RIP Henri

Sweet Henri pased away today. I found him when I came home from work. I feel even more sad than normal because he had to die alone. Most of my ratties have passed as I held them. I just hope he didn't suffer.

My poor, sweet baby...I will miss his ratty kisses, his cuddles, and even how he smelled of caramel corn.

I let Tristan see him before I took him to the vet to be cremated and he wouldn't leave Henri's body alone. He kept licking his brother and trying to groom him. It was so sad.

"Find Us a Dream that Don't Ask No Questions"

I survived the Neil Diamond concert with my mom, i.e she didn't say anything stupid and we had a good time.

For those of you who have never been to a Neil Diamond concert I must say you are missing out on prime people watching. For a dude in his mid 60's, Neil's got some pretty diverse fans. You have your trotted out cougars, double fisting drinks and falling all over themselves and Neil; older couples reliving their beginnings; families with little kids in tow(wha huh?); dudes with their friends and their moms; and believe it or not tons of young girls in their twenties.

The cougars were incredibly entertaining what with all their trips to the bar and tacky clothing and all.

What wasn't entertaining was the slore sitting in front of me with her boyfriend. Girlfriend had to be in her late 20's and was flipping her hair around like no tomorrow. Seriously, it was irritating. The HP Pavilion in San Jose does not give you tons of leg room and every time she flicked her long hair it would hit my leg, my popcorn, or my beer. Ewwwww. Besides that she and her boyfriend kept hugging on each other and would bang their arms into my legs. I was ready to knock a bitch out.

The poor guy sitting next to her, when she got up to dance a few times she was dancing with her butt in his face. She was one of those hip swayers and poor guy looked like he was trying to crawl over his wife's lap to get away. That was amusing but probably only because it wasn't directed at me.

Anyway, the concert was great except for the 80's tunes. I'm sorry, I just can't stomach 80's era Neil. I'm a Live at the Greek purist. I could have shoved an ice pick in my ear during America, Forever in Blue Jeans, or You Don't Bring me Flowers. Thank the Lord he didn't sing Heartlight. I would have had to go purchase another beer for that one.

For those that love Neil I bring to you my crappy Sweet Caroline video. I was being a bad girl doing it when I wasn't even supposed to have a camera, but see how much I love you?


We had kick ass center seats but sadly, with my camera it seems so far away. You can also see swaying irritating people in front of us. That was hair flip girl and her bald headed boyfriend.

And You Call Yourself Family?

Yesterday was a bitch.

Even though I had been spotting for days and my temps were down I still had a tiny bit of hope. That was crushed at 3 am when I woke up with cramps so bad I could have ripped my uterus out and not cared.

Cycle 19 staring me in the face. Joy! Knowing that cycle 19 is already a dud due to Alex being out of town three or four days before I O, was another reason to be depressed. His sperm can hardly last an hour, they certainly won't last three days.

Yesterday we were travelling to the Bay Area to my cousin's little girl's 4th birthday. I had to stop in Target to get her a b'day present and had to steel myself against the onslaught of pregnant bellies and little ones. Blech. Sometimes I hate Target. Yesterday was one of those days.

We get to the party and everything is fine. Both my cousins (who are like my sisters) have two kids each, a boy and a girl. My mother fawns on them, as does most everyone else.

At one point I'm looking at this baby doll that belongs to Taylor, the birthday girl. It is hideous. Seriously, I don't think I've seen an uglier baby doll. First, off it's huge. No newborn is that size. It's the size of a small linebacker, or at least an overweight one year old. Secondly, it's molded face is awful. It would give most people the creeps. As a joke I covered it's face with its hat and placed it face down in the moses basket it was in. No big deal. Alex and my step daughter were laughing because they thought it was scary too.

I guess my mom was watching be because she looks at me and says,

"No wonder you don't have any kids"













Has that sunk in yet? Yeah, that's what I thought too. I slowly got up off the couch and ran outside so I could sob. Alex ran out to hold me and just let me cry.

WTH! She knew I had just started my period. She knows what I am going through. She has gone to RE appointments with me when my husband couldn't and cried with me when I got bad results. She fucking knew better.

Later, I try to compose myself and return to the party. My mom comes over to apologize but then says, "Kathy (my aunt) says I didn't say anything wrong". What a way to apologize mom. I could give a crap what my aunt thinks. Of course she doesn't think my mom said anything wrong. She doesn't have any clue what it is like to have IF daughters. She doesn't understand IF at.all.

