It Happened For Me, it Can Happen For You Too

Why do people do this?

Lately it's been happening pretty often on TTC6+. People happily march over to our board to tell us to chin up, or to have hope. "It took my husband and me 10 months to get pregnant. I know what it's like to think it's never going to happen", or "Anyone want a CBEFM? I used it and got pregnant right away. Maybe it'll help one of you".

Excuse me but.... *Gag*

Now I know in their minds they are being helpful, and that it's coming from the kindest place possible, but OMG does it upset me.

Really, you tried for 10 months and you know what it feels like to be me? Really? 10 months seems a long time ago already. She even mentioned a m/c and I don't even have that to claim.

Not that I would want to go through that, not at all. I've seen my Nest friends hurt like no other over it, but part of me deep down says to myself that if I did have that happen at least I personally would know that I *could* get pregnant. Right now, I don't know that. All I know is my body has never even attempted a baby. I'm 36 years old and I haven't even had a scare. So no lady, you don't really know what it's like to think it's never going to happen. Just like I don't know what it's like to be some of my very dear friends who have struggled for much longer than I.

Many women talk about how things will be when they get pregnant, they can imagine themselves with a baby belly. I've realized recently that I can't anymore. It's scary, but I can't. It's like this unobtainable goal that I can't picture myself reaching. My mother of course would say I was giving up. I don't know what I would call it.

So when people say it happened for them and that it could happen for me too, I just don't believe them. I want to laugh in their faces. I want to ask them (while shaking them) "How do you know that?" Because they don't. They don't know that. And no amount of CBEFM's or pep talks will clear up the mystery as to whether I'll be a mother or not.

Demotivator of the Week

The Robert Downey Jr of Cookies

I love The Daily Show and The Colbert Report and I've always been a huge Sesame Street fan from toddlerhood so I especially loved Thursday's episode of The Colbert Report.

"I Feel Like You are Just Giving Up"

Sometimes I just want to pummel my mother. Today was one of those days.

I called her and the conversation was going fine but then she brings up the topic of our IF procedures.

"You need to work on Alex so you can get on with your 'project'" - She calls us going through IVF and getting knocked up "our project".

So I tell her that it's not about me "working on him", that that wouldn't solve anything. She knows we are going through therapy and I tell her that we just have to keep on working with the therapist.

She just doesn't get it and starts whining about how she feels like I'm giving up. At this point I'm getting pissed. "How am I giving up? I can't force him to impregnate me and that wouldn't work anyway".

"I know", she says. "I just get so sad seeing all these things I've saved over the years. It's like I bought them for nothing".

Oh.my.God.

She was lucky I didn't come over and murder her for that comment. Instead I just yelled over the phone.

"Sad, you want to talk to me about sad? You being sad over having baby stuff you've saved for a decade is nothing like what I am going through. I have stuff saved too if you want to get into that. I don't want to cry every day over this, and your comments are not helping."

I don't understand her some times. It's as if she thinks I can just talk to Alex and snap some sense into him. If I just cleaned the house and became superwife, he'd change his mind and knock me up immediately. It doesn't freaking work that way. He's like me. The more you push, the further he backs away.

Am I mad he did this to me? Yes. Am I upset that I seem to be the one giving up everything and he's just sitting back calling the shots? Hell, yes. But my mom telling me that, "He promised you before you got married that you'd have a baby and now he's going back on his promise", doesn't help.

Her telling me if we broke up, I could find someone else to father my children, doesn't help. (Like it's that freaking easy at my age anyway- Hmmm I think I'll go shopping for a new husband today)

But I haven't given up. I can't give up. If I give up on my dream of motherhood, I die.

Clomid the "Magic" Pill

The lengths women go to get on Clomid is redamndiculous.

I am so tired of seeing the stupid chicks on the Nest boards whine and cry about how they want twins, or how they've been trying for three long months and need to get on Clomid right away. Girls "Ashley" their way into getting it, crying to their doctors and would you believe some doctors actually give it to them? Some OBs dispense it like it is candy.

It is not fun people!! It is a harsh, nasty drug that I would never wish anyone to take, seriously.

So today we have a prime example of Clomid douchbaggery:

Did I have the big O?

