeks! This last week went fast since we had a few appointments at the beginning of the week and have just been busy.

Saturday my mom and I went to our baptism class which is required for Sebastian to get baptised next month. People couldn't believe he was only 8 days old. One mom thought he was a month. Umm no, he's just a big boy. He did great during the two hour class and slept most of the time after eating briefly. I had to change him before we left and he ended up peeing all over the table. I thought for sure Alex would love that.

Sunday Alex and I ran some errands with Sebastian and he had his first restaurant experience. He slept through most of it though I did have to change him on his changing pad on the bathroom floor (no counters or chairs). He screamed bloody murder and I'm sure patrons thought I was torturing my baby. Poor little guy.

It must have been baby day at the restaurant because there were two other babies there. One couple sat next to us with their daughter in her carrier/stroller the whole time. She looked super small so I asked the mom how old she was. She was two months. Holy Moly! Sebastian was double her size.

Monday we visited a lactation consultant so I could get some help with Sebastian's latch. He doesn't open his mouth very wide so he kills me. The LC does this cool thing where she weighs the babies before they eat and then afterwards to get an idea of how much they eat. Sebastian ate 3oz out of one boob in about 30 min. Craziness. Like I've said, he loves boobs.

Next we went to Sebastian's first pediatrician appointment. Everything looked great though we do need to keep an eye on one of his testicles since it hadn't descended yet. He weighed 9 lbs 6 oz which is awesome for him being 10 days old at the time. Our pedi is really awesome. I wish we could take him to Canada with us.

Afterwards we visited my Grammy so she could see Sebastian for the first time. She was so excited to see and hold him. It really was the sweetest thing. I'm sad that she won't be able to see him very much so these visits we are able to have are all the more special.

Thursday we had my maternity shoot photographer come to the apartment to take newborn pictures of Sebastian. I can't wait to see the proofs. I think she got some awesome shots. As she said, he was a rock star and let her pose him in all sorts of poses.

I do have a little rock star and man, do I love him.

Sebastian at One Week

2009-07-10T21:32:00.000-07:00

To My Beloved Son on his One Week Birthday,

Sebastian, I cannot believe it's been a week since you entered our lives and I first got to hold you in my arms. It was that moment, at 12:42, where I felt this overwhelming, instant love for you. I didn't expect it to be like that, but there you were so perfect and beautiful, and you were mine.

The first week has gone so very fast, a sign of how things will be, I know. Time is fleeting especially when you are with those you love. The first day we were home together you and I were resting in bed together. You were nestled in the crook of my arm, breathing your sweet breath on me and all I could do was stroke your gorgeous head and cry. If only you could be tiny forever so I could carry you with me where ever I went for the rest of my life. Pretty silly idea, huh?

Not too silly I guess when the physical you is even more magical than the idea of you I carried with me for 40 weeks and 2 days.

One of my good friends says the love I have for you will get stronger and stronger. How can that be knowing how I feel now when I hold your tiny hand, kiss your velvety head, or stroke your soft cheek. Surely I'll burst.

So, my beautiful boy, what will the next 40 weeks bring, the next 40 years? There is so much I wish and hope for you. I wish you have a life of love, laughter, and happiness, a life of peace and understanding of those around you. I wish you adventure and fulfillment. Because I know pain is inevitable, I wish you only sadness you can withstand and that which makes you stronger. I hope for you to know that I love you more than life itself and always will.

Happy Birthday Lovey B.

Love, Mama

I have been trying to keep working on Sebastian's baby book but it can be very hard to find time when I'm feeding him and holding him so much. There is a section where Alex and I write letters to Sebastian. I guess we were supposed to write them before his arrival but I lag and so I wrote it last night around 30 min before his 1 week birthday. I think I may just start a tradition and write him one every year for him to read when he's older. Yeah, I'm a sap.

We had a lazy week of just getting to know each other, not that I felt like going out and about and being real active. My stitches are just now feeling tolerable. The beginning of the week was just torture on my crotch and it was so hard to be able to get out of bed and move around to do things.

Today I had a bleeding scare and we were requested to rush into the MWs. After an ultrasound and exam (ouch!!) it was decided that I probably just had some big clots starting to come out. Reassuring, yet still scary.

Breastfeeding has been going well. Sebastian is a big boob man and would stay happily latched on 24/7 if he could. We have been co-sleeping in bed together from the beginning in order to save our sanity and so I can feed him on demand. Sleeping next to my sleeping, cuddly baby is just the best thing. He sleeps on his side towards me with his hands tucked under his head. This is how he laid inside of me and we even have an U/S with his hands like this. It just melts my heart.

He had his first at home bath on Wednesday. We video taped it and the poor little dear cried the whole time. He hated it. His cord fell off during filming which was pretty cool to get on tape. 5 days it fell off, amazing.

I cannot believe my precious little boy is already a week. Time is already flying and it so needs to slow down.

A rare moment in the hospital bassinet

Sleepy Baby

How he sleeps

Gorgeousness

The pirate side eye is already perfected

Sebastian's Birth Story

2009-07-07T15:15:00.000-07:00

aka When Natural Birth Goes Awry

I had been having timable contractions in the evenings for a couple days leading up to Sebastian's birth. They would always start at night and would last for a couple of hours before dying out. After I wrote my blog update on the night of the first, they started up again. I timed them, Alex and I getting increasingly excited that this might just be "it".

Around 4:00 am these contractions began to fizzle out as well and in a fit of frustration I went to bed. Alex came in the room and I just lost it. I cried out of my continued frustration and with that, at 4:45 I felt a big gush. This just made me cry more, "I just peed my pants!" Alex quickly corrected me after looking that no, my water had just broke.

And did it. At that point the contractions started getting a bit stronger, though still not painful, and with each contraction there came another gush of water. We must have gone through 5 bath towels.

We had instructions to wait to call the hospital at 7am if my water broke after 10pm and my contractions weren't within 5 min of each other. Since they weren't we just laid around waiting for 7.

At 7am Alex called and we were instructed to come in. I quickly showered, called my mom, and off we went to the hospital.

My regular midwives weren't going to be with me. Meredith was on vacation and Leora had been on call the previous evening so she was only going to be checking in on me once. Luckily the other midwives were just as awesome. I was checked and it was determined that I should be admitted because my water had broke, otherwise I probably wouldn't have been able to stay. They did like that I had measured 3cm at my appointment the day before.

At this point my contractions were still mild, feeling like a bad period cramp which was the norm for me pre pregnancy. I was able to move around, joke with my husband and mom, and even eat a little. I was checked internally and found to be 5cm. I also had a forebag of water that hadn't broke yet but we decided to wait it out.

Around 3pm or so I started feeling a new and bad sensation. I started feeling a lot of rectal pressure that also radiated into my back. This was the start of back labor and little did I know how hard that would be.

One thing I had requested in our birth plan was to not be monitored with the EFM, however the hospital had a different idea. I felt totally trapped by the EFM which was strapped on to me every hour. It was something that was making me very irritable.

I tried the tub at least three times but I didn't notice any difference in pain relief once the back labor really kicked in. This was disappointing considering we were really looking forward to utilizing the big, gorgeous tub.

Around 5pm I was checked again. I was still only 5-6cm dilated which was upsetting to me since I thought all the now uncomfortable contractions would have done something. At this point I consented to having the forebag of water ruptured in order to help labor along. It helped alright, it helped the contractions strengthen and I immediately threw up. Contractions became terribly painful at this point and sadly none of our back labor tricks seemed to help.

At 6pm I was feeling massive rectal pressure and a need to push. They checked me and I was still at 6cm. At this point the only place that provided even a modicum of relief was the toilet. However, sitting there all I wanted to do was push. The feeling was overwhelming as was the pain. Contractions were right on top of each other. My husband felt that I was experiencing transition and indeed I went through all the emotional and behavioral cues we were taught in our Bradley classes.

At 6:30 I reached my breaking point and requested Demerol. I felt that with a bit of "help" I could get through the rest of it. The lack of sleep the night before and back labor was wearing on my strength. Sadly the Demerol did nothing which wasn't surprising as drugs have weird effects (or no effect) on me.

At 6:50 I was checked again. I was at 8cm. I still had a lip of cervix which neither the nurse nor the midwife could manipulate out of the way. Because I still needed to push they decided to let me try and the midwife would try to manipulate the cervical lip.

At 8:20 I was still pushing which honestly was the only relief. The manipulation of the lip didn't work and they found the baby had his head cocked at an angle besides being sunny side up. They had me turn to a side lying position which was excruciating. As each contraction peaked all I could do was scream and push. I was told not to push but I literally could not control myself. It was primal at that point with contractions happening one on top of another.

The side lying position hadn't moved the baby so the midwife tried to turn him manually. This also didn't work. At this point it was suggested that I be put on pitocin with an epidural in order to allow me to fully dilate since I was still stuck at 8cm. If this didn't work we would be facing a c section, my worst labor nightmare.

I agreed and the anesthesiologist was called. The next half an hour was awful. All I could do was sit on the toilet and push. The nurses kept telling me to breathe out and resist pushing but I couldn't.

Once the epi was administered I could actually rest and the constant need to push was gone. I was put into the side lie again and within 45 minutes I was fully dilated and the baby had turned and moved into 3+ station. I didn't even need the foley catheter it happened so fast.

Pushing was easy. I could feel the contractions enough to know when they were building and knew how to push thanks to our classes and to the fact I pushed earlier in the evening. After two hours if pushing, Sebastian came out into the world at 12:42 am on July 3rd. He was crying even before his body was out and was the most beautiful pink color right off the bat. He scored 9 out of 10 on his apgars though some of the nurses felt he should have scored a 10.

While I was loving and admiring my baby the scene around me was a bit frantic though I wasn't aware of it. Apparently I was loosing a lot of blood and they were worried about hemorrhaging. My husband is still freaked out about it. I also had a second degree tear I sustained at the very end of pushing.

Regardless of it all, I am so grateful for my little boy who is the most beautiful thing on the planet. I can't even express the love I feel for him.

