Yesterday was a bitch.
Even though I had been spotting for days and my temps were down I still had a tiny bit of hope. That was crushed at 3 am when I woke up with cramps so bad I could have ripped my uterus out and not cared.
Cycle 19 staring me in the face. Joy! Knowing that cycle 19 is already a dud due to Alex being out of town three or four days before I O, was another reason to be depressed. His sperm can hardly last an hour, they certainly won't last three days.
Yesterday we were travelling to the Bay Area to my cousin's little girl's 4th birthday. I had to stop in Target to get her a b'day present and had to steel myself against the onslaught of pregnant bellies and little ones. Blech. Sometimes I hate Target. Yesterday was one of those days.
We get to the party and everything is fine. Both my cousins (who are like my sisters) have two kids each, a boy and a girl. My mother fawns on them, as does most everyone else.
At one point I'm looking at this baby doll that belongs to Taylor, the birthday girl. It is hideous. Seriously, I don't think I've seen an uglier baby doll. First, off it's huge. No newborn is that size. It's the size of a small linebacker, or at least an overweight one year old. Secondly, it's molded face is awful. It would give most people the creeps. As a joke I covered it's face with its hat and placed it face down in the moses basket it was in. No big deal. Alex and my step daughter were laughing because they thought it was scary too.
I guess my mom was watching be because she looks at me and says,
"No wonder you don't have any kids"
Has that sunk in yet? Yeah, that's what I thought too. I slowly got up off the couch and ran outside so I could sob. Alex ran out to hold me and just let me cry.
WTH! She knew I had just started my period. She knows what I am going through. She has gone to RE appointments with me when my husband couldn't and cried with me when I got bad results. She fucking knew better.
Later, I try to compose myself and return to the party. My mom comes over to apologize but then says, "Kathy (my aunt) says I didn't say anything wrong". What a way to apologize mom. I could give a crap what my aunt thinks. Of course she doesn't think my mom said anything wrong. She doesn't have any clue what it is like to have IF daughters. She doesn't understand IF at.all.
My younger cousin takes me aside and tries to comfort me, which was surprising and very nice considering she was a total bitch that we have hardly talked to her in a year and a half since she didn't go to our wedding (it's a long story). I thought she knew about our IF because my mom had told my aunt and my other cousin so I thought Jill would have known as well. Guess she didn't or didn't think too hard about it.
She didn't understand, of course, and proceeded to tell me how she had two abortions (I knew about one) and when she couldn't get knocked up with a couple different boyfriends after seven years, she thought God was punishing her. Uhhhhhh. I just sat there nodding. I know she was trying to help so I didn't go off on her. Sometimes I think they only people who know how to help and what to say are those going through it themselves.
Anyway, long story short, we rode home in silence. I was still too pissed at my mom to talk. I hadn't talked to her the rest of the night while we were at the party. Once we got home I sat in the car and talked to her. She just cried and cried. See, my mom holds everything in and doesn't tell people when they upset her. I'm the opposite. I have to let it out or it eats me up. She has a hard time with that. She said she didn't mean to say that, that it came out wrong. She took me telling her that what she said was, "one of the cruelest things she could say" to mean that she, herself was cruel. She didn't see that telling me my aunt's comment sounded like an excuse for her behavior. She thinks she doesn't know what to say to me anymore because I get upset a lot.
Yet another reason why IF sucks.
At the end we ended up being ok. We needed to be because today I'm talking her to a Neil Diamond concert.
Showing posts with label IF. Show all posts
Showing posts with label IF. Show all posts
8/8/08
Have We Talked About the Husbands?
IF can be a ticket straight to divorce court if you aren't careful.
Yesterday, after therapy, Alex told me that he was upset because I was becoming the type of woman he always hated, a woman obsessed with having babies. He said that he was sad because I wasn't the Jennifer he fell in love with.
I just sat there as he was driving and cried.
I told him that I didn't like me either. I was upset that I was becoming this person and longed for the old me back.
I hate obsessing over babies but it's not something I can stop. I'm the one who has to chart, pee on sticks, take the pills, check my CM, temp every day, buy his supplement, stress over "symptoms", stare at the BFNs, wait for the bleeding to start, and figure out where, when and how we can get back into treatment. I'm carrying this all on my own and he's the one with the main issue.
There I said it.
I'm carrying the whole weight of this on my back when really it's not my issue. And because of it, I have become the depressed, changed person I wrote about in my last blog. Because of it, my husband doesn't know who I am anymore.
After we worked through some stuff last night I got to thinking about my girls on the TTC6+ board and about how a few of them are struggling in their marriages. Their husbands always seem to be holding them back somehow, some even sabotaging the process. We all carry it on our backs and the guys float along, seemingly uncaring.
I wish they would understand the maternal feelings most women get. We have a deep down urge to procreate and mother, and when we can't it just becomes worse. I never knew how strong that urge was, not until now.
So where do we go from here? We continue with therapy and I hope that my husband can learn to love me as I am right now and keep supporting me until we get to the other side. Because that's what we all hope for, the other side. I know it's out there and I know all of this will go away once we get there.
But I need help to get through.
Yesterday, after therapy, Alex told me that he was upset because I was becoming the type of woman he always hated, a woman obsessed with having babies. He said that he was sad because I wasn't the Jennifer he fell in love with.
I just sat there as he was driving and cried.
I told him that I didn't like me either. I was upset that I was becoming this person and longed for the old me back.
I hate obsessing over babies but it's not something I can stop. I'm the one who has to chart, pee on sticks, take the pills, check my CM, temp every day, buy his supplement, stress over "symptoms", stare at the BFNs, wait for the bleeding to start, and figure out where, when and how we can get back into treatment. I'm carrying this all on my own and he's the one with the main issue.
There I said it.
I'm carrying the whole weight of this on my back when really it's not my issue. And because of it, I have become the depressed, changed person I wrote about in my last blog. Because of it, my husband doesn't know who I am anymore.
After we worked through some stuff last night I got to thinking about my girls on the TTC6+ board and about how a few of them are struggling in their marriages. Their husbands always seem to be holding them back somehow, some even sabotaging the process. We all carry it on our backs and the guys float along, seemingly uncaring.
I wish they would understand the maternal feelings most women get. We have a deep down urge to procreate and mother, and when we can't it just becomes worse. I never knew how strong that urge was, not until now.
So where do we go from here? We continue with therapy and I hope that my husband can learn to love me as I am right now and keep supporting me until we get to the other side. Because that's what we all hope for, the other side. I know it's out there and I know all of this will go away once we get there.
But I need help to get through.
8/6/08
The Infertile Lifestyle
This is not a lifestyle I would wish on anyone. Nor is it one I would choose for myself. It isn't glamorous, it isn't desired, it isn't happy.