From: VioletFemmeOC

Date: 6/20/2008 at 11:17 AMStupid question here since I know not to focus too much on one temp...

I took 200mg clomid this month (pharmacy _fucked up, supposed to be only 150) and my temp jumped way high this morning. Take a look...
http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/1a9ea6


Clomid taken earlier make you o earlier right? I took it days 2-6.

So we call her on it. I and others tell her that it was incredibly stupid for her to take so much against doctors orders and that she can't play the "I didn't know card" because Clomid only comes in 50mg pills and 150mg = 3 pills. So then she comes up with this excuse.

From: VioletFemmeOC

Date: 6/20/2008 at 2:24 PM

Yeah I was stupid for taking the wrong dosage but I called my doctor after the second day of taking 200mg and he told me to continue. I took the last dose on Monday night and haven't had any pain thank God but yeah, that was dumb of me.

Hell yes, it was dumb, not to mention her doctor okayed it? WTF? What a fucking quack. No doctor worth his/her salt would okay someone to keep taking 200mg of Clomid like that. I mean I took 150mg and I was terribly overstimmed. I can't even imagine what 200mg would do to my body.

I tell her that she needs a new doctor stat and she responds:

From: VioletFemmeOC

Date: 6/20/2008 at 4:21 PM

Sorry ladies, I had to run to Ralph's. I've been thinking for quite some time to switch doctors, maybe this is the time to do it.

Again...duh!

People like that make me want to scream. Oh well, it's not my ovaries.

Mother Nature is a Bitch

as are arsonists...

What the hell is going on with the world lately? Earthquakes, tsunamis, fires, floods, and more fires. You think God is trying to tell us something?

It is so hot today that I'm melting and that rarely happens. I fear for our Disneyland trip next weekend. Alex is going to die and take me with him.

Adding insult to heat injury there is yet another fire in Santa Cruz. This one apparently cause my an asshole arsonist. Why the fuck would you do something like that? Why? And on a day that is as hot as it is today. The fire is right on the coast and besides being able to see the smoke plume from my driveway , I can smell it.

They need to find the dude who started it and drop him into it by the military copters that are circling over our housing right now.

BREAKING NEWS: Fires lines Highway 1 from Mar Monte to Airport Boulevard

Sentinel Staff Report
Santa Cruz Sentinel
Article Launched:06/20/2008 02:27:30 PM PDT

SOUTH COUNTY - In what may have been a blaze started intentionally by a motorist heading north on Highway 1, fire broke out from the Airport Boulevard exit all the way to Mar Monte Avenue just before 2 p.m.

According to emergency dispatchers, callers reported a motorist set spot fires at four or five areas along the freeway about 20 feet apart, which quickly spread. At 2:15 p.m., residents at 134 Trabing Road called to say fire surrounded their house and they were trapped inside.

Paul Van Gerwen, the Cal Fire spokesman, said the fire has burned about 100 acres and is moving north, northeast.

"Structures are imminent," Van Gerwen said.

Cal Fire called in numerous air and ground support, Van Gerwen said.

Stretches of Highway 1 from the junction of Highway 152 to five miles north of that. The highway is gridlocked due to the fire and offramp closures.

Dispatchers at 3:15 p.m. said there may be children trapped on the rood of a house on the 800 block of Buena Vista Drive. Firefighters were responding to the area.

Firefighters have been evacuating a host of roads on the north side of Highway 1 in South County. At 3:20 p.m. emergency dispatchers said there would be mandatory evacuations on the north side of the freeway from Airport Boulevard to Freedom Boulevard inland to Highway 1 as well as both sides of Calabasas Road.

Just before 4 p.m. fire cross Buena Vista and Larkin Valley and was headed toward the airport and was headed toward the neighborhood near that neighborhood and Manfre Road. Multiple spot fires were reported in that area also.

People were being evacuated to Aptos High School. An ambulance was called to the staging area at Trabing Road and Buena Vista Drive for a person suffering from smoke inhalation and chest pain.

Firefighters said fire was burning along both sides of the 400 block of Trabing Road, which is just off the Buena Vista exit of Highway 1, running parallel to the freeway.

