Showing posts with label childhood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label childhood. Show all posts

7/4/08

Big Sur is Burning



It's been burning since the 21st of June. Big Sur is one of my favorite places. I've hiked there, camped there, swam in the river there, danced on the mountain tops there, and have wonderful memories of my family there. DH and I took his mom and dad there a few months before his dad died. Nepenthe, although a building and business, is a big part of my life and memories and the thought of it burning down to the ground kills me.


Fire Unexpectedly Worsens; Big Sur Is Ordered to Evacuate
By JESSE McKINLEY

BIG SUR, Calif. — Facing a stubborn fire, California officials ordered the evacuation of Big Sur on Wednesday as flames flared on nearby mountaintops and moved steadily toward this coastal retreat.

Firefighters have been attacking a fire near Big Sur for 11 days and had been helped in recent days by fog, moist conditions and lighter winds. Seventeen homes have been lost here — more than half the total destroyed statewide from the first major wildfires of the season — but many residents had been allowed to remain as the fire stayed to the east and south.

But overnight Tuesday the fire unexpectedly intensified, prompting mandatory evacuations of residents on both sides of Highway 1, the scenic coastal byway that runs through the Big Sur valley.

“It’s tough to move out of your home; we understand that,” said Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, who visited the town with federal emergency officials on Wednesday, “but do it.”

Yellow smoke and ash mixed in the air as a procession of possession-laden cars, trucks and vans streamed north out of town. Horses, goats, cats and dogs were also being trucked out by animal welfare workers, as helicopters ferried back and forth to the ocean, drawing out water to dump on smoldering hillsides east of town.

One of those evacuating was Erica Sanborn, 28, who was living with her husband and their dog in a hotel in Big Sur, having already been forced out of their home, farther south on the coast.

“I’m kind of numb,” said Ms. Sanborn, an emergency room nurse who awoke to an evacuation order after a night shift. “I would never think that Big Sur could burn.”

Statewide, more than 19,000 firefighters and other workers have been fighting fires since June 20, when a line of storms and lightning sparked hundreds of blazes across the northern and central parts of the state. The blaze near Big Sur — known as the Basin Complex — is just one of some 1,100 confirmed fires on federal and state lands in California, according to CalFire, the state fire agency, though exact figures were hard to confirm. Hundreds of others have been contained or put out.

Costs were also rising. State officials have spent more than $50 million on the current fires, according to CalFire. On Tuesday, Mr. Schwarzenegger had ordered around 200 National Guard troops to provide ground support to firefighters.

The major culprit in the blazes is a persistent drought that has made for volatile fire conditions. Steep terrain was also complicating firefighting efforts. Tina Rose, a spokeswoman for the fire operation, said that about 20 miles of Highway 1 along the coast were closed, shutting down access to famous — and currently shuttered — resorts like the Ventana Inn and the Post Ranch.

One local celebrity, the Beach Boys’ guitarist Al Jardine, said he had loaded up a trailer with musical equipment on Monday night, and was hoping to hold out before the evacuation order came.

“It’s depressing,” Mr. Jardine said. “People are walking around like zombies.”



So many articles I could post...

As fire nears Big Sur, residents and beasts flee

July 3, 2008

BIG SUR, Calif. (AP) — Piles of charred rubble smoldered near California's scenic coastal highway Thursday as a ferocious wildfire descended on the storied tourist town of Big Sur, destroying vacation homes and sending forest creatures running toward the sea for cover.
The stubborn blaze, which has burned more than 100 square miles in the Los Padres National Forest, was just one of hundreds raging around the state. And officials on Thursday reported California's first firefighter death this year — a volunteer who collapsed on the fire line in Mendocino County.

So much forest has burned near Big Sur that animals have been forced out of their habitat and onto the roads. Buzzards flew overhead to snatch up dead rodents and squirrels, and residents reported seeing bear, deer and other big animals migrating toward the Pacific Ocean.

Meanwhile, crews near the Pacific Coast Highway fought back flames from homes and historic landmarks, including the upscale Ventana Inn, which was surrounded by crackling, burning brush.

Several homes perched on a ridge about a quarter-mile from the cliffside inn fell victim to the fire the night before.

At least 20 homes have been destroyed in the area since the blaze broke out June 21, up from 17 homes counted Wednesday. The fire was only 5% contained by Thursday evening.

Many Big Sur residents followed mandatory evacuation orders issued this week, but some chose to defy the orders, staying behind to try to save their homes and businesses.

Kirk Gafill, general manager of Nepenthe, said he and five employees were up all night trying to protect the cliffside restaurant his grandparents built in 1949. Wearing dust masks, the crew scrambled to stamp out embers, some the size of dinner plates, that were dropping from the sky, he said.

"We know fire officials don't have the manpower to secure our properties," Gafill said. "There are a lot of people in this community not following evacuation orders. Based on what we saw during Katrina and other disasters, we know we can only rely on ourselves and our neighbors."

