Sebastian at Eight Weeks

You may have noticed we missed a week, Sebastian at seven weeks, and to be honest there wasn't anything to write about. We packed and when we were done with that packing, we packed some more. Sadly the packing extended into Sebastian's next week which I'm sure wasn't fun for him and certainly wasn't for us. In fact I'm fairly certain it was hellish all around. My mom helped us yet again but it still was very difficult for me to get anything done.

I wore my Moby every now and again when Sebastian would freak out and refuse to sleep. This night he would go to sleep only to wake up as soon as we put him down. We both are as frazzled as we look in this pic.

He has taken to facing outward in the Moby. I know he is a bit young for it but has great head control to do so (ok, obviously not while sleeping) we face him outward every now and again. He loves being able to see everything.

Eventually moving day (Monday) came and we pulled an all-nighter getting everything in the truck. I purged a lot of stuff because it just wouldn't fit and much of it I didn't need anyway. How did I accumulate so much crap?

The apartment was so cold and empty and the only stick of furniture available to sit on was an old chair we were going to be dumping. My mom ended up having to sit with Sebastian in this lone chair while he slept.

And then, at 6 am, it was time to say goodbye to Alex and head off to my mom's house. This was sad all around. I hate having to be separated from him and hate that Sebastian has to be too. Sebastian gave his daddy tons of smiles as he put us in the car which made us all cry.

It's been tough going at Gramma's but getting easier. Sebastian has had some moments where he cries and cries, so much so he stops breathing. One day, as I was trying to repaint the apartment, he wouldn't even let my mom hold him. He would freak out if I wasn't holding him. I think he thought I was going to disappear like daddy. I understand his sadness. He's away from the only home he knows and away from all of his stuff and his daddy. We have a couple more weeks so hopefully things will get better.

Other Sebastian cuteness

Oooh let's wag our fingers at all the no no's in this picture. Baby sleeping in an adult bed, check. With blankets and pillows, check. On his tummy, check. Super happy, comfy, napping baby, double check.

Happiness is discovering you and your baby have matching socks.


I love you too, Sebastian!

Moving is no fun.

What is Lost, is Now Found

Sometimes life has a way of pulling people apart and throwing them under the bus and sometimes it can bring people together in the craziest of ways.

There have been a couple people in my life who have been repeatedly lost and found. Both of them very special to me and life impacting. The loss of both of them caused me many hours of repeated Googling and yes, even some tears as I failed to find them.

One of those people, my high school best friend, I reconnected with again through Facebook the holy grail of connectedness. She actually found me as I guess we had both been looking for each other.

The second of these people was found two nights ago, something I never thought would happen. My dear friend Catherine called me from Boise to tell me that she had found our friend Tim. Tim had been lost years ago and she and I had been Googling him ever since, every few months to see if we could find him.

Tim was one of those people who seemed imposing at first. Intense and lanky and standing at 6'5, he might kind of freak people out if they didn't know him. If you had the honor of getting to know him you quickly found out what an awesome guy he was. He would do anything for his friends and was there for me at times when no one else would.

I lost Tim the first time to meth. A few of my friends, theatre and otherwise, started using recreationally and some of them disappeared into the fog of it, one even died because of it and other addictions. Tim was one of those people who dissappeared. It didn't help that all of us in our group were going our separate (though not permanent) ways.

My ex-husband and I ran into Tim one night at a club. I hadn't seen Tim for quite some time at this point. He was on the edge of despair that night. He had been sober but was about to start using again. Since we were involved in the rave scene at that time we invited him to go to a party with us the next weekend and he said yes. At the time he said the "scene" changed his life and maybe it did in a way. It brought him back into my life for sure.

Later, his life was to change again when his mom died. She had emphyzema and died in his care. That really threw him and he sold the house, took out all of his money (helping lots of people on the way because that's how he is)and hit the road. I figure he was wanting to find himself.

He would send me letters and call every now and again, telling me where he was and what adventure he was having. The letters started worrying me though as it became apparent he was running out of money and finding himself in less than ideal situations. Eventually, the calls and letters stopped. Last I knew Tim was in New Orleans around Katrina. I had received a letter and a pretty necklace about a year before or so and then he was gone. After Katrina I searched and searched for him hoping he was on some survivors list or any kind of list at all.

So Cath calls me and tells me that she had Googled Tim and that she found this website PimpThisBum.com and that our friend Tim is the subject of it. She also said he was all over the news. After our conversation I look and see that she is correct. Tim is all over the AP, CNN even, and yes, the subject of a website called Pimp this Bum.

Can Web site offer homeless man hope?
By MONICA RHOR, Associated Press Writer

Saturday, March 7, 2009

(03-07) 16:49 PST HOUSTON (AP) --

Until a few weeks ago, Tim Edwards was just another one of the men begging for change at a busy Houston underpass, ignored by most drivers who sped on past without a glance.

Now, thanks to an Internet marketing campaign and unlikely allies, Edwards has become the human face of homelessness to thousands of online viewers drawn to his Web site by its deliberately controversial name — Pimp This Bum.

During regular Webcasts, dozens of visitors to www.pimpthisbum.com/ ask questions about Edwards' life and his slow fall from office manager with a home, a car, and a future to an outcast short of hope and with little prospect of help.

The Web site also is a venue where visitors can donate money, services and goods to help Edwards yank himself out of homelessness.

Some homeless advocates say it makes Edwards a victim of exploitation, but the organizers say that edgy tone is what makes the project succeed.

"We wanted to insult people's sensitivities so that they would go to the site and see Tim, and people seem to have fallen in love with him. He's funny and doesn't blame the world for his situation," said Kevin Dolan, 55, a marketing specialist from the Houston suburb of Katy who started the Web site with his 24-year-old son, Sean.