Officials were evacuating Larkin Valley Road to Buena Vista and Trabing Road. At 2:45 p.m., emergency crews were calling residents on Larkin Valley Road and Larkin Vista Lane on the north side of Highway 1, ordering them to evacuate. When asked if they were mandatory evacuations, a dispatcher said "Yes, they are on fire."

Reverse 911 calls were made to residents along Mar Monte to Buena Vista to Larkin Valley Road. Fire is blocking the road at 320 Larkin Valley Road about 3:10 p.m. Officials were beginning to evacuate Old Adobe Road at 3:10 p.m.

At about 3 p.m., the CHP was shutting down Highway 1 at the exits for Highway 129, Freedom Boulevard, Airport Boulevard and Buena Vista Avenue, according to emergency dispatchers.

Huge plumes of gray smoke could be seen from all over the county as the fire raged on the north side of the freeway.

Firefighters could be heard over emergency channels saying they were implementing "bump and run" techniques and structures were down. Some structures were going up in flames and fire fighters were hoping to get help in to save some of them along Larkin Valley.

Jim Graham, who drove through Larkin Valley, said the fire is moving through the tops of the eucalyptus trees. He said people are evacuating animals with trailers.

"They are packing animals into trailers and some people are walking their animals down the road," Graham said.

Serafin Villanueva, who lives on the 600 block of Larkin Valley Road, said "I can see a lot of smoke. I can see some flames. My sister's friend's dad told me the fire jumped the road and I had to get out. I took precautions. I grabbed everything I could."

Just after 3 p.m. emergency dispatchers warned firefighters to evacuate themselves first if they felt they were in danger of the fast-moving fire.

Officials had no estimate of the acreage of the fire and all available units on scene, at one point leaving the city of Watsonville without coverage.

Fire units were en route from Santa Clara County at 3:20 p.m. to help fight the fire.

Norman Black, who was driving along Buena Vista Road and spotted some fires along the road, said he and a county worker tried to put them out.

"It just went woof. It just went crazy, the wind started to blow."

Natalie Batad and her sister Felicia Trujillo who live near the intersection of Buena Vista and Larkin Valley, were waiting for her with their dog Toby with bags of clothing.

Sentinel photographer Shmuel Thaler said "It's crazy."

"The Boring Room of the World"

I was thinking about this SNL skit last night and how much I always loved seeing it. Oh and I didn't resemble Judy Miller at all ;) Not at all.

Click on the pic for the video and make sure you pause my blog music.

Tit for Tat

Since I can't seem to get knocked up I might as well do something I can't do while knocked up, right?

I've been thinking about getting another tat for years. Alex even got me a gift certificate for Christmas two years ago and I have yet to use it. I had wanted white stars for ever so long but now I'm vacillating between the stars on the inside of my wrist or another bird, this time with cherry blossoms (again in white) on my shoulder blade (I think).


Star design idea


Sparrow and cherry blossom design idea


Or maybe just a sparrow design


What do you all think?

So I Have This Idea

I was looking through my old "blog", or journal, on Livejournal tonight and thinking it was a shame I won't have all of my blog entries in one place, especially the good ones. Would that just be crazy insane to back date all of them and include them in this blog?

Or I could have a "vintage" post of the week.

Decisions, decisions.

"Bruises Fade but the Pain Remains the Same"

I can't sleep so I decided to brain dump, I need to right now...



So here it is, another Non-existent father's day. Do they make Hallmark cards for that? I do admit I've looked for "thank you mom for being everything cards".

This has always been one of my most, if not *the* most, dreaded days.

This is the day where countless children spend time with their daddies who hug them and kiss them and tell them they love them. I never was one of those children. I never had a real daddy. I feared my father, dreading having to spend time with him, never knowing if I would be lied to or hurt emotionally or physically.

I think back on how far I have come from the angry and afraid young girl to the woman I am today. No longer does my throat clench when I talk about him, no longer does the anger course through my veins. The hurt, though lessened, is still there. The tears still manage to sneak out from time to time.

I do wish it would go away, that he wouldn't affect me anymore but that is a tall task. It's there, just under the surface, lurking in the shadows.

It'll show during therapy, most especially when I was hypnotized several years back (Hello, I never want to "live" through being 6 again!).