My younger cousin takes me aside and tries to comfort me, which was surprising and very nice considering she was a total bitch that we have hardly talked to her in a year and a half since she didn't go to our wedding (it's a long story). I thought she knew about our IF because my mom had told my aunt and my other cousin so I thought Jill would have known as well. Guess she didn't or didn't think too hard about it.

She didn't understand, of course, and proceeded to tell me how she had two abortions (I knew about one) and when she couldn't get knocked up with a couple different boyfriends after seven years, she thought God was punishing her. Uhhhhhh. I just sat there nodding. I know she was trying to help so I didn't go off on her. Sometimes I think they only people who know how to help and what to say are those going through it themselves.

Anyway, long story short, we rode home in silence. I was still too pissed at my mom to talk. I hadn't talked to her the rest of the night while we were at the party. Once we got home I sat in the car and talked to her. She just cried and cried. See, my mom holds everything in and doesn't tell people when they upset her. I'm the opposite. I have to let it out or it eats me up. She has a hard time with that. She said she didn't mean to say that, that it came out wrong. She took me telling her that what she said was, "one of the cruelest things she could say" to mean that she, herself was cruel. She didn't see that telling me my aunt's comment sounded like an excuse for her behavior. She thinks she doesn't know what to say to me anymore because I get upset a lot.

Yet another reason why IF sucks.

At the end we ended up being ok. We needed to be because today I'm talking her to a Neil Diamond concert.

The Spaniard in Me is Insulted

Dear Senator McCain, this is Prime Minister Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero.

He lives here:



Not here:



You idiot.

Do you now want to attack Spain too?

Drill, Drill, Drill

I love Eve Ensler. I have had the honor of seeing her perform her play The Good Body at ACT in San Francisco. It was amazing and such a powerful statement of how women perceive their bodies and self worth. Some of you may recognize her as the playwrite of The Vagina Monologues. Today I read this commentary she wrote on Sarah Palin and wanted to share it.

Found in the Huffington Post

Drill, Drill, Drill
by Eve Ensler
Posted September 8, 2008 01:18 PM (EST)

I am having Sarah Palin nightmares. I dreamt last night that she was a member of a club where they rode snowmobiles and wore the claws of drowned and starved polar bears around their necks. I have a particular thing for Polar Bears. Maybe it's their snowy whiteness or their bigness or the fact that they live in the arctic or that I have never seen one in person or touched one. Maybe it is the fact that they live so comfortably on ice. Whatever it is, I need the polar bears.

I don't like raging at women. I am a Feminist and have spent my life trying to build community, help empower women and stop violence against them. It is hard to write about Sarah Palin. This is why the Sarah Palin choice was all the more insidious and cynical. The people who made this choice count on the goodness and solidarity of Feminists.

But everything Sarah Palin believes in and practices is antithetical to Feminism which for me is part of one story -- connected to saving the earth, ending racism, empowering women, giving young girls options, opening our minds, deepening tolerance, and ending violence and war.

I believe that the McCain/Palin ticket is one of the most dangerous choices of my lifetime, and should this country chose those candidates the fall-out may be so great, the destruction so vast in so many areas that America may never recover. But what is equally disturbing is the impact that duo would have on the rest of the world. Unfortunately, this is not a joke. In my lifetime I have seen the clownish, the inept, the bizarre be elected to the presidency with regularity.

Sarah Palin does not believe in evolution. I take this as a metaphor. In her world and the world of Fundamentalists nothing changes or gets better or evolves. She does not believe in global warming. The melting of the arctic, the storms that are destroying our cities, the pollution and rise of cancers, are all part of God's plan. She is fighting to take the polar bears off the endangered species list. The earth, in Palin's view, is here to be taken and plundered. The wolves and the bears are here to be shot and plundered. The oil is here to be taken and plundered. Iraq is here to be taken and plundered. As she said herself of the Iraqi war, "It was a task from God."

Sarah Palin does not believe in abortion. She does not believe women who are raped and incested and ripped open against their will should have a right to determine whether they have their rapist's baby or not.

She obviously does not believe in sex education or birth control. I imagine her daughter was practicing abstinence and we know how many babies that makes.

Sarah Palin does not much believe in thinking. From what I gather she has tried to ban books from the library, has a tendency to dispense with people who think independently. She cannot tolerate an environment of ambiguity and difference. This is a woman who could and might very well be the next president of the United States. She would govern one of the most diverse populations on the earth.

Sarah believes in guns. She has her own custom Austrian hunting rifle. She has been known to kill 40 caribou at a clip. She has shot hundreds of wolves from the air.