Greg Ambrosio, who lives next to Nepenthe, signed a waiver Wednesday night to stay in his house. But his plans to stay were disrupted when he was awoken by a neighbor in the middle of the night who warned of the approaching inferno.

"Then there's a knock on the door, and we go outside and the fire had just expanded. It was Armageddon," he said. "Just yellow smoke and ash mixed with fire. It was just raining down."

Ambrosio said he and his wife grabbed their cat and drove to a relative's house for the night.

A total of 367 wildfires are burning in the state, most ignited by lightning, according to the California Department of Forestry and Fire Protection, known as Cal Fire, and the U.S. Forest Service. That figure is down from a peak of roughly 1,500 fires just a few days ago.

In all, the wildfires have scorched more than 790 square miles and destroyed at least 65 structures across northern and central California since June 20, according to Cal Fire.

With firefighting resources stretched thin early in the fire season, counties have been recruiting volunteer firefighters to help with smaller blazes.

On Thursday, volunteer firefighter Robert Roland, 63, died in a Mendocino County hospital after collapsing a day earlier while battling lightning-sparked blazes in the area, north of the San Francisco Bay region. It was the first reported death of a firefighter this season, and the governor ordered flags at the Capitol to fly at half-staff.

Crews made progress at a separate wildfire burning nearly 130 square miles southeast of Big Sur. The blaze, also in Los Padres National Forest, was about 95% contained Thursday.

6/22/08

The Robert Downey Jr of Cookies

I love The Daily Show and The Colbert Report and I've always been a huge Sesame Street fan from toddlerhood so I especially loved Thursday's episode of The Colbert Report.

6/20/08

"The Boring Room of the World"

I was thinking about this SNL skit last night and how much I always loved seeing it. Oh and I didn't resemble Judy Miller at all ;) Not at all.

Click on the pic for the video and make sure you pause my blog music.

6/15/08

"Bruises Fade but the Pain Remains the Same"

I can't sleep so I decided to brain dump, I need to right now...



So here it is, another Non-existent father's day. Do they make Hallmark cards for that? I do admit I've looked for "thank you mom for being everything cards".

This has always been one of my most, if not *the* most, dreaded days.

This is the day where countless children spend time with their daddies who hug them and kiss them and tell them they love them. I never was one of those children. I never had a real daddy. I feared my father, dreading having to spend time with him, never knowing if I would be lied to or hurt emotionally or physically.

I think back on how far I have come from the angry and afraid young girl to the woman I am today. No longer does my throat clench when I talk about him, no longer does the anger course through my veins. The hurt, though lessened, is still there. The tears still manage to sneak out from time to time.

I do wish it would go away, that he wouldn't affect me anymore but that is a tall task. It's there, just under the surface, lurking in the shadows.

It'll show during therapy, most especially when I was hypnotized several years back (Hello, I never want to "live" through being 6 again!).

It'll show through at weddings during father/daughter dances where I will clear a room as if it was on fire, though never fast enough to stop the tears from flowing.

It'll show when I see a daddy with his little girl, being gentle and sweet with her.

It shows through when Alex and Bethia joke around and share a moment just for them. I get jealous because once again I feel left out.

In 2005 my "father" contacted me. He found my email through a web search and wrote:

found you on the internet- what a great site! Hope you are well and happy - As an adult put aside the past - We have all made mistakes - if you want no
further communications, in your answer just say NO. Daddy



For the first time in my life I really stood up to him. I wrote back everything I had been meaning to say for years, being very careful to not bring my mother and what he had done to her into the equation.


I don't even know where to begin this letter. It has been long coming, yet I have put it off each time, out of fear, out of wanting to forget it all, out of wanting to move past the past. I am angry but mostly I am hurt. I hurt for the life I had and the loss of what I should have had. Most importantly I am not afraid anymore.

Previous messages from you as well as the current have stated that I need to "as an adult put aside the past". I have had my past haunt me for many, many years. I am finally at the point where I can talk about it without crying, without feeling my throat clench up in anger. You also said in the email that "we all have made mistakes". I can't imagine what mistakes a little girl could have possibly made, what I ever could have done to deserve what happened to me.

I asked you once why, on my 8th birthday, I was chastised in front of my friends and then forced to sit at the table while those friends were told to eat my ice cream. It was my birthday and not only did I have to endure being screamed at in public, I was to sit there and watch them eat their ice cream as well as my own. It was the first time I dared ask you about any childhood incident. You replied that I must have done something wrong. This statement is utterly ridiculous. I was a great kid, I didn't talk back, I obeyed. It took me a long time to realize I didn't do anything wrong, I didn't do anything to deserve being burnt with boiling water, being whipped with a belt, having my favorite toy being hid as I cried, experiencing countless lies and broken promises, etc etc. It wasn't ME, it NEVER WAS.