It'll show through at weddings during father/daughter dances where I will clear a room as if it was on fire, though never fast enough to stop the tears from flowing.

It'll show when I see a daddy with his little girl, being gentle and sweet with her.

It shows through when Alex and Bethia joke around and share a moment just for them. I get jealous because once again I feel left out.

In 2005 my "father" contacted me. He found my email through a web search and wrote:

found you on the internet- what a great site! Hope you are well and happy - As an adult put aside the past - We have all made mistakes - if you want no
further communications, in your answer just say NO. Daddy

For the first time in my life I really stood up to him. I wrote back everything I had been meaning to say for years, being very careful to not bring my mother and what he had done to her into the equation.

I don't even know where to begin this letter. It has been long coming, yet I have put it off each time, out of fear, out of wanting to forget it all, out of wanting to move past the past. I am angry but mostly I am hurt. I hurt for the life I had and the loss of what I should have had. Most importantly I am not afraid anymore.

Previous messages from you as well as the current have stated that I need to "as an adult put aside the past". I have had my past haunt me for many, many years. I am finally at the point where I can talk about it without crying, without feeling my throat clench up in anger. You also said in the email that "we all have made mistakes". I can't imagine what mistakes a little girl could have possibly made, what I ever could have done to deserve what happened to me.

I asked you once why, on my 8th birthday, I was chastised in front of my friends and then forced to sit at the table while those friends were told to eat my ice cream. It was my birthday and not only did I have to endure being screamed at in public, I was to sit there and watch them eat their ice cream as well as my own. It was the first time I dared ask you about any childhood incident. You replied that I must have done something wrong. This statement is utterly ridiculous. I was a great kid, I didn't talk back, I obeyed. It took me a long time to realize I didn't do anything wrong, I didn't do anything to deserve being burnt with boiling water, being whipped with a belt, having my favorite toy being hid as I cried, experiencing countless lies and broken promises, etc etc. It wasn't ME, it NEVER WAS.

I understand now what you went through as a child. I know what kind of life you had. It was awful and you didn't deserve it. But neither did I. You had NO right to do what you did to me, nor what you did to my mother who was too weak to do anything about it. You, as a parent, should have stopped that cycle of abuse. It was up to you to do so. I know what it's like but I also know it can be done, for you have passed on your blinding anger to me. I, in turn, have broken the cycle. I acknowledge my fury and I have worked through it. I know what damage I sustained at the hand and voice of an abusive parent and I WILL NOT pass that on to any child of my own. You may say that I'm a crazy bitch or whatever and feel I am wronging you by what I have said but I know denial can run deep and I know what scars I have. Deep emotional scars.

I remember you saying when I was about 7 or so, when you didn't know I was listening, that you didn't want me, that you didn't care what happened to me. All I wanted in life was a father who loved me more than anything else. I still wish I had that every day of my life. And the sad thing is I know you probably will never realize how much I hurt. Of course I always have hope that you will understand what you did was wrong and feel badly. However, I don't expect there to be an apology and the hurt will probably never go away.

To end I'd like to share with you some pictures I have saved on my computer. One is a picture of you and me as a baby. Another is of me at around age four. I look upon these old pictures and I think of how our lives should have been and of how much that little girl needed a Daddy. I did love you and I just wanted you to love me.



Jennifer

He of course denied it all. He wrote back saying my mother was a liar and had made all of it up, that me hearing that he had done all those awful things over and over, made me believe it actually happened. In his mind he wasn't involved in these things and I was too young to actually have accurate memories of them.

But he was involved and I do remember. I remember being hit, I remember being stuck in the corner for hours at age four, I remember my mother crying after being beaten and seeing her being raped in front of me. I remember all the emotional damage that was done, from my teddy bear that I need to go to sleep being hid on top of the refrigerator where a toddler couldn't find it, to being promised a computer if I got on the honor roll in high school and getting an empty computer box, as a joke, instead. He thought it was hilarious while I just cried.

So today is the day I mourn what I lack. I mourn what I should have had. I mourn what could have made me a stronger person, a better person, what could have made me whole. Today I mourn my daddy.

*Pause my blog music to hear a song that really touches me*

Christina Aguilera- I'm Ok

I've Been Tagged

From JackiTiger's blog...