If the site had been called "Help the Homeless," many Web surfers might just have clicked on past, says Sean.

The Dolans had initially set out to test an advertising campaign and generate publicity for their new Internet marketing business. They planned to promote a mom-and-pop business, until Sean suggested using the Web site to do some good.

Now visitors to the Web site are getting to know Edwards beyond the stereotype of an anonymous group labeled "The Homeless."

"I'm the world's first online bum," jokes Edwards, a lanky, bearded 37-year-old who talks about life on the streets with a mix of dark humor and unvarnished honesty. "The whole idea of this project is to get people off the street. I'm the pioneer, but I've got friends behind me. If I don't get this right, it ain't gonna work for them."

The Web site features videos of Edwards and a photograph showing him with a hand-drawn, cardboard sign.

There's a "Donate" button where viewers can charge donations to their credit card. And some people have dropped by Edwards' regular panhandling spot to drop off food and fast-food gift cards — or just to shout hello.

This coming week, Edwards is scheduled to enter an alcohol detox program at the Seattle-based Sunray Treatment and Recovery, which is providing the $13,800, 35-day program free of charge. There are plans to air Webcasts as Edwards goes through the program.

Some homeless advocates say the Web site does little to address the underlying issues of homelessness. Even the name makes Anthony Love bristle.

"He is a person. His name is Tim. And to pimp anyone is not something I would endorse," said Love, president of the Coalition for the Homeless of Houston/Harris County.

The Web site also stirred up an Internet debate over the merits of the Dolans' approach. One blogger named KatDish commented: "Your impassioned pleas for helping Tim get off the street don't hold much weight when you ask him to hold up a sign that says "Pimp this Bum" and let people know he needs a Sharpie and a cheeseburger."

But Edwards says he roared with laughter when Sean Dolan nervously approached him with the idea of the Web site and the proposed name. It was a night in early February when he and several other homeless men were gathered beneath an underpass, "getting drunk like we always do."

At first, he wasn't sure if the Dolans were a threat or just do-gooders bringing food. Now he considers them an answer to a prayer.

"I asked God to make it rain and here come these guys. And I thought this is just crazy enough to work," he said.

Edwards had been mired in homelessness since Aug. 19, 2004 (he remembers the exact date), unable to shake severe alcoholism.

He has become skilled in the art of survival on the street: Keep to your own territory. Beg enough for the bare necessities — food, cigarettes, drink — then get off the corner. Learn who to trust and who to stay away from.

He has seen close friends die from years of addiction, from infections and from simple, intractable hopelessness. And he had come to the edge many times himself, once yearning to lay down and die.

Edwards says he has tried programs aimed at getting the homeless off the streets, but none have worked for him.

"Those programs work for some people, but for some, they don't. We're not 'The Homeless.' Not some monolithic group of people," said Edwards, as he nursed a cigarette and a beer swathed in a brown paper bag. "But this has brought me and my friends a lot of hope. I can't express in words how much hope it's brought us."

Edwards, who says his descent into homelessness began when he "turned his back on God" after the deaths of his mother and grandmother, says he is finally ready to begin detox and find the road back to normalcy. Not just for himself, but for others living on the street.

On Monday, in preparation for his trip to Seattle and his entry into rehab at Sunray, Edwards plans to shave his beard and trim his hair — a symbolic nod to the start of a new life.

It will be broadcast live on the Web site.

and

PimpThisBum.com employs irony on homeless man's behalf

By Tracy Sabo
CNN Senior Producer




HOUSTON, Texas (CNN) -- When Sean Dolan saw signs being carried by homeless people, he saw an opportunity.


Timothy Edwards was homeless for years in Houston, Texas, until he started carrying "Pimp This Bum" signs.

1 of 2 He and his father wanted to drive people to a Web site, so they created PimpThisBum.com as a marketing tool and gave a homeless man a sign with the Web site's address to hold while panhandling in Houston.

Their idea worked.

Visitors seeing the sign flocked to the site and in less than two months Dolan received $50,000 in donations and pledges through the site for the man, including a five-week alcohol treatment program donated by Sunray Treatment and Recovery based near Seattle, Washington. Watch how 'Pimp this bum' saved man »

"We knew that the same campaign with a sincere appeal and a Web site like helpthehomeless.com would be ignored," he said. "We knew that if we insulted people's sensitivity or appealed to their humor ­ on a subject as sensitive as this we would get their attention."

Kevin Dolan, with more than two decades of marketing and sales experience and his son, Sean, a Web-savvy college student with a small video camera and a passion for volunteer work, got the site off the ground with the help of Timothy Dale Edwards. He has been homeless and living under a busy Houston overpass for more than four years.

The Dolans' offer to Timothy Edwards would be a hard one for any homeless person to refuse: $100 cash per day guaranteed, perhaps even more if the campaign was successful. All Edwards had to do was carry a homemade sign advertising "www.PimpThisBum.com" while he panhandled each day.

For Edwards and his friends it was effortless -- they already carried signs reading, "Homeless, Please help" or "Hungry, Need a days work." Watch Edwards describe "I went through detox" »

And the Dolans promised monetary donations that came into the Web site would go straight to Edwards.
Those who visit can help Edwards directly by donating specific items to him: a cup of coffee, a ham sandwich, a razor, a newspaper subscription or even laser hair removal, karate lessons or a college education.

Edwards welcomes the task and insists he is not being exploited. For him, the donations are a welcome change in his life.

For years drugs and alcohol were his coping mechanisms, he says. He was told his father left the family when he was only 2 years old, and he says he's always felt no one ever cared about him.