This lifestyle includes many doctor visits, intimate moments with the dildo cam, pills and shots. It includes many nights crying yourself to sleep and feeling like a broken failure most every day. It includes depression. The worst kind of depression that is often hidden and debilitating. It includes the loss of friends because they don't understand why you are pulling away, why you are wanting to hide from the world. What could be so bad?
This lifestyle makes you bitter towards any large family, towards pregnant woman, towards the sight of a baby. Let me just tell you that the grocery store is akin to the 6th level of hell. Pregnant women happily rubbing their bellies and new babies EVERYWHERE. I can't even go down the baby aisle as a shortcut anymore. Alex knows we have to go around because it's just a whole row of reminders.
And all those reminders, they make you cry and those of us in the IF lifestyle will often find ourselves crying in the middle of the grocery store, or Target, or church; where ever we find a reminder.
One of my dear friends mentioned today how she cried in Church this weekend because of a large family with a new baby in the pew front of her. She's not alone. Another TTC6+ girl said she can hardly go to church anymore because she ends up in tears every time as she's surrounded by babies and small children. This would be something that at the beginning of your TTC/IF journey wouldn't have affected you but over time it gets worse and worse. Stacie is right, it does change you. The IF lifestyle changes you. It takes away the joy and brings the sadness.
Some people are lucky for the lifestyle doesn't seem to affect them as much or maybe they are just good at hiding it outwardly. Some seem impervious to it and are able to find the joy in things. I wish I could but some days it's virtually impossible.
I recently told Alex that I was depressed. He didn't seem to understand that I wasn't just "sad", this wasn't an, "Oh I'm so depressed because my favorite show isn't on", kind of thing. It is clinical depression. It's real and it's deep down. I think many of us in the lifestyle have it and I think many people in our lives don't realize to the extent we feel this hurt and hopelessness.
This is a lifestyle I hope all of my sisters can get out of because none of us deserve it, none of us want it, and it all can be cured by the arrival of one small wonderful thing.
And as an ironic punch to the gut, what did I see when I clicked on Blogger to write this blog but
Are you freaking kidding me? Even in trying to get our feelings out we are subjected to babies. So not cool.
This lifestyle includes many doctor visits, intimate moments with the dildo cam, pills and shots. It includes many nights crying yourself to sleep and feeling like a broken failure most every day. It includes depression. The worst kind of depression that is often hidden and debilitating. It includes the loss of friends because they don't understand why you are pulling away, why you are wanting to hide from the world. What could be so bad?
This lifestyle makes you bitter towards any large family, towards pregnant woman, towards the sight of a baby. Let me just tell you that the grocery store is akin to the 6th level of hell. Pregnant women happily rubbing their bellies and new babies EVERYWHERE. I can't even go down the baby aisle as a shortcut anymore. Alex knows we have to go around because it's just a whole row of reminders.
And all those reminders, they make you cry and those of us in the IF lifestyle will often find ourselves crying in the middle of the grocery store, or Target, or church; where ever we find a reminder.
One of my dear friends mentioned today how she cried in Church this weekend because of a large family with a new baby in the pew front of her. She's not alone. Another TTC6+ girl said she can hardly go to church anymore because she ends up in tears every time as she's surrounded by babies and small children. This would be something that at the beginning of your TTC/IF journey wouldn't have affected you but over time it gets worse and worse. Stacie is right, it does change you. The IF lifestyle changes you. It takes away the joy and brings the sadness.
Some people are lucky for the lifestyle doesn't seem to affect them as much or maybe they are just good at hiding it outwardly. Some seem impervious to it and are able to find the joy in things. I wish I could but some days it's virtually impossible.
I recently told Alex that I was depressed. He didn't seem to understand that I wasn't just "sad", this wasn't an, "Oh I'm so depressed because my favorite show isn't on", kind of thing. It is clinical depression. It's real and it's deep down. I think many of us in the lifestyle have it and I think many people in our lives don't realize to the extent we feel this hurt and hopelessness.
This is a lifestyle I hope all of my sisters can get out of because none of us deserve it, none of us want it, and it all can be cured by the arrival of one small wonderful thing.
And as an ironic punch to the gut, what did I see when I clicked on Blogger to write this blog but
Are you freaking kidding me? Even in trying to get our feelings out we are subjected to babies. So not cool.
7/23/08
The Emotional IF Rollercoaster
...and I want to get off.
After all the fretting over whether or not Alex was going to freak before our appointments at the clinic, we get there and meet Melissa (Financial Services) and Karen (IVF Coordinator). The new office is awesome.
We hear the spiel on our insurance first. Instead of the 90% coverage we thought we would have we now have 70% coverage. So basically we pay $3600 before everything is covered 100%.
Then we move next door and go through the checklist of what we've done and what we still need to do. According to Karen we are ahead of schedule with the testing but I'm too close for comfort in starting BCP for the September IVF cycle. Normally they like their patient on it for 6-4 weeks and I'd barely be on it for 4. She was amazed that I hardly had any questions. The internets is good for something I guess.
The whole time Alex just sat there. I don't think he said more than 5 words to Melissa and the only thing he said to Karen was his SS#. We are given the consent forms and the BCP script is called in and we are on our way.
On the way out I can tell Alex is freaking out inwardly. When don't talk about it in the car because my stepdaughter is there waiting for us. We do when we get home though.
Alex, very calmly says that there is no way we could save $3600 in a month and a half and I know he is right. We come to the conclusion that waiting for the November cycle would be the best and give us time to save. Hopefully I won't have to repeat any of my tests because it would be a year after I originally had them.
To console myself I call Megan (my personal cheerleader) and I post on TTC6+ the good and bad things regarding our RE appointments.
-DH is on board
-We are ahead of the game prep wise with our pre IVF testing. Now we'll be able to finish the last bit of bloodwork early.
- November would be better time wise for me than September. My RE asks all his patients to be on bed rest 3 days after transfer and this would be very hard to do the first month of school. Add in one day off for retrieval and ouch.
-We have three months to try and save the money.
-I can be on BCP the full length they would want me on. The IVF coordinator said normally they want their patients on 6 weeks.
So I was feeling pretty positive about our decision and was amazed that I didn't even cry. And then the roof caved in.
I decided to look up med coverage on Cigna's website and to my horror only found a couple things covered (Lupron being one of them). Injectibles were not covered. That broke me and I sobbed in front of the comp for a good half hour. It seemed that every time I was up something had to kick me back down. It didn't help that in the midst of this I discovered that Henri, one of my ratties, had a lump on his amdomen which I think is an abscess.
This morning I called Cigna right away and it seems that they will cover the injectibles but through the medical side of my insurance. The meds have a deductable though so add $1500 to the aforementioned $3600 and we are facing not being able to do November either.
I'm so tired of this. I don't want to ride this rollercoaster any more.
