Demotivator of the Week

I think many of us married ladies can relate to this one. I mean, really...how hard is it?

Out Damn Spot

I keep having dreams with my ex-husband in them and I have no clue why. Obviously they are trying to tell me something, but what, I don't know. I know that I have a lot of unresolved feelings about the store which is why I dream about it a lot (like last night) but some of the other stuff in there is so bizarre.

I suppose I miss some aspects of our relationship. He was a very artistic, outgoing person, very much my personality. He had a lot of friends and was totally comfortable being in a room of actors (something Alex abhors) even performing in some. We had a hell of a lot of fun.

What I don't miss was the lack of goals, the fact he was a coddled mamma's boy, the crappy sex, and most of all the alcohol abuse which destroyed everything. So why doesn't the negative drive these dreams away? Why must I keep having them?

Ugh they need to stop.

I'm a Yo-Yo

Oh yes, I am.

I don't know what thinking Alex did in his sleep the other night or at work yesterday but it seems like he's thinking outside of his ass now. He said he looked at things from a a different angle and we are going to revisit the IVF issue at our next appointment.

I also asked him what would happen if his daughter said she wasn't happy with us having a kid, would we stop trying? He said that no she would in no way make the decision for us, he just wanted to include her in what we were doing.

I also made it very clear that *if* we started the IVF process, from BCP on, he was not to cancel on me. That there would be no turning back and he agreed.

Anyway, I'm not holding my breath at this moment. We'll see on Friday morning whether I get to call the RE or not. I'm just glad he took a look at the situation from all points of view.

Keep the prayers coming ladies. Maybe it worked.

Stick a Fork in Me

I'm done...

I'm done with all of this waiting, hoping, and planning. It does me no good and I'm just getting my heart broken over and over again.

I didn't get the answers I wanted or needed yesterday at therapy. Alex just recycled everything he feels is wrong in our relationship. We ended up focusing on his 18 year old son who has Aspergers and how he may come to live with us full time (not my choice). This subject is what made Alex blow up at me recently because I asked if helping support his son would put us off having a kid of our own. I didn't realize it was such an incendiary question.

Anyway the session ended poorly. I hoped after Alex cooled down, we might get to talk about the IVF issue. No go with that. It's like it's the elephant in the room. He knows I want to talk about, knows I want answers but won't give them to me.

Finally, while in bed, I brought up something we discussed at therapy (normally I won't do that because he wants to follow dr's orders) and how it upset me. It became a big ol' discussion (it wasn't really an arguement) about how he doesn't think we are ready for IVF. He said that he has no faith in me and that he thinks that all the work I've done (because he's perfect and doesn't have to work on anything) is going to go back to the way it was as soon as his daughter comes back. He also thinks things will go back when I go back to work. He also said, and this is the kicker, that he wants to ask her what she thinks about us having a kid.

What? What the fuck?

He told her years ago, after she made a statement about not wanting us to have kids, that it wasn't her decision. So why now, is he going back on that? I told him that that was absurd, that no one asks for their 17 year old child's permission to have a child. He thinks otherwise and says it's a special situation.

Special situation, my ass! You just want another excuse. And with that I spent another night crying myself to sleep. That's getting really old.

So even though he hasn't said it, I'm going to assume with this last conversation that we will not be going through IVF this September. So as of now I'm not going to hope for anything. I can't do it anymore. Even though I need something to look forward to so much right now, I just can't do it. We'll just keep on trying naturally and IVF will be put on the back burner of my mind.

This won't come to a fairytale ending if I don't.

Like Sands Through an Hourglass

Last night's sadness continued further into the evening. I had cried for everyone else earlier in the night and ended up crying for myself when I was trying to fall asleep. Alex, of course was oblivious to my tears as he always is, sleeping away as I cry my eyes out.

I hate that. It makes me cry all the more because I start to get pissed off.

You are part of the reason I'm crying buddy and you can't even wake up and aknowledge that.

And time continues to slip away. I'm starting to freak out again, freak out that Septemeber won't be our month either. I had to call my clinic yesterday to take care of a bill and I asked the finance person if we'd have to make an appointment with her to go over IVF stuff. She said yes. So before we get this IVF show on the road I'm assuming we'd have to meet with:

1.) RE
2.) IVF coordinator
3.) Financial/insurance coordinator
4.) God knows who else

I also was told that if we waited too long I'd have to redo bloodwork so I have until November for that. She wanted to know if I wanted to make an appointment over the phone and I told her I couldn't just yet. Again everything has to be held off until the last minute and it's stressing me out beyond belief. It shouldn't be that way.

Yet Alex is blissfully unaware of all of it. We have therapy tomorrow and we'll see if I can get a straight answer from him. Things are going really well between us, shouldn't he give me a chance?

I hate this.

Why?

Today has been a very difficult day for so many of my internet sisters.

This is a big pile of suckage for so many of us. The despair and hopelessness my friends have felt today, as well as my own craptastic feelings, makes me cry.

Why can't things be easy? They are all such wonderful people, with so much to offer. We would all be wonderful mothers and we are being robbed of that. I see so many unfit mothers around and it just seems so unfair.

So I ask why? Why me? Why any of us? When will it be our turn? Will we ever get one?

Can I Get an Amen?

I was watching CNN and just saw a news blurb and clip on Barack Obama's speech in St.Louis yesterday. He commented on parental responsibility and how it's up to parents to help with homework, take the remote away and not buy the video games. I tried to find a video clip of that segment but couldn't find one. I was able to find a tiny blurb being reported in newspapers.

From the St. Louis Post Dispatch

Obama called on parents to take on their proper roles. "Only we in the home can teach our daughters to never allow images on television to tell them what they're worth,'' he said. "Only we as parents can make sure that when our sons grow up, that they treat women with respect and understand that when they have the ability to have a child, they must have the courage to raise a child."

I love that. I've also read speeches where he talks about not placing the blame on teachers and I appreciate that. So often I have had parents place the blame of their piss poor parenting on me. It's not my job to teach your child to behave and I shouldn't have to put up with your child's constant horrible behavior in my classroom, behavior that takes away valuable learning time away from the rest of my students. Freaking be a parent and stop it.

Anyway I like that he appears to be someone who supports teachers and what they do. We don't have that enough.

In Honor of Independence Day

Big Sur is Burning

It's been burning since the 21st of June. Big Sur is one of my favorite places. I've hiked there, camped there, swam in the river there, danced on the mountain tops there, and have wonderful memories of my family there. DH and I took his mom and dad there a few months before his dad died. Nepenthe, although a building and business, is a big part of my life and memories and the thought of it burning down to the ground kills me.

Fire Unexpectedly Worsens; Big Sur Is Ordered to Evacuate
By JESSE McKINLEY

BIG SUR, Calif. — Facing a stubborn fire, California officials ordered the evacuation of Big Sur on Wednesday as flames flared on nearby mountaintops and moved steadily toward this coastal retreat.

Firefighters have been attacking a fire near Big Sur for 11 days and had been helped in recent days by fog, moist conditions and lighter winds. Seventeen homes have been lost here — more than half the total destroyed statewide from the first major wildfires of the season — but many residents had been allowed to remain as the fire stayed to the east and south.

But overnight Tuesday the fire unexpectedly intensified, prompting mandatory evacuations of residents on both sides of Highway 1, the scenic coastal byway that runs through the Big Sur valley.

“It’s tough to move out of your home; we understand that,” said Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, who visited the town with federal emergency officials on Wednesday, “but do it.”

Yellow smoke and ash mixed in the air as a procession of possession-laden cars, trucks and vans streamed north out of town. Horses, goats, cats and dogs were also being trucked out by animal welfare workers, as helicopters ferried back and forth to the ocean, drawing out water to dump on smoldering hillsides east of town.

