And You Call Yourself Family?

Yesterday was a bitch.

Even though I had been spotting for days and my temps were down I still had a tiny bit of hope. That was crushed at 3 am when I woke up with cramps so bad I could have ripped my uterus out and not cared.

Cycle 19 staring me in the face. Joy! Knowing that cycle 19 is already a dud due to Alex being out of town three or four days before I O, was another reason to be depressed. His sperm can hardly last an hour, they certainly won't last three days.

Yesterday we were travelling to the Bay Area to my cousin's little girl's 4th birthday. I had to stop in Target to get her a b'day present and had to steel myself against the onslaught of pregnant bellies and little ones. Blech. Sometimes I hate Target. Yesterday was one of those days.

We get to the party and everything is fine. Both my cousins (who are like my sisters) have two kids each, a boy and a girl. My mother fawns on them, as does most everyone else.

At one point I'm looking at this baby doll that belongs to Taylor, the birthday girl. It is hideous. Seriously, I don't think I've seen an uglier baby doll. First, off it's huge. No newborn is that size. It's the size of a small linebacker, or at least an overweight one year old. Secondly, it's molded face is awful. It would give most people the creeps. As a joke I covered it's face with its hat and placed it face down in the moses basket it was in. No big deal. Alex and my step daughter were laughing because they thought it was scary too.

I guess my mom was watching be because she looks at me and says,

"No wonder you don't have any kids"













Has that sunk in yet? Yeah, that's what I thought too. I slowly got up off the couch and ran outside so I could sob. Alex ran out to hold me and just let me cry.

WTH! She knew I had just started my period. She knows what I am going through. She has gone to RE appointments with me when my husband couldn't and cried with me when I got bad results. She fucking knew better.

Later, I try to compose myself and return to the party. My mom comes over to apologize but then says, "Kathy (my aunt) says I didn't say anything wrong". What a way to apologize mom. I could give a crap what my aunt thinks. Of course she doesn't think my mom said anything wrong. She doesn't have any clue what it is like to have IF daughters. She doesn't understand IF at.all.

My younger cousin takes me aside and tries to comfort me, which was surprising and very nice considering she was a total bitch that we have hardly talked to her in a year and a half since she didn't go to our wedding (it's a long story). I thought she knew about our IF because my mom had told my aunt and my other cousin so I thought Jill would have known as well. Guess she didn't or didn't think too hard about it.

She didn't understand, of course, and proceeded to tell me how she had two abortions (I knew about one) and when she couldn't get knocked up with a couple different boyfriends after seven years, she thought God was punishing her. Uhhhhhh. I just sat there nodding. I know she was trying to help so I didn't go off on her. Sometimes I think they only people who know how to help and what to say are those going through it themselves.

Anyway, long story short, we rode home in silence. I was still too pissed at my mom to talk. I hadn't talked to her the rest of the night while we were at the party. Once we got home I sat in the car and talked to her. She just cried and cried. See, my mom holds everything in and doesn't tell people when they upset her. I'm the opposite. I have to let it out or it eats me up. She has a hard time with that. She said she didn't mean to say that, that it came out wrong. She took me telling her that what she said was, "one of the cruelest things she could say" to mean that she, herself was cruel. She didn't see that telling me my aunt's comment sounded like an excuse for her behavior. She thinks she doesn't know what to say to me anymore because I get upset a lot.

Yet another reason why IF sucks.

At the end we ended up being ok. We needed to be because today I'm talking her to a Neil Diamond concert.