Total frustration...

I should be working on lesson plans right now but I am upset by a "meeting" my principal and I had. Seems she thinks I am too dependant on my mother...that we have lunch together already so I shouldn't need to sit next to her at meetings. ??? Didn't realize there was anything wrong with sitting next to a certain person at a meeting.

She insinuated that I needed to be more social with everyone else which is a bunch of hooey. Anyone who really knows me knows I talk to everyone. I told her that I didn't sit next to my mother to talk because I was under the impression that we were having a meeting not a social gathering. Anyway long story short she made me cry and I really get po'd when people make me cry.

She ended up saying she was sorry that she offended me. Seems she was a bit jealous as she thought I was confiding my woes with my mother and not with her. *eye roll* Whatever. I don't tell people that crap...well except for my journal right ;)


Beyond Borders

Just got back home from seeing Beyond Borders with Alex. It was avery powerful film for us almost reducing us to tears throughout. If you are a sheep I would not recommend seeing it as it isn't an entertaining movie. It is instead a movie that forces you to realize the reality that is beyond our happy, comfy borders of McDonalds, malls and fast cars.

It made me want to do something even more, as it did Alex. He said he would leave right now if it weren't for the kids. I understand for I'd be out there if it weren't for my family. I don't know how I could leave my mom behind but I feel this calling in a way that has been growing steadily for about 2 years now.

Where do I go...how do I even begin?

On a different note, the army once again fucked up.

Fort Ord Burn Out Of Control
1,270 Acres Of Thick Brush Burned

POSTED: 3:30 p.m. PDT October 24, 2003
UPDATED: 9:29 p.m. PDT October 24, 2003

SEASIDE, Calif. -- A prescribed burn at the former Fort Ord has blackened 1,270 acres and is out of control, Action News reported Friday afternoon.

The burn started about 8:30 a.m. and the smoke from it could be seen for miles as it drifted out over Monterey Bay and into some communities.

About 500 acres of thick brush was scheduled to be burned in an effort to remove thick ground cover so that crews can reach dangerous unexploded ordinance that lies beneath.

Earlier in the day, a spokesman for the company in charge of the burn, Firestop, said it was a successful burn, although not everything went as planned. Officials said the blaze did escape the fire line at one point, forcing engineers to change their plans, but that it was not out of control.

"Wildfire is sometimes unpredictable. It has a tendency to do the things it wants to do ... all we can do is plan for those contingencies, which we did, and bringing it back into line when it gets outside of what expected," Firestop spokesman Rich Foster said.

More than 80 personnel, including 12 helicopters, are on hand to battle the flames.

Army officials said there are no more burns scheduled at the site until next summer.

...Not out of control MY ASS! We drove by it coming home and there were massive flames dangerously close to homes in Seaside. Interesting how we got a notice that the fire was 90% contained at like 11am.


It's almost Wednesday

Just wanted to show everyone a picture I took today.

We may look sweet, we may look cute...but ooooooohhhhhh.

I had another observation today. The day wasn't working in my favor. Coach was on leave today so we had no PE my prep time for my science lesson and the lesson in which I was to be observed and graded. So there goes the prep time. I was amazed however because for an hour and a half straight they we silent as can be...perfectly well behaved and calm..working hard on handwriting and then art projects. I was shocked. Then Rey came in for science and it was a whole different story. My computer and projector set up didn't work and they started spazzing out towards the end. *sigh* Hands on science became let's toss the rock around. I had to really raise my voice.

Rey strangely loved that...okay....you wouldn't think they would want you to "yell" at your students but whatever. I got a glowing review. Another shocker but hey I'm just glad this bout is over until next month.

I also collected about 7 or 8 cards and pictures today. for some reason the kids were being loves and handing me pictures and poems left and right. It made me feel good because after visiting my former school last Monday I was missing my babies real bad along with all the love they share. A teacher needs to feel appreciated and loved you know?


Why in God's Name?

U.S. May Expand Access To Endangered Species

By Shankar Vedantam
Washington Post Staff Writer
Saturday, October 11, 2003; Page A01

The Bush administration is proposing far-reaching changes to conservation policies that would allow hunters, circuses and the pet industry to kill, capture and import animals on the brink of extinction in other countries.

Giving Americans access to endangered animals, officials said, would feed the gigantic U.S. demand for live animals, skins, parts and trophies, and generate profits that would allow poor nations to pay for conservation of the remaining animals and their habitat.

This and other proposals that pursue conservation through trade would, for example, open the door for American trophy hunters to kill the endangered straight-horned markhor in Pakistan; license the pet industry to import the blue fronted Amazon parrot from Argentina; permit the capture of endangered Asian elephants for U.S. circuses and zoos; and partially resume the trade in African ivory. No U.S. endangered species would be affected.

Conservationists think it's a bad idea. "It's a very dangerous precedent to decide that wildlife exploitation is in the best interest of wildlife," said Adam Roberts, a senior research associate at the nonprofit Animal Welfare Institute, an advocacy group for endangered species.

Killing or capturing even a few animals is hardly the best way to protect endangered species, conservationists say. Many charge that the policies cater to individuals and businesses that profit from animal exploitation.

