Stick a Fork in Me

I'm done...

I'm done with all of this waiting, hoping, and planning. It does me no good and I'm just getting my heart broken over and over again.

I didn't get the answers I wanted or needed yesterday at therapy. Alex just recycled everything he feels is wrong in our relationship. We ended up focusing on his 18 year old son who has Aspergers and how he may come to live with us full time (not my choice). This subject is what made Alex blow up at me recently because I asked if helping support his son would put us off having a kid of our own. I didn't realize it was such an incendiary question.

Anyway the session ended poorly. I hoped after Alex cooled down, we might get to talk about the IVF issue. No go with that. It's like it's the elephant in the room. He knows I want to talk about, knows I want answers but won't give them to me.

Finally, while in bed, I brought up something we discussed at therapy (normally I won't do that because he wants to follow dr's orders) and how it upset me. It became a big ol' discussion (it wasn't really an arguement) about how he doesn't think we are ready for IVF. He said that he has no faith in me and that he thinks that all the work I've done (because he's perfect and doesn't have to work on anything) is going to go back to the way it was as soon as his daughter comes back. He also thinks things will go back when I go back to work. He also said, and this is the kicker, that he wants to ask her what she thinks about us having a kid.

What? What the fuck?

He told her years ago, after she made a statement about not wanting us to have kids, that it wasn't her decision. So why now, is he going back on that? I told him that that was absurd, that no one asks for their 17 year old child's permission to have a child. He thinks otherwise and says it's a special situation.

Special situation, my ass! You just want another excuse. And with that I spent another night crying myself to sleep. That's getting really old.

So even though he hasn't said it, I'm going to assume with this last conversation that we will not be going through IVF this September. So as of now I'm not going to hope for anything. I can't do it anymore. Even though I need something to look forward to so much right now, I just can't do it. We'll just keep on trying naturally and IVF will be put on the back burner of my mind.

This won't come to a fairytale ending if I don't.


emilythehopeless said...

sending lots of hugs


The Bailly Family said...

ugh, I am sorry dear... I wish I could help somehow.

Hopefully things will work out between you and Alex....

May T said...

There are no words that will help you feel better. I am so sorry that you have to go through this, hunny. I could say a lot of things that are mean about him, but it wont make anything better.

Please please know that I am here for you ANY TIME you need me. Call me and I will be there. I don't care if you need to scream or yell at me... I'm here. I can understand and be someone close by who knows (to some extent) how it feels, someone who can relate, and someone who wont judge. I'm just a call away.
I pray every day for you..and it breaks my heart that my friend is sad. I wish I could take it away...I would in a second.
Call me anytime, love.

Serendipite said...

I have no words... just hugs. :(

Maria Luisa said...

I'm so sorry. It all seems so unfair.

I was praying that you would get some peace. I'm sorry that it's so hard.

You are an amazing, intelligent, beautiful person, and you definitely deserve better than this. You and your DH remain in my prayers.


Trevor's Bride said...

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. ::::Lots of hugs:::

Nikki1007 said...

Oh Chrys, I am so sorry you are going through this. I know there are no words that can make you feel better so {{hugs}]

jessica said...

I'm sending you tons of hugs. I'm so sorry you are going through this.