One of those evacuating was Erica Sanborn, 28, who was living with her husband and their dog in a hotel in Big Sur, having already been forced out of their home, farther south on the coast.

“I’m kind of numb,” said Ms. Sanborn, an emergency room nurse who awoke to an evacuation order after a night shift. “I would never think that Big Sur could burn.”

Statewide, more than 19,000 firefighters and other workers have been fighting fires since June 20, when a line of storms and lightning sparked hundreds of blazes across the northern and central parts of the state. The blaze near Big Sur — known as the Basin Complex — is just one of some 1,100 confirmed fires on federal and state lands in California, according to CalFire, the state fire agency, though exact figures were hard to confirm. Hundreds of others have been contained or put out.

Costs were also rising. State officials have spent more than $50 million on the current fires, according to CalFire. On Tuesday, Mr. Schwarzenegger had ordered around 200 National Guard troops to provide ground support to firefighters.

The major culprit in the blazes is a persistent drought that has made for volatile fire conditions. Steep terrain was also complicating firefighting efforts. Tina Rose, a spokeswoman for the fire operation, said that about 20 miles of Highway 1 along the coast were closed, shutting down access to famous — and currently shuttered — resorts like the Ventana Inn and the Post Ranch.

One local celebrity, the Beach Boys’ guitarist Al Jardine, said he had loaded up a trailer with musical equipment on Monday night, and was hoping to hold out before the evacuation order came.

“It’s depressing,” Mr. Jardine said. “People are walking around like zombies.”

So many articles I could post...

As fire nears Big Sur, residents and beasts flee

July 3, 2008

BIG SUR, Calif. (AP) — Piles of charred rubble smoldered near California's scenic coastal highway Thursday as a ferocious wildfire descended on the storied tourist town of Big Sur, destroying vacation homes and sending forest creatures running toward the sea for cover.
The stubborn blaze, which has burned more than 100 square miles in the Los Padres National Forest, was just one of hundreds raging around the state. And officials on Thursday reported California's first firefighter death this year — a volunteer who collapsed on the fire line in Mendocino County.

So much forest has burned near Big Sur that animals have been forced out of their habitat and onto the roads. Buzzards flew overhead to snatch up dead rodents and squirrels, and residents reported seeing bear, deer and other big animals migrating toward the Pacific Ocean.

Meanwhile, crews near the Pacific Coast Highway fought back flames from homes and historic landmarks, including the upscale Ventana Inn, which was surrounded by crackling, burning brush.

Several homes perched on a ridge about a quarter-mile from the cliffside inn fell victim to the fire the night before.

At least 20 homes have been destroyed in the area since the blaze broke out June 21, up from 17 homes counted Wednesday. The fire was only 5% contained by Thursday evening.

Many Big Sur residents followed mandatory evacuation orders issued this week, but some chose to defy the orders, staying behind to try to save their homes and businesses.

Kirk Gafill, general manager of Nepenthe, said he and five employees were up all night trying to protect the cliffside restaurant his grandparents built in 1949. Wearing dust masks, the crew scrambled to stamp out embers, some the size of dinner plates, that were dropping from the sky, he said.

"We know fire officials don't have the manpower to secure our properties," Gafill said. "There are a lot of people in this community not following evacuation orders. Based on what we saw during Katrina and other disasters, we know we can only rely on ourselves and our neighbors."

Greg Ambrosio, who lives next to Nepenthe, signed a waiver Wednesday night to stay in his house. But his plans to stay were disrupted when he was awoken by a neighbor in the middle of the night who warned of the approaching inferno.

"Then there's a knock on the door, and we go outside and the fire had just expanded. It was Armageddon," he said. "Just yellow smoke and ash mixed with fire. It was just raining down."

Ambrosio said he and his wife grabbed their cat and drove to a relative's house for the night.

A total of 367 wildfires are burning in the state, most ignited by lightning, according to the California Department of Forestry and Fire Protection, known as Cal Fire, and the U.S. Forest Service. That figure is down from a peak of roughly 1,500 fires just a few days ago.

In all, the wildfires have scorched more than 790 square miles and destroyed at least 65 structures across northern and central California since June 20, according to Cal Fire.

With firefighting resources stretched thin early in the fire season, counties have been recruiting volunteer firefighters to help with smaller blazes.

On Thursday, volunteer firefighter Robert Roland, 63, died in a Mendocino County hospital after collapsing a day earlier while battling lightning-sparked blazes in the area, north of the San Francisco Bay region. It was the first reported death of a firefighter this season, and the governor ordered flags at the Capitol to fly at half-staff.

Crews made progress at a separate wildfire burning nearly 130 square miles southeast of Big Sur. The blaze, also in Los Padres National Forest, was about 95% contained Thursday.

The Importance of Wall-E

I've been thinking about this movie quite a bit today, and like I do when I really enjoy a movie, I go over to IMDB and Yahoo movies to read the message boards and reviews. Some of the Yahoo user reviews piss me off to no end. Reviews such as these:

Commercials and trailer were deceiving - fun movie about cute robots was what I expected.

What I got was a sad commentary on the state of the world, how humankind trashes the planet to the point of inhabitation, then we leave robots to clean it up while we float away on a space cruiser - fat blobs floating on hovering chairs. We destroyed our planet and we haven't changed our behaviors. Yeah great family fun for you and your kids.

My personal favorite:

THIS MOVIE IS AWFUL!! IT IS A COMMERCIAL FOR THE LIBERAL LEFT. IF YOU ARE A COMMUNIST/SOCIALIST BASTARD THAN THIS MOVIE IS FOR YOU!!

OTHERS-DONT WASTE A MINUTE OF YOUR LIFE WATCHING THIS TRIPE--BETTER OFF PLAYING WITH YOURSELF THAN SEEING THIS!!

Or this review entitled "Are We in the USA or USSR"

Can't I see one movie without socialist propaganda? More EVIL Corporations destroy the earth with pollution *sigh*. Can we have some new material out of Hollywood please? It's bad enough there is not one word of dialogue until halfway through this very loooong movie. I am not exaggerating---not one word. Don't take kids too this thinking they will captivated. They will be boared for most of it. A couple of funny parts (already seen in the previews) is about all you get. Slightly cute at times but it just isn't a good PIXAR movie. Flop. Only gullable parents with whining kids should be dupped into seeing this. My advice---wait for the rental.

Or this one...

... by the rave reviews from the critics. This is a dark, depressing, unentertaining eco-lecture, which basically informs us all that the way we live our lives will lead to the destruction of the Earth. Don't make the mistake of paying to be lectured to like this, sheesh, they should pay US for having to sit through this dismal stuff.

That's the point! The thing is we could end up like that. We are obsessed with consumerism, we are using up or destroying our natural resources. We are becoming more and more lazy as individuals. That is fact but I guess people don't want to be reminded of that and choose to keep the blinders on.

Now of course everyone is entitled to their opinion, but I can't understand why people would be so downright offended by the movie's green message? Don't they want their children to value earth? Don't they want to pass on the idea of stewardship of the earth? Do they feel overconsumerism and gluttony is a good thing? I sure don't and I since I have no children of my own, I try to instill the importance of environmentalism and social responsibility in all of my students. But what do I know, I'm a tree hugging, bleeding heart liberal.

These dimwits remind me so much of that parent two years ago who freaked out over me showing my class An Inconvenient Truth. Click here for that gem.

Perhaps they are also overlooking the messages of finding love and finding purpose in the movie.

Messages aside, if you haven't seen the movie I recommend checking out one of the clips on Disney's Wall-E Website. First click on videos, then scroll through the different videos on the left and click on "Day at Work". The mastery of the animation during this segment, and throughout the whole movie, is jaw dropping and just plain beautiful. It's hard to believe that this is actually animated and not live action.

