I'm in a foul mood.
I'm tired, I'm cranky, I feel like a freaking reproductive failure. Nothing has gone right the past couple months, we just keep getting shit on and I wish it could all go away.
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Playlist
Favorite Books
- Animal Farm
- 1984
- Tobacco Road
- The Time Traveler's Wife
- The Great Gatsby
- Gone with the Wind
What I Am Reading Now
- The Baby Book
- Dr Sears Vaccine Book
Favorite Movies
- American Beauty
- Before Sunrise
- Before Sunset
- Blue Velvet
- Closer
- Dogville
- Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
- Fight Club
- Gattaca
- Gone with the Wind
- Happiness
- Human Traffic
- Mr and Mrs Smith
- Punch Drunk Love
- Requiem for a Dream
- The Assasination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
- The Good Girl
- The Others
- The Right Stuff
- The Virgin Suicides
- Titanic
- Waiting for Guffman
- Your Friends and Neighbors
What I've Watched Recently
- The Reader
Friend's Blogs
- All in Due Time
- Becca's Baby Blog
- Bella and her Fella
- Bless this Food
- Blog-abillie
- Carrying a Crystal Box
- Definitely Maybe...
- Emily the Hopeless
- H & T Try to Make Three
- I Can't Stop the Rain
- Just Trying to Make a Cub
- Look at the Birds
- Mats Weekly
- Mommy Wanna-Be
- Reflections of a Red Sox Fan
- Rising Through the Infertility Ashes
- Still Trying to Get Knocked Up
- Thank God There are Cookies
- The Adventures of A and E
- The Bailly Blog
- Waiting on the Baby Carriage
- What's Cookin?
- You Expect My Uterus to do What?
Save Handmade Toys
Sebastian's Ticker
See Sebastian Grow
Growing Day by Day
Birth- 8 lbs 13.3 oz, 21 inches
Two months- 15 lbs 2 oz, 24.5 inches
Four months- 18.5 lbs, 27 inches
Six months- 20 lbs, 15 oz, 28 inches
Nine months- 22 lbs, 6 oz, 28.5 inches
Ten months- 22 lbs, 11 oz
Twelve months- 24 lbs, 5 oz, 30.3 inches
Fourteen months- 26 lbs, 32 inches
Two months- 15 lbs 2 oz, 24.5 inches
Four months- 18.5 lbs, 27 inches
Six months- 20 lbs, 15 oz, 28 inches
Nine months- 22 lbs, 6 oz, 28.5 inches
Ten months- 22 lbs, 11 oz
Twelve months- 24 lbs, 5 oz, 30.3 inches
Fourteen months- 26 lbs, 32 inches
Sebastian's Milestones and Firsts
7/3/09- Holds head up (yes, from birth. The nurses were shocked)
7/31/09-Sebastian realizes he can control his hands and shakes his wrist rattle purposefully, Follows momma with his eyes. (28d)
8/8/09- Social smiling starts. (1m 5d)
8/24/09- Starting to laugh (1m 21d)
9/26/09- Sebastian starts to play with toys and tries to roll (2m 23d)
10/26/09- First time "swimming" (3m 23d)
11/12/09- Sebastian finds his feet (4m 9d)
11/17/09- First cold (4m 14d)
11/19/09- Rolling back to belly (4m 16d)
11/21/09- Lower left incisor errupts (4m 18d)
11/22/09- Lower right incisor errupts (4m 19d)
11/26/09- Rolled belly to back (4m 23d)
12/22/09- Starts to reach for Mama (5m 19d)
12/25/09- Starts solids (5m 22d)
12/26/09- Lower right lateral incisor errupts (5m 23d)
12/29/09- Lower left lateral incisor errupts (5m 26d)
1/3/10- Multiconsonant babble (6m)
1/4/10- Sitting unassisted (6m 1d)
1/24/10- Upper right central incisor errupts, "Self" discovery (6m 21d)
1/27/10- Upper left central incisor errupts (6m 24d)
2/14/10- Starts crawling, hits two objects together (7m 11d)
2/19/10- Pulled up on own (7m 16d)
2/20/10- Upper left lateral incisor errupts (7m 17d)
3/13/10- Gets into sitting position on his own, leans over and puts arm down to get out of standing, looks for covered object he knew was there (8m 9d)
3/28/10- Tries to flush toilet, tried to climb onto the bed but couldn't so he drags something over to climb on (8m 25d)
4/3/10- Uses a straw (9m)
4/4/10- Starts making a bunny nose- On Easter no less (9m 1d)
4/5/10- Rolls tongue (9m 2d)
4/6/10- Opens and closes drawers (9m 3d)
4/13/10- Upper right lateral incisor errupts, flushes toilet, waves to the hospital security guard (9m 10d)
4/19/10- Stands on own(9m 16d)
4/20/10- Jumps while holding on to something (9m 17d)
7/31/09-Sebastian realizes he can control his hands and shakes his wrist rattle purposefully, Follows momma with his eyes. (28d)
8/8/09- Social smiling starts. (1m 5d)
8/24/09- Starting to laugh (1m 21d)
9/26/09- Sebastian starts to play with toys and tries to roll (2m 23d)
10/26/09- First time "swimming" (3m 23d)
11/12/09- Sebastian finds his feet (4m 9d)
11/17/09- First cold (4m 14d)
11/19/09- Rolling back to belly (4m 16d)
11/21/09- Lower left incisor errupts (4m 18d)
11/22/09- Lower right incisor errupts (4m 19d)
11/26/09- Rolled belly to back (4m 23d)
12/22/09- Starts to reach for Mama (5m 19d)
12/25/09- Starts solids (5m 22d)
12/26/09- Lower right lateral incisor errupts (5m 23d)
12/29/09- Lower left lateral incisor errupts (5m 26d)
1/3/10- Multiconsonant babble (6m)
1/4/10- Sitting unassisted (6m 1d)
1/24/10- Upper right central incisor errupts, "Self" discovery (6m 21d)
1/27/10- Upper left central incisor errupts (6m 24d)
2/14/10- Starts crawling, hits two objects together (7m 11d)
2/19/10- Pulled up on own (7m 16d)
2/20/10- Upper left lateral incisor errupts (7m 17d)
3/13/10- Gets into sitting position on his own, leans over and puts arm down to get out of standing, looks for covered object he knew was there (8m 9d)
3/28/10- Tries to flush toilet, tried to climb onto the bed but couldn't so he drags something over to climb on (8m 25d)
4/3/10- Uses a straw (9m)
4/4/10- Starts making a bunny nose- On Easter no less (9m 1d)
4/5/10- Rolls tongue (9m 2d)
4/6/10- Opens and closes drawers (9m 3d)
4/13/10- Upper right lateral incisor errupts, flushes toilet, waves to the hospital security guard (9m 10d)
4/19/10- Stands on own(9m 16d)
4/20/10- Jumps while holding on to something (9m 17d)
Our TTC Journey
4/07- Started TTC
10/4/07 - First appt. with fertility clinic
10/8/07- CD 3 bloodwork (FSH 4.7, Estradiol 30, TSH 2.15, Prolactin 9.7, and LH 6.4~ All within normal ranges.)
