...and the Walls Come Tumbling Down

Shortly after writing that last blog the rug was indeed pulled out from under me, worse than I could ever imagine.

My day started with taking Henri to the exotic vet and finding out it wasn't an abscess but a tumor. Of course it needed to be removed so I said good bye to sweet Henri and around $300.00 so he could have that awful thing removed. The vet seemed hopeful about it and said it would be easy to remove.

I was supposed to hang with my mom but shelling out money, when I was already worried about money for IVF, didn't put me in a real festive mood.

Then I got the call that made everything crash down around me. Melissa, the finance person at my clinic, called to tell me that my RE no longer carried my insurance. I knew they weren't a provider for Cigna but they were for Beech Street which is under the Cigna umbrella. As of June they no longer contract with them. This is why she had such a hard time getting exact prices for me the day before.

She explains how I could pay as a cash patient and then bill my insurance. However, if we were stressing over $5100 how on earth could I pay $10,000 upfront for the procedure alone? All I could do was cry and tell Melissa that that wouldn't be feasible for us and we'd have to cancel going forward on the cycle. I know she felt terrible but I also know there wasn't anything she could do. "This is what I hate about my job", she said.

When I got off the phone with her I tried to call Alex but couldn't reach him. That didn't help because I was hysterical at that point and practically hyperventilating. I turned to my girls on the TTC6+ board and they helped talk me down.

The biggest help was Megan coming to see me. What an amazing friend. She actually left work to come sit and cry with me. That is worth it's weight in gold.

Before she arrived I had to call my mom and tell her the cycle was a no go. She just sat on the phone crying and saying, "Why?" You see, my mom wants this as much as I do and it made me cry all over again to hear her choke up. Alex finally got back to me and immediately suggested we switch to UCSF's clinic. We know they are under our insurance because before we found out my local RE was covered under Beech Street, we were going to go up to SF.

So it looks like we'll be heading to SF for IVF but the sad thing is we'll have to wait for next summer. I'll have to actually live up there for two weeks during stims and ER/ET because of all the monitoring etc. There's no way we can drive two hours every day with Alex's job. I hate this because I'll be another year older, less fertile than I am now. However, what can I do? My hands are tied.

I hate this.

One thing Megan told me to do was make a list of things I was going to do to get ready for next summer. She said list making helps her so just for her I'm going to do it. Bold things are done.

To Do Before IVF
- Keep trying naturally
- Buy OPKs
- Go back to temping all the time
- Take my pills regularly (I had stopped my PNV, because why bother?)
- Make sure Alex is still taking all of his supplements
- Buy more Pre Seed
- SAVE MONEY
- Request info from UCSF
- Make an appointment to talk to UCSF
- Finish b/w needed for IVF cycle (CF/STD screen)
- Keep praying for a miracle

There's probably more I could add but I can't think of it now.

P.S- Henri is home and is fine. He has steel stitches so he doesn't take them out but he did great.

The Emotional IF Rollercoaster

...and I want to get off.

After all the fretting over whether or not Alex was going to freak before our appointments at the clinic, we get there and meet Melissa (Financial Services) and Karen (IVF Coordinator). The new office is awesome.

We hear the spiel on our insurance first. Instead of the 90% coverage we thought we would have we now have 70% coverage. So basically we pay $3600 before everything is covered 100%.

Then we move next door and go through the checklist of what we've done and what we still need to do. According to Karen we are ahead of schedule with the testing but I'm too close for comfort in starting BCP for the September IVF cycle. Normally they like their patient on it for 6-4 weeks and I'd barely be on it for 4. She was amazed that I hardly had any questions. The internets is good for something I guess.

The whole time Alex just sat there. I don't think he said more than 5 words to Melissa and the only thing he said to Karen was his SS#. We are given the consent forms and the BCP script is called in and we are on our way.

On the way out I can tell Alex is freaking out inwardly. When don't talk about it in the car because my stepdaughter is there waiting for us. We do when we get home though.

Alex, very calmly says that there is no way we could save $3600 in a month and a half and I know he is right. We come to the conclusion that waiting for the November cycle would be the best and give us time to save. Hopefully I won't have to repeat any of my tests because it would be a year after I originally had them.

