Oh the Guilt

The last few days have been something else. Last night I had to attend and be a speaker at the first Sacramental Preparation meeting for my second grade parents and those parents of the parish children going through the Sacraments this year. This is the reason I didn't want to teach second grade. I went through all the Sacraments myself but I probably shouldn't be teaching them. I also am divorced and living with someone which is a big no no.

So right before the presentations start Fr. Emil who is a youngish priest who will be part of the Sacrament program asks me when he finds out who my mother is (the school secretary) if I was the one getting married...no I say. "Oh is it your sister?" No I don't have a sister. The Sunday School teacher then pipes in, "Jennifer you'll already married aren't you?" Which I have to answer I was 'cause I can't lie *sigh*. So then I mention that I was wanting to get an annulment to which Fr. Emile says he's on the tribunal and we can talk about it afterwards.

So the meeting bombs...for me at least. Being a theatre person I can talk out my ass for ages...have no problem being in front of people but I was not doing well this night. I should have sounded canned and read off my handouts but nooooo I had to try to wing it without reading and sounded lame in the process.

Afterwards. I talked with Fr. Emile in the rectory for a couple minutes about the whole annulment thing. I had to cry of course. Sometimes divorce seems like such a shameful thing, you failed or you didn't try hard enough. He was very kind about it and said some people were just not meant for each other. Then the whole cost of an annulment came up and I burst into tears again..even worse when he said that I wouldn't have to worry about it and that he would have the church take care of it. It's damn expensive and partially the reason I've waited for so long.

So now I have to fill out all the paperwork, obtain witnesses (5 of them), and write out our history (5 pages worth). Then it goes to the diocese tribunal (court) and then to the archdiocese if it makes it through the first round. All this to clear my marriage slate. Or not, as Fr. Emile said, to say it never happened but that it was non Sacramental. *sigh* I don't plan on getting married in the church again but I didn't want to be committing a major "sin" whenever I do get remarried.

Either way my future with communion is doomed..which sucks for my job.

Sometimes religion sucks.

And that brings us to today. My relationship with the secretary at the school is unique because well she's my mom..so I see my mom every day. After school she came into my room to talk with me about something I was angry with her for doing. She had told me that she sent my ex a birthday card. I know she had done this the last two years we were not together as well as to all his family but give me a break...we're divorced now...I have someone new. So I was mad. She said she didn't put love on it or anything. She just wanted to send him one since she sends them to everyone else in his family. I explained why I was angry and she understood but didn't say she'd stop.

Then she started tearing up about the whole loss of "family" (like we all were that close) with the divorce (like they talked to me at all after the separation). When she cries I cry so I was trying to hold it together. Then she starts in on the full blown tears because she isn't a grandma yet and "she wants a grandbaby". I don't need to hear that crap because I already hurt not having a kid. I want one so bad it drives me batty but what can I do? I can't have one now, I'd lose my job. I don't want to have one before I get re-hitched anyway. She thinks she is going to be an ancient grandma but she doesn't realize that I don't want to be an older mother either. Her crying and making me feel like shit doesn't help anything. It just makes it worse.

Alex told me the other day he wasn't ready to get married right now because he wasn't happy with himself. Well I would think if that was holding me back I would start doing something about it. I don't see him doing anything to lose weight which is what he is unhappy about. Eating HUGE portions of food and snacking all through the night doesn't help. I can't help him and I can't ever talk to him about it because he just gets mad. So no self satisfaction, no ring...no babies. *sigh*

Frustration

Sometimes I just want to kick certain people.

Dan, my ex husband, called me today to tell me he was sending me $200.00 (out of the $1400.00 he owes me). He proceeds to go on and on about how he misses me every day and how he misses my widow's peak and whatever other body part he happens to throw in that day. Told me he loves me. How the hell does he expect me to react? I don't give a damn that he dreams of me or that he can't get over me. I mean he couldn't say anything nice when we were together. All I got then was awful, evil shit I can't even repeat it hurts so bad. Obsession over body parts just makes me feel like the sex object he kept wanting me to be. He was too lame to realize that words and actions really affected my perception and desire of him.

All I could say was, "Dan it's been two years". I have no other reaction to him when he says these things. Apparently he tried to date but can't...talks about me all the time. *sigh* He knows I've moved on and am quite happy, at least I've told him that. Whether or not it computes is another thing.

What really pissed me off was the fact he mentioned a son of some friends of his (former friends of mine). He said how the kid was so great and how wonderful it was to play with him and be with him, hold him...how he'd like to have a kid. I could vomit...really. I told him I never wanted to hear those words come out of his mouth. HOW DARE HE??? Besides the alcohol consumption, the children issue was the largest problem. He knew I wanted a baby so bad and yet changed his mind on me saying no. To hear him say that kind of shit makes me livid.

I also found out he's good friends with some older woman who's a new teacher at the school I'm going to teach at. She knows all about me. I don't even have to explain why that's irritating. She better not EVER talk to me about him.

It just upsets me how no matter how happy and stable I am with Alex, Dan still can piss me off to no end and remind me of how we were a failure. I never expected to get divorced. When I got married it was for good and it still hurts that it has gone down like it did. And he telling me all this crap, how the hell am I supposed to react? Am I supposed to run back to him or something? It's no going to happen...it's too late.