A Trip to the Happiest Place on Earth (including GoG action)

I'm back from Disneyland and we survived. Alex even sort of liked it, I think, and that in and of itself is a miracle. He did say that he wouldn't be heartbroken if he never went back but that's a far cry from what he used to say, which was, "I'll never go to that hell hole. I hate Disney". He said he would even consider going back with both kids this summer. Uhhh I don't think it would be the "happiest place on earth" then, but, whatever.

Our friend Heather, who we met for dinner the night we got in, told Alex he had to get a First Timer button. For some reason he listens to her, so I was able to get a picture of him in front of the Walt statue wearing his button. He took it off right away.




He decided his favorite rides were Indiana Jones, Space Mountain (my favorite ride on the planet), The Haunted Mansion (another fave), and Splash Mountain.

Here's my friend Alicia and I after getting off Splash Mountain. It's kind of hard to tell in the small pic but my whole backside was wet. Alicia was so wet she was leaving puddles. That dark spot on the ground was her first puddle.



Did I mention how much I hate water rides? I'll go on that one once each trip but that's only because I have great memories of Song of the South.

Trying to dry off we walked around a bit and went into some of the stores. I convinced Alex to try on some mouse ears and took a picture. He really does hate having his picture taken but this picture was all an act.



He took a picture of me with a Peter Pan hat thinking it was Robin Hood. Umm see the Peter Pan on there honey? He really doesn't know his Disney.



I ended up buying mouse ears, not that I don't have any but just because I actually found a pair that fit my tiny head.

Disney CM: Uh you know you got infant size right?
Me: Yes, I meant to. It actually fits.

So yep I'm a freak who has to wear baby hats. Can't have them but I can wear their stuff.

I am sad Alicia is moving to the Ukraine for two years in a couple weeks. My friends are all moving away and that sucks so bad.



All in all it was an awesome day. We must have had great ride juju on Sunday because we were able to almost walk on every single ride *and* get into the front. That didn't work so well with Space Mountain though. Alex is 6'4 so the wind sheer in front sucked for him and made him cry. Well, it made his eyes tear and it just looked like he was crying.

Alex could also spin the teacups like a trophey. My friends couldn't even watch us on the ride because they thought they were going to hurl just from the site of it.

The only ride that sucked for us that day was the newish Nemo submarine ride. The ride itself wasn't bad (it was better than the old submarine ride) but the line was comparable to a vacation in hell. Standing in line for an hour in the blazing sun was such a bad idea. I seriously thought I was going to pass out.

We ended the day by watching the fireworks and then hauling ass to watch Fantasmic. We didn't make it through all of that because Alex and I didn't want to miss our hotel shuttle and Fantasmic was uber dull after the fireworks anyway.

Speaking of fireworks. Oh my Lord! I want to know how much Disney shells out for the pyro and lighting every night. This current show is insane! Not only did they set off fireworks like normal but they lit them up all around you and also lit the castle in new kick ass ways with gobos. They also set off fire balls from the castle. It was crazy and freaking amazing. The Haunted Mansion section was my favorite. Anyway you look at it, 4th of July fireworks are destroyed forever for me. I might as well not ever bother to go see them, because, why?

Here's a video I found on YouTube of the show. The video doesn't even do the show total justice but you can get an idea.

The next day we went to California Adventure. Well actually, Alex and I got up at the crack again so we could get into Disneyland and ride some favorites before CA opened. We hauled butt and rode Indy, Haunted Mansion, the Buzz ride, and Space Mountain in one hour. Oh yes, we rock. We then hauled ass to get a coffee at the end of Downtown Disney and hauled ass back to CA. We were going to try to fight the mobs waiting for the rope drop to get in line for the new Toy Story Midway Mania ride that opened up not even a week before.



That ride was so awesome. It's 3-D and you basically are playing five different carnival games such as a dart throw at balloons, egg toss at ducks and farm animals, ring toss at aliens and rockets, ball toss at plates, and sticky darts at bullseyes. Because it's 3-D things fly at you and air is shot at you. We ended up braving the lines and riding it twice because it was so kick ass.

There's also a big, talking Mr. Potato Head who is in the queue. He talks and interacts with the crowd. He asked Alicia where the top of her hat was because she was wearing a visor. It was so funny. His arms and eyes move around and supposedly he takes off his ear but I never saw him do that.



Once again Tower of Terror ruled in my book. I just wish I was able to ride it more than twice on this trip. Last time I think Bethia and I rode it around 5 times.

One more pic of Alex and I in the "Monterey" section. This building actually represents a real building in Monterey. However, instead of sardine cans and such they need to litter the buildings with cheesy Cannery Row sweatshirts and key chains if they really want it to be authentic. *barf* The best thing was Alex leaning over the "wharf" and making elephant seal sounds. People actually ran over to see the seals that weren't really there. I almost died! You see it just isn't the Monterey Fisherman's Wharf without the seals.



We ended the evening at the parks with the Main Street Electrical Parade. I freaking love that parade and I'm not a parade person. Usually I think they are pretty lame.

Side antidote about parades:

Me (walking through California Adventure's San Francisco Area): Where are the
rainbow flags? Where are my gays at?
Me (during the parade): Oh yes, there
they are.

And before people get all snippy, I have many gay friends,
some who have actually been performers in the parades. LOL

The Main Street Electrical Parade, however, is the best because it sums up all my childhood love of Disneyland. I had all the Disney records as a kid and would listen to them constantly. My favorites were Alice in Wonderland and my Disneyland record. I'd choreograph dances to the Main Street Electrical Parade soundtrack all the time and I'm sure I drove my mother nuts.







Now most people would have ended their day right there but nooooooo we had to be idiots and go see a 10 :45 movie because what would be better than seeing a Disney movie at a Disney theatre right? Luckily, it was amazing and we stayed awake the whole time.



I urge everyone to go see Wall-E. That little robot broke my heart (I'm not even joking) but it was such a wonderful movie. Pixar really outdid themselves. It takes major talent to bring some life to something like a robot and to give him such heart and character. The emotions he portrayed just using his "eyes" and the few words he spoke was astounding. Pixar also gets props for making the audience feel for a one eyed cockroach. If this movie doesn't win awards I'll eat my mouse ears.

So that was our Disneyland trip in uber condensed form. Of course I'm leaving what all my TTC6+ girls have been waiting for, for last. See, made you look!

I will tell you that I took one for the team. I endured ridicule and feeling/looking like a dork to bring you:

Ignore my "OMG I want to die" face. Just know I did it because I love you all.

And I want you all to pay special, close attention to my shirt. Yes PMarie, you got the left boob. I should add that Ariel was very nice. When I expressed my feelings of silliness for being an adult wanting a pic she said, "Well I'm glad you visited me".

I ended my trip with a breakfast with Staycee (Stacie) before we left to drive back home. What a great girl she is. Of course, I could tell that just from talking to her on the phone the night before. We obviously didn't have enough time because we talked constantly for 2 1/2 hours. I'm afraid I made her late for work. It's just too bad she doesn't live closer because I could see us being good friends.


P.S I want her hair.

P.P.S Here's the actual graphic I ironed onto the shirt. My appologies to my friends who are not on the shirt. It was hard to track people down to get pics. So know if your image is not on the shirt I still carried you with me. Cheesy, but true.

It Happened For Me, it Can Happen For You Too

Why do people do this?

Lately it's been happening pretty often on TTC6+. People happily march over to our board to tell us to chin up, or to have hope. "It took my husband and me 10 months to get pregnant. I know what it's like to think it's never going to happen", or "Anyone want a CBEFM? I used it and got pregnant right away. Maybe it'll help one of you".