7/20/08
Infertility Round-up
In my excitement to post my pics of May's and my evening., I didn't recap the rest of my Friday.
After therapy on Thursday, Alex decided that he felt ok enough about our situation for me to call my RE on Friday and make our IVF appointments. I called a couple times in the morning when I thought they would be open but I guess I was wrong on the time.
My RE is the only RE I've ever heard of that does not have early hours. I think the office opens around 8:30 am. This sucks for people like me who have to be at work at 7:30. However, he's the only game in town so I have to deal with it.
I called again around 9 and left a message. Close to ten, as I'm out running errands with my mom, I get a call back from the receptionist. She says they are booked up the beginning of next week but she'll talk to the Dr to find out what they can do and she'll call me back. I told her I was CD 14, 4DPO (Time is of the essence) and that was that. I didn't get a call back. I called around 3 but realized of course they wouldn't be there. My RE also has early hours on Fridays. Fuck me gently with a chainsaw! So here I am finally getting the go ahead from my gun shy husband and I can't make the appointments. I am not happy.
The rest of the day before heading out with Megan, was spent helping my mom with her resume (OMG kill me now) and helping her with her computer because for some reason she's helpless when it comes to electronics, or at least thinks she is. We also went to go visit my grandmother in the convalescent hospital. I hate those places so much and hope I never have to be in one. I'll be glad when she gets to go home.
Anyway, I was talking to Grammy and she noticed my "Common Thread" bracelet. She asked what it was and I told her it was "a thread, a bracelet". She then asked, "Does it stand for anything special?" How could she have known it stood for anything? Honestly she's the only person to ever even ask me. I told her it was to symbolize the struggle with infertility, IF support and the sisterhood of IF. She then said she prayed for me every day that I don't have to deal with that anymore.
It was so touching and so sad because she's one of the biggest reasons I want to hurry up and get pregnant yesterday. I want so badly for my child to know her and I'm afraid it will soon be too late.
After therapy on Thursday, Alex decided that he felt ok enough about our situation for me to call my RE on Friday and make our IVF appointments. I called a couple times in the morning when I thought they would be open but I guess I was wrong on the time.
My RE is the only RE I've ever heard of that does not have early hours. I think the office opens around 8:30 am. This sucks for people like me who have to be at work at 7:30. However, he's the only game in town so I have to deal with it.
I called again around 9 and left a message. Close to ten, as I'm out running errands with my mom, I get a call back from the receptionist. She says they are booked up the beginning of next week but she'll talk to the Dr to find out what they can do and she'll call me back. I told her I was CD 14, 4DPO (Time is of the essence) and that was that. I didn't get a call back. I called around 3 but realized of course they wouldn't be there. My RE also has early hours on Fridays. Fuck me gently with a chainsaw! So here I am finally getting the go ahead from my gun shy husband and I can't make the appointments. I am not happy.
The rest of the day before heading out with Megan, was spent helping my mom with her resume (OMG kill me now) and helping her with her computer because for some reason she's helpless when it comes to electronics, or at least thinks she is. We also went to go visit my grandmother in the convalescent hospital. I hate those places so much and hope I never have to be in one. I'll be glad when she gets to go home.
Anyway, I was talking to Grammy and she noticed my "Common Thread" bracelet. She asked what it was and I told her it was "a thread, a bracelet". She then asked, "Does it stand for anything special?" How could she have known it stood for anything? Honestly she's the only person to ever even ask me. I told her it was to symbolize the struggle with infertility, IF support and the sisterhood of IF. She then said she prayed for me every day that I don't have to deal with that anymore.
It was so touching and so sad because she's one of the biggest reasons I want to hurry up and get pregnant yesterday. I want so badly for my child to know her and I'm afraid it will soon be too late.
7/9/08
Like Sands Through an Hourglass
Last night's sadness continued further into the evening. I had cried for everyone else earlier in the night and ended up crying for myself when I was trying to fall asleep. Alex, of course was oblivious to my tears as he always is, sleeping away as I cry my eyes out.
I hate that. It makes me cry all the more because I start to get pissed off.
You are part of the reason I'm crying buddy and you can't even wake up and aknowledge that.
And time continues to slip away. I'm starting to freak out again, freak out that Septemeber won't be our month either. I had to call my clinic yesterday to take care of a bill and I asked the finance person if we'd have to make an appointment with her to go over IVF stuff. She said yes. So before we get this IVF show on the road I'm assuming we'd have to meet with:
1.) RE
2.) IVF coordinator
3.) Financial/insurance coordinator
4.) God knows who else
I also was told that if we waited too long I'd have to redo bloodwork so I have until November for that. She wanted to know if I wanted to make an appointment over the phone and I told her I couldn't just yet. Again everything has to be held off until the last minute and it's stressing me out beyond belief. It shouldn't be that way.
Yet Alex is blissfully unaware of all of it. We have therapy tomorrow and we'll see if I can get a straight answer from him. Things are going really well between us, shouldn't he give me a chance?
I hate this.
I hate that. It makes me cry all the more because I start to get pissed off.
You are part of the reason I'm crying buddy and you can't even wake up and aknowledge that.
And time continues to slip away. I'm starting to freak out again, freak out that Septemeber won't be our month either. I had to call my clinic yesterday to take care of a bill and I asked the finance person if we'd have to make an appointment with her to go over IVF stuff. She said yes. So before we get this IVF show on the road I'm assuming we'd have to meet with:
1.) RE
2.) IVF coordinator
3.) Financial/insurance coordinator
4.) God knows who else
I also was told that if we waited too long I'd have to redo bloodwork so I have until November for that. She wanted to know if I wanted to make an appointment over the phone and I told her I couldn't just yet. Again everything has to be held off until the last minute and it's stressing me out beyond belief. It shouldn't be that way.
Yet Alex is blissfully unaware of all of it. We have therapy tomorrow and we'll see if I can get a straight answer from him. Things are going really well between us, shouldn't he give me a chance?
I hate this.
7/8/08
Why?
Today has been a very difficult day for so many of my internet sisters.
This is a big pile of suckage for so many of us. The despair and hopelessness my friends have felt today, as well as my own craptastic feelings, makes me cry.
Why can't things be easy? They are all such wonderful people, with so much to offer. We would all be wonderful mothers and we are being robbed of that. I see so many unfit mothers around and it just seems so unfair.
So I ask why? Why me? Why any of us? When will it be our turn? Will we ever get one?
This is a big pile of suckage for so many of us. The despair and hopelessness my friends have felt today, as well as my own craptastic feelings, makes me cry.
Why can't things be easy? They are all such wonderful people, with so much to offer. We would all be wonderful mothers and we are being robbed of that. I see so many unfit mothers around and it just seems so unfair.
So I ask why? Why me? Why any of us? When will it be our turn? Will we ever get one?
6/26/08
It Happened For Me, it Can Happen For You Too
Why do people do this?