10/11/07- Ultrasound ~ Uterus and ovaries look good.
10/15/07- HSG ~ Tubes are clear.
10/19/07- Hysteroscopy ~ All normal
10/27/07- CD 21 Blood Test ~ Progesterone 29.8
11/8/07- DH's 1st SA Volume: 1.0 Ph: 8.5 Motility: 1hr- 14%, 2hr- 11% Count, Viscosity, Morphology: N/A due to volume.
11/30/07- Endometrial Biopsy ~ Abnormal
12/1/07- DH starts 1000mg of Vit. C, 50mg of Zinc, and 500mg of L-Carnitine.
12/6/07- DH's 2nd SAVolume: 1.5 Count 185 million Ph: 8.0 Motility: 1hr- 33% Morphology: 55%
1/6/08- DH adds 200mcg Selenium
1/31/08- Final consultation at clinic to go over tests and come up with a game plan.
Diagnosed with MFI and Dysynchronous Endometrium
2/5 First IUI cycle w/ 150mg clomid and trigger.
2/13 U/S, Cycle cancelled
rt ovary- 20mm, 18mm, 17mm, 16mm; left ovary- 16mm ~ forced TTA
3/10 Baseline U/S all clear, 50 mg clomid CD 5-9
3/17 Self-cancelling cycle, took a one month TTC break
6/08- Hoping beyond hopes to start BCP/IVF in Aug/Sept.
10/17 Miracle BFP!
7/3/09 Sebastian is born
10/4/07 - First appt. with fertility clinic
10/8/07- CD 3 bloodwork (FSH 4.7, Estradiol 30, TSH 2.15, Prolactin 9.7, and LH 6.4~ All within normal ranges.)
10/11/07- Ultrasound ~ Uterus and ovaries look good.
10/15/07- HSG ~ Tubes are clear.
10/19/07- Hysteroscopy ~ All normal
10/27/07- CD 21 Blood Test ~ Progesterone 29.8
11/8/07- DH's 1st SA Volume: 1.0 Ph: 8.5 Motility: 1hr- 14%, 2hr- 11% Count, Viscosity, Morphology: N/A due to volume.
11/30/07- Endometrial Biopsy ~ Abnormal
12/1/07- DH starts 1000mg of Vit. C, 50mg of Zinc, and 500mg of L-Carnitine.
12/6/07- DH's 2nd SAVolume: 1.5 Count 185 million Ph: 8.0 Motility: 1hr- 33% Morphology: 55%
1/6/08- DH adds 200mcg Selenium
1/31/08- Final consultation at clinic to go over tests and come up with a game plan.
Diagnosed with MFI and Dysynchronous Endometrium
2/5 First IUI cycle w/ 150mg clomid and trigger.
2/13 U/S, Cycle cancelled
rt ovary- 20mm, 18mm, 17mm, 16mm; left ovary- 16mm ~ forced TTA
3/10 Baseline U/S all clear, 50 mg clomid CD 5-9
3/17 Self-cancelling cycle, took a one month TTC break
6/08- Hoping beyond hopes to start BCP/IVF in Aug/Sept.
10/17 Miracle BFP!
7/3/09 Sebastian is born
5 comments:
Life has been shitting on me constantly since January. Just when I think things are looking up, even a tiny bit, more bad news. It just has to get better soon, for both of us.
Sending lots of hugs. I hope things get better soon!
(((hugs)))
I hope things get better for you.I am not exactly in your position but I know the disappointment of things 'never working'. It seems so unfair that for some people everything seems so easy yet people like us have to struggle so much. People keep saying things happen for a reason and God never gives you something you can't handle. I don't know if I believe that all the time but I am trying to. Good luck! LEM5
Jennifer, let me step out on a limb here and speak from one Christian lady to another - God has a plan for us all. I read the lyrics of the songs you posted, and from them I understand that Jesus is cradling you in His Hands. He weeps with you and He feels your pain. Try not to let your depression keep you from feeling the comfort of the Master's Hand. You are His special creation and when you lash out at yourself, you're telling Him that He's made a horrible mistake in the wonderful woman that is Jennifer. Remember, the eagle flies above the storm. I'll pray that you can get above the maelstrom that you're in and fly above the dark clouds with Him. I love you. (you don't have to post this - but just wanted to reach out) De
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