Am I disappointed that I didn't have the natural birth we so hoped for? Yes, and no. I think I definitely could be if I hadn't been faced with the impending c section an issues with my labor. People are correct when they say, in the end you do what will bring your baby into the world safely. I am comforted with the fact that I labored for over 18 hours with excruciating back labor med free. I am comforted by the support my mom, husband, and dear friend showed me during this labor and by them telling me how proud they were of me. Most of all I am comforted by my son lying in my arms sleeping peacefully as I type this. He was worth it all.

He's Here!

2009-07-04T18:17:00.000-07:00

Those contractions were real after all.

Alex and I welcomed our sweet Sebastian to the world on July 3, 2009 at 12:42 am. He weighed 8 lbs 13 ozs and was 21 inches.

The EDD arrives...and passes

2009-07-01T22:23:00.000-07:00

First off I'd like to acknowledge the fact that I've slacked off in the blogging department, I know. Honestly I don't know how time flew by so fast. The end of the school year always has made me crazy busy and that paired with getting ready for Sebastian, and my hard drive crashing contributed to my blog fail. But, here I am and I'll try to catch people up in a timely manner.

Work

Well, the school year is over and so is my time at JSS, possibly even my teaching career as I'm not sure I will go back to teaching. I was so sad to have to leave and am still feeling really bitter over my layoff. My principal never made any reference to me leaving at the end which pissed me off but I figure she was just covering for her guilt.

I had to tell the 4th graders I wasn't coming back during move up day. Some of them knew I wasn't coming back but assumed it was because of the baby. I decided to tell them the truth because I think it's important that the school families know that it wasn't my decision. They were pretty disappointed, mainly because some of them had been waiting for me to be their teacher for many years. I would have taught them in second grade but I was moved to fifth grade that year.

Then I had to tell my class and damn those pregnancy hormones, I cried. It didn't help that I had some of my students cry as well. One of the girls wouldn't stop she was so upset. That sort of thing just breaks your heart.

Anyway, I have most of my stuff packed up and waiting for me to give birth and Alex to break down the garage office so we can store the boxes before our big move.

Moving

We are moving to Canada. When exactly, I'm not sure. I'm guessing around the end of August. Alex will be driving our stuff in a U-Haul across the country and Sebastian and I will follow by plane.

Moving is scary and makes me extremely sad. I've never lived anywhere else and don't know anything else. The thought of leaving my mother and my grandmother is...well...I can't even describe the feelings. My mom is trying to take the news the best she can but I know the thought of me being so far away is terrible for both of them. In all honesty, I think we are in denial that it will be happening soon.

What can I do though, you know? I need to go where my family leads and I'm not going to leave my husband in order to continue struggling here.

Baby

Sadly, my hard drive crashed so bad it took all of my pics with it :( So I can't update with a lot of pics. I will need o take a 40w belly pic tomorrow and I'll post that later.

I can't believe I have arrived at my due date. First off I can't believe it because everybody and their brother thought I would go early. Secondly, I can't believe it because this pregnancy has gone so fast. I never felt the time drag. Well, let me take that back. Waiting for labor is dragging, but more on that in a second.

Alex and I completed our Bradley childbirth classes a couple weeks ago. It was worth every penny and every hour. Our instructor, Sarah, was fantastic. We learned so much from her. Alex especially loved the classes. He has said that he didn't truly feel involved in the births of his older kids. He was just sort of there in the background. He feels that this time will be different, and he feels great knowing that I will be depending on him.

I feel great about his involvement too as he really has been so supportive through the classes and through all of my doctor appointments, doing the lion's share of the housework so I can be busy "growing a baby". He's really excited now and can't wait to meet his little boy.

Our appointments have gone well. I passed the GBS test, something I was freaked out about because IVs bother me so bad I would practically gnaw my arm off if I had one in. I followed my midwives' and our Bradley instructors advice to try and combat the GBS test. They encouraged me to take probiotics, vitamin c, and echinacea. I don't know if it worked but I do know that I passed. No IV or heplock for me. Woot!

That same appointment I had my first internal. Originally I was going to wave internals but curiosity got the best of me and I've had one ever since. A girl has got to know...

So my stats are as follows:

37w: 1cm dilated, 70% effaced, 0 station
38w: 1.5 cm dilated, 80% effaced, 0 station
39w: no change
40w: 3 cm dilated, 80% effaced, 0 station

I ended up losing my mucus plug twice. Twice people! Way to fake a girl out. The first time was a few days after my first internal and the second was at 39w2d after Alex and I went geocaching.

Yes, I went geocaching 9 months pregnant but I was bound and determined to get things going. I actually was able to log a FTF (First to Find) which is pretty awesome.

I've tried almost every natural induction method on the books, save for castor oil. There is no way I'm doing that. I've taken EPO since 36w, drank red raspberry leaf tea, walked tons, had sex (ouch!), ate pineapple, ate supper spicy food, bounced on my birthing ball, and had a foot massage.

Nothing has seemed to work except for my membranes being swept and walking. Those things have caused me to have mild contractions that are timeable for about an hour or so, occurring every six minutes but then they stop right when I start to think they might turn into something. It's such a huge fake-out and so disappointing and frustrating.

The only good thing I can say for the contractions is that they obviously are doing a little bit of something since I went from 1.5 to 3cm in a week. I also have had some bloody show two days in a row. Leora, one of my midwives says that it's a really good thing because some women go into labor with absolutely no dilation and I know she's right. Getting to 3 or 4cm in a fairly painless way is good and I need to be thankful for that.

Anyway, that's where I am currently. No Canada Day baby for me. Come on out Sebastian, we are ready for you!

"Can Haz Outside?"

2009-04-23T22:27:00.000-07:00

Oh my goodness, sometimes I think this child is trying to pummel his way out. Since I only feel him on one side it's as if my insides are bruised. At least they feel this way. This cracks Alex up and he took great delight in telling me today, "Can haz outside?" It's amazing how sharp and pointy those little heels are because I think that's what I feel the most with an elbow jab thrown in here and there. It's also really odd feeling these body parts and being able to push on them a bit and feel them sink back into my belly, kind of like Jack drowning in Titanic. Heh.

So here I am in all my bare bellied 30 week glory. I feel huge and apparently I still look huge. Nothing like continuous comments to make a girl feel good. In fact, since I take these pics myself, I've realized that I can no longer get my big ass and belly in the same shot. I'm scared for what I'm going to look like in 10 weeks. Even Alex, who has been through two pregnancies with his ex-wife is amazed at my size. "Yeah, you're going to be huge". Thanks hun.

I also must take a moment to totally AW the most gorgeous shower invites that my fabulous friend, Megan and her husband made. Seriously, I could cry over how beautiful they are.

Ray did a kick ass job in designing these. They are some super talented people and I love them for making these so special for me. Thank you guys.

Happy Freaking Earth Day

2009-04-22T17:26:00.000-07:00

Disney needs to send me some Prozac for having to sit through Earth today, matter of fact so does my principal.

My whole school went to see the movie Earth today for Earth Day. What a fab idea, right? Heh...

Now I have to write a disclaimer stating that I hate animal movies. HATE them. I hate them because they are almost always depressing. This is also why I don't like watching Animal Planet. If I watch for more than an hour I am sure to be depressed.

I fully admit that I am a hypocrite. I'm not a vegetarian. I would be if I had to kill the animal myself, but since I don't I'll eat it, therefore I'm a hypocrite.

So there we are sitting in the theater and I know it's going to be bad. It's a nature movie so it's bound to be depressing. It's a Disney movie as well so you know someone is going to die. Yeah, Disney/nature combo equals a bad combination. The cinematography was fantastic but the storyline stunk.

*Here be spoilers...seriously if you want to be "surprised" don't read this*

I don't need to hear about or see multiple animals die. I know what happens in the wild. I don't need to see an elephant (I freaking love elephants) be gang killed and I don't need to hear about how a poor baby elephant they filmed wandering through Africa, was separated from his herd and momma, was going to die because he was following her trail the opposite way. I also really, really didn't need to follow the story of the father polar bear who fails to find food. Then after swimming hopelessly for two days tries again and again to weakly attack some walruses. After showing this they show said starving polar bear (which they remind you of again and again)practically dragging himself along the shore until he lies down to die.

You are freaking mother f'ers Disney! Here you market this movie as some happy sappy movie following three families (seriously the cute ducky part is like five minutes long if that). Where was the damn happiness, I'd like to know?

Happy freaking Earth Day. Prozac for all.

Ps. Sebastian wasn't liking it either. He was kicking like crazy through the whole thing.

Oh Hospital, How Do I Love Thee. Let me Count the Ways.

2009-04-21T07:25:00.000-07:00

Alex and I had our hospital tour last night. We really have two hospitals we can choose from so we decided to check out the one that seemed the more modern one first. We have a friend who just delivered there and could do nothing but rave about it.

Oh my goodness do I love it. Shall I list the ways?

-They are a "baby friendly" hospital. They advocate for breast feeding and have a lactation center and large staff to help you. They do not give bottles or pacifiers.

-They are natural birth friendly with tubs in 4 of the rooms and a tub in a separate tub room if you don't get a tub room. They also have birthing balls and a stool.

-They delay cord cutting on principal and encourage skin to skin contact 1-2hrs after birth. They won't take the baby from you or weigh/measure him or her until that time is up.

-The baby rooms with you 24hrs a day. If, on the off chance, the baby needs to leave the room, you may go too.

-24 hr room service. No kidding! You get hungry at 3am, they'll make it for you. They'll even make food for your husband/coaches and you get to choose from a huge menu.

-They want you to stay for at least two nights in order to make sure the baby is ok and you have established a good start at breastfeeding.

-Before you leave they treat you and your husband to a champagne dinner (sparkling cider if you ask for it). We saw one of these being wheeled past last night on a fancy table and everything.

-They won't make your child get the HepB. They also will delay the Vit K. shot and the eye goop for two hours (if we choose to get it and not waive it).

-They have fridges in each room, something that is important to me since my husband is a diabetic and needs his meds refrigerated.

I'm probably forgetting something but man, do I like this place. I registered last night and now we just keep on waiting.

I Love Canadians

2009-04-17T18:59:00.000-07:00

This Canadian government ad has been making the news rounds today. I love it.

Alex was loving it too. I think we've watched it about 5 times.

In baby news, I don't have gestational diabetes. Woot!

Enjoying Easter While Resembling an Easter Egg...

2009-04-12T17:27:00.000-07:00

...is not what it's cracked up to be.