Lately it's been happening pretty often on TTC6+. People happily march over to our board to tell us to chin up, or to have hope. "It took my husband and me 10 months to get pregnant. I know what it's like to think it's never going to happen", or "Anyone want a CBEFM? I used it and got pregnant right away. Maybe it'll help one of you".
Excuse me but.... *Gag*
Now I know in their minds they are being helpful, and that it's coming from the kindest place possible, but OMG does it upset me.
Really, you tried for 10 months and you know what it feels like to be me? Really? 10 months seems a long time ago already. She even mentioned a m/c and I don't even have that to claim.
Not that I would want to go through that, not at all. I've seen my Nest friends hurt like no other over it, but part of me deep down says to myself that if I did have that happen at least I personally would know that I *could* get pregnant. Right now, I don't know that. All I know is my body has never even attempted a baby. I'm 36 years old and I haven't even had a scare. So no lady, you don't really know what it's like to think it's never going to happen. Just like I don't know what it's like to be some of my very dear friends who have struggled for much longer than I.
Many women talk about how things will be when they get pregnant, they can imagine themselves with a baby belly. I've realized recently that I can't anymore. It's scary, but I can't. It's like this unobtainable goal that I can't picture myself reaching. My mother of course would say I was giving up. I don't know what I would call it.
So when people say it happened for them and that it could happen for me too, I just don't believe them. I want to laugh in their faces. I want to ask them (while shaking them) "How do you know that?" Because they don't. They don't know that. And no amount of CBEFM's or pep talks will clear up the mystery as to whether I'll be a mother or not.
Lately it's been happening pretty often on TTC6+. People happily march over to our board to tell us to chin up, or to have hope. "It took my husband and me 10 months to get pregnant. I know what it's like to think it's never going to happen", or "Anyone want a CBEFM? I used it and got pregnant right away. Maybe it'll help one of you".
Excuse me but.... *Gag*
Now I know in their minds they are being helpful, and that it's coming from the kindest place possible, but OMG does it upset me.
Really, you tried for 10 months and you know what it feels like to be me? Really? 10 months seems a long time ago already. She even mentioned a m/c and I don't even have that to claim.
Not that I would want to go through that, not at all. I've seen my Nest friends hurt like no other over it, but part of me deep down says to myself that if I did have that happen at least I personally would know that I *could* get pregnant. Right now, I don't know that. All I know is my body has never even attempted a baby. I'm 36 years old and I haven't even had a scare. So no lady, you don't really know what it's like to think it's never going to happen. Just like I don't know what it's like to be some of my very dear friends who have struggled for much longer than I.
Many women talk about how things will be when they get pregnant, they can imagine themselves with a baby belly. I've realized recently that I can't anymore. It's scary, but I can't. It's like this unobtainable goal that I can't picture myself reaching. My mother of course would say I was giving up. I don't know what I would call it.
So when people say it happened for them and that it could happen for me too, I just don't believe them. I want to laugh in their faces. I want to ask them (while shaking them) "How do you know that?" Because they don't. They don't know that. And no amount of CBEFM's or pep talks will clear up the mystery as to whether I'll be a mother or not.
6/21/08
"I Feel Like You are Just Giving Up"
Sometimes I just want to pummel my mother. Today was one of those days.
I called her and the conversation was going fine but then she brings up the topic of our IF procedures.
"You need to work on Alex so you can get on with your 'project'" - She calls us going through IVF and getting knocked up "our project".
So I tell her that it's not about me "working on him", that that wouldn't solve anything. She knows we are going through therapy and I tell her that we just have to keep on working with the therapist.
She just doesn't get it and starts whining about how she feels like I'm giving up. At this point I'm getting pissed. "How am I giving up? I can't force him to impregnate me and that wouldn't work anyway".
"I know", she says. "I just get so sad seeing all these things I've saved over the years. It's like I bought them for nothing".
Oh.my.God.
She was lucky I didn't come over and murder her for that comment. Instead I just yelled over the phone.
"Sad, you want to talk to me about sad? You being sad over having baby stuff you've saved for a decade is nothing like what I am going through. I have stuff saved too if you want to get into that. I don't want to cry every day over this, and your comments are not helping."
I don't understand her some times. It's as if she thinks I can just talk to Alex and snap some sense into him. If I just cleaned the house and became superwife, he'd change his mind and knock me up immediately. It doesn't freaking work that way. He's like me. The more you push, the further he backs away.
Am I mad he did this to me? Yes. Am I upset that I seem to be the one giving up everything and he's just sitting back calling the shots? Hell, yes. But my mom telling me that, "He promised you before you got married that you'd have a baby and now he's going back on his promise", doesn't help.
Her telling me if we broke up, I could find someone else to father my children, doesn't help. (Like it's that freaking easy at my age anyway- Hmmm I think I'll go shopping for a new husband today)
But I haven't given up. I can't give up. If I give up on my dream of motherhood, I die.
I called her and the conversation was going fine but then she brings up the topic of our IF procedures.
"You need to work on Alex so you can get on with your 'project'" - She calls us going through IVF and getting knocked up "our project".
So I tell her that it's not about me "working on him", that that wouldn't solve anything. She knows we are going through therapy and I tell her that we just have to keep on working with the therapist.
She just doesn't get it and starts whining about how she feels like I'm giving up. At this point I'm getting pissed. "How am I giving up? I can't force him to impregnate me and that wouldn't work anyway".
"I know", she says. "I just get so sad seeing all these things I've saved over the years. It's like I bought them for nothing".
Oh.my.God.
She was lucky I didn't come over and murder her for that comment. Instead I just yelled over the phone.
"Sad, you want to talk to me about sad? You being sad over having baby stuff you've saved for a decade is nothing like what I am going through. I have stuff saved too if you want to get into that. I don't want to cry every day over this, and your comments are not helping."
I don't understand her some times. It's as if she thinks I can just talk to Alex and snap some sense into him. If I just cleaned the house and became superwife, he'd change his mind and knock me up immediately. It doesn't freaking work that way. He's like me. The more you push, the further he backs away.
Am I mad he did this to me? Yes. Am I upset that I seem to be the one giving up everything and he's just sitting back calling the shots? Hell, yes. But my mom telling me that, "He promised you before you got married that you'd have a baby and now he's going back on his promise", doesn't help.
Her telling me if we broke up, I could find someone else to father my children, doesn't help. (Like it's that freaking easy at my age anyway- Hmmm I think I'll go shopping for a new husband today)
But I haven't given up. I can't give up. If I give up on my dream of motherhood, I die.
6/20/08
Clomid the "Magic" Pill
The lengths women go to get on Clomid is redamndiculous.
I am so tired of seeing the stupid chicks on the Nest boards whine and cry about how they want twins, or how they've been trying for three long months and need to get on Clomid right away. Girls "Ashley" their way into getting it, crying to their doctors and would you believe some doctors actually give it to them? Some OBs dispense it like it is candy.