Excuse me but.... *Gag*

Now I know in their minds they are being helpful, and that it's coming from the kindest place possible, but OMG does it upset me.

Really, you tried for 10 months and you know what it feels like to be me? Really? 10 months seems a long time ago already. She even mentioned a m/c and I don't even have that to claim.

Not that I would want to go through that, not at all. I've seen my Nest friends hurt like no other over it, but part of me deep down says to myself that if I did have that happen at least I personally would know that I *could* get pregnant. Right now, I don't know that. All I know is my body has never even attempted a baby. I'm 36 years old and I haven't even had a scare. So no lady, you don't really know what it's like to think it's never going to happen. Just like I don't know what it's like to be some of my very dear friends who have struggled for much longer than I.

Many women talk about how things will be when they get pregnant, they can imagine themselves with a baby belly. I've realized recently that I can't anymore. It's scary, but I can't. It's like this unobtainable goal that I can't picture myself reaching. My mother of course would say I was giving up. I don't know what I would call it.

So when people say it happened for them and that it could happen for me too, I just don't believe them. I want to laugh in their faces. I want to ask them (while shaking them) "How do you know that?" Because they don't. They don't know that. And no amount of CBEFM's or pep talks will clear up the mystery as to whether I'll be a mother or not.

Demotivator of the Week

The Robert Downey Jr of Cookies

I love The Daily Show and The Colbert Report and I've always been a huge Sesame Street fan from toddlerhood so I especially loved Thursday's episode of The Colbert Report.

"I Feel Like You are Just Giving Up"

Sometimes I just want to pummel my mother. Today was one of those days.

I called her and the conversation was going fine but then she brings up the topic of our IF procedures.

"You need to work on Alex so you can get on with your 'project'" - She calls us going through IVF and getting knocked up "our project".

So I tell her that it's not about me "working on him", that that wouldn't solve anything. She knows we are going through therapy and I tell her that we just have to keep on working with the therapist.

She just doesn't get it and starts whining about how she feels like I'm giving up. At this point I'm getting pissed. "How am I giving up? I can't force him to impregnate me and that wouldn't work anyway".

"I know", she says. "I just get so sad seeing all these things I've saved over the years. It's like I bought them for nothing".

Oh.my.God.

She was lucky I didn't come over and murder her for that comment. Instead I just yelled over the phone.

"Sad, you want to talk to me about sad? You being sad over having baby stuff you've saved for a decade is nothing like what I am going through. I have stuff saved too if you want to get into that. I don't want to cry every day over this, and your comments are not helping."

I don't understand her some times. It's as if she thinks I can just talk to Alex and snap some sense into him. If I just cleaned the house and became superwife, he'd change his mind and knock me up immediately. It doesn't freaking work that way. He's like me. The more you push, the further he backs away.

Am I mad he did this to me? Yes. Am I upset that I seem to be the one giving up everything and he's just sitting back calling the shots? Hell, yes. But my mom telling me that, "He promised you before you got married that you'd have a baby and now he's going back on his promise", doesn't help.

Her telling me if we broke up, I could find someone else to father my children, doesn't help. (Like it's that freaking easy at my age anyway- Hmmm I think I'll go shopping for a new husband today)

But I haven't given up. I can't give up. If I give up on my dream of motherhood, I die.

Clomid the "Magic" Pill

The lengths women go to get on Clomid is redamndiculous.

I am so tired of seeing the stupid chicks on the Nest boards whine and cry about how they want twins, or how they've been trying for three long months and need to get on Clomid right away. Girls "Ashley" their way into getting it, crying to their doctors and would you believe some doctors actually give it to them? Some OBs dispense it like it is candy.

It is not fun people!! It is a harsh, nasty drug that I would never wish anyone to take, seriously.

So today we have a prime example of Clomid douchbaggery:

Did I have the big O?

From: VioletFemmeOC

Date: 6/20/2008 at 11:17 AMStupid question here since I know not to focus too much on one temp...

I took 200mg clomid this month (pharmacy _fucked up, supposed to be only 150) and my temp jumped way high this morning. Take a look...
http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/1a9ea6


Clomid taken earlier make you o earlier right? I took it days 2-6.

So we call her on it. I and others tell her that it was incredibly stupid for her to take so much against doctors orders and that she can't play the "I didn't know card" because Clomid only comes in 50mg pills and 150mg = 3 pills. So then she comes up with this excuse.

From: VioletFemmeOC

Date: 6/20/2008 at 2:24 PM

Yeah I was stupid for taking the wrong dosage but I called my doctor after the second day of taking 200mg and he told me to continue. I took the last dose on Monday night and haven't had any pain thank God but yeah, that was dumb of me.

Hell yes, it was dumb, not to mention her doctor okayed it? WTF? What a fucking quack. No doctor worth his/her salt would okay someone to keep taking 200mg of Clomid like that. I mean I took 150mg and I was terribly overstimmed. I can't even imagine what 200mg would do to my body.

I tell her that she needs a new doctor stat and she responds:

From: VioletFemmeOC

Date: 6/20/2008 at 4:21 PM

Sorry ladies, I had to run to Ralph's. I've been thinking for quite some time to switch doctors, maybe this is the time to do it.

Again...duh!

People like that make me want to scream. Oh well, it's not my ovaries.

Mother Nature is a Bitch

as are arsonists...

What the hell is going on with the world lately? Earthquakes, tsunamis, fires, floods, and more fires. You think God is trying to tell us something?

It is so hot today that I'm melting and that rarely happens. I fear for our Disneyland trip next weekend. Alex is going to die and take me with him.

Adding insult to heat injury there is yet another fire in Santa Cruz. This one apparently cause my an asshole arsonist. Why the fuck would you do something like that? Why? And on a day that is as hot as it is today. The fire is right on the coast and besides being able to see the smoke plume from my driveway , I can smell it.

They need to find the dude who started it and drop him into it by the military copters that are circling over our housing right now.

BREAKING NEWS: Fires lines Highway 1 from Mar Monte to Airport Boulevard

Sentinel Staff Report
Santa Cruz Sentinel
Article Launched:06/20/2008 02:27:30 PM PDT

SOUTH COUNTY - In what may have been a blaze started intentionally by a motorist heading north on Highway 1, fire broke out from the Airport Boulevard exit all the way to Mar Monte Avenue just before 2 p.m.

According to emergency dispatchers, callers reported a motorist set spot fires at four or five areas along the freeway about 20 feet apart, which quickly spread. At 2:15 p.m., residents at 134 Trabing Road called to say fire surrounded their house and they were trapped inside.

Paul Van Gerwen, the Cal Fire spokesman, said the fire has burned about 100 acres and is moving north, northeast.

"Structures are imminent," Van Gerwen said.

Cal Fire called in numerous air and ground support, Van Gerwen said.

Stretches of Highway 1 from the junction of Highway 152 to five miles north of that. The highway is gridlocked due to the fire and offramp closures.

Dispatchers at 3:15 p.m. said there may be children trapped on the rood of a house on the 800 block of Buena Vista Drive. Firefighters were responding to the area.

Firefighters have been evacuating a host of roads on the north side of Highway 1 in South County. At 3:20 p.m. emergency dispatchers said there would be mandatory evacuations on the north side of the freeway from Airport Boulevard to Freedom Boulevard inland to Highway 1 as well as both sides of Calabasas Road.

Just before 4 p.m. fire cross Buena Vista and Larkin Valley and was headed toward the airport and was headed toward the neighborhood near that neighborhood and Manfre Road. Multiple spot fires were reported in that area also.