But all that changed with the Dolans' offer.

"This is just crazy enough to work," Edwards said. "I'm drinking myself to death under a bridge. I'm watching my friends die left and right, so what have I got to lose?"

Edwards said he has spent years learning whom to trust and how to survive on the street. He's learned where it's safe to sleep and how to panhandle when intersections "are hittin'." Edwards sometimes rides the city bus just to stay warm and gathers a group of homeless friends together to rent a motel room just to be able to take a shower. He says homeless life is "boring, and ... mentally unstimulating," and he looks for ways to keep his brain "active."

"I try to read the paper. One lady came by and asked me if we needed something, so I said, 'Well, do you have a puzzle book?' Because we do crossword puzzles and Sudoku." Edwards said.

Looking back on how he got to this point is difficult.

"It's a pretty drawn-out story. I'd have to say it's probably mostly my fault. ... I made a lot of poor choices," Edwards said, his voice trailing. "I was filthy. I just didn't feel human anymore."

With this new project, Edwards' said, his life has new meaning. The name of the Web site means little to him.

The Dolans have received national attention for their first collaboration, but they also know the site's name is controversial. Edwards said he "cracked up" when Sean Dolan proposed the name for the Web site.

Not everyone thinks it's funny. Homeless advocates and other critics argue the Dolans' project serves little more purpose than exploitation.

Advocate Michael Faenva, who runs a shelter in Dallas, said, "In the end, this isn't a good strategy to address the problem of homelessness. ... It's not a strategy that's likely to bring help to very many."

Life has changed for Edwards since he began holding that sign.

His first step was to shave his beard, mustache and head. The act "was a symbolic act of change, and embracing the change and moving on to a new stage in my life," Edwards said.

His last drink was on March 10, before flying to Seattle accompanied by Sean Dolan to begin the comprehensive alcohol treatment program. He has completed the one-week "detox" program, and is now participating in five additional weeks of individual and group therapy classes.

"To everybody that thinks I am being exploited, I ask you to think again," Edwards said.

Sean Dolan is adamant: "Tim is now a friend." He describes the relationship as "one of the most meaningful friendships I've ever had."

Asked what does he say to the critics? "I tell them to donate ... and get on the Web ... just watch the outflow of support for Tim."

Edwards spends his rehab "free time" each night participating in the Web site's chat room, which is full of supportive messages like, "We love u Tim!," "Hang in there," and "Stay strong, people really do care."

Edwards has started a live nightly Webcast where he answers questions and thanks viewers for their interest and support.

"Rehab is a wonderful thing when you want it," Edwards told CNN during a Webcast. But it's also a lot of work. "The hard part is the mental and psychological stuff, rediscovering myself, so to speak, getting in touch with my heart and my head, and trying to figure out how to deal with life."

Edwards also is getting a crash course on the Internet and hopes it will help him in applying for jobs.

Edwards' newfound Internet outlet also gave him another surprise twist. One of the site's viewers happened to be a family member Edwards never knew. After being put in touch through the Web site's creators, Edwards learned that his father had not left the family as he thought, but instead had been searching for him for almost 35 years.

Edwards said he is learning more about that side of the family, and family members near Kansas City, Missouri, have become involved in looking for new opportunities and living assistance for him when he leaves Seattle.

Kevin Dolan said the project has not only opened new doors for Edwards but also for others like him. The Dolans recently started financial paperwork to create a nonprofit organization, and they hope to duplicate the "PimpThisBum.com" model in other cities. Two future "participants" have already been identified in Houston; one of them is a good friend of Edwards' named John.


On March 28, Edwards will spend his 38th birthday in rehab. He calls the Dolans' project "a blessing." He hopes to complete his treatment successfully, secure a job and find a home.

"I'm tired of laying down," he said. "I'm tired of giving up. ... This life is worth fighting for."

Needless to say, I was shocked. I hadn't searched for Tim since the beginning of the year (something about being immersed in pregnancy) and there he was, unearthed.

Seeing pictures and video of your friend like that is heartbreaking. Cath said she could barely watch it, it was so upsetting. For her it was even difficult to see the Tim we knew under all the grime and hair until you heard his voice, but for me I knew it was him right away. She was right about his voice though. Who he is shone through the rough exterior even in this most terrible of situations.

Tim is now 5 months sober, something I'm so very proud of and today marks his anniversary of homelessness. How he got there in the first place I'm not quite sure and I haven't asked yet. Somehow his wanderlust and adventure turned a wrong corner into despair and addiction. But, hopefully, he will continue to do well. I hope this anniversary isn't one to remind him of what was but help show him how far he has come. Cath and I will be celebrating with him virtually through his webcast tonight and hopefully supporting him as he had supported us in the past.

I love you Tim and I am so proud of you and all you have accomplished. You, my friend, are one of those people who are gold to those who love you.

Sebastian at Six Weeks and the Day We Went to Pixar

First things first, moving is so not cool with an infant, especially one that needs to be held all time. My mom has been a doll coming over to help but I have to stop and breastfeed Sebastian every hour and a half or so it's difficult. They've been able to spend some good time together though and for that I'm grateful.

They went for a walk using the Moby.



They read stories.



They shared lots of smiles. Sebastian seems to think Gramma is the silliest and smiles for her the most.



My mom is going to have an emotional breakdown when we leave for sure.

Unfortunately, packing is going uber slow and I'm freaked out that I only have 9 days to finish. I have so much crap, I don't know how it'll get done, nor do I know how it'll all fit in the U-haul.