Sarah believes in God. That is of course her right, her private right. But when God and Guns come together in the public sector, when war is declared in God's name, when the rights of women are denied in his name, that is the end of separation of church and state and the undoing of everything America has ever tried to be.

I write to my sisters. I write because I believe we hold this election in our hands. This vote is a vote that will determine the future not just of the U.S., but of the planet. It will determine whether we create policies to save the earth or make it forever uninhabitable for humans. It will determine whether we move towards dialogue and diplomacy in the world or whether we escalate violence through invasion, undermining and attack. It will determine whether we go for oil, strip mining, coal burning or invest our money in alternatives that will free us from dependency and destruction. It will determine if money gets spent on education and healthcare or whether we build more and more methods of killing. It will determine whether America is a free open tolerant society or a closed place of fear, fundamentalism and aggression.

If the Polar Bears don't move you to go and do everything in your power to get Obama elected then consider the chant that filled the hall after Palin spoke at the RNC, "Drill Drill Drill." I think of teeth when I think of drills. I think of rape. I think of destruction. I think of domination. I think of military exercises that force mindless repetition, emptying the brain of analysis, doubt, ambiguity or dissent. I think of pain.

Do we want a future of drilling? More holes in the ozone, in the floor of the sea, more holes in our thinking, in the trust between nations and peoples, more holes in the fabric of this precious thing we call life?

Well, We are Still Here

Neener, neener. Of course now I'm exhausted.

Alex and I stayed up to watch the webcast but it was down. Seems like the brilliant scientists didn't consider that there would be thousands of people interested in such a webcast causing crashes and error messages. You'd think they would have had the foresight to have mirror sites up.

Of course this morning I noticed they do now. Either way that was lame to stay up and not get to see/hear anything.

The first beam was successful. They sent protons around both ways. Sadly, they didn't do any collisions. I guess we'll have to wait for that black hole another day...LOL

Particle Physics is Supa Dupa Fly

5, 4, 3, 2, ....



No, we are not going to be swallowed up in a black hole. And if we were, we wouldn't even know it was happening. Regardless, the hype of the danger of CERN's LHC (Large Hadron Collider) is silly. My husband is silly too because he actually sort of believes everything will end tonight at midnight. I will be sitting on the couch next to him, watching the live streaming on the big screen TV, and laughing my ass off.

All in all, I think it is amazingly cool and I won't even pretend to understand much in the ways of particle or theoretical physics. What I do know is that these experiments could change the way we think of the world, the Big Bang, and honestly change the field of science all-together.

So ATLAS, ALICE, and CMS; do your stuff! I can't wait to see what you find...even if I'll be exhausted tomorrow.

As an add on for the science geeks out there...this is too funny. I've even shared it with my fifth graders though it went way over their heads.

Liar, Liars, Pants on Fire

Just read this and thought it was too good not to pass on.

I couldn't watch all of the drivel on TV last night, it was making our stomachs churn. Hoever, I caught bits of them, did read a lot of the speeches online and have been following the analysts and whatnot. That said, I caught many of these comments and thought, whoa they are lying through their teeth. The comment about Palin getting more votes than Biden is the most laughable and interestingly enough, the biggest lie.

From: AP link

Attacks, praise stretch truth at GOP convention
By JIM KUHNHENN, Associated Press Writer

Wed Sep 3, 11:48 PM ET


ST. PAUL, Minn. - Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin and her Republican supporters held back little Wednesday as they issued dismissive attacks on Barack Obama and flattering praise on her credentials to be vice president. In some cases, the reproach and the praise stretched the truth.


Some examples:

PALIN: "I have protected the taxpayers by vetoing wasteful spending ... and championed reform to end the abuses of earmark spending by Congress. I told the Congress 'thanks but no thanks' for that Bridge to Nowhere."

THE FACTS: As mayor of Wasilla, Palin hired a lobbyist and traveled to Washington annually to support earmarks for the town totaling $27 million. In her two years as governor, Alaska has requested nearly $750 million in special federal spending, by far the largest per-capita request in the nation. While Palin notes she rejected plans to build a $398 million bridge from Ketchikan to an island with 50 residents and an airport, that opposition came only after the plan was ridiculed nationally as a "bridge to nowhere."

PALIN: "There is much to like and admire about our opponent. But listening to him speak, it's easy to forget that this is a man who has authored two memoirs but not a single major law or reform — not even in the state senate."