The latest proposal involves an interpretation of the Endangered Species Act that deviates radically from the course followed by Republican and Democratic administrations since President Richard M. Nixon signed the act in 1973. The law established broad protection for endangered species, most of which are not native to America, and effectively prohibited trade in them.

Kenneth Stansell, assistant director for international affairs at the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service, said there has been a growing realization that the Endangered Species Act provides poor countries no incentive to protect dying species. Allowing American hunters, circuses and the pet industry to pay countries to take fixed numbers of animals from the wild can help protect the remaining animals, he said.

U.S. officials note that such trade is already open to hunters, pet importers and zoos in other Western nations. They say the idea is supported by poor countries that are home to the endangered species and would benefit from the revenue.

Officials at the Department of Interior and Fish and Wildlife, who are spearheading many of the new policies, said the proposals merely implement rarely used provisions in the law.

"This is absolutely consistent with the Endangered Species Act, as written," said David P. Smith, deputy assistant secretary at the Department of Interior for Fish and Wildlife and Parks. "I think the nature of the beast is such that there are critics who are going to claim some kind of ulterior motive."

Animal welfare advocates question the logic of the new approach, saying that foreign countries and groups that stand to profit will be in charge of determining how many animals can be killed or captured. Advocates also warn that opening the door to legal trade will allow poaching to flourish.

"As soon as you place a financial price on the head of wild animals, the incentive is to kill the animal or capture them," Roberts said. "The minute people find out they can have an easier time killing, shipping and profiting from wildlife, they will do so."

The proposals also trigger a visceral response: To many animal lovers, these species have emotional and symbolic value, and should never be captured or killed.

The Endangered Species Act prohibits removing domestic endangered species from the wild. Until now, that protection was extended to foreign species. Explaining the change, Stansell said, "There is a recognition that these sovereign nations have a different way of managing their natural resources."


Oh the Guilt

The last few days have been something else. Last night I had to attend and be a speaker at the first Sacramental Preparation meeting for my second grade parents and those parents of the parish children going through the Sacraments this year. This is the reason I didn't want to teach second grade. I went through all the Sacraments myself but I probably shouldn't be teaching them. I also am divorced and living with someone which is a big no no.

So right before the presentations start Fr. Emil who is a youngish priest who will be part of the Sacrament program asks me when he finds out who my mother is (the school secretary) if I was the one getting married...no I say. "Oh is it your sister?" No I don't have a sister. The Sunday School teacher then pipes in, "Jennifer you'll already married aren't you?" Which I have to answer I was 'cause I can't lie *sigh*. So then I mention that I was wanting to get an annulment to which Fr. Emile says he's on the tribunal and we can talk about it afterwards.

So the meeting bombs...for me at least. Being a theatre person I can talk out my ass for ages...have no problem being in front of people but I was not doing well this night. I should have sounded canned and read off my handouts but nooooo I had to try to wing it without reading and sounded lame in the process.

Afterwards. I talked with Fr. Emile in the rectory for a couple minutes about the whole annulment thing. I had to cry of course. Sometimes divorce seems like such a shameful thing, you failed or you didn't try hard enough. He was very kind about it and said some people were just not meant for each other. Then the whole cost of an annulment came up and I burst into tears again..even worse when he said that I wouldn't have to worry about it and that he would have the church take care of it. It's damn expensive and partially the reason I've waited for so long.

So now I have to fill out all the paperwork, obtain witnesses (5 of them), and write out our history (5 pages worth). Then it goes to the diocese tribunal (court) and then to the archdiocese if it makes it through the first round. All this to clear my marriage slate. Or not, as Fr. Emile said, to say it never happened but that it was non Sacramental. *sigh* I don't plan on getting married in the church again but I didn't want to be committing a major "sin" whenever I do get remarried.

Either way my future with communion is doomed..which sucks for my job.

Sometimes religion sucks.

And that brings us to today. My relationship with the secretary at the school is unique because well she's my mom..so I see my mom every day. After school she came into my room to talk with me about something I was angry with her for doing. She had told me that she sent my ex a birthday card. I know she had done this the last two years we were not together as well as to all his family but give me a break...we're divorced now...I have someone new. So I was mad. She said she didn't put love on it or anything. She just wanted to send him one since she sends them to everyone else in his family. I explained why I was angry and she understood but didn't say she'd stop.

Then she started tearing up about the whole loss of "family" (like we all were that close) with the divorce (like they talked to me at all after the separation). When she cries I cry so I was trying to hold it together. Then she starts in on the full blown tears because she isn't a grandma yet and "she wants a grandbaby". I don't need to hear that crap because I already hurt not having a kid. I want one so bad it drives me batty but what can I do? I can't have one now, I'd lose my job. I don't want to have one before I get re-hitched anyway. She thinks she is going to be an ancient grandma but she doesn't realize that I don't want to be an older mother either. Her crying and making me feel like shit doesn't help anything. It just makes it worse.

Alex told me the other day he wasn't ready to get married right now because he wasn't happy with himself. Well I would think if that was holding me back I would start doing something about it. I don't see him doing anything to lose weight which is what he is unhappy about. Eating HUGE portions of food and snacking all through the night doesn't help. I can't help him and I can't ever talk to him about it because he just gets mad. So no self satisfaction, no ring...no babies. *sigh*