People were being evacuated to Aptos High School. An ambulance was called to the staging area at Trabing Road and Buena Vista Drive for a person suffering from smoke inhalation and chest pain.

Firefighters said fire was burning along both sides of the 400 block of Trabing Road, which is just off the Buena Vista exit of Highway 1, running parallel to the freeway.

Officials were evacuating Larkin Valley Road to Buena Vista and Trabing Road. At 2:45 p.m., emergency crews were calling residents on Larkin Valley Road and Larkin Vista Lane on the north side of Highway 1, ordering them to evacuate. When asked if they were mandatory evacuations, a dispatcher said "Yes, they are on fire."

Reverse 911 calls were made to residents along Mar Monte to Buena Vista to Larkin Valley Road. Fire is blocking the road at 320 Larkin Valley Road about 3:10 p.m. Officials were beginning to evacuate Old Adobe Road at 3:10 p.m.

At about 3 p.m., the CHP was shutting down Highway 1 at the exits for Highway 129, Freedom Boulevard, Airport Boulevard and Buena Vista Avenue, according to emergency dispatchers.

Huge plumes of gray smoke could be seen from all over the county as the fire raged on the north side of the freeway.

Firefighters could be heard over emergency channels saying they were implementing "bump and run" techniques and structures were down. Some structures were going up in flames and fire fighters were hoping to get help in to save some of them along Larkin Valley.

Jim Graham, who drove through Larkin Valley, said the fire is moving through the tops of the eucalyptus trees. He said people are evacuating animals with trailers.

"They are packing animals into trailers and some people are walking their animals down the road," Graham said.

Serafin Villanueva, who lives on the 600 block of Larkin Valley Road, said "I can see a lot of smoke. I can see some flames. My sister's friend's dad told me the fire jumped the road and I had to get out. I took precautions. I grabbed everything I could."

Just after 3 p.m. emergency dispatchers warned firefighters to evacuate themselves first if they felt they were in danger of the fast-moving fire.

Officials had no estimate of the acreage of the fire and all available units on scene, at one point leaving the city of Watsonville without coverage.

Fire units were en route from Santa Clara County at 3:20 p.m. to help fight the fire.

Norman Black, who was driving along Buena Vista Road and spotted some fires along the road, said he and a county worker tried to put them out.

"It just went woof. It just went crazy, the wind started to blow."

Natalie Batad and her sister Felicia Trujillo who live near the intersection of Buena Vista and Larkin Valley, were waiting for her with their dog Toby with bags of clothing.

Sentinel photographer Shmuel Thaler said "It's crazy."

"The Boring Room of the World"

I was thinking about this SNL skit last night and how much I always loved seeing it. Oh and I didn't resemble Judy Miller at all ;) Not at all.

Click on the pic for the video and make sure you pause my blog music.

Tit for Tat

Since I can't seem to get knocked up I might as well do something I can't do while knocked up, right?

I've been thinking about getting another tat for years. Alex even got me a gift certificate for Christmas two years ago and I have yet to use it. I had wanted white stars for ever so long but now I'm vacillating between the stars on the inside of my wrist or another bird, this time with cherry blossoms (again in white) on my shoulder blade (I think).


Star design idea


Sparrow and cherry blossom design idea


Or maybe just a sparrow design


What do you all think?

So I Have This Idea

I was looking through my old "blog", or journal, on Livejournal tonight and thinking it was a shame I won't have all of my blog entries in one place, especially the good ones. Would that just be crazy insane to back date all of them and include them in this blog?

Or I could have a "vintage" post of the week.

Decisions, decisions.

"Bruises Fade but the Pain Remains the Same"

I can't sleep so I decided to brain dump, I need to right now...



So here it is, another Non-existent father's day. Do they make Hallmark cards for that? I do admit I've looked for "thank you mom for being everything cards".

This has always been one of my most, if not *the* most, dreaded days.

This is the day where countless children spend time with their daddies who hug them and kiss them and tell them they love them. I never was one of those children. I never had a real daddy. I feared my father, dreading having to spend time with him, never knowing if I would be lied to or hurt emotionally or physically.

I think back on how far I have come from the angry and afraid young girl to the woman I am today. No longer does my throat clench when I talk about him, no longer does the anger course through my veins. The hurt, though lessened, is still there. The tears still manage to sneak out from time to time.

I do wish it would go away, that he wouldn't affect me anymore but that is a tall task. It's there, just under the surface, lurking in the shadows.

It'll show during therapy, most especially when I was hypnotized several years back (Hello, I never want to "live" through being 6 again!).

It'll show through at weddings during father/daughter dances where I will clear a room as if it was on fire, though never fast enough to stop the tears from flowing.

It'll show when I see a daddy with his little girl, being gentle and sweet with her.

It shows through when Alex and Bethia joke around and share a moment just for them. I get jealous because once again I feel left out.

In 2005 my "father" contacted me. He found my email through a web search and wrote:

found you on the internet- what a great site! Hope you are well and happy - As an adult put aside the past - We have all made mistakes - if you want no
further communications, in your answer just say NO. Daddy

For the first time in my life I really stood up to him. I wrote back everything I had been meaning to say for years, being very careful to not bring my mother and what he had done to her into the equation.

I don't even know where to begin this letter. It has been long coming, yet I have put it off each time, out of fear, out of wanting to forget it all, out of wanting to move past the past. I am angry but mostly I am hurt. I hurt for the life I had and the loss of what I should have had. Most importantly I am not afraid anymore.

Previous messages from you as well as the current have stated that I need to "as an adult put aside the past". I have had my past haunt me for many, many years. I am finally at the point where I can talk about it without crying, without feeling my throat clench up in anger. You also said in the email that "we all have made mistakes". I can't imagine what mistakes a little girl could have possibly made, what I ever could have done to deserve what happened to me.

I asked you once why, on my 8th birthday, I was chastised in front of my friends and then forced to sit at the table while those friends were told to eat my ice cream. It was my birthday and not only did I have to endure being screamed at in public, I was to sit there and watch them eat their ice cream as well as my own. It was the first time I dared ask you about any childhood incident. You replied that I must have done something wrong. This statement is utterly ridiculous. I was a great kid, I didn't talk back, I obeyed. It took me a long time to realize I didn't do anything wrong, I didn't do anything to deserve being burnt with boiling water, being whipped with a belt, having my favorite toy being hid as I cried, experiencing countless lies and broken promises, etc etc. It wasn't ME, it NEVER WAS.

I understand now what you went through as a child. I know what kind of life you had. It was awful and you didn't deserve it. But neither did I. You had NO right to do what you did to me, nor what you did to my mother who was too weak to do anything about it. You, as a parent, should have stopped that cycle of abuse. It was up to you to do so. I know what it's like but I also know it can be done, for you have passed on your blinding anger to me. I, in turn, have broken the cycle. I acknowledge my fury and I have worked through it. I know what damage I sustained at the hand and voice of an abusive parent and I WILL NOT pass that on to any child of my own. You may say that I'm a crazy bitch or whatever and feel I am wronging you by what I have said but I know denial can run deep and I know what scars I have. Deep emotional scars.

I remember you saying when I was about 7 or so, when you didn't know I was listening, that you didn't want me, that you didn't care what happened to me. All I wanted in life was a father who loved me more than anything else. I still wish I had that every day of my life. And the sad thing is I know you probably will never realize how much I hurt. Of course I always have hope that you will understand what you did was wrong and feel badly. However, I don't expect there to be an apology and the hurt will probably never go away.

To end I'd like to share with you some pictures I have saved on my computer. One is a picture of you and me as a baby. Another is of me at around age four. I look upon these old pictures and I think of how our lives should have been and of how much that little girl needed a Daddy. I did love you and I just wanted you to love me.