Also, in other moving news, Alex is doing well on the job front. He has three interviews and four separate companies are highly interested in him and loved his resume. We also have a townhouse rental unless we find something we like better. Contracts will remain unsigned until Alex gets there.

The best part of our week happened on Tuesday when our family went to Pixar Studios. It all happened because we are huge ass nerds who loved Wall-E so much we got I heart Wall-E vanity plates.



Some dude followed Alex home one afternoon because he saw these plates. Turns out he works for Pixar and wanted to ask if he could take a picture of said plates and send it to his boss. His boss turned out to be Andrew Stanton who directed Wall-E, Finding Nemo, and A Bugs Life. He also wrote most of Pixar's films. Stanton went nuts for the license plate and, long story short, we were invited to Pixar.


The entry gates


Luxo, Jr. and the ball at the front of the main building. These are huge.

Now, I didn't take many pictures, sadly. Most areas I was not allowed to and the rest of the time I was breastfeeding Sebastian. Oh yes, even in Pixar.

For more pics than mine and of places I mention in this post check out:

Rotten Tomatoes Tours Pixar

Anyway we check in and are able to first tour the main lobby which is like an atrium. It's huge and light and airy. It was built by Steve Jobs who apparently was anal enough to have one brick wall demolished two times before it was good enough. He also had each bolt hand riveted rather than machine riveted. That's pretty nifty.

They have a cafe, a cereal bar where everything is free, a shop, and a mail room. There were various Pixar figures, lifesize and larger, around the lobby. Some employees were getting around on skateboards and these crazy mini skateboard things that were only big enough for one foot each and each with only two wheels.

We weren't able to go into the theater or screening rooms because all were occupied. As we were standing there the director of Toy Story 3 came out of one with all of his animators. That was pretty cool.

Like I said, much of the areas were closed off to us, like the head honcho's offices. We were told they used to use these garden sheds (like they sell at Orchard Supply)to store supplies but now they use them as office cubicles. At the link I posted you can see a picture of one of them.

Next we saw where some of the sound was recorded, though most is done at Lucas's Skywalker Ranch. On the wall were the signatures of people who had recorded there. Often employees get picked to be voice extras which is pretty neat. My favorite was the huge scrawl of the little boy who voiced Nemo.

Then we were able to go upstairs and check out the gallery. They always have concept art up for the current film which was UP. I felt bad saying I hadn't seen it yet but, shoot, I was busy having a baby. The concept art was crazy amazing. There were models and sculptures, and plenty of paintings and sketches. I loved the concept drawings of the scouts badges. Who wouldn't want to earn a badge for "sushi eating" and "money grubbing"? Hidden in different places were stickers of the badges that child visitors could find. They must have done the same for Ratatouille because sketches of rats were here and there in random places.



After seeing the gym, the pool, and the beach volleyball court, we headed down another hall to the "Renderfarm". This huge room was filled to the brim with lit up computer banks. I thought Alex was going to pee himself. Right at the front of the room was an original Pixar computer. Turns out they had to buy that one back on Ebay for a hell of a lot more than it was in the first place. Funny.

Throughout the building and in the offices we saw, there were tons of funny signs, jokes (a foot coming out from under one of the Renderfarm racks for example), and toys and more toys. I could not believe how many trinkets and toys there were. Some people even had couches and chandeliers in their offices. It really made for a fun and creative atmosphere.

Before we left we were given a bag of swag that Andrew Stanton left for us (He was filming in Utah). Kick ass. He gave us some Wall-E toys, notebooks, jackets, an art book printed especially for Academy members that was to persuade them to vote for Wall-E in the Academy Awards, and The Art of Wall-E book that he autographed.


Notice what he drew in Wall-E's hands

It was a pretty awesome day. I was glad Sebastian got to be a part of it even if he never will remember it. We have his Pixar visitor name tag to put into his baby book along with this picture he and I took next to Sully, who was very soft and furry.




In other Sebastian news, he's been smiling a lot more and each smile melts our hearts, making us gush and goo. We also have an approximate weight for him. I say approximate because since his next pedi appointment isn't until September 3, I had to try to get a weight at my 6 week postpartum appointment. I had them take my weight first (8lbs to go) and then take it again with me holding him. He weighs approximately 13 pounds! This figures seeing how he has grown out of his infant cloth diapers and out of his size one overnight disposables. He is fully in 0-3 clothes and who knows if some of those will last much longer.

Another highlight of our week was a fabulous Greek dinner with great friends. It was a goodbye of sorts, certainly the last time we'll be together until next August when Alicia and Ken get married. That thought made me cry. Sebastian was unhappy too bu mainly because he had been in the car most of the day driving back and forth to Santa Cruz for my appointment, driving back and forth from San Jose to go wedding dress shopping with Alicia before she heads back to Kiev, and then to the restaurant. He was a little trooper though.



Additional Sebastian cuteness of the week.


Couch nap with mama




Big smiles


Hanging out with Eve at David's Bridal right before he had a colossal blow out on Eve and the David's Bridal couch

Sebastian at Five Weeks

Where has this week gone? To be honest when I think back on what we've done I can't think of much.

Saturday was our usual shopping day.

Sunday was the baptism.

Monday we had his one month pictures taken.

Tuesday ?

Wednesday we went up to the Santa Cruz courthouse to get Sebastian's birth certificate from the county recorder. We were taking a chance on that since they wouldn't tell me if it was ready over the phone. Luckily it was there just not scanned. After I mentioned that we were in a time crunch due to moving they scanned it and made our copies. That was super nice of them.

Thursday ?