THE FACTS: Compared to McCain and his two decades in the Senate, Obama does have a more meager record. But he has worked with Republicans to pass legislation that expanded efforts to intercept illegal shipments of weapons of mass destruction and to help destroy conventional weapons stockpiles. The legislation became law last year. To demean that accomplishment would be to also demean the work of Republican Sen. Richard Lugar of Indiana, a respected foreign policy voice in the Senate. In Illinois, he was the leader on two big, contentious measures in Illinois: studying racial profiling by police and requiring recordings of interrogations in potential death penalty cases. He also successfully co-sponsored major ethics reform legislation.

PALIN: "The Democratic nominee for president supports plans to raise income taxes, raise payroll taxes, raise investment income taxes, raise the death tax, raise
business taxes, and increase the tax burden on the American people by hundreds of billions of dollars."

THE FACTS: The Tax Policy Center, a think tank run jointly by the Brookings Institution and the Urban Institute, concluded that Obama's plan would increase after-tax income for middle-income taxpayers by about 5 percent by 2012, or nearly $2,200 annually. McCain's plan, which cuts taxes across all income levels, would raise after tax-income for middle-income taxpayers by 3 percent, the center concluded.

Obama would provide $80 billion in tax breaks, mainly for poor workers and the elderly, including tripling the Earned Income Tax Credit for minimum-wage workers and higher credits for larger families.

He also would raise income taxes, capital gains and dividend taxes on the wealthiest. He would raise payroll taxes on taxpayers with incomes above $250,000, and he would raise corporate taxes. Small businesses that make more than $250,000 a year would see taxes rise.

MCCAIN: "She's been governor of our largest state, in charge of 20 percent of America's energy supply ... She's responsible for 20 percent of the nation's energy supply. I'm entertained by the comparison and I hope we can keep making that comparison that running a political campaign is somehow comparable to being the executive of the largest state in America," he said in an interview with ABC News' Charles Gibson.

THE FACTS: McCain's phrasing exaggerates both claims. Palin is governor of a state that ranks second nationally in crude oil production, but she's no more "responsible" for that resource than President Bush was when he was governor of Texas, another oil-producing state. In fact, her primary power is the ability to tax oil, which she did in concert with the Alaska Legislature. And where Alaska is the largest state in America, McCain could as easily have called it the 47th largest state — by population.

MCCAIN: "She's the commander of the Alaska National Guard. ... She has been in charge, and she has had national security as one of her primary responsibilities," he said on ABC.

THE FACTS: While governors are in charge of their state guard units, that authority ends whenever those units are called to actual military service. When guard units are deployed to Iraq or Afghanistan, for example, they assume those duties under "federal status," which means they report to the Defense Department, not their governors. Alaska's national guard units have a total of about 4,200 personnel, among the smallest of state guard organizations.

FORMER ARKANSAS GOV. MIKE HUCKABEE: Palin "got more votes running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska than Joe Biden got running for president of the United States."

THE FACTS: A whopper. Palin got 616 votes in the 1996 mayor's election, and got 909 in her 1999 re-election race, for a total of 1,525. Biden dropped out of the race after the Iowa caucuses, but he still got 76,165 votes in 23 states and the District of Columbia where he was on the ballot during the 2008 presidential primaries.

FORMER MASSACHUSETTS GOV. MITT ROMNEY: "We need change, all right — change from a
liberal Washington to a conservative Washington! We have a prescription for every American who wants change in Washington — throw out the big-government liberals, and elect John McCain and Sarah Palin."

THE FACTS: A Back-to-the-Future moment. George W. Bush, a conservative Republican, has been president for nearly eight years. And until last year, Republicans controlled Congress. Only since January 2007 have Democrats have been in charge of the House and Senate

Now, I'm not saying the left doesn't stretch the truth but come on, the right did nothing but play on fear and sling mud and insults last night. Where is the substance? Where are the issues? What is your platform? Redamndiculous.

Would You Want this Woman to be Your President?

I don't. Here's why:

1. She supports opening the Arctic National Wildlife Reserve to drilling.

Funny how her husband works for BP.

2. She is opposed to the decision to list polar bears as a threatened species under the Endangered Species Act because she thinks it'll hurt the state's economy.

Yeah, because it's good to make money off of douchebags who get their jollies off on shooting endangered animals.

3. She is anti-choice.

As my religion coordinator said in a conversation with me yesterday, "We all are pro-life. Who wakes up in the morning saying, 'I want to kill babies today'?. But who am I to say what another woman can or cannot do to her own body?"

I agree with her. I also agree with what Obama said in his speech about abortion and birth control.

We may not agree on abortion, but surely we can agree on reducing the number of unwanted pregnancies in this country.