I understand now what you went through as a child. I know what kind of life you had. It was awful and you didn't deserve it. But neither did I. You had NO right to do what you did to me, nor what you did to my mother who was too weak to do anything about it. You, as a parent, should have stopped that cycle of abuse. It was up to you to do so. I know what it's like but I also know it can be done, for you have passed on your blinding anger to me. I, in turn, have broken the cycle. I acknowledge my fury and I have worked through it. I know what damage I sustained at the hand and voice of an abusive parent and I WILL NOT pass that on to any child of my own. You may say that I'm a crazy bitch or whatever and feel I am wronging you by what I have said but I know denial can run deep and I know what scars I have. Deep emotional scars.

I remember you saying when I was about 7 or so, when you didn't know I was listening, that you didn't want me, that you didn't care what happened to me. All I wanted in life was a father who loved me more than anything else. I still wish I had that every day of my life. And the sad thing is I know you probably will never realize how much I hurt. Of course I always have hope that you will understand what you did was wrong and feel badly. However, I don't expect there to be an apology and the hurt will probably never go away.

To end I'd like to share with you some pictures I have saved on my computer. One is a picture of you and me as a baby. Another is of me at around age four. I look upon these old pictures and I think of how our lives should have been and of how much that little girl needed a Daddy. I did love you and I just wanted you to love me.



Jennifer


He of course denied it all. He wrote back saying my mother was a liar and had made all of it up, that me hearing that he had done all those awful things over and over, made me believe it actually happened. In his mind he wasn't involved in these things and I was too young to actually have accurate memories of them.

But he was involved and I do remember. I remember being hit, I remember being stuck in the corner for hours at age four, I remember my mother crying after being beaten and seeing her being raped in front of me. I remember all the emotional damage that was done, from my teddy bear that I need to go to sleep being hid on top of the refrigerator where a toddler couldn't find it, to being promised a computer if I got on the honor roll in high school and getting an empty computer box, as a joke, instead. He thought it was hilarious while I just cried.

So today is the day I mourn what I lack. I mourn what I should have had. I mourn what could have made me a stronger person, a better person, what could have made me whole. Today I mourn my daddy.

*Pause my blog music to hear a song that really touches me*

Christina Aguilera- I'm Ok

6/10/08

"Look at Me, Look at Me, Look at Me"

The following post was composed while commuting home on the bus. It has nothing to do with babies...imagine that.



I am a fairly extroverted person. I like hanging out with people and like spending time talking to people. We were discussing this in therapy last week because, while I need people, my DH really doesn't. At least he doesn't need people like I do.

Our therapist feels we both have trust issues and that it causes my DH to not reach out to people. So what's the deal with me? I had a horrific childhood and yet I still yearn for human companionship. DH had a great childhood and he's the opposite. He doesn't want to be noticed and I do.

A few weeks ago, after a matinee, my actor friend James(see above), who played opposite me in Plaza Suite, and I were discussing theatre (as we narcissistic actors are want to do)and came across a possible childhood treatment/future actor connection.

James told me about how he was teased horribly as a boy as was I (How could I not know this after being friends with the man for 16 years?). So why would these berated children become extroverts? Why would we want to be looked at so much? Exactly for that reason I suppose. We want to be paid attention to, to be noted, to be appreciated. We were left behind and ignored or ridiculed as kids and now we are praised and admired (hopefully). We force people to stare at us for two hours or more, demand the attention we are owed.

-Whoa I totally sound like a Sondheim musical there or a Miller play, "Attention must be paid!"

Anyway, it was a light bulb moment for both of us and something I've never really thought about. All I ever knew is that theatre saved me. It pulled me from a dark pit of despair.

On stage I feel alive and free. On stage I am the true Jennifer and man, she's kick ass. I wish I could be her all the time.

I suppose that's another therapy session.


Dustin Hoffman on why he acts:

Well, one day as I was working with Lawrence Olivier, I asked him that question. Why do we do this?? And he replied many times, Look at me! Look at me! Look at me! Look at me! I got goose bumps. But that's true, it's all about being somewhat the center of attention, this is why I love doing interviews, meeting people. Look at me.

6/9/08

"Who Against Hope Believed in Hope"


Hope is a double-edged sword. On one hand I want to have hope, and on the the other I wish it to be gone because, with hope, comes disappointment and heartache. This past cycle hope found me again and then left me battered, bruised, and literally bleeding at the end of it. Once again no baby for me, no hope, no real chance.

It was then that I thought of a song from my childhood.

I received my copy of Glory and Praise I got off of Ebay, today and wanted to share the first two verses of the song I sang at my First Communion. I've always loved it, but it has come to mean so much more for me now, especially as I deal with the pain of IF.

It is a religious song (actually taken from some words found written on a wall at Auschwitz) though I think it could have some meaning for many people.

I Believe in the Sun

I believe in the sun, even when it isn't shining.
I believe in love, even when there's no one there.
And I believe in God, I believe in God,
Even when he is silent.

I believe in miracles, I believe in light.
I believe there can always be a way.
I believe that nothing is impossible, I believe that nothing is impossible.
That all things are possible with God.