I'm a Yo-Yo

Oh yes, I am.

I don't know what thinking Alex did in his sleep the other night or at work yesterday but it seems like he's thinking outside of his ass now. He said he looked at things from a a different angle and we are going to revisit the IVF issue at our next appointment.

I also asked him what would happen if his daughter said she wasn't happy with us having a kid, would we stop trying? He said that no she would in no way make the decision for us, he just wanted to include her in what we were doing.

I also made it very clear that *if* we started the IVF process, from BCP on, he was not to cancel on me. That there would be no turning back and he agreed.

Anyway, I'm not holding my breath at this moment. We'll see on Friday morning whether I get to call the RE or not. I'm just glad he took a look at the situation from all points of view.

Keep the prayers coming ladies. Maybe it worked.

Stick a Fork in Me

I'm done...

I'm done with all of this waiting, hoping, and planning. It does me no good and I'm just getting my heart broken over and over again.

I didn't get the answers I wanted or needed yesterday at therapy. Alex just recycled everything he feels is wrong in our relationship. We ended up focusing on his 18 year old son who has Aspergers and how he may come to live with us full time (not my choice). This subject is what made Alex blow up at me recently because I asked if helping support his son would put us off having a kid of our own. I didn't realize it was such an incendiary question.

Anyway the session ended poorly. I hoped after Alex cooled down, we might get to talk about the IVF issue. No go with that. It's like it's the elephant in the room. He knows I want to talk about, knows I want answers but won't give them to me.

Finally, while in bed, I brought up something we discussed at therapy (normally I won't do that because he wants to follow dr's orders) and how it upset me. It became a big ol' discussion (it wasn't really an arguement) about how he doesn't think we are ready for IVF. He said that he has no faith in me and that he thinks that all the work I've done (because he's perfect and doesn't have to work on anything) is going to go back to the way it was as soon as his daughter comes back. He also thinks things will go back when I go back to work. He also said, and this is the kicker, that he wants to ask her what she thinks about us having a kid.

What? What the fuck?

He told her years ago, after she made a statement about not wanting us to have kids, that it wasn't her decision. So why now, is he going back on that? I told him that that was absurd, that no one asks for their 17 year old child's permission to have a child. He thinks otherwise and says it's a special situation.

Special situation, my ass! You just want another excuse. And with that I spent another night crying myself to sleep. That's getting really old.

So even though he hasn't said it, I'm going to assume with this last conversation that we will not be going through IVF this September. So as of now I'm not going to hope for anything. I can't do it anymore. Even though I need something to look forward to so much right now, I just can't do it. We'll just keep on trying naturally and IVF will be put on the back burner of my mind.

This won't come to a fairytale ending if I don't.

Like Sands Through an Hourglass

Last night's sadness continued further into the evening. I had cried for everyone else earlier in the night and ended up crying for myself when I was trying to fall asleep. Alex, of course was oblivious to my tears as he always is, sleeping away as I cry my eyes out.

I hate that. It makes me cry all the more because I start to get pissed off.

You are part of the reason I'm crying buddy and you can't even wake up and aknowledge that.

And time continues to slip away. I'm starting to freak out again, freak out that Septemeber won't be our month either. I had to call my clinic yesterday to take care of a bill and I asked the finance person if we'd have to make an appointment with her to go over IVF stuff. She said yes. So before we get this IVF show on the road I'm assuming we'd have to meet with:

1.) RE
2.) IVF coordinator
3.) Financial/insurance coordinator
4.) God knows who else

I also was told that if we waited too long I'd have to redo bloodwork so I have until November for that. She wanted to know if I wanted to make an appointment over the phone and I told her I couldn't just yet. Again everything has to be held off until the last minute and it's stressing me out beyond belief. It shouldn't be that way.

Yet Alex is blissfully unaware of all of it. We have therapy tomorrow and we'll see if I can get a straight answer from him. Things are going really well between us, shouldn't he give me a chance?

I hate this.

Catching Up

Grrr to nights where I think so much that I can't sleep..not to mention Alex is working late on a report and I can't seem to sleep anymore unless he's in the bed with me.

I haven't updated in over a months and so much has gone on. Some good, some sad, and some down right shitty.

Work has had it's ups and downs. We are going through accreditation right now. WASC is a bitch. Tons of meetings on top of meetings to write this huge document to prove we are a worthwhile school. This of course leads up to observations and such. Last year at the preschool we went through Cal State funding rigmarole and that was a treat in and of itself but it was nothing like this. Last year I sailed through it not even needing to go through a personal inquisition because the State went through all my paperwork with a fine tooth comb and found it "flawless". We received a perfect score. I'm sure this will go just as well but I'm afraid for the inquisition mainly because I am new there.

Second grade is growing on me more, though there are some days all I can think about it coming home and going to sleep as soon as I get up. We had an excellent unit on Dia de Los Muertos (Day of the Dead) at the end of October/beginning of Nov. We had an altar set up in class with pictures of loved ones who had passed along with candles, marigolds, and our decorated sugar skulls. The children were so interested in it, it was a beautiful thing. We are very fortunate in that we are a private Parochial school because we are able to cover things that many schools could not.
This mainly is the religious aspect of cultures.

On the last day of out unit we went into the Mission graveyard and had a prayer ceremony and the children were able to lay flowers on the Native American graves there. It was very moving with the children being so respectful and happy to be able to gift them with flowers. It really helped bring the idea of remembrance in death. Of course I cried when we all talked about those that had gone in our families who were special to us. The looks on the kids faces were pure shock. Some even started to tear up themselves. Seems they never saw a teacher cry before but it gave us an opportunity to talk about missing those we loved and about how anyone can cry and it's ok.