Friday, today, we took care of getting Sebastian's passport. Getting passport pics of an infant sucks! Thankfully the photographer chick was patient. She did visibly wilt when I asked for baby passport pics though, poor thing. It was also awkward filling out the paperwork. Hair...uhhh I think it's mostly blondish. Eyes...well they are grey at the moment. Anyway, that is done and now we wait. When he and I move is really dependant on the passport's arrival.

So that leaves us with two major bits of paperwork down (birth certificate and passport) and one to go (Canadian Born Abroad certificate). The later cannot be applied for until we get his passport so we may have to wait until we get to Canada.

My permanent residence card paperwork will also have to wait especially since it'll cost over a grand to get. So much paperwork! Ahhhhh!

One thing that has been cracking me up lately is Sebastian's love affair with my boobs. Now, obviously all breastfed babies love their mom's boobs but mine literally seem like his best friends. He'll pop off and rub his face all over them with this funny smile on his face. Then he'll use my boob as a pillow, sticking the nipple in his eye and happily drift off to sleep. I'm sorry it's not something I can show you. Alex and I just watch him and laugh.

He also likes to kick, specifically with his right foot. I've come to realize that this is what he would do when he was an inside baby. Every night I would get pummeled as his foot scraped along the inside of my ute, so hard I'd feel bruised. Well he does the same thing now as an outside baby. If it's 10-12pm he's fussy and kicking.

Silly little boy.

Baptism and Reaching a Month Old

Sunday was Sebastian's baptism day. Sadly the night before was a terrible one. He was up until 2am crying. We tried everything and I ended up swaddling him to get him to calm down. Actually, following The Happiest Baby on the Block's 5 S's worked. Needless to say we were sleepy on Sunday.

The baptism went great and was very special. Sebastian pretty much slept through the whole thing though he did nurse once during the service. He didn't even seem to mind the water being poured on his head. A little girl also being baptised screamed through the whole thing. Her parents looked mortified.

My fantastic, picture crazy cousin Kristin took pictures for us and was quite the paparazzi.


Nursing power! Proof I will feed my son anywhere






Me with my mom (Sebastian's Godmother)and Deacon Nick who performed the baptism.

Afterward we had cake and coffee at my grandmother's home. It was a nice time to spend with family.


My cousin Kristin's kids, Hunter and Taylor with Sebastian


My small family minus one cousin and her two kids


Partying is hard work

It was a great day and I was excited to bring my son into the Church. I am really grateful that Alex okayed it even though he is a stalwart atheist. He knew how important it was to me and was supportive of it from afar. My mom was also thrilled to pieces to be godmother and I couldn't have picked a better one. We were the lone Catholics in my family and sometimes it was hard being the only ones. My mom was the biggest supporter of my faith journey and I'm happy she can do that for my son.

Today was Sebastian's first month birthday and I wanted to commemorate it with pics. I've decided to get pics taken each month and will have month one and two taken at JCPenneys. There are no JCP in Canada so I'll have to find a different photo studio once we are there.

The pictures turned out pretty good for studio portraits. Our photographer has been working at that JCP for 25 years so she obviously has some skill. They do go crazy on the up sell but I'm not into all the fancy stuff so I got out of there spending less than $100. Poor Sebastian, he had a hard time though. He woke up early and was hungry which equals cranky. With those shoots you have only ten minutes so I couldn't stop to feed him. We made it through though.

Sebastian at Four Weeks

Another week has passed. Oh how the time has flown.

We had a social week. My wonderful friend Alicia is in town for a few weeks. She has been teaching in Kiev, oh so far away. The last time I saw her was last Christmas. That trip I was pregnant. This trip Sebastian is an outside baby and she is engaged. We spent a couple days shopping and hanging out. Wednesday we went up to San Jose to David's Bridal so Alicia could try on dresses. Poor Sebastian started to cry in the car and it was so heartbreaking because we were on Highway 17 where you cannot pull over. I had to try and soothe him with a pacifier (no go) rather than a boob. Oh man those baby tears streaming down made me so sad.

He did great in David's and hung out in the Moby most of the time. Alicia's consultant even took a picture of him with my camera because she thought he was so cute. He was sleeping as usual.



On another note, Alicia tried on a fantastic dress. Hopefully she decides to get it because she looked absolutely gorgeous. I'd post a pic but you never know who might be reading this ;)

This week has also been a bit frustrating for all of us. Poor little guy is going through a growth spurt and has been pretty fussy. Yesterday, Sebastian was on the boob all day and crying like crazy if he wasn't. He'd root around so I'd feed him. He'd pull off and nap for five minutes and then scream because he was hungry and it would start all over again. My poor boobs could hardly take it. Growth spurt = unhappy boobs.

Alex and I tried all sorts of things, shower, gripe water, bouncing, rocking... Finally to give my boobs a break we tried Sebastian's first bottle of expressed milk. At first he didn't take it but later, when Alex tried again, he did.

I sat like an ass crying. I want him to be able to take bottles from Alex, plus it would help me when he wants to nurse 24/7, however, I didn't expect to feel so sad about it. There he was, sucking away making his sweet little cooing sounds he makes when he breastfeeds and it killed me.

Alex was crying because I was. We were a mess.

Tonight, when we were changing Sebastian after a vomitapalooza, I put one of his Lamaze rattles on his arm for the first time. Oh my goodness he loved it. He just stared and stared at it and then started shaking his arm a bit.





He also showed love to his ducky this week which we captured in some super cute pics.



Nom, Nom, Nom



We have a busy weekend coming up with grocery day on Saturday and Sebastian's baptism on Sunday. I hope his growth spurt calms and he is a calm boy for church.

Here is some other random Sebastian cuteness.