I mean seriously people, I don't understand why Republicans can lump birth control in with abortion and think that it's ok to deny a woman control over her fertility. That is outrageous. Oh it's killing babies. How is it killing a baby? That egg isn't a baby. And I'm here to tell you that not all eggs equal babies in the end anyway. I've released eggs for years, even up to five or more once, and no baby in sight.

When will people get their heads out of their asses and realize that teaching abstinence doesn't work? I went to all-girls Catholic high school and we weren't taught abstinence. We were taught about birth control.

4. She thinks Creationism should be taught in schools.

But Jennifer, you teach at a school that talks about Creationism... Yep I do, but it's a Catholic school. I strongly believe in the separation of church and state, nothing good comes out of religion having a strong hold on the government (hello Spanish Inquisition anyone?). If you want your child to learn about God and Jesus, read the bible, pray as a group, etc., send them to a Catholic or Christian school. Don't put your demands on public schools where you have folks of all different faiths attending. That's not fair to any of them.

I should also add that at my Catholic school we teach about....wait for it...evolution! Myself and the religion coordinator follow our Catholic faith traditions and teach about the history and translations of the bible, and encourage questioning the establishment.

5. She's been governor for a little over a year, to a state that has 670,053 people.

My county has 410,206 people for goodness sakes. One good thing about that is at least McCain can stop criticizing Obama over his experience. He can also stop the too young thing too while he's at it.

6. McCain doesn't even know this broad. He's met her once.

One meeting and he thinks she'd be perfect to take over when his 72 year old ass keels over? Guess he thinks he's right as rain and or having another former beauty queen next to him was enough of a draw.

My former polar bear hating Republican parent would be falling all over himself over this one.

Clicky here for a reminder of that dude.

Make It Go Away

I'm in a foul mood.

I'm tired, I'm cranky, I feel like a freaking reproductive failure. Nothing has gone right the past couple months, we just keep getting shit on and I wish it could all go away.

RIP Elvis

Elvis is still The King.

Why Mass Makes Me Cry

Stephanie's post on TTC6+ made me think of how I always cry in church, always. Communion can do it, readings can do it, but mostly the songs do it. Certain songs I can hardly sing as much as I love them because they have a tendency to make me sob.

This can be pretty embarrassing, especially when it comes to school masses where I am sitting with my students. They always look at me strangely, like why is this woman crying over a song? A few years ago one of my parents would cry over one of the songs I did so at least I had a crying buddy.

So without further ado here are my top tearjerker hymns. I'll even include lyrics and Youtube videos so you can cry along with me. Bolded lyrics are the lyrics that have really touched me in my IF journey.

1. On Eagle's Wings
(Lyrics in video)




2. Be Not Afraid



You shall cross the barren desert,
but you shall not die of thirst.
You shall wander far in safety
though you do not know the way.
You shall speak your words in foreign lands
and all will understand.
You shall see the face of God and live.

Refrain:
Be not afraid.
I go before you always.
Come, follow me, and I will give you rest.

If you pass through raging waters in the sea,
you shall not drown.
If you walk amid the burning flames,
you shall not be harmed.
If you stand before the pow’r of hell
and death is at your side,
know that I am with you through it all.

Blessed are your poor,
for the kingdom shall be theirs.
Blest are you that weep and mourn,
for one day you shall laugh.
And if wicked tongues insult and hate you
all because of me,
blessed, blessed are you!




3. Here I Am , Lord



I, the Lord of sea and sky,
I have heard my people cry.
All who dwell in dark and sin
My hand will save.
I, who made the stars of night,
I will make their darkness bright.
Who will bear my light to them?
Whom shall I send?

Refrain:
Here I am, Lord.
Is it I, Lord?
I have heard you calling in the night.
I will go, Lord,
if you lead me.
I will hold your people in my heart.

I, the Lord of snow and rain,
I have borne my people’s pain.
I have wept for love of them.
They turn away.
I will break their hearts of stone,
Give them hearts for love alone.
I will speak my word to them.
Whom shall I send?

I, the Lord of wind and flame,
I will tend the poor and lame.
I will set a feast for them.
My hand will save.
Finest bread I will provide
Till their hearts be satisfied.
I will give my life to them.
Whom shall I send?




4. The Summons



Will you come and follow me
If I but call your name?
Will you go where you don’t know
And never be the same?
Will you let my love be shown,
Will you let my name be known,
Will you let my life be grown
In you and you in me?

Will you leave yourself behind
If I but call your name?
Will you care for cruel and kind
And never be the same?
Will you risk the hostile stare
Should your life attract or scare?
Will you let me answer prayer
In you and you in me?

