IF can be a ticket straight to divorce court if you aren't careful.
Yesterday, after therapy, Alex told me that he was upset because I was becoming the type of woman he always hated, a woman obsessed with having babies. He said that he was sad because I wasn't the Jennifer he fell in love with.
I just sat there as he was driving and cried.
I told him that I didn't like me either. I was upset that I was becoming this person and longed for the old me back.
I hate obsessing over babies but it's not something I can stop. I'm the one who has to chart, pee on sticks, take the pills, check my CM, temp every day, buy his supplement, stress over "symptoms", stare at the BFNs, wait for the bleeding to start, and figure out where, when and how we can get back into treatment. I'm carrying this all on my own and he's the one with the main issue.
There I said it.
I'm carrying the whole weight of this on my back when really it's not my issue. And because of it, I have become the depressed, changed person I wrote about in my last blog. Because of it, my husband doesn't know who I am anymore.
After we worked through some stuff last night I got to thinking about my girls on the TTC6+ board and about how a few of them are struggling in their marriages. Their husbands always seem to be holding them back somehow, some even sabotaging the process. We all carry it on our backs and the guys float along, seemingly uncaring.
I wish they would understand the maternal feelings most women get. We have a deep down urge to procreate and mother, and when we can't it just becomes worse. I never knew how strong that urge was, not until now.
So where do we go from here? We continue with therapy and I hope that my husband can learn to love me as I am right now and keep supporting me until we get to the other side. Because that's what we all hope for, the other side. I know it's out there and I know all of this will go away once we get there.
But I need help to get through.
Showing posts with label therapy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label therapy. Show all posts
7/11/08
Stick a Fork in Me
I'm done...
I'm done with all of this waiting, hoping, and planning. It does me no good and I'm just getting my heart broken over and over again.
I didn't get the answers I wanted or needed yesterday at therapy. Alex just recycled everything he feels is wrong in our relationship. We ended up focusing on his 18 year old son who has Aspergers and how he may come to live with us full time (not my choice). This subject is what made Alex blow up at me recently because I asked if helping support his son would put us off having a kid of our own. I didn't realize it was such an incendiary question.
Anyway the session ended poorly. I hoped after Alex cooled down, we might get to talk about the IVF issue. No go with that. It's like it's the elephant in the room. He knows I want to talk about, knows I want answers but won't give them to me.
Finally, while in bed, I brought up something we discussed at therapy (normally I won't do that because he wants to follow dr's orders) and how it upset me. It became a big ol' discussion (it wasn't really an arguement) about how he doesn't think we are ready for IVF. He said that he has no faith in me and that he thinks that all the work I've done (because he's perfect and doesn't have to work on anything) is going to go back to the way it was as soon as his daughter comes back. He also thinks things will go back when I go back to work. He also said, and this is the kicker, that he wants to ask her what she thinks about us having a kid.
What? What the fuck?
He told her years ago, after she made a statement about not wanting us to have kids, that it wasn't her decision. So why now, is he going back on that? I told him that that was absurd, that no one asks for their 17 year old child's permission to have a child. He thinks otherwise and says it's a special situation.
Special situation, my ass! You just want another excuse. And with that I spent another night crying myself to sleep. That's getting really old.
So even though he hasn't said it, I'm going to assume with this last conversation that we will not be going through IVF this September. So as of now I'm not going to hope for anything. I can't do it anymore. Even though I need something to look forward to so much right now, I just can't do it. We'll just keep on trying naturally and IVF will be put on the back burner of my mind.
This won't come to a fairytale ending if I don't.
I'm done with all of this waiting, hoping, and planning. It does me no good and I'm just getting my heart broken over and over again.
I didn't get the answers I wanted or needed yesterday at therapy. Alex just recycled everything he feels is wrong in our relationship. We ended up focusing on his 18 year old son who has Aspergers and how he may come to live with us full time (not my choice). This subject is what made Alex blow up at me recently because I asked if helping support his son would put us off having a kid of our own. I didn't realize it was such an incendiary question.
Anyway the session ended poorly. I hoped after Alex cooled down, we might get to talk about the IVF issue. No go with that. It's like it's the elephant in the room. He knows I want to talk about, knows I want answers but won't give them to me.