After a shower with Daddy



Fluffy butt cuteness



Snuggling with Momma

Sebastian at Three Weeks

Oh my goodness, my sweetheart is three weeks old today. Time is flying by and I don't like it.

This week was a week of changes for Sebastian. It was as if he woke up out of his newborn fog and has been much more active and awake.


Playing with daddy

This would also include more crankiness as well. I think the poor little guy just has gas issues. In fact he has graced us with poop, pee, and vomit showers. Ahhh parenthood. Luckily, he loves taking showers with daddy which is where he ends up after the bad episodes. A clean baby is a snuggy baby. He continues being my snuggle bug which I adore.

At the beginning of the week my mom came over and we walked about a mile. Sebastian came along in the Moby and we stopped at a park along the way. We even spent a few minutes on the swings. Sebastian didn't seem to be too excited and slept the whole time.



He looks so small in this picture but in reality he is not. We measured him last night and he was 23 inches! Two inches up from birth. Who knows how much he weighs but he is growing out of some of his clothes including his cloth prefolds. Yikes!

He is amazing with holding his head up. We had his first tummy time (bad mommy not taking any pics) and he kept working his neck. Of course he's been great with that since birth.

We also had a nice visit from my great friend Jennifer and her daughter Scarlett. They brought Sebastian a duck lovey and he took it out to visit Grandma today. It made a good pillow.

Sebastian at Two Weeks

Little boy is already two weeks! This last week went fast since we had a few appointments at the beginning of the week and have just been busy.

Saturday my mom and I went to our baptism class which is required for Sebastian to get baptised next month. People couldn't believe he was only 8 days old. One mom thought he was a month. Umm no, he's just a big boy. He did great during the two hour class and slept most of the time after eating briefly. I had to change him before we left and he ended up peeing all over the table. I thought for sure Alex would love that.

Sunday Alex and I ran some errands with Sebastian and he had his first restaurant experience. He slept through most of it though I did have to change him on his changing pad on the bathroom floor (no counters or chairs). He screamed bloody murder and I'm sure patrons thought I was torturing my baby. Poor little guy.

It must have been baby day at the restaurant because there were two other babies there. One couple sat next to us with their daughter in her carrier/stroller the whole time. She looked super small so I asked the mom how old she was. She was two months. Holy Moly! Sebastian was double her size.



Monday we visited a lactation consultant so I could get some help with Sebastian's latch. He doesn't open his mouth very wide so he kills me. The LC does this cool thing where she weighs the babies before they eat and then afterwards to get an idea of how much they eat. Sebastian ate 3oz out of one boob in about 30 min. Craziness. Like I've said, he loves boobs.

Next we went to Sebastian's first pediatrician appointment. Everything looked great though we do need to keep an eye on one of his testicles since it hadn't descended yet. He weighed 9 lbs 6 oz which is awesome for him being 10 days old at the time. Our pedi is really awesome. I wish we could take him to Canada with us.

Afterwards we visited my Grammy so she could see Sebastian for the first time. She was so excited to see and hold him. It really was the sweetest thing. I'm sad that she won't be able to see him very much so these visits we are able to have are all the more special.




Thursday we had my maternity shoot photographer come to the apartment to take newborn pictures of Sebastian. I can't wait to see the proofs. I think she got some awesome shots. As she said, he was a rock star and let her pose him in all sorts of poses.

I do have a little rock star and man, do I love him.

Sebastian at One Week

To My Beloved Son on his One Week Birthday,

Sebastian, I cannot believe it's been a week since you entered our lives and I first got to hold you in my arms. It was that moment, at 12:42, where I felt this overwhelming, instant love for you. I didn't expect it to be like that, but there you were so perfect and beautiful, and you were mine.

The first week has gone so very fast, a sign of how things will be, I know. Time is fleeting especially when you are with those you love. The first day we were home together you and I were resting in bed together. You were nestled in the crook of my arm, breathing your sweet breath on me and all I could do was stroke your gorgeous head and cry. If only you could be tiny forever so I could carry you with me where ever I went for the rest of my life. Pretty silly idea, huh?

Not too silly I guess when the physical you is even more magical than the idea of you I carried with me for 40 weeks and 2 days.

One of my good friends says the love I have for you will get stronger and stronger. How can that be knowing how I feel now when I hold your tiny hand, kiss your velvety head, or stroke your soft cheek. Surely I'll burst.

So, my beautiful boy, what will the next 40 weeks bring, the next 40 years? There is so much I wish and hope for you. I wish you have a life of love, laughter, and happiness, a life of peace and understanding of those around you. I wish you adventure and fulfillment. Because I know pain is inevitable, I wish you only sadness you can withstand and that which makes you stronger. I hope for you to know that I love you more than life itself and always will.

Happy Birthday Lovey B.

Love, Mama

I have been trying to keep working on Sebastian's baby book but it can be very hard to find time when I'm feeding him and holding him so much. There is a section where Alex and I write letters to Sebastian. I guess we were supposed to write them before his arrival but I lag and so I wrote it last night around 30 min before his 1 week birthday. I think I may just start a tradition and write him one every year for him to read when he's older. Yeah, I'm a sap.

We had a lazy week of just getting to know each other, not that I felt like going out and about and being real active. My stitches are just now feeling tolerable. The beginning of the week was just torture on my crotch and it was so hard to be able to get out of bed and move around to do things.

Today I had a bleeding scare and we were requested to rush into the MWs. After an ultrasound and exam (ouch!!) it was decided that I probably just had some big clots starting to come out. Reassuring, yet still scary.