Will you let the blinded see
If I but call your name?
Will you set the pris’ners free
And never be the same?
Will you kiss the leper clean,
And do such as this unseen,
And admit to what I mean
In you and you in me?

Will you love the ‘you’ you hide
If I but call your name?
Will you quell the fear inside
And never be the same?
Will you use the faith you’ve found
To reshape the world around,
Through my sight and touch and sound
In you and you in me?

Lord, your summons echoes true
When you but call my name.
Let me turn and follow you
And never be the same.
In your company I’ll go
Where your love and footsteps show.
Thus I’ll move and live and grow
In you and you in me.




5. You are Mine



I will come to you in the silence
I will lift you from all your fear
You will hear My voice
I claim you as My choice
Be still, and know I am near

I am hope for all who are hopeless
I am eyes for all who long to see
In the shadows of the night,
I will be your light
Come and rest in Me

Chorus:
Do not be afraid, I am with you
I have called you each by name
Come and follow Me
I will bring you home
I love you and you are mine

I am strength for all the despairing
Healing for the ones who dwell in shame
All the blind will see, the lame will all run free
And all will know My name

Chorus

I am the Word that leads all to freedom
I am the peace the world cannot give
I will call your name, embracing all your pain
Stand up, now, walk, and live

Chorus

6. Christ be our Light

(This choir kicks butt)



Longing for light, we wait in darkness.
Longing for truth, we turn to you.
Make us your own, your holy people,
light for the world to see.

Refrain:
Christ, be our light! Shine in our hearts.
Shine through the darkness.
Christ, be our light!
Shine in your church gathered today.

Longing for peace, our world is troubled.
Longing for hope, many despair.
Your word alone has pow’r to save us.
Make us your living voice.

Longing for food, many are hungry.
Longing for water, many still thirst.
Make us your bread, broken for others,
shared until all are fed.

Longing for shelter, many are homeless.
Longing for warmth, many are cold.
Make us your building, sheltering others,
walls made of living stone.

Many the gifts, many the people,
many the hearts that yearn to belong.
Let us be servants to one another,
making your kingdom come.

Have We Talked About the Husbands?

IF can be a ticket straight to divorce court if you aren't careful.

Yesterday, after therapy, Alex told me that he was upset because I was becoming the type of woman he always hated, a woman obsessed with having babies. He said that he was sad because I wasn't the Jennifer he fell in love with.

I just sat there as he was driving and cried.

I told him that I didn't like me either. I was upset that I was becoming this person and longed for the old me back.

I hate obsessing over babies but it's not something I can stop. I'm the one who has to chart, pee on sticks, take the pills, check my CM, temp every day, buy his supplement, stress over "symptoms", stare at the BFNs, wait for the bleeding to start, and figure out where, when and how we can get back into treatment. I'm carrying this all on my own and he's the one with the main issue.

There I said it.

I'm carrying the whole weight of this on my back when really it's not my issue. And because of it, I have become the depressed, changed person I wrote about in my last blog. Because of it, my husband doesn't know who I am anymore.

After we worked through some stuff last night I got to thinking about my girls on the TTC6+ board and about how a few of them are struggling in their marriages. Their husbands always seem to be holding them back somehow, some even sabotaging the process. We all carry it on our backs and the guys float along, seemingly uncaring.

I wish they would understand the maternal feelings most women get. We have a deep down urge to procreate and mother, and when we can't it just becomes worse. I never knew how strong that urge was, not until now.

So where do we go from here? We continue with therapy and I hope that my husband can learn to love me as I am right now and keep supporting me until we get to the other side. Because that's what we all hope for, the other side. I know it's out there and I know all of this will go away once we get there.

But I need help to get through.

The Infertile Lifestyle

This is not a lifestyle I would wish on anyone. Nor is it one I would choose for myself. It isn't glamorous, it isn't desired, it isn't happy.

This lifestyle includes many doctor visits, intimate moments with the dildo cam, pills and shots. It includes many nights crying yourself to sleep and feeling like a broken failure most every day. It includes depression. The worst kind of depression that is often hidden and debilitating. It includes the loss of friends because they don't understand why you are pulling away, why you are wanting to hide from the world. What could be so bad?

This lifestyle makes you bitter towards any large family, towards pregnant woman, towards the sight of a baby. Let me just tell you that the grocery store is akin to the 6th level of hell. Pregnant women happily rubbing their bellies and new babies EVERYWHERE. I can't even go down the baby aisle as a shortcut anymore. Alex knows we have to go around because it's just a whole row of reminders.

