Sometimes I just want to pummel my mother. Today was one of those days.
I called her and the conversation was going fine but then she brings up the topic of our IF procedures.
"You need to work on Alex so you can get on with your 'project'" - She calls us going through IVF and getting knocked up "our project".
So I tell her that it's not about me "working on him", that that wouldn't solve anything. She knows we are going through therapy and I tell her that we just have to keep on working with the therapist.
She just doesn't get it and starts whining about how she feels like I'm giving up. At this point I'm getting pissed. "How am I giving up? I can't force him to impregnate me and that wouldn't work anyway".
"I know", she says. "I just get so sad seeing all these things I've saved over the years. It's like I bought them for nothing".
Oh.my.God.
She was lucky I didn't come over and murder her for that comment. Instead I just yelled over the phone.
"Sad, you want to talk to me about sad? You being sad over having baby stuff you've saved for a decade is nothing like what I am going through. I have stuff saved too if you want to get into that. I don't want to cry every day over this, and your comments are not helping."
I don't understand her some times. It's as if she thinks I can just talk to Alex and snap some sense into him. If I just cleaned the house and became superwife, he'd change his mind and knock me up immediately. It doesn't freaking work that way. He's like me. The more you push, the further he backs away.
Am I mad he did this to me? Yes. Am I upset that I seem to be the one giving up everything and he's just sitting back calling the shots? Hell, yes. But my mom telling me that, "He promised you before you got married that you'd have a baby and now he's going back on his promise", doesn't help.
Her telling me if we broke up, I could find someone else to father my children, doesn't help. (Like it's that freaking easy at my age anyway- Hmmm I think I'll go shopping for a new husband today)
But I haven't given up. I can't give up. If I give up on my dream of motherhood, I die.
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5 comments:
I am so sorry that your mom said those things to you. How awful. (((hugs))) My mom says crap to me sometimes too, keeps pushing me to 'start trying' again, when I'm not sure I'm ready for that yet. Sometimes I wish I had never told my family about out IF issues or that we are going through treatments to get pregnant. I'm always here for you hun.
I am so sorry. People just don't get it. They don't really think about what they are saying, much less do they think about how they are making you feel. I know it's even worse when it's someone like your own mom.
Hang in there, Chrys. You are doing the right thing, and you have a plan. Yes, you had to change it, yes, it stinks... But you're working through it all and you are doing a wonderful job of it.
Vent all you want. And just ((((HUGS))))
I just wanted to give you (((hugs))). You are doing the right thing.
I'm sorry hunny. I've just learned that no one ever says the right thing. I would have told her the same thing.
I am just a phone call away- you know that. :)
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