Breastfeeding has been going well. Sebastian is a big boob man and would stay happily latched on 24/7 if he could. We have been co-sleeping in bed together from the beginning in order to save our sanity and so I can feed him on demand. Sleeping next to my sleeping, cuddly baby is just the best thing. He sleeps on his side towards me with his hands tucked under his head. This is how he laid inside of me and we even have an U/S with his hands like this. It just melts my heart.

He had his first at home bath on Wednesday. We video taped it and the poor little dear cried the whole time. He hated it. His cord fell off during filming which was pretty cool to get on tape. 5 days it fell off, amazing.

I cannot believe my precious little boy is already a week. Time is already flying and it so needs to slow down.



A rare moment in the hospital bassinet


Sleepy Baby


How he sleeps


Gorgeousness


The pirate side eye is already perfected

Sebastian's Birth Story

aka When Natural Birth Goes Awry

I had been having timable contractions in the evenings for a couple days leading up to Sebastian's birth. They would always start at night and would last for a couple of hours before dying out. After I wrote my blog update on the night of the first, they started up again. I timed them, Alex and I getting increasingly excited that this might just be "it".

Around 4:00 am these contractions began to fizzle out as well and in a fit of frustration I went to bed. Alex came in the room and I just lost it. I cried out of my continued frustration and with that, at 4:45 I felt a big gush. This just made me cry more, "I just peed my pants!" Alex quickly corrected me after looking that no, my water had just broke.

And did it. At that point the contractions started getting a bit stronger, though still not painful, and with each contraction there came another gush of water. We must have gone through 5 bath towels.

We had instructions to wait to call the hospital at 7am if my water broke after 10pm and my contractions weren't within 5 min of each other. Since they weren't we just laid around waiting for 7.

At 7am Alex called and we were instructed to come in. I quickly showered, called my mom, and off we went to the hospital.

My regular midwives weren't going to be with me. Meredith was on vacation and Leora had been on call the previous evening so she was only going to be checking in on me once. Luckily the other midwives were just as awesome. I was checked and it was determined that I should be admitted because my water had broke, otherwise I probably wouldn't have been able to stay. They did like that I had measured 3cm at my appointment the day before.

At this point my contractions were still mild, feeling like a bad period cramp which was the norm for me pre pregnancy. I was able to move around, joke with my husband and mom, and even eat a little. I was checked internally and found to be 5cm. I also had a forebag of water that hadn't broke yet but we decided to wait it out.

Around 3pm or so I started feeling a new and bad sensation. I started feeling a lot of rectal pressure that also radiated into my back. This was the start of back labor and little did I know how hard that would be.

One thing I had requested in our birth plan was to not be monitored with the EFM, however the hospital had a different idea. I felt totally trapped by the EFM which was strapped on to me every hour. It was something that was making me very irritable.

I tried the tub at least three times but I didn't notice any difference in pain relief once the back labor really kicked in. This was disappointing considering we were really looking forward to utilizing the big, gorgeous tub.

Around 5pm I was checked again. I was still only 5-6cm dilated which was upsetting to me since I thought all the now uncomfortable contractions would have done something. At this point I consented to having the forebag of water ruptured in order to help labor along. It helped alright, it helped the contractions strengthen and I immediately threw up. Contractions became terribly painful at this point and sadly none of our back labor tricks seemed to help.

At 6pm I was feeling massive rectal pressure and a need to push. They checked me and I was still at 6cm. At this point the only place that provided even a modicum of relief was the toilet. However, sitting there all I wanted to do was push. The feeling was overwhelming as was the pain. Contractions were right on top of each other. My husband felt that I was experiencing transition and indeed I went through all the emotional and behavioral cues we were taught in our Bradley classes.

At 6:30 I reached my breaking point and requested Demerol. I felt that with a bit of "help" I could get through the rest of it. The lack of sleep the night before and back labor was wearing on my strength. Sadly the Demerol did nothing which wasn't surprising as drugs have weird effects (or no effect) on me.

At 6:50 I was checked again. I was at 8cm. I still had a lip of cervix which neither the nurse nor the midwife could manipulate out of the way. Because I still needed to push they decided to let me try and the midwife would try to manipulate the cervical lip.

At 8:20 I was still pushing which honestly was the only relief. The manipulation of the lip didn't work and they found the baby had his head cocked at an angle besides being sunny side up. They had me turn to a side lying position which was excruciating. As each contraction peaked all I could do was scream and push. I was told not to push but I literally could not control myself. It was primal at that point with contractions happening one on top of another.

The side lying position hadn't moved the baby so the midwife tried to turn him manually. This also didn't work. At this point it was suggested that I be put on pitocin with an epidural in order to allow me to fully dilate since I was still stuck at 8cm. If this didn't work we would be facing a c section, my worst labor nightmare.

I agreed and the anesthesiologist was called. The next half an hour was awful. All I could do was sit on the toilet and push. The nurses kept telling me to breathe out and resist pushing but I couldn't.

Once the epi was administered I could actually rest and the constant need to push was gone. I was put into the side lie again and within 45 minutes I was fully dilated and the baby had turned and moved into 3+ station. I didn't even need the foley catheter it happened so fast.

Pushing was easy. I could feel the contractions enough to know when they were building and knew how to push thanks to our classes and to the fact I pushed earlier in the evening. After two hours if pushing, Sebastian came out into the world at 12:42 am on July 3rd. He was crying even before his body was out and was the most beautiful pink color right off the bat. He scored 9 out of 10 on his apgars though some of the nurses felt he should have scored a 10.

While I was loving and admiring my baby the scene around me was a bit frantic though I wasn't aware of it. Apparently I was loosing a lot of blood and they were worried about hemorrhaging. My husband is still freaked out about it. I also had a second degree tear I sustained at the very end of pushing.