Yeah, I know, bad pun.

28 Weeks, 4 days.

I wish I looked decent. I seem to hate all pictures of myself lately.

Today my mom and I went to Mass at our old church today because it was closer to where my grandmother lives. It wasn't a good idea. We realized how much we really can't stand the whole join hands, guitar playing, untraditional Mass they have going there. We should have just driven farther and gone to our normal church which is pretty traditional and, dare I say uptight. I do love it though.

We also couldn't stand that the music director, while super enthusiastic about what she was doing and the music, was a terrible singer, singing off key and flat at most times. It was terrible. Why would you hire someone like that?

Anyway, after Mass we went to have lunch with my Grammy at her new assisted living place. Thank God it finally opened up and we were able to get her out of the "hell hole" as she calls it. The dining room doesn't seat very many people so only my mom and I went. Alex doesn't do the Easter thing anyway. It was nice to visit her for a while since I hadn't been able to for a month, though I was super tired at the end of the visit.

Apparently I look huge to everyone else, not just myself (giant easter egg anyone?)because when one of the nurses asked me when I was due she couldn't believe it. "Really!? I thought you were farther along. Do you have two in there? Are you sure?" Then she had one of the other nurses guess how far along I was. *sigh*

Two days earlier my mom and I went to BabiesRUs so I could show her the stuff I put on the registry. She couldn't find them by herself previously. At check-out the checker dude says in a super perky way, "Hope you have the baby soon!". Ummm I don't and I told him so. "Oh, well in a month then?" Not then either.

People know how to make a girl feel good.

Blog Potpourri

2009-03-31T20:31:00.000-07:00

I've been remiss at updating. So much has been going on that even the idea of updating tired me out, but here goes.

Spa Trip

Megan and I had our spa trip that Alex bought for me a couple weeks ago. It was pretty damn awesome despite the rain and cold of Sausalito. The first day there we had foot and hand massages and the second day we had full body massages. Because it was a pregnancy package they had special foam things so I could lay face down without laying on my belly. That was kind of weird but the massage was great. We also were given meals which was nice.

We found this super fun store that had kick ass goodies. We saw this gum that would be perfect for all our 606 girls.

All that was missing was tuna flavored mermaid gum.

The next day we wandered about Haight-Ashbury before heading home. All in all it was a great get-away and I was glad to share it with May.

Ratties

Sadly, we had to make the decision to put Tristan to sleep the following Saturday. He was with us for an extra week longer than we thought we'd have. The night before I was to bring him in, he was playing, eating, and being completely lovable. It was if he was normal despite having a growing tumor on his spine.

Each day we'd spend tons of time with him, playing among the sheets and comforter (his favorite place to play). Sometimes he'd drag one of his hind legs around, sometimes he wouldn't. He didn't seem to mind and continued cuddling with us and bruxing every time we'd talk to him.

However, the sore on his tail just kept looking worse, even with constant medicating, and soon he drug his leg all the time.

My poor, sweet boy. I hated having to make that decision and signing that paper. Most of my rats have passed at home as I've held them and that has been strangely comforting, knowing that they went when it was their time and knowing I was with them. I just couldn't go in the back with Tristan though. I just can't see it being done to them. It breaks my heart.

So now I have a rat free home and it kills me. I've had rats for the past seven years and my house seems empty without them. I keep expecting to look at the empty cage and see an excited fuzzbutt looking back at me hoping I had a treat or waiting for me to take them out and give them scritches. It's just not right and I have a hole in my heart.

I can't get any new babies right now, though. I couldn't put them through a likely move and a new baby. So, I'll just have to wait.

Work

Grrr. I'm still bitter and pissed over the whole thing. It doesn't help my attitude in the least especially when I'm so freaking exhausted all the time. Good thing I have a great group of kids this year.

Friends

My friend Ed came into town for an uber brief visit. He's lived in NYC for years and the last time I saw him was at my 5 year vow renewal for my first marriage (yeah, that was me trying to save the disaster). Alex finally got to meet the famous "Eddie" on St Patrick's Day when we met up, at all places, a Mexican restaurant. We were even "entertained" by a 8 piece bagpipe group. Ed even got to feel Sebastian kick him, though I think it creeped him out a bit.

Anyway it was great to see Ed, albeit brief. He seemed to be doing great and looked the best I'd seen him.

Ed looking nice, me looking like crap.

Pregnancy

I have been asked for belly pics so here is the latest at 26 weeks, a week ago. I stopped doing the every week thing because I've just gotten too tired and lazy to deal with taking them. This pic really does my belly no justice. What you can't see is, instead of continuing to go out (which I have a little) I have widened significantly. Baby boy is making me expand in all directions.

At my 25w midwife appointment I was told that by the next time she saw me I'd be doubled in size. Holy crap! Sebastian is measuring big, now she says I'm measuring big. I'm only 27 weeks and I already feel like a moose. All those maternity clothes with the "Purchase your pre-pregnancy size" labels are liars! My size smalls don't fit anymore. My size mediums barely fit. I'm heading into large territory (I'm already wearing some) and it's not just the boobs. I can't wait for school to be out so I can sit around in sweats all day.

We've also started our Bradley Method classes. Our instructor is awesome. She's giving us private lessons and is a military wife who has had two natural births. Both Alex and I are really enjoying her class and her style. It's so ironic how the class focuses so much on relaxation when that is something that is a huge hurdle for me. I have a very hard time relaxing ever so I hope that with this class and with Alex's help, I can do it.

Next up, gestational diabetes test in two weeks and our first hospital tour. We'll see what we think of Sutter. I'd also like to tour Dominican the same day but I don't know if that would be possible. Third tri and its reality is scary!

And the Ax Falls

2009-03-11T21:28:00.000-07:00

Remember how worried I was yesterday regarding Alex's layoff, job search, possible moving? Yeah well, it's gotten worse. Looks like I'm getting laid off at the end of the school year. I have no words right now, just tears.

Looks Like We Made It!

2009-03-10T21:13:00.000-07:00

It's my "V Day"! That is viability day for those not familiar with message board speak. While part of me is so excited that Sebastian and I have reached that milestone of viability, another part of me is still worried that he will be snatched from me at a moment's notice.

I'm also scared knowing that he will be here before I know it. In fact this whole pregnancy has passed in a flash. Two weeks away from third tri, are you kidding me? We are so not ready! And the uncertainty of what will happen in the next few months has been a huge stress builder.

While Alex is working as a contractor right now, it's only temporary. Who knows where we will be in a few months. He has said he'll let me know by the end of the month whether we will stay here for a while or whether we will be moving (most likely to Canada). Either way he hasn't been terribly forthcoming about any job offers or even proactive in looking since he's doing the contract work. My boss wants to know by the end of the month if I am coming back next year and to be honest I don't think I'll have an answer for her.

If it looks like we'll stay here, we'll need to find a house to rent in May or June. Cue my panic over packing, moving, getting a house/nursery ready before Sebastian's arrival in very early July. Or if we need to move we'll stay in our crap hole apartment until after Sebastian is here and we'll have to move to another country with a newborn.

Obviously, I am hoping for choice one, mainly because I do not want to leave my family now that I have a baby on the way. The thought of leaving them breaks my heart on a daily basis but what can I do? I have to go where my husband and his job is.

I just have to keep taking it day by day. We got to V day, we can make it through the rest. Right?

You Take the Good, You Take the Bad

2009-03-07T08:59:00.000-08:00

This has been a week of milestones and has ended with some impending sadness. I'll start with the good first.

I reached 23 weeks on Wednesday. Now I know 24 weeks is viability, and believe me I'm so excited to be almost there, but I can't help but keep 23 weeks in my mind. It's hard to believe that I was born at 23 weeks and that I even made it at all seeing how it was 1972 and I was in a normal hospital with no NICU.

Pic taken at 1 month old ~ 3lbs 10oz

Anyway I know how fortunate I am that I was born as healthy as I was. I also can't imagine having Sebastian now. I keep thinking, he's not done cooking yet! It makes me put myself in my mom's shoes. How scared she must have been. She hadn't had any childbirth classes, any showers, hadn't a thing ready for me (not that that would matter much seeing how I was in an incubator in the hospital for two months). She wasn't able to hold me or even touch me for those two months.

To this day she still doesn't know why I came early, just that I did. That poor woman was in labor for 36 hours without any meds of any kind (they wouldn't give her any) to not know if I was going to make it in the end.

So keep cooking Sebastian. We don't want to meet you just yet.

A good thing that happened this week centered on the arrival of a FedEx envelope. My step-daughter was accepted into the pre med program at Guelph University in Ontario, Canada. Plus she already is going to receive a $3000.00 scholarship because her grades are so high. I think this made her year is not life. I am definitely proud of her and all of her hard work. I knew she'd get in (she didn't think she would) but I am excited it's a reality for her. Now we have to focus on getting her more scholarships.

The bad thing is the discovery of Tristan, my last little rattie, gnawing and picking at the base of his tail. Alex took him in and they gave him some cream to put on it and some antibiotics. A couple days later it was ten times worse. Poor thing was bleeding all over the place. He's taken in to the vet again and they find a fast growing tumor on his spine. This one is inoperable. It's deadened the feeling in his tail so he doesn't know he's hurting himself when he picks at his tail. He's just trying to relieve the pressure back there.

My poor baby love. We will be taking him in on Monday morning to get put to sleep. I am so sad to lose my little rattie boy. For now I just have been spending lots of time with him and giving him crap loads of treats and kisses, which he has also been giving (kisses, not treats).

I will have no more rattie fuzzibutts in the house after this. I know we will get some more someday but this isn't the time. I can hardly imagine a house without ratties.

Goodbye Waist, My Old Friend

2009-03-03T17:22:00.001-08:00

Ahh yes, I remember it like yesterday. I must have been in sixth grade when I noticed you. I even remember where I was, the cloakroom at school. I remember remarking that I could use my newly formed waist and hips as a ledge for my arms. You never let me down, my friend. When my boobs failed to be the sort of boobs a young girl would want, you were there. When my period failed to show when everybody else's was, you were there. I could count on you to help my big ass look great and help me fit in juniors jeans for longer than I should have.

I'll miss you, waist, and I hope to see you again.

