A New Type of Birth Control?

I was reading a blog recently that centered around what pregnant women won't tell you, or what you don't know before becoming pregnant. It was pretty funny and truthful. I mean, I sure as hell had no idea about hamburger crotch or pooping on the table (I didn't do that for the record, I even asked). One would think that some of that stuff be good enough as birth control for the 16 and Pregnant set. I don't know about that. I propose we kick it up a notch and share the things you never knew about post partum, a dual layer birth control as it were.

1. Pregnancy Brain Gets Much, Much Worse

First of all I'd like to say that I planned on writing this blog post for about four months but I kept forgetting. Mommy Brain is no joke. I thought pregnancy brain was bad but it was nothing compared to the constant fog my brain resides in. Ask me what I did yesterday and you are likely to be greeted with a blank stare. I'm sure if I could actually remember anything I could tell you a funny anecdote. I could ask Alex to share one but he probably wouldn't be able to either. Mommy Brain is catching, you see.

2.Pooping Becomes a Religious Experience

And we aren't talking a good experience, we are talking about the "grip the sides of the toilet and hope for God to strike you dead" kind of religious experience. People always talk about the pooping on the table thing like it's some horrific thing and I say, forget that; the first one, two, three (even four) bowel movements are what is horrific. I swear I needed an epidural to push a teeny tiny crap past my stitches and no amount of Colace could help me.

3. Bald is the New Black

Around three months post-partum I noticed my drains starting to clog up regularly. I would wake up with my pillow, myself, and my child covered in hair. I'd have to clean out my brush weekly. Even though all signs were pointing to a hair exodus, I was in denial. It wasn't until I really examined my hairline in the mirror and saw that on either side of my temples it looked like I was actually and truly snatched bald headed. My once beautiful pregnancy hair was gone leaving me with a head reminiscent of a chemo patient. It is finally growing back in but now my head is covered with inch long wispy baby hairs. This whole hair situation makes a weave seem like not such a bad idea.

4. Are You There God? It's Me, Jennifer.

I've always been a small boobed girl. I was made fun of in junior high for being barely an A cup. It sucked. I longed for big boobs and if I could have added boobs to a Christmas or birthday list, I would have. Luckily, I grew into a small B in adulthood but I still longed for full, luscious Victoria Secret boobs. Imagine my extreme pleasure when I went to purchase a new bra during pregnancy and I had to buy a C cup. They just kept getting bigger and better. It was like winning the boob lottery. I mean seriously look at how fantastic they are in this pic!

That's all boob, no padded bra of old and taken a day short of Sebastian's one monthday. (Of course one could write another post on why I thought that would be a good outfit to wear to my son's baptism but whatevs. Thankfully I had him blocking my boobs the entire Mass)

Anyway, I could just cry looking at those fabulous things now because they are no longer. I'm still wearing my C cup bras but take the bra off and I have full on floppy National Geographic boobs. What happened?! I mean I had heard your boobs could shrink again but what the hell is this floppy boob thing? My boobs may have been small but dammit they were perky. I want those boobs back. I swear, God, I'll never be jealous of big ol' boobs again if these saggy things go away and my small perky ones return.

5. Sexy Time is no Longer Sexy

Why? It still freaking hurts. Yep 8.5 months later and I can probably count the times we've had sex on two hands, heck one and a half hands. Tears and breastfeeding do a number on the old sex drive and vagina. It's as if I had a permanent layer of sandpaper inserted after I pushed Sebastian out. Maybe that's what my midwife was doing so long down there. It doesn't help that we bedshare with a baby who is a poor sleeper. Just getting adult alone time is an act of congress. At least it is slowly getting better, but man, that was not expected.

So there you go, my five top "Things You Never Were Told About Post Pregnancy". If the prospect of pancake boobs, a dry vagina, bald patches, painful poops, and what was the other thing again? wasn't birth control for a teen (or anyone really) I don't know what else is.


Luke's mom said...

These had me cracking up laughing! I can also say that pooping after a c-section is also a very "moving" experience! I also never in a million years expected the act of passing gas to feel so good. Nor being so reliant on simethicone (aka Gas-X).

t.bird said...

the pooping thing- i still grip- almost 6 months later. effin ay.

(pst- i pooped on the table- heh)

and the boobs- after i weaned i also noticed this flat floppy-ness. i'm horrified!

and i'm pretty sure i'll be bald within the next few days- seriously.

and last but not least- once you're done bf'ing i PROMISE sex'll be less painful. once i stopped it was like some switch got flipped- BAM!

M~ said...

Funny and true all in one! These are the things I tell my 17 year old sister! No wonder she never wants to have kids lol

H and T said...

Can we mention postpartum hemmroids? Because those are from the seventh level of hell.

Then there are the "cat scratches" all over the abdomen. Thank you, genetics!

Hippy said...

OMG this is so funny. And so true! ALL OF IT! :)