Jennifer

He of course denied it all. He wrote back saying my mother was a liar and had made all of it up, that me hearing that he had done all those awful things over and over, made me believe it actually happened. In his mind he wasn't involved in these things and I was too young to actually have accurate memories of them.

But he was involved and I do remember. I remember being hit, I remember being stuck in the corner for hours at age four, I remember my mother crying after being beaten and seeing her being raped in front of me. I remember all the emotional damage that was done, from my teddy bear that I need to go to sleep being hid on top of the refrigerator where a toddler couldn't find it, to being promised a computer if I got on the honor roll in high school and getting an empty computer box, as a joke, instead. He thought it was hilarious while I just cried.

So today is the day I mourn what I lack. I mourn what I should have had. I mourn what could have made me a stronger person, a better person, what could have made me whole. Today I mourn my daddy.

*Pause my blog music to hear a song that really touches me*

Christina Aguilera- I'm Ok

I've Been Tagged

From JackiTiger's blog...

"The Meme originated over an idea that was prompted by the book written by Larry Smith and Rachel Fershleiser, Not Quite What I was planning: Six Word Memoirs by Writers Famous and Obscure. It's a compilation based on the story that Hemingway once bet $10 that he could sum up his life in six words. His were- "For Sale: baby shoes, never worn."

These things are always difficult for me. Can I really sum up my life in 6 words? It's quite the challenge. After thinking about it for a while I came up with an Emily Dickinson quote which seems to summarize much of my life and currently the bane of my existence.




Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,
And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.


Hope is something that I think I've had my whole life in one way or another. I started out on the hopes of others. I wasn't supposed to make it, I wasn't expected to last the day but as my mother and family hoped I would, I made it.

As a child I hoped my life would get better, that I'd find a peace in my world and someone to love me. Abuse has a way of stealing hope but I came out on the other side stronger than I could have imagined, and just...a little bit broken.

As a teenager, I hoped I would come into myself, that my eccentricities would be valued, that my looks be appreciated. I hoped that my self confidence would blossom. Through theatre it did. With adulthood, I learned to love me, well most of the time.

I had hope through relationships and hardships that I would make it through, that I would succeed. I've accomplished both at least a little bit.

That hope is now squarely focused on being a mom. There is nothing I hope for more than having a baby. Whether that hope is realized remains to be seen but I'll try to keep the hope alive, I will indeed try.

So my meme is: Hope is the thing with feathers

I will now tag:

MayT
Adkins
Mandybr
T-Bird
AlpacaBunny

"He's O3"

aka The Night May and Chrys Met

Last night was so fun. I don't think I've laughed that hard in ever so long. It's always amazing meeting friends from the internet for the first time. My MOH was one, my DH another. You build up such a bond online that when you meet in person for the first time it's as if you've known each other for years. It was certainly like that when I met Megan last night.

After hanging out at my house for an hour we decided to go to The Crown and Anchor, a local pub, for dinner. Eating was kind of difficult since we were talking so much.



One thing you have to have while at the Crown is their Sticky Toffee Pudding. OMG I have to get it every time. It is sex in a dish, I'm not even kidding.



I was laughing so hard when May took the "shocker" picture (yes she loved the Sticky Toffee too) I almost peed my pants.



How can you not like a place when they have coasters from British pubs with such fantabulous names?



That went into my purse.

Next we moved on to The Brit (Britannia Arms) which used to be my stomping grounds before it was infiltrated with douches and whores. We had barely sat down and some Navy dude started trying to hit on us. Never mind our rings were in full view of his face. He gave us a beer (what? one?) but ended up leaving after our Irish Car Bombs arrived.

May: "Oooh our 'real' beers are here."

We made him take pictures of us.



Maybe he didn't like our faces. LOL Notice the flashing rings.



The carnage of the car bombs with our "gifted beer"

At this point the silliness just continued. We realized that the contents of our purses could supply a Walgreen's. So what are two girls to do but set up a picture. Did the people in the bar think we were crazy? Most likely.



The Cock Inn coaster had to be included, because have cock will travel.



As further proof that May's pineapple leather is utterly disgusting...

Original Grossness



It really is *that* bad. I actually gagged. The things we do to get knocked up.



The people watching was top notch with all the drunk ass people around. The Navy dude ended up hitting on some young thing and watching them was comedy gold. If only I was able to get a pic of him dancing when his ass fell out of his jeans. Priceless. As he walked by us before we left we each gave him a knuckle bump(which we had seen his buddy do to him when he "scored" a dance with the young thing). This caused the chick to come up to us and pissily say, "He's O3."

Huh? WTF? May then said that it had to be his military ranking. Ok, so he's an officer. Most of them around here are. OOoooh big fucking deal. I just laughed at the chick because, hello, we're married. we don't give a rat's ass what this drunk dude's ranking is. Blech. Besides this is Monterey. Monterey is crawling with Military dudes and they are all the same to me.

All in all it was a kick ass evening. I had so much freaking fun and Megan is a hottie and a sweetheart. Hopefully it will be just the first of other good times. We are already planning on a west coast mermaid shoot.

We did miss "our girls" and wished you all could have been there. You all got to have some of the Navy dude's beer though, so have no fear.

Sometimes I Cry Happy Tears

One day left, just one day.

Today I had a great start of my day. One of the 6th grade girls brought me this little "book" they had made me with letters from most of the 6th graders. Some of these letters made me cry and were a reminder of why I keep this, sometimes God forsaken, job in the first place. I'd like to share some of their letters to remind all of us teachers out there why we do it.

(As a side note, I was these kids 2nd grade teacher, 5th grade teacher, and also taught them religion in 6th.)

3 Years With Mrs. Jennifer

Dear Mrs. Jennifer,
You are an awesome teacher! I will miss being in your class very much. You taught us that even when times are rough they will always turn out okay. You inspired me to follow my dream and to not let anyone stand in my way. You are the nicest, kindest person I have ever met and you are deffinetly my role model. Have a great summer!

Love, Kendra


Dear Mrs. Jennifer,
Thank you for caring and listening to me when I had a question. You are the most caring teacher I have ever had at this school. I've enjoyed beng your student.

Love, Jack.


Dear Mrs. Jennifer,
I'll miss you a lot. You were my favorite teacher. Also you were understandingly cool!

From, Dan (yo!)


Dear Mrs. Jennifer,
You have and always will be my most favorite teacher. My favorite teacher used to be the teacher that I had every year. If I was in K. it was Mrs. Todd. When I was in 1st grade we had Mrs. Flagg, but when I got to 2nd grade everything changed. You are my favorite because 1) Rubber duckies are your favorite and rubber duckies ROCK! 2)You are just awesome & cool 3) You are nice 4) You are YOU! I'll miss you over the summer! See you next year.

Love, Lizzie


Dear Mrs. Jennifer,
I loved you as my teacher. You are so nice. You are my friend. You also told us a lot of stuff.

Tyler


Dear Mrs. Jennifer,
You were the best teacher I've ever had & I can say that for a lot of reasons.

One, you are the first teacher who has ever let us use your first name after "Mrs".

Another thing, you're really easy to be around & confide in & our class discussions are really fun. Even though by the time you let us really talk there is nothing left to say :)

And...well I could go on & on but you're (just to sum it up) a really great teacher.

So that's why I put this book together. So that some day, even when we are all gone, you can remember us. But we'll always remember you. :)

I guess you caould call this instead of a yearbook, a 3 yearbook. For the three years some people have been with you.

You've taught us a lot of things over 3, 2, or 1 years. Some school education & others not & we all will really appreciate it.

Love, Kim

I can't even tell you how much I love those kids. They have always been my reminder. I can't believe that they will be 7th graders next year, almost ready to move on to the next phase of their lives.