I Think I Like This Bedding

2009-03-01T22:29:00.000-08:00

Not that we have a nursery at the moment to even think of decorating (don't get me started on how sad that makes me) but I'm assuming we will have one in the somewhat near future depending on where we move to.

If we were having a girl I had everything set. I was going to go full steam ahead with a shabby chic theme and had tons of stuff already picked out and bookmarked on my comp. Boy stuff was always more difficult. The bedding I totally loved (still do) is a New Arrivals set and is seriously $400.00. For three pieces! It's vintage looking, 30's colors, everything I love, but way too expensive.

I like this Bananafish set. It's calming. It looks semi-vintage or at least I could accessorize with vintage stuff and it would be ok. Alex likes it too. I think we have a winner.

Now we just need a room to put it in.

Book Love

2009-03-01T09:04:00.000-08:00

I was bad yesterday. I went to Kohls to get a couple pair of maternity pants that wouldn't cause me to kill someone and I ended up drifting to the next section and buying Sebastian some super cute clothes. *sigh*. At least it was on sale so I wasn't that bad. Ah the lure of "half off".

Later after we took my mom to her birthday dinner we stopped at Borders. Bethia pointed out the most amazing baby books. Before I show them to you can I just say how happy that made me that she actually saw something baby related and thought of me and her baby brother to be? It's a big leap to say the least.

Anyway, I bought two of them, Baby Animals and One Tree. I hope they will have more of these out soon.

They are board books that are written intelligently and focus on eco themes. Baby Animals centers around animals that are endangered or threatened. Kids search for them on the pages while learning about them. At the end of the book they have tips on what to do to save these animals.

One Tree is all about trees and the animals/insects that live in them. At the back of this one there are tips on how to save the trees and information on how trees help us.

Both books have super cute art and are printed on 98% recycled materials with soy based inks. Yeah, nifty.

Duck, Duck, 22 Week Goose

2009-02-27T20:17:00.001-08:00

So today I had a parent at school tell me, "It's so nice to see someone as thin as you are, waddle." Ummmm, yeah.

I know she didn't mean anything mean by it but, crap, it pissed me off. I'm waddling because my inner thighs feel like I've been riding a horse for a year and my hips feel like they are being pulled from their sockets.

Then I had another parent comment how I looked the same from the back but once I turned around, whoa! *sigh* People love to make unsolicited comments to pregnant women don't they?

Anyway, here is my 22 week belly shot.

Comparing this shot to my 20 week one I can see how my uterus has moved up. It doesn't feel like anything has moved up though. My little boy is planted firmly on top of my cervix it seems.

What's in a Name?

2009-02-26T20:59:00.000-08:00

Alex and I are in the process of nailing down a name. It's not the easiest thing. We had narrowed it down to:

Sébastien Sylvan Wiepke K....
Sébastien Wiepke Sylvan K....
Sebastian Sylvan Wiepke K....
Sebastian Wiepke Sylvan K....

We are wavering between the French spelling and pronunciation and the English. We have been leaning toward the French, but I realize that people may use the other pronunciation anyway.

Sylvanus is my deceased grandfather "Pompy's", middle name. He was the most important man in my life growing up and was so very special to me.

Wiepke is my deceased FIL's name. He was Dutch so that's why the different name.

Out of those we are closing in on using Sébastien Sylvan Wiepke K. Though, Alex is also really getting into the idea of using Sylvanus. So then we have Sébastien Sylvanus Wiepke K.

Arg! Either way, I expect certain members of my family to be rolling their eyes at our choice.

I Felt Him!

2009-02-22T10:25:00.001-08:00

Despite my stupid anterior placenta, I know I felt him this morning for sure. Of course I had to lay on my back (something neither of us likes) to do it. I laid there with my hands on my belly and I felt him kick my hands. I felt him do this over a week ago when I did the same thing but I wasn't positive because, how weird is it to feel something on your hands but not your belly? Now I can just hope I feel him normally soon.

Yay, go baby.

Excited for the Future

2009-02-21T08:20:00.001-08:00

Last night I was thinking about all the things I can't wait to do with this little boy and decided to make a list. I like lists, what can I say?

- Go to the library every week for a mommy and me reading time.

I love reading and especially loved reading as a kid. I'd go to the library every week, sometimes twice, and would check out tons of books to enjoy. I can't wait to share that with my child.

- Take him to Disneyland

Yeah, this one is going to have to wait awhile which is sad but I do love that place.

- Take him to two of my most favorite places on Earth, Maui and London. Really just travel in general.

I love, love, love to travel and think it is so important for children to go out and see the world. I've always planned on traveling with my child.

- Teach him things.

Literally teach him. As a teacher I've always been so excited at the prospect of being my child's first teacher. Hell, I'd even consider homeschooling. Educational/teacher supply stores practically give me the fits with how many wonderful things there are in them. I can't wait to stock up.

- Take him to art museums and science museums.

I love fine art and think there is no reason kids can't get into it too. We have some kick ass science museums in the Bay Area for when he is older. I loved going to them as a kid and look forward to exploring these with him in the future.

- Go to the symphony.

I had season tickets for a few years as a kid and loved going. DH was also a classical music fan as a kid. I hope we can pass on that trait to our boy.

- Teach him about tolerance, social activism, community involvement, and how to be a global citizen.

What is there to say about this? Yeah, I'd love to do all these things as they are really important to me.

There's many more but these are just some of the most prominent things I'd love to do and can't wait to do.

Our Big Baby Boy

2009-02-17T22:24:00.000-08:00

I had my real "big" ultrasound today. I say real since we cheated and went to the 3d place. I almost felt guilty saying yes when the sonographer asked me if I wanted to know the sex. I also had a hard time not refering to the baby as "he" before she told me.

Alex couldn't go so my mom went with me. She loved it although she couldn't figure out what most things were on the screen.

Turns out our baby boy is measuring quite a bit ahead. Seriously MW's office, I know you like to go by LMP but really, I'm right with my ovulation EDD. He's even measuring a week ahead of my O EDD, 21w6d! He is also 15oz.

The sonographer said everything was looking beautiful and said he is perfectly healthy looking. She even complimented his nice round head. LOL I think he's taking after daddy in that regard.

Anyway, he can cool it on the growing thing. Don't grow too fast my baby love. Mama wants to push you out med free.

So without further ado here are a pic from both Thursday's extra ultrasound and today's "big" ultrasound.

Thursday he gave us great profile shots though we missed getting a pic of him drinking some amniotic fluid. That was so stinking cute.

Today he wasn't having any of it in regards to profile pics. This made me very glad we didn't wait until today to find out what he was, especially since I didn't get any pictures of him at all during our NT scan.

These types of pics, and we have quite a few, remind me of the Terminator. Alex agrees. My mom just ooed and ahhed over them thinking they were the cutest ever. Just like a grandma. She even said he looked like a cute Jack Skellington. LOL In this pic he has both of his hands up by his face.

He was pretty active this afternoon but of course I couldn't feel him. I found out the reason why is my placenta is anterior. I'll just have to wait a bit longer before he kicks me good and hard enough so I feel something.

I do have pics of the goods but I'm not going to be the mom that flashes my son's junk on the internet. He can choose to do that later in life.

And for all those belly stalkers, here is my 20w pic (better late than never) and an actual fully clothed shot my mom took of me after a tiring day at work at 20 weeks exactly because she's good like that.

My Husband Really Loves Me

2009-02-14T20:01:00.000-08:00

I have to brag on my husband for a moment.

At our valentine's day dinner he gave me the most awesome present. He's sending me and Megan (MayT) to Casa Madrona Hotel and Spa in Sausilito for a long spa weekend. It's some special pregnancy spa package. I can't believe he did this for me, let alone think of it in the first place. It's so unbelievably thoughtful.

Alex of course joked it was part valentine's present and part "push present" since we were cracking up over the concept a couple weeks ago. Silly man.

It's a....

2009-02-12T22:00:00.001-08:00

I guess she isn't psychic. I'm in absolute shock. It wasn't what I was expecting at all and to be honest I am scared out of my mind. I didn't grow up around boys. For family, I had my mom and my aunt. Both of them had girls, my mom one, my aunt two. We didn't even really have many male influences around us. I'm not into boy things. I hate sports. I don't like rough and tumble behavoir at all. I like ballet and art. I like frilly things and am pretty girlie, girlie. So yeah, I'm scared.

Alex did say to me that one thing is for certain our son would always love me, his mother, and I guess this is true.

And I'll always love him. I just have to get used to it first.

My Husband Loves Me

2009-02-12T06:11:00.000-08:00

Alex is taking me to the 3D/4D ultrasound place in San Jose today. I can't believe he decided to do it and boy am I grateful. Hopefully they aren't a bunch of quacks, baby is cooporating, and we can see something. We'll just be doing a 2D gender determination.

In other news, I *think* I may be feeling the baby here and there. I was woken up in the middle of the night last night, and this time it wasn't from a terrible dream. Instead I felt weird twinges. I say think because I have been waiting to feel the flutters and bubbles popping that everyone talks about and I never get those. Instead I get twinges. So baby or not, I gues I won't know.

I Should Expect This Sort of Thing

2009-02-11T17:49:00.000-08:00

After all, nothing has ever come easy.

I checked my phone after work to get my confirmation for my ultrasound tomorrow. Instead I got a cancellation. Apparently the ultrasound tech isn't going to be there. They also notified me that I have been rescheduled for Tuesday at 4pm. Nice.

So as a result I've been crying my fool head off for about an hour. I call Alex and I cry, I call my mom and I cry. I am so upset and disappointed. I feel like my big opportunity to meet my baby has been snatched away and all my exciting plans I had for Thursday through Sunday, shit on.

Alex is pretty mad too. He probably isn't mad enough to drive me to San Jose to go to one of those 3D/4D imaging places tomorrow since I got the afternoon off anyway. It's only $80. I'm hoping I can convince him.

And yes, I realize how ridiculous it is to be so upset after all we've been through, but shit, I am.

19 Weeks, the Pox, and Other Drama.

2009-02-09T20:44:00.000-08:00

I know, I know, I lag when it comes to the belly pictures. I did take one last week and then never put it up out of laziness/being too busy/what have you. So before it gets too late here is my 19 week shot.

This week is going to drag, what with the big U/S looming on Thursday. That is if I can get it done.