Finally, while in bed, I brought up something we discussed at therapy (normally I won't do that because he wants to follow dr's orders) and how it upset me. It became a big ol' discussion (it wasn't really an arguement) about how he doesn't think we are ready for IVF. He said that he has no faith in me and that he thinks that all the work I've done (because he's perfect and doesn't have to work on anything) is going to go back to the way it was as soon as his daughter comes back. He also thinks things will go back when I go back to work. He also said, and this is the kicker, that he wants to ask her what she thinks about us having a kid.
What? What the fuck?
He told her years ago, after she made a statement about not wanting us to have kids, that it wasn't her decision. So why now, is he going back on that? I told him that that was absurd, that no one asks for their 17 year old child's permission to have a child. He thinks otherwise and says it's a special situation.
Special situation, my ass! You just want another excuse. And with that I spent another night crying myself to sleep. That's getting really old.
So even though he hasn't said it, I'm going to assume with this last conversation that we will not be going through IVF this September. So as of now I'm not going to hope for anything. I can't do it anymore. Even though I need something to look forward to so much right now, I just can't do it. We'll just keep on trying naturally and IVF will be put on the back burner of my mind.
This won't come to a fairytale ending if I don't.
6/10/08
"Look at Me, Look at Me, Look at Me"
The following post was composed while commuting home on the bus. It has nothing to do with babies...imagine that.
I am a fairly extroverted person. I like hanging out with people and like spending time talking to people. We were discussing this in therapy last week because, while I need people, my DH really doesn't. At least he doesn't need people like I do.
Our therapist feels we both have trust issues and that it causes my DH to not reach out to people. So what's the deal with me? I had a horrific childhood and yet I still yearn for human companionship. DH had a great childhood and he's the opposite. He doesn't want to be noticed and I do.
A few weeks ago, after a matinee, my actor friend James(see above), who played opposite me in Plaza Suite, and I were discussing theatre (as we narcissistic actors are want to do)and came across a possible childhood treatment/future actor connection.
James told me about how he was teased horribly as a boy as was I (How could I not know this after being friends with the man for 16 years?). So why would these berated children become extroverts? Why would we want to be looked at so much? Exactly for that reason I suppose. We want to be paid attention to, to be noted, to be appreciated. We were left behind and ignored or ridiculed as kids and now we are praised and admired (hopefully). We force people to stare at us for two hours or more, demand the attention we are owed.
-Whoa I totally sound like a Sondheim musical there or a Miller play, "Attention must be paid!"
Anyway, it was a light bulb moment for both of us and something I've never really thought about. All I ever knew is that theatre saved me. It pulled me from a dark pit of despair.
On stage I feel alive and free. On stage I am the true Jennifer and man, she's kick ass. I wish I could be her all the time.
I suppose that's another therapy session.
I am a fairly extroverted person. I like hanging out with people and like spending time talking to people. We were discussing this in therapy last week because, while I need people, my DH really doesn't. At least he doesn't need people like I do.
Our therapist feels we both have trust issues and that it causes my DH to not reach out to people. So what's the deal with me? I had a horrific childhood and yet I still yearn for human companionship. DH had a great childhood and he's the opposite. He doesn't want to be noticed and I do.
A few weeks ago, after a matinee, my actor friend James(see above), who played opposite me in Plaza Suite, and I were discussing theatre (as we narcissistic actors are want to do)and came across a possible childhood treatment/future actor connection.
James told me about how he was teased horribly as a boy as was I (How could I not know this after being friends with the man for 16 years?). So why would these berated children become extroverts? Why would we want to be looked at so much? Exactly for that reason I suppose. We want to be paid attention to, to be noted, to be appreciated. We were left behind and ignored or ridiculed as kids and now we are praised and admired (hopefully). We force people to stare at us for two hours or more, demand the attention we are owed.
-Whoa I totally sound like a Sondheim musical there or a Miller play, "Attention must be paid!"
Anyway, it was a light bulb moment for both of us and something I've never really thought about. All I ever knew is that theatre saved me. It pulled me from a dark pit of despair.
On stage I feel alive and free. On stage I am the true Jennifer and man, she's kick ass. I wish I could be her all the time.
I suppose that's another therapy session.
Dustin Hoffman on why he acts:
Well, one day as I was working with Lawrence Olivier, I asked him that question. Why do we do this?? And he replied many times, Look at me! Look at me! Look at me! Look at me! I got goose bumps. But that's true, it's all about being somewhat the center of attention, this is why I love doing interviews, meeting people. Look at me.
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