And all those reminders, they make you cry and those of us in the IF lifestyle will often find ourselves crying in the middle of the grocery store, or Target, or church; where ever we find a reminder.

One of my dear friends mentioned today how she cried in Church this weekend because of a large family with a new baby in the pew front of her. She's not alone. Another TTC6+ girl said she can hardly go to church anymore because she ends up in tears every time as she's surrounded by babies and small children. This would be something that at the beginning of your TTC/IF journey wouldn't have affected you but over time it gets worse and worse. Stacie is right, it does change you. The IF lifestyle changes you. It takes away the joy and brings the sadness.

Some people are lucky for the lifestyle doesn't seem to affect them as much or maybe they are just good at hiding it outwardly. Some seem impervious to it and are able to find the joy in things. I wish I could but some days it's virtually impossible.

I recently told Alex that I was depressed. He didn't seem to understand that I wasn't just "sad", this wasn't an, "Oh I'm so depressed because my favorite show isn't on", kind of thing. It is clinical depression. It's real and it's deep down. I think many of us in the lifestyle have it and I think many people in our lives don't realize to the extent we feel this hurt and hopelessness.

This is a lifestyle I hope all of my sisters can get out of because none of us deserve it, none of us want it, and it all can be cured by the arrival of one small wonderful thing.

And as an ironic punch to the gut, what did I see when I clicked on Blogger to write this blog but




Are you freaking kidding me? Even in trying to get our feelings out we are subjected to babies. So not cool.

Cycle 17 is Already a Bitch

17. 17 cycles and I'm still not pregnant.

I didn't even cry when my period showed yesterday. It was as if I expected it to. It's second nature now, that dissapointment. I had some hope this last cycle, which I kick myself for now. No spotting until the day before FP showed and FP showed late. I figure any made up "symptoms" were created by my body to merely to mess with my head.

This became an even bigger slap in the face this afternoon when a former BOTB regular on the Nest showed up today to announce her second BFP. I remember her first BFP and while I liked her, I just couldn't muster up a congrats in her announcement post.

Because it just isn't fair and I'm tired of being bitter and sad.

One Would Think I have a Masterbation Problem

You'd think from the multiple times I've fingered myself today that I do. Nope, I'm merely being a CM checking psycho. Yesterday, 12 DPO, no spotting in the 50 million times I checked. Today, 13 DPO, I have yet to see any signs of spotting and believe me I've looked....like a sex crazed loser.

This 2WW is currently driving me batshit crazy.

One is Silver and the Other's Gold

My dear friend Alicia and her daughter Eve left for the Ukraine today. Alicia will be teaching in Kiev for two years at an international school. I'm so sad she will be so far away for so long. She has really been there for me during some hard times and during fun times. She has been a great friend and confidant, as well as a great actress and director. Have a great trip Alicia, I'll be thinking of you daily.

It's been a hard year for my friendships. I don't need anyone else to leave.

...and the Walls Come Tumbling Down

Shortly after writing that last blog the rug was indeed pulled out from under me, worse than I could ever imagine.

My day started with taking Henri to the exotic vet and finding out it wasn't an abscess but a tumor. Of course it needed to be removed so I said good bye to sweet Henri and around $300.00 so he could have that awful thing removed. The vet seemed hopeful about it and said it would be easy to remove.

I was supposed to hang with my mom but shelling out money, when I was already worried about money for IVF, didn't put me in a real festive mood.

Then I got the call that made everything crash down around me. Melissa, the finance person at my clinic, called to tell me that my RE no longer carried my insurance. I knew they weren't a provider for Cigna but they were for Beech Street which is under the Cigna umbrella. As of June they no longer contract with them. This is why she had such a hard time getting exact prices for me the day before.

She explains how I could pay as a cash patient and then bill my insurance. However, if we were stressing over $5100 how on earth could I pay $10,000 upfront for the procedure alone? All I could do was cry and tell Melissa that that wouldn't be feasible for us and we'd have to cancel going forward on the cycle. I know she felt terrible but I also know there wasn't anything she could do. "This is what I hate about my job", she said.

When I got off the phone with her I tried to call Alex but couldn't reach him. That didn't help because I was hysterical at that point and practically hyperventilating. I turned to my girls on the TTC6+ board and they helped talk me down.

The biggest help was Megan coming to see me. What an amazing friend. She actually left work to come sit and cry with me. That is worth it's weight in gold.