This morning one of my students tells me that one of my girls is out due to chicken pox. I hadn't received any word from the child's mom that this was true but I did see weird welts on her leg that she was scratching Friday. They looked like bug bites, not anything how I remembered chicken pox. It kind of bothered me considering her desk is right next to my chair and computer desk.

About an hour later I really take a look at the boy who sits next to her. He too has rashes and welts on his neck and arm. I ask him to go to the office which he doesn't want to do. They immediately pull him. Chicken pox.

So now I am down two students and I start to freak.

I called my midwife and after some drama with my cell finally get ahold of her, never mind that I'm flipping out and wanting to cry. She tells me that even though I probably have childhood immunity because I had the pox in 5th grade, I should get blood drawn to make sure I'm immune and mentions off hand that I shouldn't be around pregnant women and she'll send me something. Ummmm does this mean I can't have my big ultrasound on Thursday? I didn't ask. I didn't want to press the issue.

After more drama with finding a lab with decent hours, calling Alex with info so he can take me there, cell phone going in and out, and calling the midwife back so she can fax the order, I feel a bit better. Of course I had to break down about two times more for good measure.

Next up, after school I go to get my blood drawn. They hadn't gotten the lab order. *Tears* They call the main lab and found that my midwife hadn't signed the order so I'm told they probably can't complete the blood draw. *More tears* So they send me off to the lab to talk to the lab tech there (He's who took my beta draws) and he takes pity on me. He calls and finds out they can take the draw and call my midwife's office for verification afterwards. *Even more tears*.

I get my blood drawn and then am told it probably won't be back until Friday because it has to be sent out of house. Ummm what? Hells no!

I'm surprised I didn't fall into a blubbering pregnant mess right on the floor.

Oh. my. Lord. If I get a call telling me I can't get my big U/S on Thursday I am going to flip my shit!

I could kick myself for panicking and probably making things worse when I'm probably fine.

So yeah, I need some quick lab results dust sent my way pronto and some stay away chicken pox cooties spray for extra measure.

Psychic or Not?

2009-02-07T09:06:00.000-08:00

I have a parent of one of my students who supposedly has some sort of psychic intuition. I've heard some interesting stories of things she has said to other people/teachers that support that. She also doesn't talk about it so it's not like she's telling everyone's fortune or anything like that. Nor has she ever mentioned anything about it to me.

A couple weeks ago we had an IEP meeting for her daughter and afterwards we were talking about the baby. She asked me if I knew what it was. I said no I'd find out in a couple weeks. She blurts out, "I know". But then wouldn't tell me anything else.

On Thursday her daughter asks me if I know what the baby is yet. I tell her that no, I'll find out in a week. I asked her what she thought it was. "My mom says it's a girl".

Ah ha! We'll see if she's right.

So what do you all think? Shall we take bets?

Can you tell waiting is killing me?

Good To Know

2009-01-30T17:54:00.000-08:00

My students are so funny sometimes.

I have one male student who asks me at least twice a week how I'm doing and how the baby is doing. It's quite endearing.

The other day I was walking the kids down to the spirit day game on the field and he and I were talking. He suddenly stops and says, "Wait so you were pregnant when we were on the boat?" (We went on a field trip on a tall ship and went sailing out in the bay). I said yes, I was. "Wow, so that was why you were eating those ginger cookies. How did you get through it?" I couldn't believe he actually paid enough attention to what I was doing and remembered it months later.

I then tell him that I was also pregnant when we went geocaching and hiked 10 1/2 miles. "Whoa. You know Ms. Jennifer, you're going to have an fit kid. You know why? You went sailing and hiking when you were pregnant and you'll go sailing and hiking after the baby is born." Then, off he goes.

So funny. So there you have it. No couch potato kid for me.

My First Fluffy Mail

2009-01-23T19:20:00.000-08:00

OMG so freaking soft and cute. This cloth diapering thing could be dangerous for sure. I can't wait until after my big U/S when I can go crazy purchasing covers. There are so many cute ones but they aren't very gender neutral.

On an additional note, I love my midwife, adore her.

A New Day

2009-01-21T18:09:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a day I will never forget, a day so many Americans have been waiting for, and a return to hope, pride, enthusiasm, faith and dare I say it...patriotism. I am so happy that my child will be born during an Obama presidency.

My first glimpse of that hope (yes, I know it sounds almost cliche now) was way back in July 2004, when I first heard relative unknown Barack Obama speak at the DNC.

Here is my post on LiveJournal the morning after:

Wow there were some great speeches tonight on tv from the Democratic Convention. I was brought to tears a few times. That may sound silly but that's how strongly I feel about things changing in November. If it doesn't I don't know what I'm going to do.

The speech that blew them all out of the water was made by a man I had never heard of before. After tonight I was ready to vote Barack Obama for president. What an eloquent, amazing, charismatic man. It's people like that that give you hope. He is our future hope. I pray some crazy person doesn't try to destroy that hope like what was done to the Kennedys and MLK. Here is a snippet of his speech.

"A belief that we are connected as one people. If there's a child on the south side of Chicago who can't read, that matters to me, even if it's not my child. If there's a senior citizen somewhere who can't pay for her prescription and has to choose between medicine and the rent, that makes my life poorer, even if it's not my grandmother. If there's an Arab American family being rounded up without benefit of an attorney or due process, that threatens my civil liberties. It's that fundamental belief — I am my brother's keeper, I am my sister's keeper — that makes this country work. It's what allows us to pursue our individual dreams, yet still come together as a single American family. "E pluribus unum." Out of many, one."

That was certainly another moment I'll never forget. I turned to Alex and said, "That man is going to be our president someday!" Little did I know it would only be four (albeit long) years.

Yesterday was a day I was brimming with pride for my country and for what its citizens have accomplished. To think that just 40 years ago Obama wouldn't even have been able to drink out of the same drinking fountain as many of us who voted for him. Just thinking about this makes me cry. A picture that really drove that home was this picture I found on TIME's website, the caption reading

A server at the coffee and the new President chat.

Now of course I realize things aren't perfect, nor are they going to be. I don't have on rose colored glasses. However, it's been a long time since I've had faith in our government and I am hoping beyond hope (there's that hope again) that things improve, that our government officials start working for us, and that if anything, this new administration inspires people to get involved and make a difference in our world. The self-centeredness and greed of today's America needs to change.

So long #43.

16 weeks, a Belly, and Ballroom

2009-01-14T20:03:00.000-08:00

Four months! I can't believe I'm a month away from being halfway there.

Today I had my first full on belly rub. Our school's cleaning lady fully felt me up today at lunch. Strange thing is, I didn't feel like decking her in the face. I don't know why because usually I hate people touching me. I'm the type of person that does not like folks getting into my personal space unless I allow it/invite it.

Oddly, it was really sweet in a way. She has a very large family and it seems like she has taken me, the newly pregnant lady under her wing, maybe because she's done it so many times. She was wagging her finger at my students the other day because they left a highlighter on the floor and she was afraid that I'd trip and fall on it. She wouldn't let me hand her the plate of sandwiches (we had our monthly teacher appreciation lunch today) so she could get one and made someone else do it, and after school, when I ran to the bathroom to pee before our staff meeting she wagged her finger at me and clucked in Spanish that I shouldn't run. Now of course I find it endearing now but we'll see how I feel down the road.

Also in work related news, we had our first ballroom lesson today with the fifth graders. Some of you may be familiar with the documentary Mad Hot Ballroom

It's about a program that Pierre Dulaine, a renowned dancer and teacher (If you saw Take the Lead with Antonio Banderas, they based his character off of Pierre) started to teach children ballroom dancing through their schools. They specifically chose to work with fifth graders, though now they are branching into teaching high schoolers. These fifth graders involved in the program learn five+ dances within ten weeks.

The program originated in New York but they have started to bring it to schools nationally. My school is one of first schools in California to participate. There are only six of us in the whole state and we are all in the same county.

My kids are taking it for ten weeks during their PE period. Of course when they first heard the news they freaked out. In fact, you'd think we were asking them to cut off a limb or something. "What do you mean we won't get to have PE for ten weeks?!" "What do you mean we have to dance with boys/girls?!" Some of them even asked what would happen if they stayed home from school every Wednesday and Thursday. I told them that they wouldn't pass fifth grade if they missed that much school and would have to end up take it again the next year anyway. Some of the moms even freaked out about the classes(moms of boys, mind you)and called the Principal complaining. The principal told the moms the kids had no choice. Bwahahaha.

So today was the first lesson and I catch quite a few of the kids, dare I say it, having a fairly good time. Afterwards one of the boys says, "that was actually pretty fun". Another couple of boys were talking about the class saying, "That wasn't as bad as I thought." "You're right it wasn't that bad. It was still bad, but not as bad as I thought it would be."

Victory!

Am I Really That Big?

2009-01-13T19:55:00.000-08:00

Today after work I met Alex downtown at the farmer's market. While I was waiting for him I ran into an older theatre friend whom I hadn't seen for a while. She had heard I was pregnant so she was ooing and awing over my bump. "When are you due?" "July 1st, I'll be 16 weeks tomorrow", I told her.

I got the look. Then I got the second look. "Really?" I had to explain that no, there was only one in there.

Am I really that big?

On aother baby note, I was home sick from work on Monday. When I came back to work today the kids were all excited thinking I had my big U/S. "What is it? What is it?" I had to explain to them that I was merely in bed, sick all day.

One of the boys then says, "That must have been nice to spend all day with your baby". LOL It was quite cute.

15 Weeks

2009-01-09T20:43:00.000-08:00

This last week has been an interesting one. It was the first week back at work after break and thankfully my insomnia hasn't returned. Of course the exhaustion is probably just due to me having to get up at 6am every day. Blah. Work itself is a challenge. I have so little energy and actually getting there and being prepared is a drag. What the hell am I going to wear? What am I going to eat? How am I going to get through my day?

This week was also the week everybody and their brother could tell I was pregnant. There is no way to hide nor avoid the bump. The cleaning lady at work (who I doubt knew I was pregnant) pointed at her belly and then at me as I was walking down the hall shrouded in my coat, multiple parents in the car line made comments about the bump, and co-workers all brought it up. Even my students have been asking how the baby is. Of course I can't really tell them anything. It's too early for feeling any movement so I just have to trust that the little one is ok.