Are You Going to Leave the House Looking Like That?

A tiara? Really? No really, seriously?

Tonight, graduation was too much. Apparently, merely looking like skanks in slutty dresses and prom hair was too boring for the 8th grade girls. Oh no, this year's class had to up the ante. This year, two girls wore tiaras. Oh yes, tiaras.



The last couple of years we've witnessed the downfall of modern feminine society (and lack of proper parenting) at our school. Parents have been actually allowing their daughters to wear some of the skimpiest dresses imaginable. Keep in mind they are 13/14 years old AND attending a Catholic school. Uh yeah.

As one of my coworkers said, "(name not included to protect the trashy) looked like a streetwalker. In fact, I think I saw someone just like her on Cops last week".

Now you might think we are too harsh and judgemental but au contraire mon frere, we are talking dresses like this:



Why on earth would mothers purchase these dresses for their daughters? Why would fathers allow their daughters to set foot out of the house looking like this? Do they just not care? Do they actually think it looks flattering or gives off a good impression? Do they just want to give in so they don't have to hear their girls whine about how everyone else gets to have a hoochie dress and have their hair in a updo complete with glitter spray and butterfly crystal clips? Why must we sexualize our girls so early?

They are freaking 8th graders! I didn't even wear that crap when I graduated from high school.

Listen up mothers of America, stop living vicariously through your daughters!

And hang up the tiaras while you are at it.

"Look at Me, Look at Me, Look at Me"

The following post was composed while commuting home on the bus. It has nothing to do with babies...imagine that.



I am a fairly extroverted person. I like hanging out with people and like spending time talking to people. We were discussing this in therapy last week because, while I need people, my DH really doesn't. At least he doesn't need people like I do.

Our therapist feels we both have trust issues and that it causes my DH to not reach out to people. So what's the deal with me? I had a horrific childhood and yet I still yearn for human companionship. DH had a great childhood and he's the opposite. He doesn't want to be noticed and I do.

A few weeks ago, after a matinee, my actor friend James(see above), who played opposite me in Plaza Suite, and I were discussing theatre (as we narcissistic actors are want to do)and came across a possible childhood treatment/future actor connection.

James told me about how he was teased horribly as a boy as was I (How could I not know this after being friends with the man for 16 years?). So why would these berated children become extroverts? Why would we want to be looked at so much? Exactly for that reason I suppose. We want to be paid attention to, to be noted, to be appreciated. We were left behind and ignored or ridiculed as kids and now we are praised and admired (hopefully). We force people to stare at us for two hours or more, demand the attention we are owed.

-Whoa I totally sound like a Sondheim musical there or a Miller play, "Attention must be paid!"

Anyway, it was a light bulb moment for both of us and something I've never really thought about. All I ever knew is that theatre saved me. It pulled me from a dark pit of despair.

On stage I feel alive and free. On stage I am the true Jennifer and man, she's kick ass. I wish I could be her all the time.

I suppose that's another therapy session.

Dustin Hoffman on why he acts:

Well, one day as I was working with Lawrence Olivier, I asked him that question. Why do we do this?? And he replied many times, Look at me! Look at me! Look at me! Look at me! I got goose bumps. But that's true, it's all about being somewhat the center of attention, this is why I love doing interviews, meeting people. Look at me.

WTF Moment of the Week

This was pulled off of two of the Nest boards this evening.

Natural=Spontaneous, Fertility treatments=Manmade!

From: Mr.F

Date: 6/10/2008 at 7:53 PMThis irks me to no end!~


Hello, if you and DH DTD and you conceived ( either a singleton or multiples ) it is a NATURALLY occuring pregnancy!!!

If, DH had to give his contribution in a cup to be *placed* by a 3rd party into your body, or in some cases, have his swimmers meet your eggie in a lab of all places IT IS MAN MADE! NOT A NATURAL PREGNANCY!!

I am VERY fertile!!!! Why can I not claim my ability to reproduce NATURALLY ( insert penis into vagina here ladies ) and claim that my multiples were made the old fashioned way!!!!


Broken, scorned women........maybe God never wanted you or your b roken DH's to carry on any lineage

Now I know this most likely is MUD (made up drama)but it doesn't make it any less hurtful, especially considering I've seen shite like this before and that there are people who really do think like this. It makes me sick.

As my mother says, If God didn't mean for IF people to have babies he wouldn't have had IVF even thought of or created. The embryos wouldn't even be created or survive. Way to go Mom.

"Who Against Hope Believed in Hope"

Hope is a double-edged sword. On one hand I want to have hope, and on the the other I wish it to be gone because, with hope, comes disappointment and heartache. This past cycle hope found me again and then left me battered, bruised, and literally bleeding at the end of it. Once again no baby for me, no hope, no real chance.

It was then that I thought of a song from my childhood.

I received my copy of Glory and Praise I got off of Ebay, today and wanted to share the first two verses of the song I sang at my First Communion. I've always loved it, but it has come to mean so much more for me now, especially as I deal with the pain of IF.

It is a religious song (actually taken from some words found written on a wall at Auschwitz) though I think it could have some meaning for many people.

I Believe in the Sun

I believe in the sun, even when it isn't shining.
I believe in love, even when there's no one there.
And I believe in God, I believe in God,
Even when he is silent.

I believe in miracles, I believe in light.
I believe there can always be a way.
I believe that nothing is impossible, I believe that nothing is impossible.
That all things are possible with God.

Joining the Blogosphere

I've blogged on Live Journal and MySpace for years but finally decided (while being alone and bored out of my mind at home) to actually start a true blog. So, here I am. It's all up in the air from here.

IF Truths

One of the lovely ladies on my home message board on the Nest posted the following letter. I love it and it is so dang true. Just for shits and giggles, the underlined ones are similar to things people have actually said to me (IF version of course).

So, what do you think people would say to you if you were paraplegic instead of infertile?

(author unknown)

1. As soon as you buy a wheelchair, I bet you'll be able to walk again!

2. You can't use your legs? Boy, I wish I was paralyzed. I get so tired of walking, and if I were paralyzed I wouldn't have to walk anywhere!

3. My cousin was paralyzed but she started shaving her legs in the other direction and she could walk again. You should try that.

4. I guess God just didn't mean for you to be able to walk.

5. Oh, I know exactly how you feel, because I have an ingrown toenail.

6. Sorry, we don't cover treatment for paraplegia, because it's not a life-threatening illness.

7. So... when are *you* going to start walking?

8. Oh, I have just the opposite problem. I have to walk walk walk - everywhere I go!

9. But don't you *want* to walk?

10. You're just trying too hard. Relax and you'll be able to walk.

11. You're so lucky... think of the money you save on shoes.

12. I don't know why you're being so selfish. You should at least be happy that *I* can walk.

13. I hope you don't try those anti-paralysis drugs. They sometimes make people run too fast and they get hurt.

14. Look at those people hiking... doesn't that make you want to hike?

15. Just relax, you'll be walking in no time.

16. Oh do my legs hurt, I was walking and walking and going up and down the stairs all day.

17. I broke my leg skiing, and was on crutches for weeks, and was worried I'd have a permanent limp, but I'm 100% healed.

18. I'd ask you to be in my wedding party but the wheelchair will look out of place at the altar.

19. You're being selfish, not coming on the hike with us, and looking at all of my track & field trophies.

20. Don't complain, you get all the good parking places.

21. If you just lose weight your legs will work again.

22. If you would just have more sex, you could walk!

23. You don't know how to walk? What's wrong with you? Here let a real man show you how to walk!

24. You are just trying too hard to walk. Give up, and then you'll walk.

25. Here, touch my legs, then you'll walk!

26. Just take a vacation, and the stress-break will be sure to get you walking!

27. When *we* were young we only had to worry about having to walk too much.

28. And I bet a paraplegic going to a bookstore doesn't find books about paralysis stacked next to all the books on running...