Before she arrived I had to call my mom and tell her the cycle was a no go. She just sat on the phone crying and saying, "Why?" You see, my mom wants this as much as I do and it made me cry all over again to hear her choke up. Alex finally got back to me and immediately suggested we switch to UCSF's clinic. We know they are under our insurance because before we found out my local RE was covered under Beech Street, we were going to go up to SF.

So it looks like we'll be heading to SF for IVF but the sad thing is we'll have to wait for next summer. I'll have to actually live up there for two weeks during stims and ER/ET because of all the monitoring etc. There's no way we can drive two hours every day with Alex's job. I hate this because I'll be another year older, less fertile than I am now. However, what can I do? My hands are tied.

I hate this.

One thing Megan told me to do was make a list of things I was going to do to get ready for next summer. She said list making helps her so just for her I'm going to do it. Bold things are done.

To Do Before IVF
- Keep trying naturally
- Buy OPKs
- Go back to temping all the time
- Take my pills regularly (I had stopped my PNV, because why bother?)
- Make sure Alex is still taking all of his supplements
- Buy more Pre Seed
- SAVE MONEY
- Request info from UCSF
- Make an appointment to talk to UCSF
- Finish b/w needed for IVF cycle (CF/STD screen)
- Keep praying for a miracle

There's probably more I could add but I can't think of it now.

P.S- Henri is home and is fine. He has steel stitches so he doesn't take them out but he did great.

The Emotional IF Rollercoaster

...and I want to get off.

After all the fretting over whether or not Alex was going to freak before our appointments at the clinic, we get there and meet Melissa (Financial Services) and Karen (IVF Coordinator). The new office is awesome.

We hear the spiel on our insurance first. Instead of the 90% coverage we thought we would have we now have 70% coverage. So basically we pay $3600 before everything is covered 100%.

Then we move next door and go through the checklist of what we've done and what we still need to do. According to Karen we are ahead of schedule with the testing but I'm too close for comfort in starting BCP for the September IVF cycle. Normally they like their patient on it for 6-4 weeks and I'd barely be on it for 4. She was amazed that I hardly had any questions. The internets is good for something I guess.

The whole time Alex just sat there. I don't think he said more than 5 words to Melissa and the only thing he said to Karen was his SS#. We are given the consent forms and the BCP script is called in and we are on our way.

On the way out I can tell Alex is freaking out inwardly. When don't talk about it in the car because my stepdaughter is there waiting for us. We do when we get home though.

Alex, very calmly says that there is no way we could save $3600 in a month and a half and I know he is right. We come to the conclusion that waiting for the November cycle would be the best and give us time to save. Hopefully I won't have to repeat any of my tests because it would be a year after I originally had them.

To console myself I call Megan (my personal cheerleader) and I post on TTC6+ the good and bad things regarding our RE appointments.

-DH is on board

-We are ahead of the game prep wise with our pre IVF testing. Now we'll be able to finish the last bit of bloodwork early.

- November would be better time wise for me than September. My RE asks all his patients to be on bed rest 3 days after transfer and this would be very hard to do the first month of school. Add in one day off for retrieval and ouch.

-We have three months to try and save the money.

-I can be on BCP the full length they would want me on. The IVF coordinator said normally they want their patients on 6 weeks.

So I was feeling pretty positive about our decision and was amazed that I didn't even cry. And then the roof caved in.

I decided to look up med coverage on Cigna's website and to my horror only found a couple things covered (Lupron being one of them). Injectibles were not covered. That broke me and I sobbed in front of the comp for a good half hour. It seemed that every time I was up something had to kick me back down. It didn't help that in the midst of this I discovered that Henri, one of my ratties, had a lump on his amdomen which I think is an abscess.

This morning I called Cigna right away and it seems that they will cover the injectibles but through the medical side of my insurance. The meds have a deductable though so add $1500 to the aforementioned $3600 and we are facing not being able to do November either.

I'm so tired of this. I don't want to ride this rollercoaster any more.

Time to go back to School

For John McCain that is.

This morning, on Good Morning America, McCain made yet another gaffe. This time it was on shared borders. According to McCain, Pakistan and Iraq share a border. Ummmm no. Maybe he was busy hanging out with Miss South Carolina because she seems just as clueless.





Perhaps he needs a refresher in geography as Iraq is two countries away from Pakistan. Baghdad, the capital of Iraq is over 1,500 miles from Pakistan’s capital of Islamabad. Funny how those pesky countries Afghanistan and Iran are in the way.

Map courtesy of ThinkProgress

I think we should make all presidential candidates take a history and geography quiz. Seriously, I'm done with the idiot parade.