16 days until my next midwife appointment.

14 Weeks

2009-01-02T00:59:00.000-08:00

It's 1am. I should be asleep but the need to eat something lest I vomit overpowered my need to sleep. So here I am, scarfing down a cherry Popsicle and peanut butter and grape jelly Uncrustable while I post my latest bloat pic.

I must say, the bloat is getting quite impressive at times. Even my belly button is disappearing. Normally I have an inny but it's flattening out. One would think it was too early for that but I guess my body has a mind of its own.

This morning I was super excited because I realized I could feel my uterus for the first time. It's nice to actually know where the baby is under all that bloat.

Hello baby!

Take that "Advanced Maternal Age!"

2008-12-30T11:08:00.001-08:00

I just got a call from the genetic counselor from Stanford with my NT scan results. My chances for Trisomy 21 (Downs) was 1 in 3761, less than someone under the age of 20 she said! My chances for Trisomy 13 or 18 were 1/6901. I am beyond thrilled. No amnio for me. Of course she recommended I continue with the sequential screening, which I will do, but it looks like we are doing pretty well in that department.

I also had my second midwife appointment yesterday. I worked with the other one this time, although I met her at my first appointment and she's the one who did my ultrasound. I asked her about my concern over my NT report and the note that said: "cord insertion is within 2 cm of upper placental margin. To be confirmed later in pregnancy". I researched this and it seems I may have a marginal insertion (battledore insertion). This, of course, freaked me out when I Googled, especially considering automatic C-section was mentioned more than one and"hemorrhaging".

Lenore, was very assuring, however, and told me that it was too early to say for sure and even if it was a battledore insertion it wasn't a big deal. I could still have the natural birth I am wanting. Awesome. Maybe it's the difference between an OB and a MW. I've noticed they are very easy going about everything and are not quick to be bothered about anything. I like that. It's calming for me.

She checked the heart rate yesterday and was able to find it pretty quick. Baby's heart was loud and beating strong at 160 bpm.

My next appointment is on January 16th and then I have to go back two weeks later for my "Big Ultrasound" at 20 weeks on February 12. They won't do it any earlier. Boo, I hate waiting. I'm not good at it.

C Cup Without a Boob Job

2008-12-29T11:02:00.000-08:00

This is an aspect of pregnancy I am loving! Now keep in mind I'm one of those late bloomer girls, the one in 8th grade who was as flat as a board and used to have boys come up to her and say,"Hey, have you heard the joke that makes you flat? Oh you already have...". Yeah, that was always fun.

I was thrilled to pieces when I eventually grew to a B cup. But here I am, in a C and almost out of that! I about cried when I went bra shopping yesterday. I tried on 6 or 7 of them. The sales girl was pissed I only bought one but I explained to her that these were pregnant boobs that just might grow more. She was kind of a bitch though and wasn't very understanding.

Alex, while not a boob man is enjoying the spoils of war as well. Now I just have to hope these puppies stick around for a while and don't disappear or sag too much once breast feeding is over.

I love you boobs!

One Down, Two to Go

2008-12-27T08:59:00.000-08:00

Today I officially leave the first trimester. I never thought I'd get here and feared every day that the worst would happen. Even though I know no one is completely out of the woods until birth (heck how about ever?) I'm starting to let myself relax a little bit and feel a bit more secure in my pregnancy. Maybe I will get to have a baby in July.

Happy Holidays

2008-12-26T20:16:00.000-08:00

I hope everyone had a nice holiday. Ours was pretty hum drum.

Before it got taken down I wanted to share with everyone one of my neighbor's houses. This, my friends, is where Christmas goes to die.

Oh, but let's go closer, shall we.

I can't even begin to describe how heinous this light display is and sadly (or not) so many of the inflatables don't light up very well, and therefore don't photograph very well.

There was also music playing along-side several of the inflatables, music sounding like a Christmas carnival from hell.

May I also direct your attention to one inflatable that was one of no less than five inflatables featuring penguins. We are talking penguins dancing around a Christmas tree with Santa, penguins riding a carousel with Frosty, penguins riding a ferris wheel with Rudolph, and a penguin playing in a band with a polar bear.

10 points if you name the problem I have with penguins hanging out with polar bears. Penguins hanging out with Santa, well I can overlook that.

Anyway, Alex took video. If he puts it on YouTube, I'll share.

Nuchal Translucency, Over

2008-12-23T19:35:00.000-08:00

I had my NT scan and genetic counseling today. I have to admit that I was pretty freaked about it. I kept having visions of missed miscarriages.

Luckily, baby was moving away in there and hanging out partially upside down. The doctor had a heck of a time getting baby into a good position to get measurements but was able to finally.

0.9mm

And here is where I sigh a big sigh of relief. Now I just have to wait to see what the blood work says but I'm thinking with that measurement I may be able to avoid an amnio.

I also heard the heartbeat for the first time (147bpm) and the quick woosh, woosh, woosh made me tear up. What a great sound! It totally made me and my mom (who was with me since DH couldn't) cry. I love you little baby.

We will do the quad screening in a few weeks and will also be having a fetal echo cardiogram within weeks 20-22 due to heart issues on Alex's side. I'll have to go to Stanford for that.

And last but not least here is my tardy 12 week bloat belly pic.

I will say that while my bloat seems to be down greatly in the day from what it was, everything is much rounder in general. Pants are not my friend but sweats, pajamas, and my new elastic waist New York and Co. pants are.

I've Been Tagged

2008-12-16T20:53:00.000-08:00

Callie got me.

1) Choose the 4th picture folder on your computer

2) Choose the 4th picture

3) Explain the picture

4)Tag 4 other people

Landscape with Open Gate, 1630 by Pieter Molijn

My fourth folder is an art folder as I love fine art. I can't remember exactly when I first saw this piece (most likely around 10 years ago)but I fell in love with it at first sight. The movement in it is amazing.

Arg, now I have to tag 4 people but I think most everyone has been tagged already. No fair.

Predictions

2008-12-14T19:19:00.000-08:00

So many of these boy/girl web "prediction" sites are ridiculous but I figured I might as well put them all in one place to laugh over and see if any of them are actually right.

Madame Zaritska

The day you deliver, outside will be warm. Your baby will arrive in wee hours of the morning .

After a labor lasting approximately 6 hours, your child, a girl, will be born. Your baby will weigh about 7 pounds, 15 ounces, and will be 18 inches long. This child will have light blue eyes and a little patch of brown hair.

Baby Gender Predictor
Girl

Just Mommies Gender Quiz
Girl

Babyman Predictor
Boy

Sex Ratio Study
Girl

This one is kind of cool. Supposedly less dominant women tend to have more girls. That would work for all the women in my family where they all have girls and were all married to uber dominant guys.

Bump Chinese Gender Chart
Girl

Baby Gender Predictor Test
Boy

Biorhythm = Girl
Swinging ring test = Girl
My students = Girl

So we'll see...

Telling Grammy

2008-12-12T21:29:00.000-08:00

My 88 year old Grammy has been feeling really depressed lately. She is staying in this shithole convalescent hospital while her new place is being built. I can't believe it hasn't been condemned yet and am so mad she has to be there. It's so bad that she doesn't even want to hold on to life anymore. I decided I would tell her about the baby today rather than wait for Christmas to cheer her up.

To surprise her I put a copy of my U/S in a gift card box and gave it to her. She just looked at it for a while asking, "what is this?"

Finally she got it and sobbed. I have never seen my grandmother cry like that. I don't even remember her crying like that when my Pompy died. She just held on to me and cried saying she had prayed and prayed for a miracle. Well it was a miracle and I was so glad to be able to tell her about it. She said that she now has a reason to hold on.

One of my biggest fears with my IF was, that if I ever had a child, that they wouldn't get to meet or know my grandmother so this was a day I had been waiting for for a long time.

10 Weeks

2008-12-04T18:46:00.000-08:00

I may be 10 weeks but I don't think I look it. Is this normal? Alex thinks it is hilarious and makes all sorts of jokes and comments. I think any more eating comments and I'm going to eat his face.

Really, I am not eating any more than I normally do since I've always been a big eater. Anyway, I've pretty much given up on wearing any of my normal pants without them being both unbuttoned and partially unzipped. I've bought a couple pairs of maternity pants at Old Navy so we'll see how those work.

Work has been great in regards to me being pregnant. People at school are stoked for me and some of the kids can hardly stand it. Some of my 7th grade "babies" (I taught them in 2nd grade, 5th grade, and for 6th grade religion)run and hug me every day.

It's also extra hilarious that I ended up telling them the week I am teaching sex ed. to my fifth graders. One of my students said, "It's a good thing you are teaching this class since you are pregnant". LMAO. I guess she felt I could teach myself as we go. I do love teaching this unit, however, because I get to teach about how women's cycles really work. Awesome!

Introducing....

2008-12-01T18:13:00.000-08:00

Our gummy bear!

It's time to come clean to everyone. I just had my first appointment/ultrasound with my midwife in Santa Cruz. I met two of the three midwives and both were great. I was so very scared of what we might find on that ultrasound but luckily the baby was there in all it's gummy bear glory, it's heart beating away.

I feel so much better now and feel like I can bond much more now. I was honestly afraid to, hence the lack of blogs within the last few weeks. Obviously I'm still scared but today does help a lot.

My midwife was great. I like a woman who tells me to eat my lunch meat and sushi if I want to. I was a little frustrated that they wanted to stick with my LMP due date, 7/4/09 as I know when I ovulated giving me a due date of 7/1/09 and the baby is even measuring ahead at 10w1d, but oh well. As she said, it's better to pick a later date than an earlier one. We'll see if this kid wants to be a Canadian (Canada Day baby) or an American (Fourth of July baby). Either way it's pretty darn funny. In my head and on my tickers I'm going to keep it July 1st.

As a side note I am most proud of my introduction of my midwife/OB's office to the term "dildo cam". I used it with one of the midwives and the term immediately spread through the office. She lamented she couldn't use it with patients but cracked up all the same.

7 Weeks

2008-11-12T18:02:00.000-08:00

6 Weeks

2008-11-05T17:59:00.000-08:00

And I thought last week's bloat was bad! At this point my pants are not fitting in the least. It seems very early but what can I do?

