Stick a Fork in Me

I'm done...

I'm done with all of this waiting, hoping, and planning. It does me no good and I'm just getting my heart broken over and over again.

I didn't get the answers I wanted or needed yesterday at therapy. Alex just recycled everything he feels is wrong in our relationship. We ended up focusing on his 18 year old son who has Aspergers and how he may come to live with us full time (not my choice). This subject is what made Alex blow up at me recently because I asked if helping support his son would put us off having a kid of our own. I didn't realize it was such an incendiary question.

Anyway the session ended poorly. I hoped after Alex cooled down, we might get to talk about the IVF issue. No go with that. It's like it's the elephant in the room. He knows I want to talk about, knows I want answers but won't give them to me.

Finally, while in bed, I brought up something we discussed at therapy (normally I won't do that because he wants to follow dr's orders) and how it upset me. It became a big ol' discussion (it wasn't really an arguement) about how he doesn't think we are ready for IVF. He said that he has no faith in me and that he thinks that all the work I've done (because he's perfect and doesn't have to work on anything) is going to go back to the way it was as soon as his daughter comes back. He also thinks things will go back when I go back to work. He also said, and this is the kicker, that he wants to ask her what she thinks about us having a kid.

What? What the fuck?

He told her years ago, after she made a statement about not wanting us to have kids, that it wasn't her decision. So why now, is he going back on that? I told him that that was absurd, that no one asks for their 17 year old child's permission to have a child. He thinks otherwise and says it's a special situation.

Special situation, my ass! You just want another excuse. And with that I spent another night crying myself to sleep. That's getting really old.

So even though he hasn't said it, I'm going to assume with this last conversation that we will not be going through IVF this September. So as of now I'm not going to hope for anything. I can't do it anymore. Even though I need something to look forward to so much right now, I just can't do it. We'll just keep on trying naturally and IVF will be put on the back burner of my mind.

This won't come to a fairytale ending if I don't.

Stupid Family Drama

I don't know why the only time Alex and I fight is when the kids are here. Things have been great the past three months. A couple days with both of them here and he becomes a screaming ass.

I shouldn't really call it a fight because really it's just Alex being pissed. Apparently Bethia is sooooo sad because she couldn't see her new boyfriend. He lives in Gilroy and she wanted to go see him and stay overnight at his house and come home the next day on the bus. Supposedly the bus schedule doesn't work for her to go visit. Alex said he'd have to meet this dude's parents first before she could. Well she cried her eyes out.

Then he freaking caved and said *I* could meet the mom when they came to pick Bethia up and see if she's ok. I gave him a look to say, "why the hell did you cave?" and he freaks out on me. He goes, "What's that look for?". I said how I didn't approve but that it wasn't my choice. He already knew how I felt about her going to Gilroy to stay at her bf's house but he still kept pressing me on why I made a face. So then he got all mad saying he'd come home from work then and when I went into his office to talk to him he screamed at me to get the fuck out. I of course wouldn't until he asked me in a calm manner. That resulted in him calling me a bitch and leaving the house.

Fucking nice. We were fine, great, and then shit hits the fan. I'm tired of it. The kids are fucking drama. I'm sorry that I don't find that appropriate. I know what can happen even under parent's noses. Just because Alex was sleeping around at 14 doesn't make it ok in my eyes to even give Bethia the opportunity. I also don't appreciate that he called me a bitch in front of the kids. That's inexcuseable.

I'm pissed and I'm doubly pissed that I don't get to explain my feelings because he gets mad and storms off.

What Grey?

As I was getting ready to take a shower last night I discover, horror of horrors, my second grey hair. And no it wasn't merely grey...it was white. So it went the way of my first grey hair and was plucked out. I had saved the first, god knows where it went so now I have this white one in a little plastic petri dish thing. Don't ask me why I kept it. I think it would be funny to give to my mom. "Here you go mom you have my first haircut hair..now you have my first grey hairs" She's a packrat she'd probably keep it

And on a side note...mental note for future rental and peace of mind:

1)bedrooms far away from adults
2)bathrooms far away from adults
3)males clean the bathroom
4)the men in this house will never, ever, ever learn to replace the damn toilet paper. Grrrrr

Aren't Roller Coasters Supposed to be Fun?

Sunday we took the kids to Paramount's Great America with my best friend. Alex's statement towards the end of the day. "Never again!"

I thought as a teen you're supposed to love roller coasters, you love amusement parks? I did when I used to go there as a teen. Sadly the day held no amusement.

Early on we went on Rip Roaring Rapids, a ride I've never been too thrilled about, something about walking around in wet clothes all day, don't really like it. Of course I got completely drenched, worse than I ever had before. Seriously not a dry section on my body. The worst thing was that at the last "pay money to completely flood the tube of strangers" spot, Alex's new and expensive glasses flew off and haven't been seen since. Then the day just seemed to get better.

Emrys refused to ride anything. He was bored, he was hot, his legs were tired, he had a headache, he was DYING of thirst. Seriously I've never seen a kid look so morose in such an environment. You'd think we were leading him off to listen to Lawrence Welk for 6 hours. Alex finally gave him some money and sent him off to play at the arcade for the second time that day. Bethia was a good sport and rode the roller coasters with me but we didn't even ride the Demon. We missed about half of the rides, something I've never done. So Alex is right, never again, for as much as a day in the park with four people costs I could be heading somewhere tropical.

We are learning so much this summer, or at least I am.

Life as a Mommy...Or Something Like It

We picked the kids up yesterday, both looking taller than ever. I don't know what they put in the water now a days but it's probably all the hormones in the milk or something.

We spent the late afternoon traipsing through the Valley Fair mall trying to find a couch cover for the nasty couch since the hamster bit a huge hole through the last one. Bethia and I ended up going into Limited Too, each getting a pet pet plushie. I bought a kadoatie and she got a ba baa. Very cute!

Next to target to pick out the couch cover we couldn't find at Macy's and new bedding for the kids. This brought us home very late so we ended up eating at 10 pm. Not the best schedule wise. We had a great talk after dinner. It felt very good for all of us to be able to communicate like that. There were no upset feelings like some of the convos at Christmas and everyone was able to open up. Both the kids expressed an interest in living with us if their mother had to move out of their current school district and enroll them in new schools. Seems the only thing keeping them there at the moment are their friends, at least in Bethia's case.

Today is a lazy day. We are eating breakfast late and plan to take the kids out to Indian for dinner. A new adventure..lol

OMG I just realized...there was no angst in this post...none....haha...weird.