"The Meme originated over an idea that was prompted by the book written by Larry Smith and Rachel Fershleiser, Not Quite What I was planning: Six Word Memoirs by Writers Famous and Obscure. It's a compilation based on the story that Hemingway once bet $10 that he could sum up his life in six words. His were- "For Sale: baby shoes, never worn."

These things are always difficult for me. Can I really sum up my life in 6 words? It's quite the challenge. After thinking about it for a while I came up with an Emily Dickinson quote which seems to summarize much of my life and currently the bane of my existence.




Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,
And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.


Hope is something that I think I've had my whole life in one way or another. I started out on the hopes of others. I wasn't supposed to make it, I wasn't expected to last the day but as my mother and family hoped I would, I made it.

As a child I hoped my life would get better, that I'd find a peace in my world and someone to love me. Abuse has a way of stealing hope but I came out on the other side stronger than I could have imagined, and just...a little bit broken.

As a teenager, I hoped I would come into myself, that my eccentricities would be valued, that my looks be appreciated. I hoped that my self confidence would blossom. Through theatre it did. With adulthood, I learned to love me, well most of the time.

I had hope through relationships and hardships that I would make it through, that I would succeed. I've accomplished both at least a little bit.

That hope is now squarely focused on being a mom. There is nothing I hope for more than having a baby. Whether that hope is realized remains to be seen but I'll try to keep the hope alive, I will indeed try.

So my meme is: Hope is the thing with feathers

I will now tag:

MayT
Adkins
Mandybr
T-Bird
AlpacaBunny

"He's O3"

aka The Night May and Chrys Met

Last night was so fun. I don't think I've laughed that hard in ever so long. It's always amazing meeting friends from the internet for the first time. My MOH was one, my DH another. You build up such a bond online that when you meet in person for the first time it's as if you've known each other for years. It was certainly like that when I met Megan last night.

After hanging out at my house for an hour we decided to go to The Crown and Anchor, a local pub, for dinner. Eating was kind of difficult since we were talking so much.



One thing you have to have while at the Crown is their Sticky Toffee Pudding. OMG I have to get it every time. It is sex in a dish, I'm not even kidding.



I was laughing so hard when May took the "shocker" picture (yes she loved the Sticky Toffee too) I almost peed my pants.



How can you not like a place when they have coasters from British pubs with such fantabulous names?



That went into my purse.

Next we moved on to The Brit (Britannia Arms) which used to be my stomping grounds before it was infiltrated with douches and whores. We had barely sat down and some Navy dude started trying to hit on us. Never mind our rings were in full view of his face. He gave us a beer (what? one?) but ended up leaving after our Irish Car Bombs arrived.

May: "Oooh our 'real' beers are here."

We made him take pictures of us.



Maybe he didn't like our faces. LOL Notice the flashing rings.



The carnage of the car bombs with our "gifted beer"

At this point the silliness just continued. We realized that the contents of our purses could supply a Walgreen's. So what are two girls to do but set up a picture. Did the people in the bar think we were crazy? Most likely.



The Cock Inn coaster had to be included, because have cock will travel.



As further proof that May's pineapple leather is utterly disgusting...

Original Grossness



It really is *that* bad. I actually gagged. The things we do to get knocked up.



The people watching was top notch with all the drunk ass people around. The Navy dude ended up hitting on some young thing and watching them was comedy gold. If only I was able to get a pic of him dancing when his ass fell out of his jeans. Priceless. As he walked by us before we left we each gave him a knuckle bump(which we had seen his buddy do to him when he "scored" a dance with the young thing). This caused the chick to come up to us and pissily say, "He's O3."

Huh? WTF? May then said that it had to be his military ranking. Ok, so he's an officer. Most of them around here are. OOoooh big fucking deal. I just laughed at the chick because, hello, we're married. we don't give a rat's ass what this drunk dude's ranking is. Blech. Besides this is Monterey. Monterey is crawling with Military dudes and they are all the same to me.

All in all it was a kick ass evening. I had so much freaking fun and Megan is a hottie and a sweetheart. Hopefully it will be just the first of other good times. We are already planning on a west coast mermaid shoot.