5 weeks

2008-10-29T17:57:00.000-07:00

Can you say bloated?

Isn't it Ironic? Dontcha Think?

2008-10-21T19:54:00.000-07:00

(No longer Secret Squirrel Post)

Last week someone brought a bag of fortune cookies to work and left them out on the faculty room table. I ate one and low and behold there were four fortunes in it. This is what they said.

Doubt is a beautiful twilight that enhances every object.

and

The benefits of our efforts are not always obvious.

and

Listen these next few days to your friends to get answers you seek.

and

You will be singled out for a special promotion within the month.

Yeah...that's what I said.

Dear Baby Mine

2008-10-19T17:48:00.000-07:00

3w4d

Dear Baby,

I have waited so long for you. So long that I could hardly believe it when I saw those two pink lines that told me you existed. It was so hard to believe and you were such a miracle, that it took three days and three tests for it to sink in. And although you are only the size of a poppyseed or something rediculously small like that, I love you as if you were already in my arms.

So here we go Baby, off on a great journey together. I'll make a deal with you. I'll take whatever you dish at me as long as you stick around. These sore boobs, they're cake. The cramping, I have to admit it freaks me out but if it means you are just burrowing in tight, we're golden. I'm looking forward to morning sickness in a way because it'll feel all the more real. Crazy? I guess so.

I have to admit Baby that I am scared. As scared as I was thinking I'd never get to have you in the first place, I'm even more terrified to lose you. You are my miracle and I so very much want to be your mommy.

I have been waiting 36 years for you. That's a long, long time and there's a whole lotta love just waiting for you. May God bless you and keep the both of us in his hand.

I love you,

Mommy

Do You See What I see?

2008-10-19T15:37:00.000-07:00

9 DPO

10 DPO

11 DPO

Our Civic Duty

2008-10-15T06:54:00.000-07:00

My mom registered to vote last night for the first time in over 15 years. I had to take her to the Dem. headquarters to do so but she did it. I could have cried. I am proud of her because she is someone who has always said her vote doesn't matter because it's "just one vote". I finally got through to her that her vote does matter and that it is so important that she does vote, especially for local elections.

The folks at the headquarters were excited as well telling my mom that her daughter "did a great thing". Yay!

I also stopped by to visit my 88 year old grandma at her convalescent hospital. She gave me her ballot to mail and was so excited to be able to vote for Obama.
Keep in mind that my grandma, a product of her generation, hasn't always been the most tolerant person. In fact I've gotten mad at her for comments that I felt to be slighty bigoted. I guess I'm a loudmouth because I always tell her what I think.

On a bad note, one of my coworkers (one of the few non-catholics- read evangelical)sent a mass email to everyone on staff yesterday about the evils ofProp 8. At first I was shocked that she would send such a thing. Then I got angry and had to force myself not to reply all and kick her ass. I have a step child who identifies as a lesbian and personaly I was insulted beyond belief to receive this garbage. Who is to say she can't marry in the future. Who is to say she can't be given the rights as any other lame-o on the planet. Gay folks marrying doesn't impact or change my marriage one bit. Ugh I'd go on but I'm getting too pissed off.

Anyway, yay for my family, boo for my coworker.

RIP Henri

2008-10-09T17:12:00.001-07:00

Sweet Henri pased away today. I found him when I came home from work. I feel even more sad than normal because he had to die alone. Most of my ratties have passed as I held them. I just hope he didn't suffer.

My poor, sweet baby...I will miss his ratty kisses, his cuddles, and even how he smelled of caramel corn.

I let Tristan see him before I took him to the vet to be cremated and he wouldn't leave Henri's body alone. He kept licking his brother and trying to groom him. It was so sad.

"Find Us a Dream that Don't Ask No Questions"

2008-09-29T17:07:00.001-07:00

I survived the Neil Diamond concert with my mom, i.e she didn't say anything stupid and we had a good time.

For those of you who have never been to a Neil Diamond concert I must say you are missing out on prime people watching. For a dude in his mid 60's, Neil's got some pretty diverse fans. You have your trotted out cougars, double fisting drinks and falling all over themselves and Neil; older couples reliving their beginnings; families with little kids in tow(wha huh?); dudes with their friends and their moms; and believe it or not tons of young girls in their twenties.

The cougars were incredibly entertaining what with all their trips to the bar and tacky clothing and all.

What wasn't entertaining was the slore sitting in front of me with her boyfriend. Girlfriend had to be in her late 20's and was flipping her hair around like no tomorrow. Seriously, it was irritating. The HP Pavilion in San Jose does not give you tons of leg room and every time she flicked her long hair it would hit my leg, my popcorn, or my beer. Ewwwww. Besides that she and her boyfriend kept hugging on each other and would bang their arms into my legs. I was ready to knock a bitch out.

The poor guy sitting next to her, when she got up to dance a few times she was dancing with her butt in his face. She was one of those hip swayers and poor guy looked like he was trying to crawl over his wife's lap to get away. That was amusing but probably only because it wasn't directed at me.

Anyway, the concert was great except for the 80's tunes. I'm sorry, I just can't stomach 80's era Neil. I'm a Live at the Greek purist. I could have shoved an ice pick in my ear during America, Forever in Blue Jeans, or You Don't Bring me Flowers. Thank the Lord he didn't sing Heartlight. I would have had to go purchase another beer for that one.

For those that love Neil I bring to you my crappy Sweet Caroline video. I was being a bad girl doing it when I wasn't even supposed to have a camera, but see how much I love you?

We had kick ass center seats but sadly, with my camera it seems so far away. You can also see swaying irritating people in front of us. That was hair flip girl and her bald headed boyfriend.

And You Call Yourself Family?

2008-09-28T10:45:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a bitch.

Even though I had been spotting for days and my temps were down I still had a tiny bit of hope. That was crushed at 3 am when I woke up with cramps so bad I could have ripped my uterus out and not cared.

Cycle 19 staring me in the face. Joy! Knowing that cycle 19 is already a dud due to Alex being out of town three or four days before I O, was another reason to be depressed. His sperm can hardly last an hour, they certainly won't last three days.

Yesterday we were travelling to the Bay Area to my cousin's little girl's 4th birthday. I had to stop in Target to get her a b'day present and had to steel myself against the onslaught of pregnant bellies and little ones. Blech. Sometimes I hate Target. Yesterday was one of those days.

We get to the party and everything is fine. Both my cousins (who are like my sisters) have two kids each, a boy and a girl. My mother fawns on them, as does most everyone else.

At one point I'm looking at this baby doll that belongs to Taylor, the birthday girl. It is hideous. Seriously, I don't think I've seen an uglier baby doll. First, off it's huge. No newborn is that size. It's the size of a small linebacker, or at least an overweight one year old. Secondly, it's molded face is awful. It would give most people the creeps. As a joke I covered it's face with its hat and placed it face down in the moses basket it was in. No big deal. Alex and my step daughter were laughing because they thought it was scary too.

I guess my mom was watching be because she looks at me and says,

"No wonder you don't have any kids"

Has that sunk in yet? Yeah, that's what I thought too. I slowly got up off the couch and ran outside so I could sob. Alex ran out to hold me and just let me cry.

WTH! She knew I had just started my period. She knows what I am going through. She has gone to RE appointments with me when my husband couldn't and cried with me when I got bad results. She fucking knew better.

Later, I try to compose myself and return to the party. My mom comes over to apologize but then says, "Kathy (my aunt) says I didn't say anything wrong". What a way to apologize mom. I could give a crap what my aunt thinks. Of course she doesn't think my mom said anything wrong. She doesn't have any clue what it is like to have IF daughters. She doesn't understand IF at.all.

My younger cousin takes me aside and tries to comfort me, which was surprising and very nice considering she was a total bitch that we have hardly talked to her in a year and a half since she didn't go to our wedding (it's a long story). I thought she knew about our IF because my mom had told my aunt and my other cousin so I thought Jill would have known as well. Guess she didn't or didn't think too hard about it.

She didn't understand, of course, and proceeded to tell me how she had two abortions (I knew about one) and when she couldn't get knocked up with a couple different boyfriends after seven years, she thought God was punishing her. Uhhhhhh. I just sat there nodding. I know she was trying to help so I didn't go off on her. Sometimes I think they only people who know how to help and what to say are those going through it themselves.

Anyway, long story short, we rode home in silence. I was still too pissed at my mom to talk. I hadn't talked to her the rest of the night while we were at the party. Once we got home I sat in the car and talked to her. She just cried and cried. See, my mom holds everything in and doesn't tell people when they upset her. I'm the opposite. I have to let it out or it eats me up. She has a hard time with that. She said she didn't mean to say that, that it came out wrong. She took me telling her that what she said was, "one of the cruelest things she could say" to mean that she, herself was cruel. She didn't see that telling me my aunt's comment sounded like an excuse for her behavior. She thinks she doesn't know what to say to me anymore because I get upset a lot.

Yet another reason why IF sucks.

At the end we ended up being ok. We needed to be because today I'm talking her to a Neil Diamond concert.

The Spaniard in Me is Insulted

2008-09-18T20:02:00.000-07:00

Dear Senator McCain, this is Prime Minister Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero.

He lives here:

Not here:

You idiot.

Do you now want to attack Spain too?

Drill, Drill, Drill

2008-09-11T13:23:00.000-07:00

I love Eve Ensler. I have had the honor of seeing her perform her play The Good Body at ACT in San Francisco. It was amazing and such a powerful statement of how women perceive their bodies and self worth. Some of you may recognize her as the playwrite of The Vagina Monologues. Today I read this commentary she wrote on Sarah Palin and wanted to share it.

Found in the Huffington Post

Drill, Drill, Drill
by Eve Ensler
Posted September 8, 2008 01:18 PM (EST)

I am having Sarah Palin nightmares. I dreamt last night that she was a member of a club where they rode snowmobiles and wore the claws of drowned and starved polar bears around their necks. I have a particular thing for Polar Bears. Maybe it's their snowy whiteness or their bigness or the fact that they live in the arctic or that I have never seen one in person or touched one. Maybe it is the fact that they live so comfortably on ice. Whatever it is, I need the polar bears.