Thanksgiving went well too...at least in the classroom. There is nothing better than being able to dispel a myth and teach the truth. Luckily the resources on the 1621 Harvest Festival are growing and today's children will hopefully have teachers who refuse to teach stereotypes. Again I must seem like the militant socialist at school or something because my mother was absolutely livid with me when we had a conversation on the subject. She doesn't understand why we can't say Pilgrims or why I refuse to say Indians. She thinks the traditions should stay in place and doesn't believe me when I say ther aren't true. *sigh* Some people are so stuck in their ways.

Thanksgiving itself started out pretty lame. For some reason I turned on the parade..why? And there was this big ol' float with Judy Collins singing on it and all sorts of happy "pilgrims and indians" dancing around it. What the hell!!! The colonists never wore all black or those stupid tall hats. The Wampanoag didn't wear long flowing feather headdresses!!! Don't people realize by portraying Native Americans all the same way that it would be the same as saying and portraying all Europeans wearing the same traditional dress and speaking the same language? Grrr I could go on but I won't.

All I know is for some reason my views became comical relief to my mother and to my family at the dinner table on Thanksgiving, with my cousin's husband going, "So Jennifer I hear you have a problem with Pilgrims and Indians." Everyone laughed at the following conversation..they thought it hilarious. I ended up crying and walking out of the building. Alex was pissed, he almost had us leave. They are just ignorant, what can I do? Ok so maybe ignorant isn't the word. They just haven't had their eyes opened to the world around them and freed themselves from the American world view. There..that's nicer.

On the Alex front things are going very well. We had such a wonderful birthday weekend for him. It was just pure happiness. It was funny because he brought up a ring discussion and talked about where we might get married. That made me happy because I so often suppress any wedding thoughts or convos cause I don't want to freak him out. I've been told a ring will not be an Xmas present but maybe soon. I just know he's the one for me, he supports me, he loves me, he makes me happy. He loves my rats, he makes me steaks, and he cares for the world as I do. How lucky am I?

Oh the Guilt

The last few days have been something else. Last night I had to attend and be a speaker at the first Sacramental Preparation meeting for my second grade parents and those parents of the parish children going through the Sacraments this year. This is the reason I didn't want to teach second grade. I went through all the Sacraments myself but I probably shouldn't be teaching them. I also am divorced and living with someone which is a big no no.

So right before the presentations start Fr. Emil who is a youngish priest who will be part of the Sacrament program asks me when he finds out who my mother is (the school secretary) if I was the one getting married...no I say. "Oh is it your sister?" No I don't have a sister. The Sunday School teacher then pipes in, "Jennifer you'll already married aren't you?" Which I have to answer I was 'cause I can't lie *sigh*. So then I mention that I was wanting to get an annulment to which Fr. Emile says he's on the tribunal and we can talk about it afterwards.

So the meeting bombs...for me at least. Being a theatre person I can talk out my ass for ages...have no problem being in front of people but I was not doing well this night. I should have sounded canned and read off my handouts but nooooo I had to try to wing it without reading and sounded lame in the process.

Afterwards. I talked with Fr. Emile in the rectory for a couple minutes about the whole annulment thing. I had to cry of course. Sometimes divorce seems like such a shameful thing, you failed or you didn't try hard enough. He was very kind about it and said some people were just not meant for each other. Then the whole cost of an annulment came up and I burst into tears again..even worse when he said that I wouldn't have to worry about it and that he would have the church take care of it. It's damn expensive and partially the reason I've waited for so long.

So now I have to fill out all the paperwork, obtain witnesses (5 of them), and write out our history (5 pages worth). Then it goes to the diocese tribunal (court) and then to the archdiocese if it makes it through the first round. All this to clear my marriage slate. Or not, as Fr. Emile said, to say it never happened but that it was non Sacramental. *sigh* I don't plan on getting married in the church again but I didn't want to be committing a major "sin" whenever I do get remarried.

Either way my future with communion is doomed..which sucks for my job.

Sometimes religion sucks.

And that brings us to today. My relationship with the secretary at the school is unique because well she's my mom..so I see my mom every day. After school she came into my room to talk with me about something I was angry with her for doing. She had told me that she sent my ex a birthday card. I know she had done this the last two years we were not together as well as to all his family but give me a break...we're divorced now...I have someone new. So I was mad. She said she didn't put love on it or anything. She just wanted to send him one since she sends them to everyone else in his family. I explained why I was angry and she understood but didn't say she'd stop.

Then she started tearing up about the whole loss of "family" (like we all were that close) with the divorce (like they talked to me at all after the separation). When she cries I cry so I was trying to hold it together. Then she starts in on the full blown tears because she isn't a grandma yet and "she wants a grandbaby". I don't need to hear that crap because I already hurt not having a kid. I want one so bad it drives me batty but what can I do? I can't have one now, I'd lose my job. I don't want to have one before I get re-hitched anyway. She thinks she is going to be an ancient grandma but she doesn't realize that I don't want to be an older mother either. Her crying and making me feel like shit doesn't help anything. It just makes it worse.

Alex told me the other day he wasn't ready to get married right now because he wasn't happy with himself. Well I would think if that was holding me back I would start doing something about it. I don't see him doing anything to lose weight which is what he is unhappy about. Eating HUGE portions of food and snacking all through the night doesn't help. I can't help him and I can't ever talk to him about it because he just gets mad. So no self satisfaction, no ring...no babies. *sigh*