It is not fun people!! It is a harsh, nasty drug that I would never wish anyone to take, seriously.
So today we have a prime example of Clomid douchbaggery:
So we call her on it. I and others tell her that it was incredibly stupid for her to take so much against doctors orders and that she can't play the "I didn't know card" because Clomid only comes in 50mg pills and 150mg = 3 pills. So then she comes up with this excuse.
Hell yes, it was dumb, not to mention her doctor okayed it? WTF? What a fucking quack. No doctor worth his/her salt would okay someone to keep taking 200mg of Clomid like that. I mean I took 150mg and I was terribly overstimmed. I can't even imagine what 200mg would do to my body.
I tell her that she needs a new doctor stat and she responds:
Again...duh!
People like that make me want to scream. Oh well, it's not my ovaries.
I am so tired of seeing the stupid chicks on the Nest boards whine and cry about how they want twins, or how they've been trying for three long months and need to get on Clomid right away. Girls "Ashley" their way into getting it, crying to their doctors and would you believe some doctors actually give it to them? Some OBs dispense it like it is candy.
It is not fun people!! It is a harsh, nasty drug that I would never wish anyone to take, seriously.
So today we have a prime example of Clomid douchbaggery:
Did I have the big O?
From: VioletFemmeOC
Date: 6/20/2008 at 11:17 AMStupid question here since I know not to focus too much on one temp...
I took 200mg clomid this month (pharmacy _fucked up, supposed to be only 150) and my temp jumped way high this morning. Take a look...
http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/1a9ea6
Clomid taken earlier make you o earlier right? I took it days 2-6.
So we call her on it. I and others tell her that it was incredibly stupid for her to take so much against doctors orders and that she can't play the "I didn't know card" because Clomid only comes in 50mg pills and 150mg = 3 pills. So then she comes up with this excuse.
From: VioletFemmeOC
Date: 6/20/2008 at 2:24 PM
Yeah I was stupid for taking the wrong dosage but I called my doctor after the second day of taking 200mg and he told me to continue. I took the last dose on Monday night and haven't had any pain thank God but yeah, that was dumb of me.
Hell yes, it was dumb, not to mention her doctor okayed it? WTF? What a fucking quack. No doctor worth his/her salt would okay someone to keep taking 200mg of Clomid like that. I mean I took 150mg and I was terribly overstimmed. I can't even imagine what 200mg would do to my body.
I tell her that she needs a new doctor stat and she responds:
From: VioletFemmeOC
Date: 6/20/2008 at 4:21 PM
Sorry ladies, I had to run to Ralph's. I've been thinking for quite some time to switch doctors, maybe this is the time to do it.
Again...duh!
People like that make me want to scream. Oh well, it's not my ovaries.
6/10/08
WTF Moment of the Week
This was pulled off of two of the Nest boards this evening.
Now I know this most likely is MUD (made up drama)but it doesn't make it any less hurtful, especially considering I've seen shite like this before and that there are people who really do think like this. It makes me sick.
As my mother says, If God didn't mean for IF people to have babies he wouldn't have had IVF even thought of or created. The embryos wouldn't even be created or survive. Way to go Mom.
Natural=Spontaneous, Fertility treatments=Manmade!
From: Mr.F
Date: 6/10/2008 at 7:53 PMThis irks me to no end!~
Hello, if you and DH DTD and you conceived ( either a singleton or multiples ) it is a NATURALLY occuring pregnancy!!!
If, DH had to give his contribution in a cup to be *placed* by a 3rd party into your body, or in some cases, have his swimmers meet your eggie in a lab of all places IT IS MAN MADE! NOT A NATURAL PREGNANCY!!
I am VERY fertile!!!! Why can I not claim my ability to reproduce NATURALLY ( insert penis into vagina here ladies ) and claim that my multiples were made the old fashioned way!!!!
Broken, scorned women........maybe God never wanted you or your b roken DH's to carry on any lineage
Now I know this most likely is MUD (made up drama)but it doesn't make it any less hurtful, especially considering I've seen shite like this before and that there are people who really do think like this. It makes me sick.
As my mother says, If God didn't mean for IF people to have babies he wouldn't have had IVF even thought of or created. The embryos wouldn't even be created or survive. Way to go Mom.
6/9/08
"Who Against Hope Believed in Hope"
Hope is a double-edged sword. On one hand I want to have hope, and on the the other I wish it to be gone because, with hope, comes disappointment and heartache. This past cycle hope found me again and then left me battered, bruised, and literally bleeding at the end of it. Once again no baby for me, no hope, no real chance.
It was then that I thought of a song from my childhood.
I received my copy of Glory and Praise I got off of Ebay, today and wanted to share the first two verses of the song I sang at my First Communion. I've always loved it, but it has come to mean so much more for me now, especially as I deal with the pain of IF.
It is a religious song (actually taken from some words found written on a wall at Auschwitz) though I think it could have some meaning for many people.
I Believe in the Sun
I believe in the sun, even when it isn't shining.
I believe in love, even when there's no one there.
And I believe in God, I believe in God,
Even when he is silent.
I believe in miracles, I believe in light.
I believe there can always be a way.
I believe that nothing is impossible, I believe that nothing is impossible.
That all things are possible with God.
5/22/08
IF Truths
One of the lovely ladies on my home message board on the Nest posted the following letter. I love it and it is so dang true. Just for shits and giggles, the underlined ones are similar to things people have actually said to me (IF version of course).
1. As soon as you buy a wheelchair, I bet you'll be able to walk again!
2. You can't use your legs? Boy, I wish I was paralyzed. I get so tired of walking, and if I were paralyzed I wouldn't have to walk anywhere!
3. My cousin was paralyzed but she started shaving her legs in the other direction and she could walk again. You should try that.
4. I guess God just didn't mean for you to be able to walk.
5. Oh, I know exactly how you feel, because I have an ingrown toenail.
6. Sorry, we don't cover treatment for paraplegia, because it's not a life-threatening illness.
7. So... when are *you* going to start walking?
8. Oh, I have just the opposite problem. I have to walk walk walk - everywhere I go!
9. But don't you *want* to walk?
10. You're just trying too hard. Relax and you'll be able to walk.
11. You're so lucky... think of the money you save on shoes.
12. I don't know why you're being so selfish. You should at least be happy that *I* can walk.
13. I hope you don't try those anti-paralysis drugs. They sometimes make people run too fast and they get hurt.
14. Look at those people hiking... doesn't that make you want to hike?
15. Just relax, you'll be walking in no time.
16. Oh do my legs hurt, I was walking and walking and going up and down the stairs all day.
17. I broke my leg skiing, and was on crutches for weeks, and was worried I'd have a permanent limp, but I'm 100% healed.
