Would You Want this Woman to be Your President?

I don't. Here's why:

1. She supports opening the Arctic National Wildlife Reserve to drilling.

Funny how her husband works for BP.

2. She is opposed to the decision to list polar bears as a threatened species under the Endangered Species Act because she thinks it'll hurt the state's economy.

Yeah, because it's good to make money off of douchebags who get their jollies off on shooting endangered animals.

3. She is anti-choice.

As my religion coordinator said in a conversation with me yesterday, "We all are pro-life. Who wakes up in the morning saying, 'I want to kill babies today'?. But who am I to say what another woman can or cannot do to her own body?"

I agree with her. I also agree with what Obama said in his speech about abortion and birth control.

We may not agree on abortion, but surely we can agree on reducing the number of unwanted pregnancies in this country.

I mean seriously people, I don't understand why Republicans can lump birth control in with abortion and think that it's ok to deny a woman control over her fertility. That is outrageous. Oh it's killing babies. How is it killing a baby? That egg isn't a baby. And I'm here to tell you that not all eggs equal babies in the end anyway. I've released eggs for years, even up to five or more once, and no baby in sight.

When will people get their heads out of their asses and realize that teaching abstinence doesn't work? I went to all-girls Catholic high school and we weren't taught abstinence. We were taught about birth control.

4. She thinks Creationism should be taught in schools.

But Jennifer, you teach at a school that talks about Creationism... Yep I do, but it's a Catholic school. I strongly believe in the separation of church and state, nothing good comes out of religion having a strong hold on the government (hello Spanish Inquisition anyone?). If you want your child to learn about God and Jesus, read the bible, pray as a group, etc., send them to a Catholic or Christian school. Don't put your demands on public schools where you have folks of all different faiths attending. That's not fair to any of them.

I should also add that at my Catholic school we teach about....wait for it...evolution! Myself and the religion coordinator follow our Catholic faith traditions and teach about the history and translations of the bible, and encourage questioning the establishment.

5. She's been governor for a little over a year, to a state that has 670,053 people.

My county has 410,206 people for goodness sakes. One good thing about that is at least McCain can stop criticizing Obama over his experience. He can also stop the too young thing too while he's at it.

6. McCain doesn't even know this broad. He's met her once.

One meeting and he thinks she'd be perfect to take over when his 72 year old ass keels over? Guess he thinks he's right as rain and or having another former beauty queen next to him was enough of a draw.

My former polar bear hating Republican parent would be falling all over himself over this one.

Clicky here for a reminder of that dude.


Make It Go Away

I'm in a foul mood.

I'm tired, I'm cranky, I feel like a freaking reproductive failure. Nothing has gone right the past couple months, we just keep getting shit on and I wish it could all go away.


RIP Elvis

Elvis is still The King.


Why Mass Makes Me Cry

Stephanie's post on TTC6+ made me think of how I always cry in church, always. Communion can do it, readings can do it, but mostly the songs do it. Certain songs I can hardly sing as much as I love them because they have a tendency to make me sob.

This can be pretty embarrassing, especially when it comes to school masses where I am sitting with my students. They always look at me strangely, like why is this woman crying over a song? A few years ago one of my parents would cry over one of the songs I did so at least I had a crying buddy.

So without further ado here are my top tearjerker hymns. I'll even include lyrics and Youtube videos so you can cry along with me. Bolded lyrics are the lyrics that have really touched me in my IF journey.

1. On Eagle's Wings
(Lyrics in video)

2. Be Not Afraid

You shall cross the barren desert,
but you shall not die of thirst.
You shall wander far in safety
though you do not know the way.
You shall speak your words in foreign lands
and all will understand.
You shall see the face of God and live.

Be not afraid.
I go before you always.
Come, follow me, and I will give you rest.

If you pass through raging waters in the sea,
you shall not drown.
If you walk amid the burning flames,
you shall not be harmed.
If you stand before the pow’r of hell
and death is at your side,
know that I am with you through it all.

Blessed are your poor,
for the kingdom shall be theirs.
Blest are you that weep and mourn,
for one day you shall laugh.

And if wicked tongues insult and hate you
all because of me,
blessed, blessed are you!

3. Here I Am , Lord

I, the Lord of sea and sky,
I have heard my people cry.
All who dwell in dark and sin
My hand will save.
I, who made the stars of night,
I will make their darkness bright.
Who will bear my light to them?
Whom shall I send?

Here I am, Lord.
Is it I, Lord?
I have heard you calling in the night.
I will go, Lord,
if you lead me.
I will hold your people in my heart.

I, the Lord of snow and rain,
I have borne my people’s pain.
I have wept for love of them.
They turn away.
I will break their hearts of stone,
Give them hearts for love alone.
I will speak my word to them.
Whom shall I send?

I, the Lord of wind and flame,
I will tend the poor and lame.
I will set a feast for them.
My hand will save.
Finest bread I will provide
Till their hearts be satisfied.
I will give my life to them.
Whom shall I send?

4. The Summons

Will you come and follow me
If I but call your name?
Will you go where you don’t know
And never be the same?
Will you let my love be shown,
Will you let my name be known,
Will you let my life be grown
In you and you in me?

Will you leave yourself behind
If I but call your name?
Will you care for cruel and kind
And never be the same?
Will you risk the hostile stare
Should your life attract or scare?
Will you let me answer prayer
In you and you in me?

Will you let the blinded see
If I but call your name?
Will you set the pris’ners free
And never be the same?
Will you kiss the leper clean,
And do such as this unseen,
And admit to what I mean
In you and you in me?