I don't like raging at women. I am a Feminist and have spent my life trying to build community, help empower women and stop violence against them. It is hard to write about Sarah Palin. This is why the Sarah Palin choice was all the more insidious and cynical. The people who made this choice count on the goodness and solidarity of Feminists.

But everything Sarah Palin believes in and practices is antithetical to Feminism which for me is part of one story -- connected to saving the earth, ending racism, empowering women, giving young girls options, opening our minds, deepening tolerance, and ending violence and war.

I believe that the McCain/Palin ticket is one of the most dangerous choices of my lifetime, and should this country chose those candidates the fall-out may be so great, the destruction so vast in so many areas that America may never recover. But what is equally disturbing is the impact that duo would have on the rest of the world. Unfortunately, this is not a joke. In my lifetime I have seen the clownish, the inept, the bizarre be elected to the presidency with regularity.

Sarah Palin does not believe in evolution. I take this as a metaphor. In her world and the world of Fundamentalists nothing changes or gets better or evolves. She does not believe in global warming. The melting of the arctic, the storms that are destroying our cities, the pollution and rise of cancers, are all part of God's plan. She is fighting to take the polar bears off the endangered species list. The earth, in Palin's view, is here to be taken and plundered. The wolves and the bears are here to be shot and plundered. The oil is here to be taken and plundered. Iraq is here to be taken and plundered. As she said herself of the Iraqi war, "It was a task from God."

Sarah Palin does not believe in abortion. She does not believe women who are raped and incested and ripped open against their will should have a right to determine whether they have their rapist's baby or not.

She obviously does not believe in sex education or birth control. I imagine her daughter was practicing abstinence and we know how many babies that makes.

Sarah Palin does not much believe in thinking. From what I gather she has tried to ban books from the library, has a tendency to dispense with people who think independently. She cannot tolerate an environment of ambiguity and difference. This is a woman who could and might very well be the next president of the United States. She would govern one of the most diverse populations on the earth.

Sarah believes in guns. She has her own custom Austrian hunting rifle. She has been known to kill 40 caribou at a clip. She has shot hundreds of wolves from the air.

Sarah believes in God. That is of course her right, her private right. But when God and Guns come together in the public sector, when war is declared in God's name, when the rights of women are denied in his name, that is the end of separation of church and state and the undoing of everything America has ever tried to be.

I write to my sisters. I write because I believe we hold this election in our hands. This vote is a vote that will determine the future not just of the U.S., but of the planet. It will determine whether we create policies to save the earth or make it forever uninhabitable for humans. It will determine whether we move towards dialogue and diplomacy in the world or whether we escalate violence through invasion, undermining and attack. It will determine whether we go for oil, strip mining, coal burning or invest our money in alternatives that will free us from dependency and destruction. It will determine if money gets spent on education and healthcare or whether we build more and more methods of killing. It will determine whether America is a free open tolerant society or a closed place of fear, fundamentalism and aggression.

If the Polar Bears don't move you to go and do everything in your power to get Obama elected then consider the chant that filled the hall after Palin spoke at the RNC, "Drill Drill Drill." I think of teeth when I think of drills. I think of rape. I think of destruction. I think of domination. I think of military exercises that force mindless repetition, emptying the brain of analysis, doubt, ambiguity or dissent. I think of pain.

Do we want a future of drilling? More holes in the ozone, in the floor of the sea, more holes in our thinking, in the trust between nations and peoples, more holes in the fabric of this precious thing we call life?

Well, We are Still Here

2008-09-10T07:36:00.000-07:00

Neener, neener. Of course now I'm exhausted.

Alex and I stayed up to watch the webcast but it was down. Seems like the brilliant scientists didn't consider that there would be thousands of people interested in such a webcast causing crashes and error messages. You'd think they would have had the foresight to have mirror sites up.

Of course this morning I noticed they do now. Either way that was lame to stay up and not get to see/hear anything.

The first beam was successful. They sent protons around both ways. Sadly, they didn't do any collisions. I guess we'll have to wait for that black hole another day...LOL

Particle Physics is Supa Dupa Fly

2008-09-09T15:35:00.000-07:00

5, 4, 3, 2, ....

No, we are not going to be swallowed up in a black hole. And if we were, we wouldn't even know it was happening. Regardless, the hype of the danger of CERN's LHC (Large Hadron Collider) is silly. My husband is silly too because he actually sort of believes everything will end tonight at midnight. I will be sitting on the couch next to him, watching the live streaming on the big screen TV, and laughing my ass off.

All in all, I think it is amazingly cool and I won't even pretend to understand much in the ways of particle or theoretical physics. What I do know is that these experiments could change the way we think of the world, the Big Bang, and honestly change the field of science all-together.

So ATLAS, ALICE, and CMS; do your stuff! I can't wait to see what you find...even if I'll be exhausted tomorrow.

As an add on for the science geeks out there...this is too funny. I've even shared it with my fifth graders though it went way over their heads.

Liar, Liars, Pants on Fire

2008-09-04T09:37:00.000-07:00

Just read this and thought it was too good not to pass on.

I couldn't watch all of the drivel on TV last night, it was making our stomachs churn. Hoever, I caught bits of them, did read a lot of the speeches online and have been following the analysts and whatnot. That said, I caught many of these comments and thought, whoa they are lying through their teeth. The comment about Palin getting more votes than Biden is the most laughable and interestingly enough, the biggest lie.

From: AP link

Attacks, praise stretch truth at GOP convention
By JIM KUHNHENN, Associated Press Writer

Wed Sep 3, 11:48 PM ET

ST. PAUL, Minn. - Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin and her Republican supporters held back little Wednesday as they issued dismissive attacks on Barack Obama and flattering praise on her credentials to be vice president. In some cases, the reproach and the praise stretched the truth.

Some examples:

PALIN: "I have protected the taxpayers by vetoing wasteful spending ... and championed reform to end the abuses of earmark spending by Congress. I told the Congress 'thanks but no thanks' for that Bridge to Nowhere."

THE FACTS: As mayor of Wasilla, Palin hired a lobbyist and traveled to Washington annually to support earmarks for the town totaling $27 million. In her two years as governor, Alaska has requested nearly $750 million in special federal spending, by far the largest per-capita request in the nation. While Palin notes she rejected plans to build a $398 million bridge from Ketchikan to an island with 50 residents and an airport, that opposition came only after the plan was ridiculed nationally as a "bridge to nowhere."

PALIN: "There is much to like and admire about our opponent. But listening to him speak, it's easy to forget that this is a man who has authored two memoirs but not a single major law or reform — not even in the state senate."

THE FACTS: Compared to McCain and his two decades in the Senate, Obama does have a more meager record. But he has worked with Republicans to pass legislation that expanded efforts to intercept illegal shipments of weapons of mass destruction and to help destroy conventional weapons stockpiles. The legislation became law last year. To demean that accomplishment would be to also demean the work of Republican Sen. Richard Lugar of Indiana, a respected foreign policy voice in the Senate. In Illinois, he was the leader on two big, contentious measures in Illinois: studying racial profiling by police and requiring recordings of interrogations in potential death penalty cases. He also successfully co-sponsored major ethics reform legislation.

PALIN: "The Democratic nominee for president supports plans to raise income taxes, raise payroll taxes, raise investment income taxes, raise the death tax, raise
business taxes, and increase the tax burden on the American people by hundreds of billions of dollars."

THE FACTS: The Tax Policy Center, a think tank run jointly by the Brookings Institution and the Urban Institute, concluded that Obama's plan would increase after-tax income for middle-income taxpayers by about 5 percent by 2012, or nearly $2,200 annually. McCain's plan, which cuts taxes across all income levels, would raise after tax-income for middle-income taxpayers by 3 percent, the center concluded.

Obama would provide $80 billion in tax breaks, mainly for poor workers and the elderly, including tripling the Earned Income Tax Credit for minimum-wage workers and higher credits for larger families.

He also would raise income taxes, capital gains and dividend taxes on the wealthiest. He would raise payroll taxes on taxpayers with incomes above $250,000, and he would raise corporate taxes. Small businesses that make more than $250,000 a year would see taxes rise.

MCCAIN: "She's been governor of our largest state, in charge of 20 percent of America's energy supply ... She's responsible for 20 percent of the nation's energy supply. I'm entertained by the comparison and I hope we can keep making that comparison that running a political campaign is somehow comparable to being the executive of the largest state in America," he said in an interview with ABC News' Charles Gibson.

THE FACTS: McCain's phrasing exaggerates both claims. Palin is governor of a state that ranks second nationally in crude oil production, but she's no more "responsible" for that resource than President Bush was when he was governor of Texas, another oil-producing state. In fact, her primary power is the ability to tax oil, which she did in concert with the Alaska Legislature. And where Alaska is the largest state in America, McCain could as easily have called it the 47th largest state — by population.

MCCAIN: "She's the commander of the Alaska National Guard. ... She has been in charge, and she has had national security as one of her primary responsibilities," he said on ABC.

THE FACTS: While governors are in charge of their state guard units, that authority ends whenever those units are called to actual military service. When guard units are deployed to Iraq or Afghanistan, for example, they assume those duties under "federal status," which means they report to the Defense Department, not their governors. Alaska's national guard units have a total of about 4,200 personnel, among the smallest of state guard organizations.

FORMER ARKANSAS GOV. MIKE HUCKABEE: Palin "got more votes running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska than Joe Biden got running for president of the United States."

THE FACTS: A whopper. Palin got 616 votes in the 1996 mayor's election, and got 909 in her 1999 re-election race, for a total of 1,525. Biden dropped out of the race after the Iowa caucuses, but he still got 76,165 votes in 23 states and the District of Columbia where he was on the ballot during the 2008 presidential primaries.

FORMER MASSACHUSETTS GOV. MITT ROMNEY: "We need change, all right — change from a
liberal Washington to a conservative Washington! We have a prescription for every American who wants change in Washington — throw out the big-government liberals, and elect John McCain and Sarah Palin."

THE FACTS: A Back-to-the-Future moment. George W. Bush, a conservative Republican, has been president for nearly eight years. And until last year, Republicans controlled Congress. Only since January 2007 have Democrats have been in charge of the House and Senate

Now, I'm not saying the left doesn't stretch the truth but come on, the right did nothing but play on fear and sling mud and insults last night. Where is the substance? Where are the issues? What is your platform? Redamndiculous.