So here's a little hint. If someone you know tells you that she's trying to get pregnant and it's taking longer than expected, DON'T tell her to just relax. Don't tell her to adopt and then surely she'll get pregnant with her own child. Don't tell her that God has a plan for her. Don't say, "At least it's fun trying!" Scheduling sex with the person you love isn't fun. Getting vaginal ultrasounds every other day and intramuscular injections in your ass twice a day isn't fun. Finding out every single month that - yet again - it didn't work this month either is Just. Not. Fun. DO tell her that you're sorry she's going through such pain/grief/frustration. Do tell her that you're glad she told you.

Do tell her that, even if you don't bring it up (because you want to respect her privacy and understand that she might not feel like talking about it sometimes), that you're there for her if she ever wants to talk or vent.

And DON'T feel that because she told you that it's okay for you to tell your other friends, children, co-workers, neighbors, cousins, mailman, whomever - unless she tells you that it's okay to do so. Your need to share news pales in comparison to her need to maintain a shred of privacy and dignity.

Plaza Suite Review

MPC Theatre Co. delivers highly entertaining 'Plaza Suite'
By NATHALIE PLOTKIN
Herald Correspondent
Article Last Updated: 05/15/2008 01:51:27 AM PDT


The MPC Theatre Company's brilliantly acted and directed side-splitting realization of Neil Simon's "Plaza Suite," which uses its setting to tie together three widely disparate yet highly comedic human relationships, makes for a delightful theatrical experience.
Love, marriage, honesty, maturity, sex — you name it — are all familiar themes present in a script which is highly entertaining.

Director De Bono had a sterling cast to work with. The sheer professionalism of his actors shone through at all times, no matter what situation they had to bring to life, and their wit and humor twinkled and brought out the available material to excellent effect.

Actually, "Plaza Suite" consists of three one-act plays which are complete entities, but which occupy the same space.

Room 719 as such, is only important in the opening act. Teresa Del Piero has reserved it in order to spend the night where she and her husband spent their honeymoon. However, 23 years later, the bloom of their marriage has disappeared.

Del Piero's role is written so that she apparently lives in a state of confusion as to dates, ages and numbers in general.

She has to overcome the perversities of the role the author has created in order to evoke sympathy for herself.

She is a very polished actress who inhabits a difficult and sometimes frustrating part and does it with charm and an underlying strength.

As the no-longer-loving husband, James Brady ably projects self-centered vanity and selfishness as he demonstrates his withdrawal from his marriage.

Room 719 means nothing to him since he has found another romantic interest and coldly acts accordingly.

In Act 2, Brady is cast as a successful Hollywood director in New York on business and who looks up his high school sweetheart of 17 years ago, hoping for a little afternoon dalliance. He neatly plays down and restrains his wolfishness, but his egotism comes through.

When Jennifer Muniz, married and the mother of three, arrives, she is apparently unsophisticated and shows an almost childish awareness of his stature and success. She reads all the fan magazines and knows every detail of his activities.

Brady is a smooth seducer and Muniz is an amusingly tipsy and willing victim. Together they go through all the motions leading to a final stage blackout in the bedroom.

But then comes Act 3, where the author goes all out in a splendidly human and unbridled, hilarious climax to the occupancy of room 719.

Even though the humor was prominent in the first two acts, here it is nonstop and borders on slapstick comedy.

The parents of a bride who has gotten cold feet just minutes before her very elaborate and expensive wedding and locked herself in the bathroom, are magnificently personified by Denise Guarnery and Gary Bolen.

They totally engage attention as they colorfully and humanly vent their frustrations and anger at the moment of truth.

Guarnery, as the mother who tries to be sweet and sensible while trying to convince the bride to come out, and Bolen, vacillating between the heavy father counting costs and then physically to reach the recalcitant bride, are marvels of pitch-perfect timing and their physical activity is totally hilarious.

Actually, this act alone would be worth the price of a ticket, but there is much to commend in the first two acts of what turns out to be a somewhat uneven vehicle.

Laugh-provoking one-liners are present throughout each act and point out with typical Simon humor the human elements of each story.

The supporting cast is as polished and professional as the major players.

Taylor Thorngate appears as a manhunting secretary and again as the reluctant bride. Brady Shilstone is an understanding bell hop and later is the masterful bridegroom. Jeromy Rutter is a sympathetic waiter. All do very well.

Nicole Bryant Stephens' design for Room 719 is handsome and the view of lit up skyscrapers is a clever and impressive detail.

Gloria Mattos Hughes' costumes are very appropriate, particularly in the third act. The bride is beautiful.

So, take a trip to the Plaza Hotel, Suite 719 and relax, laugh and enjoy the show. GO!

No Chance of Hope

Not much to write because I've been crying too much this evening.

I had my ultrasound today and subsequently had this IUI cycle cancelled. My clomid was too high of a dose and I produced too many mature follicles, 5 of them by CD 9! Rather than risk HOM (high order multiples) we have had to cancel the IUI and are not allowed to even try on our own.

I am so sad. What else, God? This cycle has been reduced to a complete waste where I have absolutely no hope of getting a baby at the end.

Walgreen's Breakdown

Otherwise known as: Don't Keep a Woman from her Hormones.

Just because my life seems to revolve around my lack of a baby and trying to obtain one, here is another TTC themed post.

So here we are cycle 11. We have now been formally diagnosed. We are both broken, yay! /sarcasm. MFI for Alex and Dysynchronous Endometrium for me. Basically his sperm are duds and my uterine lining sure as heck doesn't want to line up with the rest of my cycle.

Luckily, thanks for those prayers ladies, Alex's last SA was improved so we are now starting cycle 11 as our first medicated IUI cycle. IUI is insemination for thoe that don't understand. My RE put me 150mg of clomid to kick my cycle into gear. Thankfully the side effects have been minimal, though I've only been on it two days with three to go.

Getting the clomid however was a feat in and of itself.

I went to Target and they were confused by my drs script. He had written 150 mg with 3 pills and they weren't getting it. i had to show my IUI schedule to them where he clearly had "150mg from 3 pills total" filled in for them to understand. Then after a half an hour they tell me they can't fill it because they don't have the 15 pills.

So with cranky DH in tow I decide to go to Walgreens. It's dark, I'm hungry and tired, I'm just not in a good space.

They take forever to get my insurance info straight even asking me for my DH's SS. Like I would know that! Then they are all flustered over the 150mg thing. "But three 150mgs are too much. You can't take that much!" So I again show them my schedule which they make a copy of in order to accept the script. Great so now Walgreens has a copy of my reproductive schedule on file. They are privey to when I get shot up with sperm and what-not.

Then comes the moment when the chick realizes that my dr put today's date on two of the scripts but put tomorrows date on the clomid. They said they couldn't fill it. I, of coursse, freak out and immediately dissolve in tears. They called the office but it was after six so no way was he there. All I could do is cry and say, "I need to start it tonight". I think they realized that they had a crazy IF (infertile) woman in front of them and filled it.

I felt like a tool crying but I was so upset at the thought of not getting my drugs. It was like they were saying "no baby for you!"

Anyway so here I am on my clomid waiting to finish that and go into the drs office for my second ultrasound (with the huge dildo wand) to find out if we can keep going with the cycle. Don't want to have to many eggs going and don't want to have any cysts. Any of those and the cycle is cancelled. If not we can schedule a trigger shot in the butt and the rest I'll leave out. LOL

We have three of these before IVF in July. I'm just hoping we won't need to take that last step.