We did miss "our girls" and wished you all could have been there. You all got to have some of the Navy dude's beer though, so have no fear.

Sometimes I Cry Happy Tears

One day left, just one day.

Today I had a great start of my day. One of the 6th grade girls brought me this little "book" they had made me with letters from most of the 6th graders. Some of these letters made me cry and were a reminder of why I keep this, sometimes God forsaken, job in the first place. I'd like to share some of their letters to remind all of us teachers out there why we do it.

(As a side note, I was these kids 2nd grade teacher, 5th grade teacher, and also taught them religion in 6th.)

3 Years With Mrs. Jennifer

Dear Mrs. Jennifer,
You are an awesome teacher! I will miss being in your class very much. You taught us that even when times are rough they will always turn out okay. You inspired me to follow my dream and to not let anyone stand in my way. You are the nicest, kindest person I have ever met and you are deffinetly my role model. Have a great summer!

Love, Kendra


Dear Mrs. Jennifer,
Thank you for caring and listening to me when I had a question. You are the most caring teacher I have ever had at this school. I've enjoyed beng your student.

Love, Jack.


Dear Mrs. Jennifer,
I'll miss you a lot. You were my favorite teacher. Also you were understandingly cool!

From, Dan (yo!)


Dear Mrs. Jennifer,
You have and always will be my most favorite teacher. My favorite teacher used to be the teacher that I had every year. If I was in K. it was Mrs. Todd. When I was in 1st grade we had Mrs. Flagg, but when I got to 2nd grade everything changed. You are my favorite because 1) Rubber duckies are your favorite and rubber duckies ROCK! 2)You are just awesome & cool 3) You are nice 4) You are YOU! I'll miss you over the summer! See you next year.

Love, Lizzie


Dear Mrs. Jennifer,
I loved you as my teacher. You are so nice. You are my friend. You also told us a lot of stuff.

Tyler


Dear Mrs. Jennifer,
You were the best teacher I've ever had & I can say that for a lot of reasons.

One, you are the first teacher who has ever let us use your first name after "Mrs".

Another thing, you're really easy to be around & confide in & our class discussions are really fun. Even though by the time you let us really talk there is nothing left to say :)

And...well I could go on & on but you're (just to sum it up) a really great teacher.

So that's why I put this book together. So that some day, even when we are all gone, you can remember us. But we'll always remember you. :)

I guess you caould call this instead of a yearbook, a 3 yearbook. For the three years some people have been with you.

You've taught us a lot of things over 3, 2, or 1 years. Some school education & others not & we all will really appreciate it.

Love, Kim

I can't even tell you how much I love those kids. They have always been my reminder. I can't believe that they will be 7th graders next year, almost ready to move on to the next phase of their lives.

Are You Going to Leave the House Looking Like That?

A tiara? Really? No really, seriously?

Tonight, graduation was too much. Apparently, merely looking like skanks in slutty dresses and prom hair was too boring for the 8th grade girls. Oh no, this year's class had to up the ante. This year, two girls wore tiaras. Oh yes, tiaras.



The last couple of years we've witnessed the downfall of modern feminine society (and lack of proper parenting) at our school. Parents have been actually allowing their daughters to wear some of the skimpiest dresses imaginable. Keep in mind they are 13/14 years old AND attending a Catholic school. Uh yeah.

As one of my coworkers said, "(name not included to protect the trashy) looked like a streetwalker. In fact, I think I saw someone just like her on Cops last week".

Now you might think we are too harsh and judgemental but au contraire mon frere, we are talking dresses like this:



Why on earth would mothers purchase these dresses for their daughters? Why would fathers allow their daughters to set foot out of the house looking like this? Do they just not care? Do they actually think it looks flattering or gives off a good impression? Do they just want to give in so they don't have to hear their girls whine about how everyone else gets to have a hoochie dress and have their hair in a updo complete with glitter spray and butterfly crystal clips? Why must we sexualize our girls so early?

They are freaking 8th graders! I didn't even wear that crap when I graduated from high school.

Listen up mothers of America, stop living vicariously through your daughters!

And hang up the tiaras while you are at it.