18. I'd ask you to be in my wedding party but the wheelchair will look out of place at the altar.
19. You're being selfish, not coming on the hike with us, and looking at all of my track & field trophies.
20. Don't complain, you get all the good parking places.
21. If you just lose weight your legs will work again.
22. If you would just have more sex, you could walk!
23. You don't know how to walk? What's wrong with you? Here let a real man show you how to walk!
24. You are just trying too hard to walk. Give up, and then you'll walk.
25. Here, touch my legs, then you'll walk!
26. Just take a vacation, and the stress-break will be sure to get you walking!
27. When *we* were young we only had to worry about having to walk too much.
28. And I bet a paraplegic going to a bookstore doesn't find books about paralysis stacked next to all the books on running...
So here's a little hint. If someone you know tells you that she's trying to get pregnant and it's taking longer than expected, DON'T tell her to just relax. Don't tell her to adopt and then surely she'll get pregnant with her own child. Don't tell her that God has a plan for her. Don't say, "At least it's fun trying!" Scheduling sex with the person you love isn't fun. Getting vaginal ultrasounds every other day and intramuscular injections in your ass twice a day isn't fun. Finding out every single month that - yet again - it didn't work this month either is Just. Not. Fun. DO tell her that you're sorry she's going through such pain/grief/frustration. Do tell her that you're glad she told you.
Do tell her that, even if you don't bring it up (because you want to respect her privacy and understand that she might not feel like talking about it sometimes), that you're there for her if she ever wants to talk or vent.
And DON'T feel that because she told you that it's okay for you to tell your other friends, children, co-workers, neighbors, cousins, mailman, whomever - unless she tells you that it's okay to do so. Your need to share news pales in comparison to her need to maintain a shred of privacy and dignity.
So, what do you think people would say to you if you were paraplegic instead of infertile?
(author unknown)
1. As soon as you buy a wheelchair, I bet you'll be able to walk again!
2. You can't use your legs? Boy, I wish I was paralyzed. I get so tired of walking, and if I were paralyzed I wouldn't have to walk anywhere!
3. My cousin was paralyzed but she started shaving her legs in the other direction and she could walk again. You should try that.
4. I guess God just didn't mean for you to be able to walk.
5. Oh, I know exactly how you feel, because I have an ingrown toenail.
6. Sorry, we don't cover treatment for paraplegia, because it's not a life-threatening illness.
7. So... when are *you* going to start walking?
8. Oh, I have just the opposite problem. I have to walk walk walk - everywhere I go!
9. But don't you *want* to walk?
10. You're just trying too hard. Relax and you'll be able to walk.
11. You're so lucky... think of the money you save on shoes.
12. I don't know why you're being so selfish. You should at least be happy that *I* can walk.
13. I hope you don't try those anti-paralysis drugs. They sometimes make people run too fast and they get hurt.
14. Look at those people hiking... doesn't that make you want to hike?
15. Just relax, you'll be walking in no time.
16. Oh do my legs hurt, I was walking and walking and going up and down the stairs all day.
17. I broke my leg skiing, and was on crutches for weeks, and was worried I'd have a permanent limp, but I'm 100% healed.
18. I'd ask you to be in my wedding party but the wheelchair will look out of place at the altar.
19. You're being selfish, not coming on the hike with us, and looking at all of my track & field trophies.
20. Don't complain, you get all the good parking places.
21. If you just lose weight your legs will work again.
22. If you would just have more sex, you could walk!
23. You don't know how to walk? What's wrong with you? Here let a real man show you how to walk!
24. You are just trying too hard to walk. Give up, and then you'll walk.
25. Here, touch my legs, then you'll walk!
26. Just take a vacation, and the stress-break will be sure to get you walking!
27. When *we* were young we only had to worry about having to walk too much.
28. And I bet a paraplegic going to a bookstore doesn't find books about paralysis stacked next to all the books on running...
So here's a little hint. If someone you know tells you that she's trying to get pregnant and it's taking longer than expected, DON'T tell her to just relax. Don't tell her to adopt and then surely she'll get pregnant with her own child. Don't tell her that God has a plan for her. Don't say, "At least it's fun trying!" Scheduling sex with the person you love isn't fun. Getting vaginal ultrasounds every other day and intramuscular injections in your ass twice a day isn't fun. Finding out every single month that - yet again - it didn't work this month either is Just. Not. Fun. DO tell her that you're sorry she's going through such pain/grief/frustration. Do tell her that you're glad she told you.
Do tell her that, even if you don't bring it up (because you want to respect her privacy and understand that she might not feel like talking about it sometimes), that you're there for her if she ever wants to talk or vent.
And DON'T feel that because she told you that it's okay for you to tell your other friends, children, co-workers, neighbors, cousins, mailman, whomever - unless she tells you that it's okay to do so. Your need to share news pales in comparison to her need to maintain a shred of privacy and dignity.
2/13/08
No Chance of Hope
Not much to write because I've been crying too much this evening.
I had my ultrasound today and subsequently had this IUI cycle cancelled. My clomid was too high of a dose and I produced too many mature follicles, 5 of them by CD 9! Rather than risk HOM (high order multiples) we have had to cancel the IUI and are not allowed to even try on our own.
I am so sad. What else, God? This cycle has been reduced to a complete waste where I have absolutely no hope of getting a baby at the end.
I had my ultrasound today and subsequently had this IUI cycle cancelled. My clomid was too high of a dose and I produced too many mature follicles, 5 of them by CD 9! Rather than risk HOM (high order multiples) we have had to cancel the IUI and are not allowed to even try on our own.
I am so sad. What else, God? This cycle has been reduced to a complete waste where I have absolutely no hope of getting a baby at the end.
2/8/08
Walgreen's Breakdown
Otherwise known as: Don't Keep a Woman from her Hormones.
Just because my life seems to revolve around my lack of a baby and trying to obtain one, here is another TTC themed post.
So here we are cycle 11. We have now been formally diagnosed. We are both broken, yay! /sarcasm. MFI for Alex and Dysynchronous Endometrium for me. Basically his sperm are duds and my uterine lining sure as heck doesn't want to line up with the rest of my cycle.
Luckily, thanks for those prayers ladies, Alex's last SA was improved so we are now starting cycle 11 as our first medicated IUI cycle. IUI is insemination for thoe that don't understand. My RE put me 150mg of clomid to kick my cycle into gear. Thankfully the side effects have been minimal, though I've only been on it two days with three to go.
Getting the clomid however was a feat in and of itself.
I went to Target and they were confused by my drs script. He had written 150 mg with 3 pills and they weren't getting it. i had to show my IUI schedule to them where he clearly had "150mg from 3 pills total" filled in for them to understand. Then after a half an hour they tell me they can't fill it because they don't have the 15 pills.
