IF can be a ticket straight to divorce court if you aren't careful.
Yesterday, after therapy, Alex told me that he was upset because I was becoming the type of woman he always hated, a woman obsessed with having babies. He said that he was sad because I wasn't the Jennifer he fell in love with.
I just sat there as he was driving and cried.
I told him that I didn't like me either. I was upset that I was becoming this person and longed for the old me back.
I hate obsessing over babies but it's not something I can stop. I'm the one who has to chart, pee on sticks, take the pills, check my CM, temp every day, buy his supplement, stress over "symptoms", stare at the BFNs, wait for the bleeding to start, and figure out where, when and how we can get back into treatment. I'm carrying this all on my own and he's the one with the main issue.
There I said it.
I'm carrying the whole weight of this on my back when really it's not my issue. And because of it, I have become the depressed, changed person I wrote about in my last blog. Because of it, my husband doesn't know who I am anymore.
After we worked through some stuff last night I got to thinking about my girls on the TTC6+ board and about how a few of them are struggling in their marriages. Their husbands always seem to be holding them back somehow, some even sabotaging the process. We all carry it on our backs and the guys float along, seemingly uncaring.
I wish they would understand the maternal feelings most women get. We have a deep down urge to procreate and mother, and when we can't it just becomes worse. I never knew how strong that urge was, not until now.
So where do we go from here? We continue with therapy and I hope that my husband can learn to love me as I am right now and keep supporting me until we get to the other side. Because that's what we all hope for, the other side. I know it's out there and I know all of this will go away once we get there.
But I need help to get through.
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12 comments:
I think most of us can relate to this. DMacG and I were just talking about this an hour ago. It's bullshit, the stuff we have to go through and they have no clue. We can talk more about this on Sat.
xoxoxox
Love you
I know how you feel. There were times when we'd fight about the same thing, why I felt like the burden was on my back vs his... and you are so right about the maternal feeling. Not sure what I can say to make you feel better, but just know I am here for you. Hugs.
It isn't fun when the men don't understand. Ask your husband to put himself in your shoes -- how would he feel about all this if he didn't already have children? Maybe that will give him some perspective and help him see your side. I hope things get better for y'all soon.
I have had a few heart to heart talks with my husband on these issue.
He has admitted that he does not understand the biological need to me a mother. No man really does.
I am so sorry you are going thru this. I know what it is like to feel like you have lost who you are. I am there too. xoxoxoxo
I agree completely. May and I were talking about this the other day. Its so taxing and so overwhelming. A never ending cycle of hopes and dreams, tears and sorrow.
If Alex is not understanding- move to my house. I will kick Chris out and we will get artificially inseminated and have babies together. (I actually watched this on Discovery Health the other day) A lesbian couple got inseminated at the same time. The both delivered twins within a day of each other.
It saddens me that so many of us know exactly what you are going through...
Because the fact that we all know, means that all(or most) of our husbands really have no clue about how we feel and how much we HATE feeling this way.
My husband has said some hurtful things, without even realizing how much they hurt at the time. And knowing that I've turned into this, this, this person that can't stop thinking about babies and IF, I can't help but think sometimes maybe he's right...
The board, and blogs like yours have made me realize I'm not alone. Infertility is much more than just a forbidden word...
It is an illness, a horrible illness that takes over our lives and makes us into people that we don't even know.
I'm glad you're working through it and I pray that we will all get through this and be much wiser and much more caring individuals because of it.
Huge hugs, and thank you for sharing.
What woman can't relate to this? Our husbands could never do what we do. Sometimes I wonder if this isn't the definition of marriage - albeit a cynical side I didn't realize I signed up for. No, the drive isn't the same. The commitment isn't the same either. It hurts to think that he doesn't care about this when I see it as so vitally important. It's our offspring, not a purse or a football game.
I'm sorry you are going through this - that anyone goes through this. And ditto Callie - the worst of the worst is when you feel like you don't know yourself anymore.
I'm sorry you're going through this Chrys. When I was growing up, the same thing happened to my parents--the emotional and physical process of IF is not easy on any marriage, I don't think...not to mention the financial strain. My mom still cries about not having another baby sometimes, particularly when someone makes some moronic comment to her. I'm not sure that pain will ever go away. But you two will get through this--at least you're both mature enough to admit that you need to talk about it. Hugs to you.
I don't really have anything to say that everyone else hasn't already said, but I just wanted to let you know that I hope that things improve and that I hope that the therapy helps you both.
I had a major meltdown last weekend because of feeling like this is all on me. I feel like I am the one who has to do everything in this. I take all of the medicines every day and feel like sh!t a lot of the time, I go to acupuncture, I go to the doctor and get things shoved up my crotch, I feel like the failure in all of this yet I'm the one doign all of the extra things to try to make it work. *sigh* I think after I let it all out at my husband he did start to get it that this really is a huge thing that we are going through.
I also feel like I'm not myself. I know I am not the person that he married almost 4 years ago. I hate who I am right now too, I hate it. :(
Big hugs Jennifer. Here's hoping that some day we can all get back to being the happy, fulfilled people we once were.
~smilelari~
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