"Look at Me, Look at Me, Look at Me"

The following post was composed while commuting home on the bus. It has nothing to do with babies...imagine that.



I am a fairly extroverted person. I like hanging out with people and like spending time talking to people. We were discussing this in therapy last week because, while I need people, my DH really doesn't. At least he doesn't need people like I do.

Our therapist feels we both have trust issues and that it causes my DH to not reach out to people. So what's the deal with me? I had a horrific childhood and yet I still yearn for human companionship. DH had a great childhood and he's the opposite. He doesn't want to be noticed and I do.

A few weeks ago, after a matinee, my actor friend James(see above), who played opposite me in Plaza Suite, and I were discussing theatre (as we narcissistic actors are want to do)and came across a possible childhood treatment/future actor connection.

James told me about how he was teased horribly as a boy as was I (How could I not know this after being friends with the man for 16 years?). So why would these berated children become extroverts? Why would we want to be looked at so much? Exactly for that reason I suppose. We want to be paid attention to, to be noted, to be appreciated. We were left behind and ignored or ridiculed as kids and now we are praised and admired (hopefully). We force people to stare at us for two hours or more, demand the attention we are owed.

-Whoa I totally sound like a Sondheim musical there or a Miller play, "Attention must be paid!"

Anyway, it was a light bulb moment for both of us and something I've never really thought about. All I ever knew is that theatre saved me. It pulled me from a dark pit of despair.

On stage I feel alive and free. On stage I am the true Jennifer and man, she's kick ass. I wish I could be her all the time.

I suppose that's another therapy session.

Dustin Hoffman on why he acts:

Well, one day as I was working with Lawrence Olivier, I asked him that question. Why do we do this?? And he replied many times, Look at me! Look at me! Look at me! Look at me! I got goose bumps. But that's true, it's all about being somewhat the center of attention, this is why I love doing interviews, meeting people. Look at me.

WTF Moment of the Week

This was pulled off of two of the Nest boards this evening.

Natural=Spontaneous, Fertility treatments=Manmade!

From: Mr.F

Date: 6/10/2008 at 7:53 PMThis irks me to no end!~


Hello, if you and DH DTD and you conceived ( either a singleton or multiples ) it is a NATURALLY occuring pregnancy!!!

If, DH had to give his contribution in a cup to be *placed* by a 3rd party into your body, or in some cases, have his swimmers meet your eggie in a lab of all places IT IS MAN MADE! NOT A NATURAL PREGNANCY!!

I am VERY fertile!!!! Why can I not claim my ability to reproduce NATURALLY ( insert penis into vagina here ladies ) and claim that my multiples were made the old fashioned way!!!!


Broken, scorned women........maybe God never wanted you or your b roken DH's to carry on any lineage

Now I know this most likely is MUD (made up drama)but it doesn't make it any less hurtful, especially considering I've seen shite like this before and that there are people who really do think like this. It makes me sick.

As my mother says, If God didn't mean for IF people to have babies he wouldn't have had IVF even thought of or created. The embryos wouldn't even be created or survive. Way to go Mom.

"Who Against Hope Believed in Hope"

Hope is a double-edged sword. On one hand I want to have hope, and on the the other I wish it to be gone because, with hope, comes disappointment and heartache. This past cycle hope found me again and then left me battered, bruised, and literally bleeding at the end of it. Once again no baby for me, no hope, no real chance.

It was then that I thought of a song from my childhood.

I received my copy of Glory and Praise I got off of Ebay, today and wanted to share the first two verses of the song I sang at my First Communion. I've always loved it, but it has come to mean so much more for me now, especially as I deal with the pain of IF.

It is a religious song (actually taken from some words found written on a wall at Auschwitz) though I think it could have some meaning for many people.

I Believe in the Sun

I believe in the sun, even when it isn't shining.
I believe in love, even when there's no one there.
And I believe in God, I believe in God,
Even when he is silent.

I believe in miracles, I believe in light.
I believe there can always be a way.
I believe that nothing is impossible, I believe that nothing is impossible.
That all things are possible with God.

Joining the Blogosphere

I've blogged on Live Journal and MySpace for years but finally decided (while being alone and bored out of my mind at home) to actually start a true blog. So, here I am. It's all up in the air from here.