To console myself I call Megan (my personal cheerleader) and I post on TTC6+ the good and bad things regarding our RE appointments.

-DH is on board

-We are ahead of the game prep wise with our pre IVF testing. Now we'll be able to finish the last bit of bloodwork early.

- November would be better time wise for me than September. My RE asks all his patients to be on bed rest 3 days after transfer and this would be very hard to do the first month of school. Add in one day off for retrieval and ouch.

-We have three months to try and save the money.

-I can be on BCP the full length they would want me on. The IVF coordinator said normally they want their patients on 6 weeks.

So I was feeling pretty positive about our decision and was amazed that I didn't even cry. And then the roof caved in.

I decided to look up med coverage on Cigna's website and to my horror only found a couple things covered (Lupron being one of them). Injectibles were not covered. That broke me and I sobbed in front of the comp for a good half hour. It seemed that every time I was up something had to kick me back down. It didn't help that in the midst of this I discovered that Henri, one of my ratties, had a lump on his amdomen which I think is an abscess.

This morning I called Cigna right away and it seems that they will cover the injectibles but through the medical side of my insurance. The meds have a deductable though so add $1500 to the aforementioned $3600 and we are facing not being able to do November either.

I'm so tired of this. I don't want to ride this rollercoaster any more.

I'm a Yo-Yo

Oh yes, I am.

I don't know what thinking Alex did in his sleep the other night or at work yesterday but it seems like he's thinking outside of his ass now. He said he looked at things from a a different angle and we are going to revisit the IVF issue at our next appointment.

I also asked him what would happen if his daughter said she wasn't happy with us having a kid, would we stop trying? He said that no she would in no way make the decision for us, he just wanted to include her in what we were doing.

I also made it very clear that *if* we started the IVF process, from BCP on, he was not to cancel on me. That there would be no turning back and he agreed.

Anyway, I'm not holding my breath at this moment. We'll see on Friday morning whether I get to call the RE or not. I'm just glad he took a look at the situation from all points of view.

Keep the prayers coming ladies. Maybe it worked.

Stick a Fork in Me

I'm done...

I'm done with all of this waiting, hoping, and planning. It does me no good and I'm just getting my heart broken over and over again.

I didn't get the answers I wanted or needed yesterday at therapy. Alex just recycled everything he feels is wrong in our relationship. We ended up focusing on his 18 year old son who has Aspergers and how he may come to live with us full time (not my choice). This subject is what made Alex blow up at me recently because I asked if helping support his son would put us off having a kid of our own. I didn't realize it was such an incendiary question.

Anyway the session ended poorly. I hoped after Alex cooled down, we might get to talk about the IVF issue. No go with that. It's like it's the elephant in the room. He knows I want to talk about, knows I want answers but won't give them to me.

Finally, while in bed, I brought up something we discussed at therapy (normally I won't do that because he wants to follow dr's orders) and how it upset me. It became a big ol' discussion (it wasn't really an arguement) about how he doesn't think we are ready for IVF. He said that he has no faith in me and that he thinks that all the work I've done (because he's perfect and doesn't have to work on anything) is going to go back to the way it was as soon as his daughter comes back. He also thinks things will go back when I go back to work. He also said, and this is the kicker, that he wants to ask her what she thinks about us having a kid.

What? What the fuck?

He told her years ago, after she made a statement about not wanting us to have kids, that it wasn't her decision. So why now, is he going back on that? I told him that that was absurd, that no one asks for their 17 year old child's permission to have a child. He thinks otherwise and says it's a special situation.

Special situation, my ass! You just want another excuse. And with that I spent another night crying myself to sleep. That's getting really old.

So even though he hasn't said it, I'm going to assume with this last conversation that we will not be going through IVF this September. So as of now I'm not going to hope for anything. I can't do it anymore. Even though I need something to look forward to so much right now, I just can't do it. We'll just keep on trying naturally and IVF will be put on the back burner of my mind.

This won't come to a fairytale ending if I don't.