So with cranky DH in tow I decide to go to Walgreens. It's dark, I'm hungry and tired, I'm just not in a good space.
They take forever to get my insurance info straight even asking me for my DH's SS. Like I would know that! Then they are all flustered over the 150mg thing. "But three 150mgs are too much. You can't take that much!" So I again show them my schedule which they make a copy of in order to accept the script. Great so now Walgreens has a copy of my reproductive schedule on file. They are privey to when I get shot up with sperm and what-not.
Then comes the moment when the chick realizes that my dr put today's date on two of the scripts but put tomorrows date on the clomid. They said they couldn't fill it. I, of coursse, freak out and immediately dissolve in tears. They called the office but it was after six so no way was he there. All I could do is cry and say, "I need to start it tonight". I think they realized that they had a crazy IF (infertile) woman in front of them and filled it.
I felt like a tool crying but I was so upset at the thought of not getting my drugs. It was like they were saying "no baby for you!"
Anyway so here I am on my clomid waiting to finish that and go into the drs office for my second ultrasound (with the huge dildo wand) to find out if we can keep going with the cycle. Don't want to have to many eggs going and don't want to have any cysts. Any of those and the cycle is cancelled. If not we can schedule a trigger shot in the butt and the rest I'll leave out. LOL
We have three of these before IVF in July. I'm just hoping we won't need to take that last step.
Just because my life seems to revolve around my lack of a baby and trying to obtain one, here is another TTC themed post.
So here we are cycle 11. We have now been formally diagnosed. We are both broken, yay! /sarcasm. MFI for Alex and Dysynchronous Endometrium for me. Basically his sperm are duds and my uterine lining sure as heck doesn't want to line up with the rest of my cycle.
Luckily, thanks for those prayers ladies, Alex's last SA was improved so we are now starting cycle 11 as our first medicated IUI cycle. IUI is insemination for thoe that don't understand. My RE put me 150mg of clomid to kick my cycle into gear. Thankfully the side effects have been minimal, though I've only been on it two days with three to go.
Getting the clomid however was a feat in and of itself.
I went to Target and they were confused by my drs script. He had written 150 mg with 3 pills and they weren't getting it. i had to show my IUI schedule to them where he clearly had "150mg from 3 pills total" filled in for them to understand. Then after a half an hour they tell me they can't fill it because they don't have the 15 pills.
So with cranky DH in tow I decide to go to Walgreens. It's dark, I'm hungry and tired, I'm just not in a good space.
They take forever to get my insurance info straight even asking me for my DH's SS. Like I would know that! Then they are all flustered over the 150mg thing. "But three 150mgs are too much. You can't take that much!" So I again show them my schedule which they make a copy of in order to accept the script. Great so now Walgreens has a copy of my reproductive schedule on file. They are privey to when I get shot up with sperm and what-not.
Then comes the moment when the chick realizes that my dr put today's date on two of the scripts but put tomorrows date on the clomid. They said they couldn't fill it. I, of coursse, freak out and immediately dissolve in tears. They called the office but it was after six so no way was he there. All I could do is cry and say, "I need to start it tonight". I think they realized that they had a crazy IF (infertile) woman in front of them and filled it.
I felt like a tool crying but I was so upset at the thought of not getting my drugs. It was like they were saying "no baby for you!"
Anyway so here I am on my clomid waiting to finish that and go into the drs office for my second ultrasound (with the huge dildo wand) to find out if we can keep going with the cycle. Don't want to have to many eggs going and don't want to have any cysts. Any of those and the cycle is cancelled. If not we can schedule a trigger shot in the butt and the rest I'll leave out. LOL
We have three of these before IVF in July. I'm just hoping we won't need to take that last step.
12/2/07
Children are a Work of ART
At least if I'm to have any, mine most likely will be, and by ART I mean Assisted Reproductive Technology.
I had my endometrial biopsy on Friday, since I had another failed cycle, and had arranged to take the rest of the afternoon off from work. I'm so glad I did because not only did it hurt like a bitch but I spent a good hour crying in the car with my mom.
I received some news that was something I didn't expect to hear. I expected that I would be the one with problems (I still may, I haven't gotten my biopsy results back yet) but it turned out it was Alex. His first SA was so bad they couldn't even complete all the tests.
It looks like he will be diagnosed with Severe MFI. According to my specialist, that means our only hope for a baby will be IVF with ICSI.
What? A test tube baby? Why God, why? I have never had anything easy in my life, never, and that news just felt like a slap in the face. I tried to hold it together in the office and ended up losing it in the car.
So now what? Alex has another SA on Tuesday and I'm praying that it be better, just 30% better so we could have the option of IUI. I don't know how we'll be able to afford IVF. I don't have $10,000+ lying around. We don't have credit and my insurance doesn't cover any infertility (a big FUCK YOU to the Catholic Church and their idea that IVF and other fertility treatments are degrading).
I am so, so sad. We need prayers right now, Alex for Tuesday (we don't have to tell Alex we are praying for him) and me for the strength to deal with it all. I'll take good, healing vibes too.
I had my endometrial biopsy on Friday, since I had another failed cycle, and had arranged to take the rest of the afternoon off from work. I'm so glad I did because not only did it hurt like a bitch but I spent a good hour crying in the car with my mom.
I received some news that was something I didn't expect to hear. I expected that I would be the one with problems (I still may, I haven't gotten my biopsy results back yet) but it turned out it was Alex. His first SA was so bad they couldn't even complete all the tests.
It looks like he will be diagnosed with Severe MFI. According to my specialist, that means our only hope for a baby will be IVF with ICSI.
What? A test tube baby? Why God, why? I have never had anything easy in my life, never, and that news just felt like a slap in the face. I tried to hold it together in the office and ended up losing it in the car.
So now what? Alex has another SA on Tuesday and I'm praying that it be better, just 30% better so we could have the option of IUI. I don't know how we'll be able to afford IVF. I don't have $10,000+ lying around. We don't have credit and my insurance doesn't cover any infertility (a big FUCK YOU to the Catholic Church and their idea that IVF and other fertility treatments are degrading).
I am so, so sad. We need prayers right now, Alex for Tuesday (we don't have to tell Alex we are praying for him) and me for the strength to deal with it all. I'll take good, healing vibes too.
11/12/07
They Speak the Truth
I wanted to share two videos that really have touched me.
My Aunt Jane Knows More Than my RE
I seriously have had people say all of this crap to me already!
I Would Die For That
I cry every time I watch this and no, it's not because it's a country song. Make sure you have Kleenex handy.
Cycle 8
I'm a lame person. I have been entrenched in misery and so as to spare you all, have kept to myself. Probably not a good move but no one likes a downer.
Anyway, I should probably fill you all in on me these past couple months. The beginning of this post is a rant, or brain dump as I call them, I wrote about a month and a half ago. Read at your own risk.