Will you love the ‘you’ you hide
If I but call your name?
Will you quell the fear inside
And never be the same?
Will you use the faith you’ve found
To reshape the world around,
Through my sight and touch and sound
In you and you in me?

Lord, your summons echoes true
When you but call my name.
Let me turn and follow you
And never be the same.
In your company I’ll go
Where your love and footsteps show.
Thus I’ll move and live and grow
In you and you in me.

5. You are Mine

I will come to you in the silence
I will lift you from all your fear
You will hear My voice
I claim you as My choice
Be still, and know I am near

I am hope for all who are hopeless
I am eyes for all who long to see
In the shadows of the night,
I will be your light
Come and rest in Me

Do not be afraid, I am with you
I have called you each by name
Come and follow Me
I will bring you home
I love you and you are mine

I am strength for all the despairing
Healing for the ones who dwell in shame
All the blind will see, the lame will all run free
And all will know My name


I am the Word that leads all to freedom
I am the peace the world cannot give
I will call your name, embracing all your pain
Stand up, now, walk, and live


6. Christ be our Light

(This choir kicks butt)

Longing for light, we wait in darkness.
Longing for truth, we turn to you.
Make us your own, your holy people,
light for the world to see.

Christ, be our light! Shine in our hearts.
Shine through the darkness.
Christ, be our light!
Shine in your church gathered today.

Longing for peace, our world is troubled.
Longing for hope, many despair.
Your word alone has pow’r to save us.
Make us your living voice.

Longing for food, many are hungry.
Longing for water, many still thirst.
Make us your bread, broken for others,
shared until all are fed.

Longing for shelter, many are homeless.
Longing for warmth, many are cold.
Make us your building, sheltering others,
walls made of living stone.

Many the gifts, many the people,
many the hearts that yearn to belong.
Let us be servants to one another,
making your kingdom come.


Have We Talked About the Husbands?

IF can be a ticket straight to divorce court if you aren't careful.

Yesterday, after therapy, Alex told me that he was upset because I was becoming the type of woman he always hated, a woman obsessed with having babies. He said that he was sad because I wasn't the Jennifer he fell in love with.

I just sat there as he was driving and cried.

I told him that I didn't like me either. I was upset that I was becoming this person and longed for the old me back.

I hate obsessing over babies but it's not something I can stop. I'm the one who has to chart, pee on sticks, take the pills, check my CM, temp every day, buy his supplement, stress over "symptoms", stare at the BFNs, wait for the bleeding to start, and figure out where, when and how we can get back into treatment. I'm carrying this all on my own and he's the one with the main issue.

There I said it.

I'm carrying the whole weight of this on my back when really it's not my issue. And because of it, I have become the depressed, changed person I wrote about in my last blog. Because of it, my husband doesn't know who I am anymore.

After we worked through some stuff last night I got to thinking about my girls on the TTC6+ board and about how a few of them are struggling in their marriages. Their husbands always seem to be holding them back somehow, some even sabotaging the process. We all carry it on our backs and the guys float along, seemingly uncaring.

I wish they would understand the maternal feelings most women get. We have a deep down urge to procreate and mother, and when we can't it just becomes worse. I never knew how strong that urge was, not until now.

So where do we go from here? We continue with therapy and I hope that my husband can learn to love me as I am right now and keep supporting me until we get to the other side. Because that's what we all hope for, the other side. I know it's out there and I know all of this will go away once we get there.

But I need help to get through.


The Infertile Lifestyle

This is not a lifestyle I would wish on anyone. Nor is it one I would choose for myself. It isn't glamorous, it isn't desired, it isn't happy.

This lifestyle includes many doctor visits, intimate moments with the dildo cam, pills and shots. It includes many nights crying yourself to sleep and feeling like a broken failure most every day. It includes depression. The worst kind of depression that is often hidden and debilitating. It includes the loss of friends because they don't understand why you are pulling away, why you are wanting to hide from the world. What could be so bad?

This lifestyle makes you bitter towards any large family, towards pregnant woman, towards the sight of a baby. Let me just tell you that the grocery store is akin to the 6th level of hell. Pregnant women happily rubbing their bellies and new babies EVERYWHERE. I can't even go down the baby aisle as a shortcut anymore. Alex knows we have to go around because it's just a whole row of reminders.

And all those reminders, they make you cry and those of us in the IF lifestyle will often find ourselves crying in the middle of the grocery store, or Target, or church; where ever we find a reminder.

One of my dear friends mentioned today how she cried in Church this weekend because of a large family with a new baby in the pew front of her. She's not alone. Another TTC6+ girl said she can hardly go to church anymore because she ends up in tears every time as she's surrounded by babies and small children. This would be something that at the beginning of your TTC/IF journey wouldn't have affected you but over time it gets worse and worse. Stacie is right, it does change you. The IF lifestyle changes you. It takes away the joy and brings the sadness.

Some people are lucky for the lifestyle doesn't seem to affect them as much or maybe they are just good at hiding it outwardly. Some seem impervious to it and are able to find the joy in things. I wish I could but some days it's virtually impossible.

I recently told Alex that I was depressed. He didn't seem to understand that I wasn't just "sad", this wasn't an, "Oh I'm so depressed because my favorite show isn't on", kind of thing. It is clinical depression. It's real and it's deep down. I think many of us in the lifestyle have it and I think many people in our lives don't realize to the extent we feel this hurt and hopelessness.

This is a lifestyle I hope all of my sisters can get out of because none of us deserve it, none of us want it, and it all can be cured by the arrival of one small wonderful thing.

And as an ironic punch to the gut, what did I see when I clicked on Blogger to write this blog but

Are you freaking kidding me? Even in trying to get our feelings out we are subjected to babies. So not cool.