Regardless of it all, I am so grateful for my little boy who is the most beautiful thing on the planet. I can't even express the love I feel for him.

Am I disappointed that I didn't have the natural birth we so hoped for? Yes, and no. I think I definitely could be if I hadn't been faced with the impending c section an issues with my labor. People are correct when they say, in the end you do what will bring your baby into the world safely. I am comforted with the fact that I labored for over 18 hours with excruciating back labor med free. I am comforted by the support my mom, husband, and dear friend showed me during this labor and by them telling me how proud they were of me. Most of all I am comforted by my son lying in my arms sleeping peacefully as I type this. He was worth it all.

He's Here!

Those contractions were real after all.

Alex and I welcomed our sweet Sebastian to the world on July 3, 2009 at 12:42 am. He weighed 8 lbs 13 ozs and was 21 inches.

The EDD arrives...and passes

First off I'd like to acknowledge the fact that I've slacked off in the blogging department, I know. Honestly I don't know how time flew by so fast. The end of the school year always has made me crazy busy and that paired with getting ready for Sebastian, and my hard drive crashing contributed to my blog fail. But, here I am and I'll try to catch people up in a timely manner.

Work

Well, the school year is over and so is my time at JSS, possibly even my teaching career as I'm not sure I will go back to teaching. I was so sad to have to leave and am still feeling really bitter over my layoff. My principal never made any reference to me leaving at the end which pissed me off but I figure she was just covering for her guilt.

I had to tell the 4th graders I wasn't coming back during move up day. Some of them knew I wasn't coming back but assumed it was because of the baby. I decided to tell them the truth because I think it's important that the school families know that it wasn't my decision. They were pretty disappointed, mainly because some of them had been waiting for me to be their teacher for many years. I would have taught them in second grade but I was moved to fifth grade that year.

Then I had to tell my class and damn those pregnancy hormones, I cried. It didn't help that I had some of my students cry as well. One of the girls wouldn't stop she was so upset. That sort of thing just breaks your heart.

Anyway, I have most of my stuff packed up and waiting for me to give birth and Alex to break down the garage office so we can store the boxes before our big move.

Moving

We are moving to Canada. When exactly, I'm not sure. I'm guessing around the end of August. Alex will be driving our stuff in a U-Haul across the country and Sebastian and I will follow by plane.

Moving is scary and makes me extremely sad. I've never lived anywhere else and don't know anything else. The thought of leaving my mother and my grandmother is...well...I can't even describe the feelings. My mom is trying to take the news the best she can but I know the thought of me being so far away is terrible for both of them. In all honesty, I think we are in denial that it will be happening soon.

What can I do though, you know? I need to go where my family leads and I'm not going to leave my husband in order to continue struggling here.

Baby

Sadly, my hard drive crashed so bad it took all of my pics with it :( So I can't update with a lot of pics. I will need o take a 40w belly pic tomorrow and I'll post that later.

I can't believe I have arrived at my due date. First off I can't believe it because everybody and their brother thought I would go early. Secondly, I can't believe it because this pregnancy has gone so fast. I never felt the time drag. Well, let me take that back. Waiting for labor is dragging, but more on that in a second.

Alex and I completed our Bradley childbirth classes a couple weeks ago. It was worth every penny and every hour. Our instructor, Sarah, was fantastic. We learned so much from her. Alex especially loved the classes. He has said that he didn't truly feel involved in the births of his older kids. He was just sort of there in the background. He feels that this time will be different, and he feels great knowing that I will be depending on him.

I feel great about his involvement too as he really has been so supportive through the classes and through all of my doctor appointments, doing the lion's share of the housework so I can be busy "growing a baby". He's really excited now and can't wait to meet his little boy.

Our appointments have gone well. I passed the GBS test, something I was freaked out about because IVs bother me so bad I would practically gnaw my arm off if I had one in. I followed my midwives' and our Bradley instructors advice to try and combat the GBS test. They encouraged me to take probiotics, vitamin c, and echinacea. I don't know if it worked but I do know that I passed. No IV or heplock for me. Woot!

That same appointment I had my first internal. Originally I was going to wave internals but curiosity got the best of me and I've had one ever since. A girl has got to know...

So my stats are as follows:

37w: 1cm dilated, 70% effaced, 0 station
38w: 1.5 cm dilated, 80% effaced, 0 station
39w: no change
40w: 3 cm dilated, 80% effaced, 0 station

I ended up losing my mucus plug twice. Twice people! Way to fake a girl out. The first time was a few days after my first internal and the second was at 39w2d after Alex and I went geocaching.

Yes, I went geocaching 9 months pregnant but I was bound and determined to get things going. I actually was able to log a FTF (First to Find) which is pretty awesome.

I've tried almost every natural induction method on the books, save for castor oil. There is no way I'm doing that. I've taken EPO since 36w, drank red raspberry leaf tea, walked tons, had sex (ouch!), ate pineapple, ate supper spicy food, bounced on my birthing ball, and had a foot massage.

Nothing has seemed to work except for my membranes being swept and walking. Those things have caused me to have mild contractions that are timeable for about an hour or so, occurring every six minutes but then they stop right when I start to think they might turn into something. It's such a huge fake-out and so disappointing and frustrating.

The only good thing I can say for the contractions is that they obviously are doing a little bit of something since I went from 1.5 to 3cm in a week. I also have had some bloody show two days in a row. Leora, one of my midwives says that it's a really good thing because some women go into labor with absolutely no dilation and I know she's right. Getting to 3 or 4cm in a fairly painless way is good and I need to be thankful for that.

Anyway, that's where I am currently. No Canada Day baby for me. Come on out Sebastian, we are ready for you!