******************************
Warning: If you are a guy you probably don't want to read this. If you get easily skeeved out by body fluids you don't want to read this. If you don't want to listen to me whine, well, there's the "back" button...
I'm turning into a Bitter Betty. My last few months have been children obsessed. I'm not even talking about my 5th graders. Ugh I try to forget them as much as possible (at least the 4 kids that make every day a living hell). I'm talking about making a child obsession.
For the past 6 months my life has been TTC hell and frankly I'm tired of it and it's making me bitter.
Honestly I think HS health teachers are friggen liars! "Oh don't have unprotected sex, you'll get pregnant! Don't pull out, she'll get pregnant. Don't let him breathe on you, you'll get pregnant." Bullshit! How can two people have so much unprotected sex and not get knocked up? Every other day and then some people.
I am tired. I am tired of all the charting, taking my temp before my eyes even open and analyzing it every freaking day. I'm tired of fingering myself multiple times a day to check for...wait for it...cervical mucus. Poor Alex knows more about CM than any man should. I'm tired on peeing on stick to see if I'm ovulating and two weeks later peeing on sticks, hoping to see two lines and only ever getting one.
I'm tired of the PNVs, soy isoflaves, Omega 369, cranberry, green tea, magnesium, grapefruit juice, and baby carrots. I'm tired of all the psychosomatic symptoms and weird twinges. I'm tired of hoping every month to only have those hopes dashed on a negative pee stick or seeing spotting. And the sad thing is no matter how tired I am of it all I'll keep doing it until we reach our goal.
I know it's only been six months (we "officially" started in June but were not preventing from April on) but six months more will surely drive me batshit insane or make me incredibly depressed. If I hear, "just relax, it'll happen" one more time I'm going to punch that person in the face. Relaxing doesn't get you knocked up. We tried that anyway. I'm freaking 35 1/2. I don't have time to "relax". I already feel like I've deprived my future child of time with my mom or, God forbid, my Grammy. This breaks my heart. Obviously many women have babies later but I never thought I'd be childless at 35, never.
To make matters worse, pregnant people are everywhere. My friends, co-workers, old ex-friends (with twins for christsake!) are all knocked up. I ride the bus home and pregnant women or women with newborns just have to sit next to me out of all the seats they could choose. I hate being bitter and angry that I'm not one of them, but I am. It makes me feel so, so sad. So here I am admitting my green eyed monster and my fear that it'll never be me.
So where do we go from here? We keep trying.I keep temping. I keep praying for two lines and a "sticky bean". We endure sex with cups, ultrasounds, and bloodtests, hoping we are ok, that I'm ok. That's its just me that is tired and not my eggs.
*****************************
So that was a little over a month and a half and another BFN ago. I'm now on cycle 8. We have started fertility testing with a specialist. I have endured being poked by needles and having various liquids and devices shoved up my cervix (Boo to balloons and dye) and insurance not covering any of it. Oh yeah, the Catholic Church doesn't like fertility treatments. They think it's "degrading to the baby". Luckily everything is normal so far. Now we are just waiting on Alex's boys' results and lucky me gets to have a uterine biopsy and possible LAP. Oh joy!
I'm just really hoping that we get pregnant soon. My hope for a summer baby is gone and now I'll just take one whenever.
Of course that's just the half of it. My life is pretty much crap due to one student in particular but I'll save that rant for another time.
Anyway, I should probably fill you all in on me these past couple months. The beginning of this post is a rant, or brain dump as I call them, I wrote about a month and a half ago. Read at your own risk.
******************************
Warning: If you are a guy you probably don't want to read this. If you get easily skeeved out by body fluids you don't want to read this. If you don't want to listen to me whine, well, there's the "back" button...
I'm turning into a Bitter Betty. My last few months have been children obsessed. I'm not even talking about my 5th graders. Ugh I try to forget them as much as possible (at least the 4 kids that make every day a living hell). I'm talking about making a child obsession.
For the past 6 months my life has been TTC hell and frankly I'm tired of it and it's making me bitter.
Honestly I think HS health teachers are friggen liars! "Oh don't have unprotected sex, you'll get pregnant! Don't pull out, she'll get pregnant. Don't let him breathe on you, you'll get pregnant." Bullshit! How can two people have so much unprotected sex and not get knocked up? Every other day and then some people.
I am tired. I am tired of all the charting, taking my temp before my eyes even open and analyzing it every freaking day. I'm tired of fingering myself multiple times a day to check for...wait for it...cervical mucus. Poor Alex knows more about CM than any man should. I'm tired on peeing on stick to see if I'm ovulating and two weeks later peeing on sticks, hoping to see two lines and only ever getting one.
I'm tired of the PNVs, soy isoflaves, Omega 369, cranberry, green tea, magnesium, grapefruit juice, and baby carrots. I'm tired of all the psychosomatic symptoms and weird twinges. I'm tired of hoping every month to only have those hopes dashed on a negative pee stick or seeing spotting. And the sad thing is no matter how tired I am of it all I'll keep doing it until we reach our goal.
I know it's only been six months (we "officially" started in June but were not preventing from April on) but six months more will surely drive me batshit insane or make me incredibly depressed. If I hear, "just relax, it'll happen" one more time I'm going to punch that person in the face. Relaxing doesn't get you knocked up. We tried that anyway. I'm freaking 35 1/2. I don't have time to "relax". I already feel like I've deprived my future child of time with my mom or, God forbid, my Grammy. This breaks my heart. Obviously many women have babies later but I never thought I'd be childless at 35, never.
To make matters worse, pregnant people are everywhere. My friends, co-workers, old ex-friends (with twins for christsake!) are all knocked up. I ride the bus home and pregnant women or women with newborns just have to sit next to me out of all the seats they could choose. I hate being bitter and angry that I'm not one of them, but I am. It makes me feel so, so sad. So here I am admitting my green eyed monster and my fear that it'll never be me.
So where do we go from here? We keep trying.I keep temping. I keep praying for two lines and a "sticky bean". We endure sex with cups, ultrasounds, and bloodtests, hoping we are ok, that I'm ok. That's its just me that is tired and not my eggs.
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So that was a little over a month and a half and another BFN ago. I'm now on cycle 8. We have started fertility testing with a specialist. I have endured being poked by needles and having various liquids and devices shoved up my cervix (Boo to balloons and dye) and insurance not covering any of it. Oh yeah, the Catholic Church doesn't like fertility treatments. They think it's "degrading to the baby". Luckily everything is normal so far. Now we are just waiting on Alex's boys' results and lucky me gets to have a uterine biopsy and possible LAP. Oh joy!
I'm just really hoping that we get pregnant soon. My hope for a summer baby is gone and now I'll just take one whenever.
Of course that's just the half of it. My life is pretty much crap due to one student in particular but I'll save that rant for another time.
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